Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
2long Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
But something profound happened this morning after I got 2 work.

Could be the beginning of the beginning, or the beginning of the end. Whichever, BRING IT ON.

My W sent me an email, saying: "How do you know if you're on the right path?"

Came out of the blue, while she was getting ready 2 go teach and I was putting out some fires here at work. I didn't have much time for a reply before she left, but I told her I would like 2 help if she wants 2 talk about it. She said something about how things just "feeling right" can't be all there is 2 knowing you're on the right path, which I agreed with. I also sent her my previous sigline - quote from Richard Bach about learning from our losses.

There's still a lot going on in our lives right now. I'm much more at peace (and much less in pieces) than I've ever been before.

I'm ready 2 work on M recovery, if that's what she wants. Or, I'm ready 2 end our M, if that's what she wants.

Bring it on!
-ol' 2long

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
You are posting because you know we care about you.

I hope you know,

That we want to know.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
2L,

How are you doing these days? Seen any good rocks lately? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This sounds to me as if she is thinking, mulling things over, mulling her choices (past and future) over. I would take it as a good thing and hope for a better marriage.

Take Care,

JL

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
2L, I was just going to ask you what was going on at home as you have been quiet. I pray for the best for ~you~ either way.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
2long,

""I'm ready 2 work on M recovery, if that's what she wants. Or, I'm ready 2 end our M, if that's what she wants.""

Ever put the above 2 her this way?

Either carve a twister or get off the throne! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(you crack me up, dude)

k


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
I thought some more.

You could always figure out what YOU want, and just do that.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
~because you are breaking free~ ... that's why <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

http://www.magictricks.com/houdini/images/houchains200anh.gif

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
2long Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
RATS! I had replied 2 everyone, but closed the wrong window when someone came in with a question!

SS: Yep, I realized that was the missing ingredient/mistatement in my original post that should have been clarified.

I'm definitely going 2 do what I think is right.

One OT thing that I'm going 2 do soon: My dad used 2 ask me about progress on my Model A. I'm going 2 take some of the inheritance from his estate and have it professionally restored.

When it's done, I'll ask my W out for a drive or a tour, or a dinner night where we go 2 some fancy place and make the valet guy try 2 find the starter button and drive a "crashbox" transmission! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (I could even make it interesting and shut the gas valve off).

-ol' 2long

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Quote
My W sent me an email, saying: "How do you know if you're on the right path?"


For me it's a feeling of peace and quiet joy, also seeing the positive influence I have on the people whom I effect.

Took my entire life to figure this out, but now I know from the feeling of inner peace when a decision I make is the right one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
PS 'tis cool about the model A and the dinner...sux to be the valet though. LOL

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
Can I be the photographer that night?

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
2,

Some thoughts….they stem from my assessment my W is a lot like your W in these things…so, I come from the angle, if FWW said this, what it might mean…

“And she responded with, “Just that how do you know you’re on the right path, life feels good? That doesn’t seem right though either because a lot of what you have to do isn't fun..."”

This in no way clarifies things for me. I still would not know what is on her mind. So let me, without a DJ, search around a bit.

One thing I do wonder about is how deep such a question really goes. I mean in terms of morals, ethics and the meaning of life kind of way. In our W’s cases maybe this needs to be limited to ethics. Even a hedonist can have a smidgen of ethics, I suppose. Maybe she is wondering what good her life adds up to now.

That’s not usually the case though with an LTA WS, is it? The double life goes on for so long, (a full quarter of each of their lives, in fact) they have indeed become The Lie. These LTA WS do not usually think this kind of thought without a serious epiphany of one kind or another. In our WW cases, nothing less than a near death experience will be required, I think.

So maybe it’s simply related to withdrawal. Perhaps FWW is experiencing an existential unhappiness she cannot quite put her finger on, an unformed feeling of emptiness. This emptiness might have a number of components though, not just be due to typical missing OM stuff. It might also be caused by her inadvertently looking back at all the unproductive years – sort of like glancing in a mirror as one walks by.

You could help her identify these components of unhappiness if she will let you. I think our wives would resist such help though. OTOH, offer to help anyway, and be specific! You just never know.

So ask her, “What is your destination? Where go you want to go, metaphorically speaking? And when would you like to arrive?”

She will not be able to articulate much about this at first. And, she will continue to avoid looking in the mirror at her LTA, broken NC, and all the wasted years. But the unease in her this question hints at means she is kind of sideways wondering about what might need to be looked at. She will not yet be able to look at her years of lies though. She may never be able to look at the truth of her past actions, you know.

And then again maybe it all just relates to a dislike of change. LTA’s in which the WS never leaves the M are proof they don’t like change. But the wind is changing direction, isn’t it. She can feel it even if she has not identified what she is feeling. You are indeed changing and this is her first surface reaction.

I’ve been through this superficial existential part with FWW already. I’m making sure things are still changing. She is a little off balance. First time since DDay2, in fact. She knows things are different. But she is afraid to take a real hard look at anything specific.

Pessimism is a hallmark of both our W’s. The glass is always half empty. That business about a lot of what needs to be done is not fun is just a cop-out. It almost sounds as if she just thought about it for the first time in her entire life. Just tell her she is right. A lot of sheet life hands you is smelly. And then ask her what she wants to do about it. Does she want to roll up her sleeves and work with you, her life partner who loves her even now, to spade it into the soil for future growth? Or, does she want to run away again, like she did with her LTA?

I asked FWW that a year or so ago. She still has not answered. She is only now vaguely wondering why her life has the same sheet in it as anyone else’s.

Not a near-death experience, for sure. Not even an epiphany. But maybe it’s sort of facing into the wind at last.

LTAs are so difficult to deal with. At the risk of being banned from MB myself, I no longer believe an M that suffered an LTA, especially one with multiple DDays, can in fact be recovered. Sorry. In essence there never was a real M to recover. The M was as much an illusion, perhaps more so, as the LTA itself.

All that can be hoped for is an accommodation - for as long as the M lasts - afterwards. The M can still be used to protect the children, finances, meet whatever ENs can be negotiated - as long as the LTA is ended. But it becomes sort of like an arranged marriage. LTAs are just too big and all-pervasive. They are, well, they just plain last too long. They are not the kind of A MB methods are designed for, IMO.

I dunno. I have to think on this a bit more. Let’s keep this one going a bit longer…

I want to think about the spiritual side of this, in particular:

With prayers,

PS: I put this, with appropriate changes, on your ILYL thread, too.

PPS: Sheesh I’m wordy compared to all you other terse posters. AMMartin is going to rap my knuckles again, I just know it.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
2long Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Appy:

I agree with most of what you said above. I've got a lot on my plate 2day, so I might not be able 2 respond in any detail for a while.

But you know? After "all that", when I got home and asked her how she was doing, she just said "fine." And when I asked if anything happened 2 trigger her question, she said "no."

I might as well go back 2 lurkdom and wait.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
I hate to follow Appy's post with this, but oh well...
HI 2!!!! <Waving wildly> Missed you,

jls

Tha's pretty much it for now...but wanted to say hey. But that App, he wrote enough for both of us, eh? j/k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
2long

I'm gonna kick your analytical scientific astronomers butt...

you are like a big tease...

you post a break through...

or not...

and then you lament how solving the mysteries of the universe take precident over any discourse that may have ERUPTED from this....

carry on with all those big techno gadgets...I'm heading out to work for a mere 3-11 shift...........

so I won't be around to get your silly update anyways..
or not if you don't post it...

lurkdom schmurkdom

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
ARK^^

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
2long Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
arkie:

Not much 2 say, really. I tried 2 engage her in a conversation about it without hounding her, but she wouldn't engage. She wasn't depressed at the moment, though, so I believe that nothing in particular (like contact, for example) happened.

Other things are going on in our lives right now that are adding stress back in2 the equation, so it could have been along those lines.

I'm just really tired of this. I am "happily detached" from the drama, though, so it's really just a matter of patience and empathy - such that I can be of any use anyway. Not looking for another relationship now, and would still rather take a whack at fixing this one... ...but I might be someday.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
Quote
I'm just really tired of this. I am "happily detached" from the drama, though, so it's really just a matter of patience and empathy - such that I can be of any use anyway. Not looking for another relationship now, and would still rather take a whack at fixing this one... ...but I might be someday.

-ol' 2long

Ya know, 2 long...with all due respect, this is a weak post by you. Says to me...."well, I will just do what the wife wants to do here, I am too old and lazy to find another woman, so I will continue sitting on the sidelines hoping the coach puts me into the game, or that the game ends, which ever comes first"....

Man, oh man....how can you live like this? I know I couldn't...but that's just me I guess... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,553
Well, lemonman, not really. People aren't interchangeable you know, and after decades with a person, they've shared huge chunks of you that no one in the future will ever share. For instance, both my parents are dead: no "future" person will ever be able to share that. No "future" person will have known me when I was young.

It's a formidable argument for continuance. But, as we know, it doesn't trump all.

Hello 2!

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
Quote
Well, lemonman, not really. People aren't interchangeable you know, and after decades with a person, they've shared huge chunks of you that no one in the future will ever share.

It seems 2 me that "waiting" around and "seeing" what happens has not exactly been frutiful for old 2long. But, I do see your point, the "years" and "history" may necessitate just that.

Being in a "detachment" mode of marital bliss with this situation for as long as it has gone on, with more false recoveries than can really be counted is I guess a way to "go on" and seek "continuance"....once again, different strokes for different folks. The dye has "2long" (pun intended) been cast here, but "continuance" is a way to go about it. I will grant you all that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
LEM

the man is a geologist .... they are comfortable with

S
L
O
W
C
H
A
N
G
E
S

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 43 guests, and 54 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82, Dezzeiemm
71,726 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,727
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5