Sometimes the FWS will look back at the past and still ask questions about why the affair happened. Hind site is always better than foresite. But seriously it is almost as thought that person that committed that terrible act was another person. You never realize how emotions control your actions and reasoning until you get into a bad situation as an affair. I guess that is part of the fog that others often talk about. Whether the reason was for unmet needs, mid life crisis, boredom and a host of other reasons. Has anyone wondered how you or your spouse could have completely changed their moral compass and followed the wrong path?

Would love your feedback.

I think that is the million dollar question.

My FWS and I were very active in our church. We used to help with marriage retreats where the study was based on His Needs Her Needs.

I asked him on D-Day and he said it was stupid - a stupid mistake. After 4 months and having worked through Surviving an Affair, I asked him again why he did it. The same answer - it was just a stupidity.

A couple of times I have asked him something because the emails I read were so out of character. The other day he looked at me and said "it WAS out of character. I was not myself."

So, yeah, I wonder that all the time: How could he so completely change?

I'm sure you have seen Kirstie Alley on TV advertising for Jenny Craig. She wasn't always the "FAT ACTRESS". Events in her life caused her to emotionally eat and gain weight. And so she completely changed from the 135lb actress to a 200lb+ actress. I know there is a difference between eating and affairs, but both deal with what is going on mentally with the person. There is something emotionally taking place that is creating a change, altering moods, altering views, altering controls on life.

I know many a minister or worker in the church who has fallen to affairs. They are human just like everyone else. And there are always emotional issues unresolved from the past, usually childhood that come into play. It's a shame no one ever taught us how to be adults, we all had to learn the hard way.

I look at my exWH lately and see the man I fell in love with returned to me. I wonder why he changed so much. The Alien is the only explanation I have because that is exactly who was in his body. Totally different person -someone I did not like, would not live with, someone I grew to hate. I will always wonder the big WHY. He says he does not know either. He was stupid ect.

Same "stupidity" response with my FWH. He had always been strong spiritually, very involved in church, all that. He thought his spiritual life was his safety net--that he'd NEVER do something as awful as what he did. He said he became someone he didn't recognize. I certainly didn't like the guy he was during the ten or so months he was involved with FOW; he certainly acted differently than he ever had before.

Of course...it does take two stupid people to tango...

Oh yes - it was the soul searching I did in order to not blame my husband for my affair!! I realized I have poor coping skills when hard to deal with things happen in my life, and I become self-destructive. As a teen (about 14) it was cutting my hand, as a young adult (19-21) it was partying 6 nights a week - always drinking) and then at 27 (last year) again...at 14 there was figthing with my bio dad, and little attention from my parent, and the changes in highschool...at 19-21 it was my first break up, trying to find my identity, low paying jobs, loing old friends. And at 27 it was 3 surgeries in 6 months, the last one being very serious and loosing my uterus and making the decision that my two children were all I would ever have. i didn't handle it well.

H was going through his own personal crisis and so dismissed me, called me crazy, neglected me...but I also never stressed to him how SERIOUS my feelings were, and being that I didn't know how to talk to him, and started to blame my feelings on him (like many do in a depression) he wouldn't listen cause when i told him, I would basically attack him!!! Then when he wouldn't listen, it would just add to my negative cycle.

I do believe it hadn't been OM that was my medication to feel good and get a high, it would have been another OM, or alcohol, or drugs, or food - something self-destructive to help me cope.

Since then I have learned new coping skills, and got to use them when H left me 6 months into recovery - to keep myself out of a pit and to curb any impulsive behavior - and I was so proud of myself and it worked - I didn't feel the overwhelming feelings I am used to when the world around me is changing.

I continue to expore new ways to cope with emotions and events - the biggest thing is I let go of control and gave it to God. It was the hugest thing, as i no longer feel the tugging of letting needed control get the best of me - it was a huge weight. I will alway be changing...always looking for new ways to improve myself.

I never want myself to get to that point again where I just need to self destruct in order to feel better. Never again.

Hmmm, I was never very satisfied with the insanity plea from my FWH.
He said he just was crazy, or stupid for a while, but that didnt explain the total disregard for me, the cruelty. He changed so quickly and radically, it was as if someone had turned a switch on his head, and it scared me that if it had just been a slip, a crazy moment that extended for years, that it would happen again and then I'd be vulnerable and always looking over my shoulder.

He was forced to examine himself deeper, and ultimately told me that he had decided that being married to me, having part of my life completely in his hands, having his everyday decisions affect me, was too much for him. He hadn't thought that marriage meant that much responsibility towards another person, I guess he figured that since I was pretty independant that no matter what he did I'd still go on with my business, but when he did thoughtless things, bad decisions that affected his life deeply, suddenly my life was affected as well.

The A happened before we were even married, he tried to cover it up, but knew I would be devastated, and he just couldnt deal with the fact that he had hurt me, on purpose. It wasnt an accident, he had done it, and couldnt hide himself from it, so instead of telling the truth he kept it in, let it fester, and turned the guilt into anger, and since there was no one else around he chose it to direct it at me.

He says he loved me back then, but that he didnt know what real love was, that it meant holding somebody in such high regard that all you cared for was their happiness, their well being, so he thought that being around me, throwing a couple crumbs at me, being nice on time to time, would be just enough, because that is the type of "love" he had ever been shown; but then as I loved him unconditionally, sacrificed everything I ever held dear just to make him happy, and still managed to smile at him and take care of him, he realized he was just abusing me, and that made him angry at himself, but again, the anger ended up towards me.

He admits he didnt know how to deal with marriage or life properly, that he screwed up terribly, and once he started screwing up and covering up he just couldnt stop, and since he was affraid to look at himself he would concentrate his frustration at me, and that I simply didn't deserve it.

This explanation makes more sense to me, he was ill equiped for ANY kind of relationship, and from his track record I can see that pattern.

He wasn't insane, he was lost because instead of making wrongs right, he kept making things worse, running away from the consequences of his bad decisions, thinking that, if he ran fast enough, they never would catch up to him.
It was a stupid thing to do, but he decided that it was the best way to deal.

My H at heart is a very spiritual loving man. He loves God, and loves his family.

But at that time in our lives (Aug 23&24 2005)....I believe my H was being "tempted" BAD, and he gave into that temptation. It was haunting him for a few days prior to his ONS.

The few days before he was telling friends he wanted to "go out and have a good time."

He was also telling them he wanted time with me, just me. There was no SF here at home, due to my reproductive female organ medical problems (I realize now there are somethings I could have done, and didn't) so that gave way to him being tempted. He was going without for a month or so at times.

The bible says to "give yourselves to each other except during times of fasting and prayer, then come together again so that you are not TEMPTED."

A lesson learned....

But he should have communicated to me and not his friends...
I don't think he was feeling safe to talk to me at the time anyway....I think he was afraid of my hormones! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I was on a bad rollercoaster all by myself with those! And for anyone around.... poor them.....I wasn't myself either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm having partial hysterectomy next month. I can't wait till it's all out!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So there was a lot of communication break down.....

There is no excuse to give into the temptation...but I do see how it happened.

He can't believe he did it.

Thankfully he has returned to his right mind.

Lady

In my case,and I have heard this many times before too,that the sense of entitlement comes into play and men(some) tell themselves they deserve "this"(A),they want to do this for themselves,there is a part of him giving himself permission to do what he is about to do.That was my WH.

No alien changoever so much as he told himself it was ok and he KNEW it was all wrong.The homewrecker and my WH discussed the fact that he was already married with children and went ahead anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

He was caught up in all the "good" feelings of starting a new "relationship" with someone even though he was already married.The intimate discussions,spending time with eachother,sharing moments and dinners and movies and holding hands,etc,etc,etc everything he SHOULD have been sharing with his WIFE.ME.He was bored and had issues that he thought being with this homewrecker would solve and to be honest I have absolutely no idea if they are still together.As far as I know he never talks about that person since no one wants to hear about it.If he does let some info out(only once I have heard),it is not wanted and we all feel nauseous.

The whole insanity plea just doesn't cut it for me.Every WS knows exactly what they are doing and where it will lead.IMO.There is always a moment when you can cross that line or step back.

O

(OT) Maybe we should start the hysterctomy support forums, as well. Mine is in January.

This has been an interesting thread to read.

Move - I had my hysterectomy and pelvic reconstruction in June of last year (a year and half ago) at 27 years of age <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It was the lead off to a major depression i fell into that led me into my self-destructive behavior and eventually ended with an affair...I understand with problems like that how sex is hard to have...it had been a long time since H and I had SF, and instead we pleased eachother other ways - but alot of resentment and bad habits built up over the years due to this. Luckily since everything was fixed physically SF is fantastic again!!!

Ok - QUICK thread jack....

There are some great support forums out there for hysterectomies and for pelvic prolapse - which is what I suffered from severely due to forceps in my first delivery. It eventually led to me having to have alot of my pelvic floor resuspended and corrected

One is called Hyster Sisters

And the other for pelvic prolapse is called UPRISE

The uprise site in my case was my life support for the 2 years leading up to my surgery - I have no clue if any of your hysterectomies are related to pelvic problems - but if it is - you wont feel embarrassed at these boards...

Threadjack done!

Thanks for the threadjack dorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

yur welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />