2, what you described is fruit of what I was trying to communicate earlier. That our spouses have pretty much gotten over their A (experienced the shame, put up with our banter, and followed the rules we've instituted) and are "ready" to move on. And since we still deal with frayed emotions and insecurity, our "requests" (i.e. copy of phone bill) are interpreted by our spouses as "us keeping the very thing we crave - HEALING & A NEW BEGINNING - from happening".

I know you see a phone bill record as an accountability measure and security thing, but your H sees it as an anchor that keeps the ship in the harbor of the past. He needs incremental trust. And...get this...you need to give it to him so he can prove - or not - his loyalty and new man changes. If he blows it, you get your walking papers. If he stays true, you got the man of integrity back you wanted in the first place.

And I am not saying restoration of FULL TRUST in all situations with no safeguards or pre-determined acountablity, just some...incremental. The key is to determine with him UPFRONT what safeguards you will agree to hold the key to.

Understand?

Yes, I think I understand. And the truth is I trust him everyday when he walks out the door. And I trusted him for a whole year while he continued to work with OW. So he's gotten his incremental trust.

He keeps talking about all the travel he is going to have to do at the first of the year with this new job. So don't you think I have the right to see who if anyone, he is talking to at 2am while he is out of town? Didn't do it before and it would have taught me a lot if I would have.

Talking to him today he said "It's been a year!" like a year is such a long time. I'll remind him how long it is when I remind him his A went on for a hideous year. Your damn right it is a long time. What's your point?!

Anyway, printing more stuff off the internet to read. Picked up a new marriage book. I wish something would click so I can get out of this living ******.
2

From my perspective it seems you have a very "combative" approach to things. Yes, I know you've been hurt, (as have we all), but do you think anger, sarcasm, and constantly brining up his past sin is the road that leads to recovery?

IMO, I think your H is tired of being shamed. And some of the tension dynamic lies as much in "how" you communicate as it is in "what" it is you communicate.

You can inspire him with your belief, or perspire him with your rigidity? Hasn't he shown quite a bit of effort and compliance in the last year?

How am I shaming him? By asking for a safeguard? If that is shame, then he is going to have it for the rest of our marriage. I don't bring it up. There is nothing left to say about his A except that it happened and now things are not the same. If that is shaming him, then I don't know how to discuss where we have found ourselves because of his A. I can go about and never discuss the need to see his phone bill or wanting a different marriage and then I'll find myself right back here (or the divorce board) when he has another A because we aren't communicating effectively.

Actually Rocked your last post was totally wrong and way off base. None of it is accurate. I am not combative. I've said over and over that we get along very well these days, but that my love hasn't returned. I've given him credit where it is due, trusted him to work with OW, but none of that changes the fact that my marriage was destroyed by him. So do I go on like it never happened so he won't feel bad? 95% of the time I do. But 5% of the time the charade my life is comes out. It is the best I can do. Most of the time I don't discuss the tremendous pain I'm in 95% of the time. So I think I do a good job too.

Thanks for your feedback, but in this case you were off base.

Love you anyway for trying.
2

I love you too 2, but I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder.

"How dare he.."
"This disgrace of a marriage..."
"...without batting an eye"

HOW you ask for things, or communicate your needs, plays a huge part in the perception.

Last time I was "off base" I got tagged out and had to got sit in the dugout for the rest of the inning.

Signing off for the weekend. D's BDay party to prep for.

Ok...

Yes, my H would like us to swing still, and yes, he does believe that it will prevent further A's because in his mind he only had an A out of his curiosity. He thinks of swinging as more like playing with sex toys...no emotions involved at all. He has changed somewhat that he would only want to do it with me, and with the understanding that I did all the talking to the other people. I would be present at all times, so that there was no way an EA could start. We do not discuss this at MC. I suppose we should. He says that he is trying to suppress these desires and be the man I want him to be. I would say that he used to have a porn addiction...he would tell you no. He has never gone to a strip club or anything like that. It is an issue that I do not know how to resolve, and it pains me deeply that this man, who when I meant him, believed in no sex until marriage, b/c of the sacredness of it, has turned into a man who is the complete opposite. When I think of divorce...this is the reason.

You are wrong, 2, although I think it is me who stated it wrong in the first place. I have said that I will stay with my H b/c of my vow, but that is for me now. I will not leave him right now, b/c I still believe that I should honor that original vow. Everybody is intitled to make a mistake. I know I have said that things like he has seen I will not leave, so I will stay, but the truth of the matter is, I will be out the door before he has finished the statement, " I have been bad to you again". Or, the moment I find any sort of proof of another affair. And I will make it painful for him. You will hear a side of me that would make the devil himself afraid. I have no doubt in my mind that I will become a slefish *itch, and take whatever I can from him. I will make sure that the kids are with me for every holiday, b/c that is one of the reasons I did not leave this time. I do not want to share custody...he destroyed the family, and why should he prosper from his stupidity.

About the phone bill. I have to totally disagree with Rocked and your H. I still look at the phone bill every month, and still check the computer files occassionally. The difference is that my H willing lets me do this as he also believes that it is a good accountability tactic. He once told me that knowing I could check his phone records and wondering if I had a keylogger installed made him even more sure he would not call/write the OW when he was tempted in the beginning. It made him accountable for his own actions, b/c he knew that there definitely would be proof and consequences for any actions he might take. After a year, you should not be looking every day, or still being hyper-vigilant, but asking for a copy once in awhile should not be a big deal. If I were you, I would be very suspicious of why your H is throwing a fit. A person is only upset about their privacy being invaded when there is something there to hide. There is a difference when being overly suspicious and just wanting reassurance now and then. Is there a way for you to look at them online? That is what I do. That way there is no way to change anything. I also trust my H most of the time, but those concrete ways of verifying what you already believe is just an added security net that allows you to move closer to giving the trust back as you should.
It is when they do not offer it or graciously give it to you when you are asking that the trust is not allowed to proceed.

And speaking of trust...you are right...about how I should have trusted him. The thing is, that I trusted her, too, and I should not have done that. I trusted him, but I also did not trust my instincts when they were screaming at me. So, that is what I meant to say. Yes, I believe that a wife should trust their H if he has been trustworthy during the marriage...and I hope someday the same level of trusts returns...but this time, I will not be so blind to the "changes" that are right in front of me, and I will trust myself as much/or even more than my H.

Gotta run.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey True, Now I hear you LOUD and CLEAR on that point. I too trusted OW and did not listen to my instincts. But again they worked together 2 years before anything happened. I think I knew something was wrong, but I did not suspect an A or her until close to finding out anyway. So I understand you being angry for not trusting your instincts. I still get mad about that too. But I guess I didn't understand your point of asking her to forgive you too. I've never felt that way about OW.

True, I guess I don't quite understand why be in MC and not discuss such a serious issue in your marriage. It sounds like your H has this whole swinging thing thought out pretty good. He's only waiting for you to agree. If the answer is "No WAY on GOD's GREEN EARTH!" then I'd bring it up at MC and make sure he understands it ain't gonna happen and if it does, you'll walk! Otherwise I think he is just trying to break you down.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in my desire to see the phone bill. He didn't throw a fit at all. What he did instead was play the ultra rejected role of sighing deeply. So when I asked why he had a problem with it, then he said the pathetic "what difference does it make, you're gonna do what you want anyway." That remark just sends me over the edge. That is when I started getting hostile and he just said "I think it keeps you stuck, but what difference does it make what I think, you're gonna do what you want anyway." So I started yelling and hung up. He just called all friendly like and I have nothing to say. Spent some time on the website divorce magazine today. Weighing the option of that still as time goes on and I remain feeling like my marriage is over. Today I'm back thinking seperation at the first of the year is my last resort. I may end up there.

Anyway, you guys have a great weekend too. Rocked, I vent here, I don't say those things to my H. That is why I think you are off base.

We are going to 2 holiday parties this weekend. I think I can find my happy face in the closet and wear it all weekend.

Later.
2

Okay...I am with Rocked on the cell bill, only because it is now with the boss. If you can have it come to your home or if you can get a copy online, I would do that without even asking my H for it.



2, I also don't like to add here, but I think if he were to call anyone in the future, the last phone he would use would be his cell phone. Let this go for now unless subconciously you wish him to faulter and you would be able to end your marriage.

I think still not giving up some more trust is stopping you from loving your H. If your H knows/feels you are not "in love" with him anymore, then I can see his point in his statement. Why does it matter any longer to you if you really aren't "in" the marriage for the love between you. He doesn't need to know you still need to check up on him, do it peacefully.

I don't believe in handing over "total" trust, but, it has been a year and I feel if we don't "let go" we can't "let in".

Also, I agree with Rocked on the "delivery" of our questions to our FWS's. They will as I have stated before, tire, of our dwelling. Sorry, too, but I feel it will always be "us" who will work the hardest on our marriages and if we can't learn to "accept" this, we will never move forward and will continue to be "stuck" in the rut of the A's history.

Still don't feel well so H flipped a coin about going to the party (he knew I just wasn't up to it so he flipped it in my favor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

I will say prayers for all of us tonight,
holiday

Well, 4 different people and 4 different viewpoints and opinions. Don't ya just love America!!?? Gosh...I almost sounded like a Democrat there. Whew! Forgive me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Actually 2, I don't think you understood what I was trying to communicate but that's OK. We've all danced on that issue enough. Ready to move on.

True, wow...is the swinging issue back front and center? Is he actively seeking your thumbs up and involvement? Could add a whole new dynamic to what you're dealing with. Tough place to go. Honestly, do you think it's a "swinging" desire only, or some kind of sexual issue that will never go away, just change the way it looks for an expression?

Getting a little deep here. Better stop. (Oh BTW 2, if you've ever been to the midwest in the middle of winter you'd think twice about using the "Not on God's green earth" statement. About 3 months of brown as far as you can see.

Good morning. I hope you all are doing well. My H and I had a HUGE blow-up last night. It was one of the worst ever. It went on for 3 hours until I finally went to my daughters room to sleep because he wouldn't stop badgering me.

I feel ready for a seperation this morning. I think I will ask for one at the first of the year. I told you guys that I have been toying with the idea for a few months now. Now I feel ready to do it.

I am too exhausted to go into too much detail but ultimately I feel judged and invalidated by my H. Whenever I lose my temper (which he clearly doesn't understand how hurt and angry a year long A with a tramp can make a wife) he starts with comments like "what you are doing is sinning right now. How is this helpful for the marriage? Don't you think this kind of behavior is hurtful to the children." I feel like he tries to level the playing field, like you could EVER compare an outburst of anger with a WHOLE year of screwing someone else, lying to your wife about it, humiliating her in front of all your work people, and going DAYS (you hear me DAYS!) at a time without seeing your kids because it was more important to hang out with your little hooker! There is no playing field to be leveled here and the sooner he stops trying to say things like "a sin is a sin in the eyes of God" the sooner we could move past it. Hearing him say that is like listening to my father for 30 years blame my mother for his A's. It causes me to snap. There is no other way to put it.

I realize that my anger is a sin. But he is not so holy and righteous now that he gets to point that out to me. Instead of using the lesson Jesus taught us about love and compassion and trying to understand the depths of my pain during my angry outburst, he stands there judgemental saying "you are sinning too. You are hurting the kids too." I can't get what I need from him. I need a seperation to weigh my option of life in a horrible marriage, or life divorced which I understand can be horrible too. Maybe if I could just see what life is like on my own, I can answer that question once and for all and decide once and for all what I want to do.

I have also decided not to go to MC anymore. The first thing my H said when we started arguing was "When do we go to MC?" It is now a crutch in our marriage because instead of us being able to resolve conflict on our own, we want to have someone else sitting there. And a year later if we can't resolve conflict without another person to take a side, then we are doomed.

There is so much to say about the fight last night. He told me not a day goes by where I don't comment about infidelity in some way. I disagree, but then he used the example of me calling Angelina Jolie a homewrecker and Brad Pitt and idiot. He equates comments like that to me "shaming him". I tried to explain that I am NOW extra sensitive to the issue of infidelity, so it is a topic that greatly interest me. If my kid was killed by a drunk driver would it be odd to find me interested in drunk driving laws? Then he described this last year as a penance. I said how sad that it is all about you. You can't look at it for what it is, trying to rebuild a building destroyed by a bomb. No, instead every step is penance because I can't just rebuild. I want to make sure the foundation is solid, the building is as bomb proof as possible (seeing the phone bill) and take my time to make sure it is better than before. He wants to throw it together and live in it. I'm not doing that.

As far as the phone bill is concerned, I do not think my H is involved with OW anymore. That is not why I want to see it. My H has a HISTORY (I learned after the A) of having inappropriate relationships with women (typically who like black men by some strange coincidence). So I want to make sure he isn't crossing the line with any "new" women who may enter the picture. How can I keep tabs of that if not by checking his cell phone bill? Really? And am I not simply trying to set up a safeguard, accountablity for our marriage? I don't see the problem. I really don't.

So here I am today, ready for seperation and done with MC. I will keep you posted.
2

[color:"blue"] 2, Holiday, and Rocked,

I was not sure how to respond to all of you without starting a newbie's conflict, so please bear with me and know that I love you all....

I am not really surprised by your viewpoints, Holiday and Rocked, you both have been much "better" about letting things slide than 2 and I. Maybe it IS that age thing. I am not saying that as a jab, but maybe you have just learned to mellow out faster than 2 and I. I do not see a problem with 2 wanting to see the phone bill, and to be honest, I talked to my H about this, and he cannot understand why 2's H would be acting the way he has. Granted, and this is no offense to any of your spouses, my H has showed more giving of himself than any of yours(at least in this respect, and even though I might not share all of his "niceness" with you). He believes that a WS has no rights and should not whine about his/her needs, and should never ask the BS to get over it(even though, yes, he has done this occassionally). If he falls into this selfishness pattern, he tries to quickly tell me that what I need is what should be important. He does not tell me to stop speaking harshly to him, b/c deep down he knows he deserves every vile word that could be thrown at him.

After a year, 2's H feels as if he has done his time? Is he serious? He **cked up their whole life together, and he thinks that after a year she should move on? She will carry the scar of his betrayal forever, but since he is shamed by what she says(and I say the same thing about A.J. and B.P) she should stop? He should be shamed. He should be shamed everyday by his own actions...it should not take her saying anything, just by the fact he did it, he should be shamed. He wants to get away from that shame, but he should never get away from it...he should relish it, b/c it could stop him the next time.

Now, before you lay into me, I also believe that a BS should watch their approach and try to show compassion, and understanding. I do not think asking for accountability goes against that. That is one of things that we should have all learned from this. Trust is earned. I am sure that after a year of dating we did not trust our spouses completely...it took years...why should we give them the same trust we had before the A after only one year of them using it against us? I think that 2 has every right to see all of his emails, phone bills, anything she wants...it IS in how you approach the reason that makes the difference. Maybe 2, if you would have said, "Honey, I want to see the phone bill not as proof that you are doing something wrong, b/c my trust has grown over this past year, but as a validation of that trust. I believe I will not find anything there, and when I don't, it can only make my trust grow." Does that make sense??

Also, my H just came in and told me to add, that maybe 2, your H had sensed how good you felt on your anniversary trip, and he was feeling like he was making progress. He probably felt like he was showing what a good H could be...and then you asked for that bill. It was like a smack in the face. He may have felt you did not appreciate what he had done. You, on the other hand, may have felt so good about what he had done, that you were looking for more solid proof of his "reformation" and the phone bill was that proof. That happened the other night to us...my H and I had just had that honest talk...and he was feeling extremely close to me and wanted to show it physically. I told him that that made me sad. I was saying that b/c I see that he shows love through physical means, yet he said that he only wanted sex from the OW...to me, those two desires are not mutally exclusive, to him, and I will admit, to a lot of men, they are. He got upset b/c he felt like I was trying to hurt him for sharing his feelings with me and punish him for the A. For me, it was about finally being honest when something hit me as sad and made me mourn another loss.

It is unfortunate that we have to think about it daily, and that we may bring it up in some way daily...2, you say you haven't. I know I have. It has been a year talking about what he did and who he did it with. How many other things in our life have we "wasted" all this time and effort on? Then again, how many things in life destroy your beliefs on such a basic level? Think about if someone gave you some proof that Jesus was not the son of God. I am not talking some of the words that are spoken now, or arguments that go around...but some solid, undenialable proof that Jesus, your Savior, is not who He claimed to be and you wasted all this time on loving Him. That would shatter you and drive you insane for quite awhile, maybe even kill you...you may eventually find your own proof against it, or you may find a way to live with that knowledge, but it has shattered you and it will take more than a short time to recover; you may never be able to. Our spouses have proven themselves to be a totally different person that we thought. It is not the same as if Jesus was proved to be false, but on an earthly level, it is the same. This is a person that we gave our lives to. God may be #1, but this person was #2. You came to this person as a refuge here on earth. You felt that God sent this person to you. If he/she is not the person you thought he/she was, maybe God was trying to tell you something. I know you guys might not think of it that way, but my H's A made me doubt more than just his love. It was like my faith was shattered as well. Not my faith in God, but my faith in love, and life, and hope. I still believed God existed, and still believed in his awesome power, but now questioned everything he had made and the life he had given me, and the mate that I thought he designed just for me.

2, I also came to the conclusion that I am done with MC. I do not see it helping anymore. We did talk about the swinging issue early in the counseling, but since my H said he would repress the desire, we let it go. I have always asked him to be honest about it, as I felt it would help us avoid an A, obiviously, it did not. Yes, Rocked, it is an issue that will never go away. My H will never be able to get rid of that. If a year of sex everyday, and affection constantly, and spending more quality time than ever has not solved it, then I do not think anything will. It is my fault originally as I played along with him. Now, he knows that it hurt me, and does not want to share, so, we are at a crossroads.

It is always amazing to me, too, that 4 people can see things so differently, yet live their lives in similar ways as well. I take it as a good sign, Rocked, that you can think like a democrat. I am always surprised more people cannot. Compassion and understanding for others in not a bad thing.

I hope this day finds us better than where we started. 2, I will pray hard for you today.

Talk to you later.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Thank you True. You always have a way of expressing MY feelings in what you say.

I have used the Jesus analogy EXACTLY as you stated with my H to express my feelings about his A. I agree totally with you.

Keep me in prayer as I seriously consider seperation as a last resort.

Love you guys,
2

Good posts everyone. Thanks for sharing your insights. True, you could be a MC yourself with the wisdom and discernment you demonstrate. You could charge your H $ for your counseling him, and reap a nice profit...but hey, then you'd be a Republican. HA! j/k.

Just to wrap up loose ends concerning what I said about 2's H. I am NOT opposed to accountability or her right to ask for proof after only 1 year. I was trying to communicate (what True and Holiday nailed) that the "delivery" of that communication is key. 2, separation is a major decision that will affect even your kids. Please pray hard about that and don't do anything w/o feeling God's strong leading.

I too appreciate the friendship and support we've established here. Too bad it took such a terrible common experience to introduce us. Have a great rest of the weekend.

I am aware of my delivery and I am aware that it was fine. We had just had a pleasent conversation on the phone about me finding his watch. Then I said "You know I've been thinking, I would feel more comfortable if I could see your phone bill. Since you just started working for new boss, if you asked him early on for the phone bills, it is just a routine that you guys can have." Then came the long, dramatic sigh. And I said "What?" Then he came with the "what difference does it make what I think, you're going to do what you want anyway." I continued to keep my cool and said "No, I'd like to know why you are opposed to this." Then he went on about how was he going to ask for the bill without creating suspicion from his boss and getting him involved in our personal matters (Bull-S!) Then he went on about this keeping me stuck and MC said blah blah blah. So when I tried to give him an excuse to tell his boss that had NOTHING to do with me needing to see it, then he started with the "see, that's why I don't tell you how I'm feeling because it doesn't matter anyway." In reality (like our MC has tried repeatly to make HIM understand) is that a disagreement doesn't mean I disregard his feelings or don't care about his point. It means we disagree! He still doesn't seem to understand that.

Anyway, we are off to our fun party tonight. Rocked, I know this is a big move and I have waited a year to do it. I am not taking it lightly at all. I wanted him out in the very beginning but tried my best to do this without that drastic of a move. A year later I feel it is necessary.

I left a message for MC to let her know I won't be returning and asking her to call me if she wanted to discuss it further. I will ask her to discuss in counseling with my H us seperating at the first of the year.

Thanks for prayers.
2

2,
Again, my prayers are with you. I do not know if I put this in any of my posts, but in the recent weeks I have also thought about separation. I wonder if it would do us both some good to see what life would be like apart. Today is actually a good day for me, though, and on these days, I can see a brighter future. There have not been many of these lately, so I take them when I can.

We went and saw Santa today. He was awful, and my kids knew right away he was fake. During this event, which should be cute and fun and full of joy, my thoughts turned to how last year my H was worried about the OW when we went to see Santa, and how he snuck away to get a call in. Luckily, the moment passed quickly, but it is sad that the holiday has had some of it's joy taken away by a selfish act committed last year. My middle daughter looked at me during that moment, and came up and hugged me and told me not to be sad, that she loved me. I felt even worse b/c I try to hide it from them.

Anyway, thanks, Rocked, for the compliment. I have thought about the counseling...I think I mentioned it once, but I would never be fair to a WS. I would let them know that they need to give everything up in order to get everything back, and since I have gotten some negative responses on here from other FWS, I think most might not take kindly to that. When my H has told me that he has taken for a lifetime, I tell him no, only for 16 years. You have to give up your rights for the amount of time you threw away for the OW. It is all said in jest, but there is a sort of seriousness to it too. I figure if I agree somewhat with him, he will be more willing to allow me to give to him and then he also knows I will not ALWAYS hold a grudge. There is light att the end of the tunnel, even if it is when all of the kids are out of the house...hey, that could work even better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I am off to play poker with the hubby.

Have a good night.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good morning guys,

Today is Sunday and soon I will be gone for the whole day. But I wanted to thank you for all of your hard praying because my H and I had a break through last night on the way to the party.

I told him I wanted a cordial seperation and that just led into the most honest and frank discussion we've had with each other in a long time. I realized that there is still so much he does not share with me and I think I sense it and that is why I feel like we aren't making progress. We still struggle to understand each others point and there is no doubt that my H still struggles with being conflict avoidant, which I believe turns into resentment on his part.

So last night he shared with me how much he grieves the loss of our marriage too and how he struggles EVERY SINGLE DAY to overcome the shame and guilt he feels over what he did. I was shocked to hear him say that because he always "appears" so strong, and over it and redeemed. So that is when we started getting to the nitty gritty. I told him he needs to be more "real" with me. I need to see him struggle with that, I need to see him mourn the loss of our marriage, I need to see him hurting...because I am too! And who else can understand how much I mourn the loss of my marriage if not him?! He's lost it too! So he started telling me how he uses God everyday to overcome the shame and I said "Why haven't you shared this testimony with me?!"

I told him some major points of things that are HUGE LB for me (like leveling the playing field), I told him why I get angry and what is behind it. He told me how he preceives certain things I do and we just talked and talked and talked.

Do I feel better today? Yep! But I also know that we have talked whole heartedly before and found our way back to an ugly place. My H still struggles with 1) verbalizing his emotions 2) being conflict avoidant and 3) not taking EVERYTHING so personal. He admitted again last night that he is over sensitive to things, gets offended easily, but continues to hold it in.

So I told him that I was still done with MC. I think our conversation last night proved we have the skills (now) to communicate and work through things. He wants to continue and perhaps IC will help him with his sensitivity and being more vocal.

So we are off for a full day. I wanted to let you know that we made progress in our talk last night. Now we will wait to see if there is any action behind the words on both our parts.

Talk Monday!
2

Hi 2,

Congrats on your breakthrough. I hope that you and your H continue on a much better path toward true recovery. It is funny, b/c once again you and your H mirror my H and I. The things that you two talked about sound so much like the conversation that he and I had a few days ago, and it was before that conversation, that I was seriously considering leaving in January.

It is also ironic that we could avoid half of the heartache that we cause each other just by opening up and talking. Not just the day to day stuff, but honest talk where there is not the sense of defensiveness, or withdrawl when something painful is said. When we engage in honest to goodness give and take conversation, the lights all come on, and welcome us home. I know I always feel so much better when I put all of my pain aside for the moment and just listen...and when I am able to bring all my pain back in and feel like I am heard.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am so glad things are looking positive today.

TTYL!

True

Yep, we are living the same life True. I guess that is why God had us find each other. And of course, how lousey life would be without Rocked and Holiday too!

We don't just talk enough about what we are feeling. I have always been good at that...him not so much. I hoped a year of MC would help, but I guess a leapord can't change it's spots of a lifetime because of 1 year of MC.

I found myself today feeling some hopelessness as I thought "he's too sensitive, I can't say anything around him. I don't want to live my life walking on pins and needles being afraid I'll offend him. If I offend him, he'll find his way back into the arms of some nothing OW. I can't spend my whole life tiptoeing around everything I say." So I go back and forth wondering if we will make it in the long run.

What attracted me to him was his easy going nature. What I now feel is that his easy going nature was all a front. Inside he just internalize all this hurt he felt over things I had said or done. He wasn't easy going at all but was keeping score. Now, what attracted me to him feels like a curse on our marriage. I wonder if I should have married someone more similar to me who knows how to have a healthy argument, actually enjoys a good hearted debate, and knows not to take it personal. I go back to wondering if that is the kind of mate I need.

Anyway, got to go. Chat tomorrow.
2

I feel kinda silly sharing this with you guys, but I share everything with you anyway, so here it goes.

Last year I sent out Christmas cards with pictures of just my kids because last year at this time I wasn't sure I'd be married much longer. That is what my plan was to do this year, send out a Christmas card with just a picture of the kids because frankly, we are not a happy family. BUT, now that my H left his job I really want to do a Christmas card with the whole family JUST because I know we'll send one to his old department and she'll see it. If her seeing the Christmas card wasn't an issue, I'd send one out of just the kids. But because I want to rub it in her face that we are a "happy" family (she doesn't know the truth) I want to send one of all of us.

This has really been bothering me. I know that deep in my heart, my intentions of sending out a family card are not pure. I want to do it purely to spite OW and rub it in her face...I really do! But I know that that isn't right, so I keep going back to "Just send out the pic of the kids. What do you care what she thinks anyway?" But then I think, "Won't it annoy her to see the picture of all of us together? Won't it be great if my H old assistant hangs it at her desk and she has to see it all the time. Isn't that just beautiful?" But because I know my motives are spiteful, I can't make the decision on what to do.

What would you do? If you had a chance to have OW or OM see a happy family picture, would you take that opportunity or not? Today we took the pictures (either family or of kids) that we will use. So I need to make a decision quick! I try to justify sending out the family picture by saying "What is soooo wrong with sending a family picture? It is a good message for anyone to see. We are a family! I'm allowed to send a family picture even if my intentions aren't pure!" But then I fight the feeling that it is wrong. What would you do?
2

2, IMO people who look at pictures don't go into such a deep interpretation of the state of the picture's subjects. I get pics of families, etc. and take a quick glance, say "Ahhh...", then set it aside. I really don't think the OW is going to do any deep analysis of your M sitch. (She's probably already moved on to her next "conquest")

By spending so much time wondering about her thoughts, you are giving her power and control. Take it back...and do what YOU AND YOUR H WANT TO DO...not what is best for any given "past" situation.

Personally, if the pic was of your whole fam, I think it would be a major LB deposit that would inspire and empower your H.