My husband & I have been married for 6-1/2 years. I thought we had a good marriage overall. It has even seemed to be getting better this last year because my husband was saved (born again) so he was making efforts to appreciate me more & be more understanding.

Last month, he came to me & told me he had to be honest with me because his conscience was really bothering him. This is when he told me about his affair(s).

First, after 2 years of marriage, he wrote a very young co-worker a love letter. No physical relationship ever took place, but he has kept contact with this girl to the present day. (Of course, now he will stop contact due to the knowledge we've learned through the book)

Second, after 4 years of marriage in another job situation, he began a physical relationship with a young woman. There was no intercourse, but kissing & oral sex took place. After the oral sex took place, his guilt lead him to stopping the affair. However, he remained friends & kept contact with her (she was actually the one keeping contact) up until we went to her wedding this year in March. He said he was afraid of her telling me so he wouldn't tell her to stop contacting him. After his revelation to me, he called her (while I was present) and told her that he was honest with me about the affair & to never contact him again).

He told me he wanted to leave me before & during this affair because of his selfishness. He said I was controlling the finances, etc. & he couldn't get what he wanted. The problem was is that he would have had us broke if I didn't stop some of his spending. And he did get stuff he wanted, but it was never enough - he always wanted more. I feel he was petty & childish with his actions.

He realizes now that I wasn't being controlling, but trying to be responsible while he was being totally & completely selfish.

Before his honesty with me, I would have never believed he would have had an affair. He convinced me long ago that if he felt he didn't love me, he would just leave. But, that is not what happened.

I love him very much & before his honesty, I never thought of leaving my marriage. Now, I am sad, angry, frustrated, shocked, etc. I feel that I am being punished for all his selfishness & he is getting off without any punishment. I want him to feel how he had made me feel. I know these aren't reasonable, but it's how I feel.

We met with our pastor to get his advice & he gave us the book, "His Needs, Her Needs". I think his advice was good, however, it seemed to put more on me then on my husband. He said I owed him forgiveness because he was honest, but that I didn't owe him trust. He would have to earn that. He said my husband would have to make adjustments in his life to be sure he would never be put in a situation that would temp him. He said that anger & bitterness would lead to MY destruction even if it feels good to me, but that I need to stay away from those feelings & work towards re-building the marriage. He also told me that I would not be happier if I left the marriage.

My husband is making every effort to meet my needs & I am doing the same. Love units are being deposited on both sides & we are going through "His Needs, Her Needs" together. My husband also credits me with his salvation, so he is now completely & overwhelmingly happy that I am in his life.

I am just having issues with letting his behavior go so easily with him having no punishment for his actions. I have obsessed about the details as well.

He was also lying about other things (little things) as well probably everyday. He says he's a totally changed person now, but I never actually "saw" the ugly side of him so I'm having a hard time putting the pieces together & realizing our whole lives together before his honesty was a lie.

How do I begin to forgive & forget? What can I do not to obsess about everything & keep asking about it? How can I feel good again about him & about our marriage? How can I get over my feelings? Any advice?

I've got to ask what "punishment" you think would be in order? What do you want from him. I in no way condone his past actions, but he has confessed (voluntarily) and is working with you to fix your marriage. How will boiling him in oil or punishing him help more than what he is doing?

You need to forgive him for his sake of course but also for your own sake and sanity. Hold him accountable.

This is a hard thing that a lot of us probably go through. My FWH's A was over when I found out. I did not expose because it was over.

I went through a phase where I felt like he had it too easy. He never had to face consequences. I felt like I was the one that was having to deal with this. I was the one that couldn't sleep, that was sick at my stomach, that no longer knew how to function. I was the one that told my friends because I needed to talk about it. He never told anyone except me.

However, he had dealt with it earlier. He had faced the consequece of seeing me heartbroken. He had already dealt with the guilt and when I found out, he dealt with it again. He looked so sick for a couple of months. His blood sugar was out of control. His skin looked gray. He aged so much over the first part of this year. He is so much better now.

One thing that keeps coming back to me, is that everyday I betray God. In little ways and big ways. He forgives me because He loves me. He doesn't expect me to pay for it every day of my life.

I had to make a consious effort to forgive my FWH. I try very hard to not pick up the hurt everyday. I'm not saying I do really well at it. Sometimes, I say something that hurts him. It is usually not intentional. I say that, because last week I said something that really hurt him and I did it on purpose. It hurt me, too. I didn't like to see him hurt. I saw enough of the hurt on D-day.

I think your perspective changes as time passes. You are one month in- yeah, that feels like an eternity, but it also feels like it was yesterday, huh? Keep reading and keep posting. Your pastor is right about the anger. However, you need to face it and not push it under the fur. It only gets harder if you do. Deal with it when you get angry. Go out for a walk, punch a pillow. I would drive and scream for miles and miles. I journalled pages and pages in the computer.

One more thing, Jesus said in Him, we are a new creation. That is an awesome thing. You now have a new Husband.

Blessings!

Moveforward, Thanks for the advice.

I know my husband feels terrible for what he did to me. I know he would take it back if he could. And I know I'm dealing with my own emotions of anger, frustration, betrayal, etc. That's why I'm here.

I've felt like I'm on a really bad roller coaster this last month. I have my own business & literally it fell to the side while I was dealing with this. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, but all I wanted to do was sleep.

My past experiences with men before my husband & marriage were not so good. This goes back to growing up with an uncaring dad who betrayed me too. So, my issues with trust are huge. I've never allowed myself to trust any man until I met & married my husband. We dated for almost 4 years & lived together for 2 before I was ready to be married.

I had doubts about his relationships with other women at work, but thought I was being paranoid since I had trust issues. I really thought it was me & my problem. I truly believed he would never cheat on me so I was completely blind-sided when I found out.

In my past, when I would have trust broken, I would never go back to allow it to happen again. I'm on new territory here. I feel weak & stupid for taking him back.

As for emotional needs, what happened in our case was he quit being affectionate & wouldn't give me undivided attention many times when I would try to talk to him. As time went on, I withdrew from him sexually & mentally - even as I did tell him I was extremely lonely. I couldn't understand how I could be laying next to him & feel that lonely. However, I never completely withdrew from meeting his needs, but emotionally, I was shutting down. I felt he only came to me for sex so it was hard to emotionally be involved when I was feeling so used. What hurts me too is that I never would have withdrawn at all had he tried even a little to meet my needs. He was so completely & utterly selfish throughout our marriage and I am the one suffering for it.

bigkahuna - when I said punishment, I really mean feeling what I feel. He can never really know what he has done to me & how it makes me feel. I am the one who is living through the real pain while he is outside of it on many levels. And he is the one that inflicted the damage, but I'm paying the price. It just seems completely unfair to me to have to step up & be the bigger person again in our relationship.

Part of my problem stems from the fact that I have been the main provider throughout our marriage as well. So, he has never provided security for me. I take care of the bills & the finances as well. It's like I've been carrying the load in many ways. I always told myself that carrying this load was a trade-off for having a husband who was loyal & faithful. What a crock. I got neither. I got a husband who let me take care of everything while he complained about the materialistic stuff he couldn't get & the lack of sex (once a week is what I was giving him). He was so resentful & unthankful for any & all things I tried to do.

This is why I have such a hard time wanting to forgive.

I think you summed it up well at the last line- wanting to forgive. I think that is a choice you have to make. If you make that choice, then you have to be proactive. You will have to make decisions every day to do that.

On d-day, my husband asked forgiveness. He asked as a blanket statement. However, I forgave him in more of a quilt manner- you know - in pieces. There were lots of things for me to forgive him for. His EA, the ONS (I guess you could call it since they were together once), his putting his needs above mine or our family's, his selfishness, the act of betrayal, etc. They were all a part of the big picture, but I needed to break it down and forgive each of those hurts individually. I told my IC it was working for me like this because the hurt was so big and so bad, I could not forgive it all at one time. I needed to deal with each piece before I could forigve and get past it.

Triggers happen. If I get bogged back into that, the anger and frustration festers and makes me miserable. Then it is like taking a step backwards or unraveling part of the thread in my quilt.

Was the meeting with the pastor a one time thing or are you going to continue meeting with him? I know that meeting with my counselor has been very good for me. We are spending a great deal of time on my relationship with God. We also talk a lot about my father and they way he betrayed me, too.

There is another part of the forum that is a lot more acitve. It is the general questions section. Have you read there? Forgiveness is talked about a lot on the forums. Keep reading and posting. Keep praying. Have you asked God to help you with forgiveness? He knows how better than any of us do.

Blessings

In my case, I know my wife's affair was her choice and her doing. She caused me immense pain by doing this to me. Betrayal is not nice and she made me feel like a fool.

But I don't for one minute underestimate the desperation she felt being married to me for 23 years and not feeling loved or cherished. I know I created the environment that facilitated her state of mind and receptivity to having an affair with the sleazebag next door. Yes it was her choice. She is suffering mental anguish as well because of that choice and as the fog lifts, she is feeling worse & worse about her choice.

I don't know if that applies in your case but I have no doubt my wife is feeling at least as badly as I do about her affair. Maybe worse.

Moveforward,

I love the quilt analogy. That is a wonderful way to look at forgiveness for me. It's just so big & overwhelming that I think taking it in pieces is a great idea.

Can you tell me what EA & ONS are? I'm new to the board so I'm learning.

Our meeting with the pastor was a one time meeting, however, he said if we needed him again, he would surely meet with us - but he is not a counselor. I think I probably need to find one for us. I do want a Christian counselor with that perspective because it will be the most helpful to us.

I have prayed, but I need to pray more. It's hard for me to "let go & let God". I guess in many ways I want to hang onto it for whatever reason.

I guess I'm just such an idealist because of the way I live. I make sound decisions & never let me emotions lead me - even when I want to let my emotions lead (like NOW). That is why I never even thought about an affair when I wasn't having my needs met. I accepted things were not perfect & spent time adjusting my behavior to make things better. I accept that in the beginning of our marriage I contributed to the environment that pushed him in that direction of having an affair, but was a totally changed person before the affair ever took place. By then, I guess he just couldn't see it, I don't know.

I want to add too that I'm having trouble believing my husband sincerity. This is because I have realized that he is extremely talented at manipulating me. In any given situation (like catching him in a little white lie), he would act just like "a puppy being scolded after having an accident on the carpet". It was like he never intended to lie - maybe he just forgot to tell me. And I would believe him. Looking back, I can see how skillful he was at turning his lies around & making me seem overly sensitive or paranoid for asking. He was never angry & instead very sorry always. BUT, he wasn't sorry - he was only acting sorry. How can I now believe he really means it?

One example of this type of behavior was if I were in another room & call him to come where I am, he would say in a sweet voice, "I'll be right there" while under his breath saying "F*#$%& S*#T"! I caught him once & was shocked. He was always showing one side to me, but another one existed that I didn't know. Or maybe the one I saw didn't exist?

Even today, I've sunk into depression again because I just found out he may "choose" to work on Saturday (my 35th birthday) because he thinks he needs to for a new business he may be buying. I was hoping in light of all the sadness & depression I've had that he would do something special for me. It reminds me of the past when he would do little for me always putting everything ahead of me.

How am I going to make it?


BigKahuna, Maybe you are just stronger then I am, I don't know. I guess I don't understand the feelings of someone who creates their own crisis in life since that has never been my personality. I don't do things that have consequences I cannot bear. And I have a hard time feeling badly for someone who makes choices that hurt others without regard for them - especially the one who is suppose to be the most important person in your life. That is why I cannot "feel" for my husband since he chose to have the affair. How can I sympathize with it since it was totally & completely selfish & void of any feeling for me? All while I sat at home in the evenings waiting for him and looking forward to seeing him.

EA=Emotional Affair
ONS=One Night STand

The acronyms are a little hard at first aren't they.

Have you read through the other stuff on the web site - the affair stuff? Stuff about Love Bank & Love Busters. You need to read that stuff particularly the affair stuff. It really will help.

Yes, and buy the book Surviving an Affair. Some of the stuff is in His Needs Her Needs, but this has a lot more for surviving.

Yeah a Christian Conselor is great, or mine is. I'm sure he's not the only good one around.

I so understnad the wanting to hold on to this. For a while, this was my identity- this was me. I held on to it like it was a comforting thing instead of something so far from that. It was like I was holding on to a pillow that was warm and made me feel good to snuggle in. I Had to make an effort to continually put the pillow down when I got too comfortable with my pain.

I had a hard time praying, too. I still do sometimes. I like to be in control. I tend to try to take that away from God. I have to give up control to Him. That is so hard for me. I usually pray, give God the issue, then grab it up as I get off my knees. To try to stop that, I write down what I give to Him. Then I fold it up and put it in a jar I have in my bedroom. I call it my God jar. That is where I leave it. When I am tempted to pick it up, I remember it is in the jar (in His hands). It makes it much easier to leave it for some reason.
blessings

Want2BStrong,
I identify a lot with your situation, and your FWH's handling of things.

Do you want to save your marriage? It is okay not to know that right now I think.

If you DO want to save your marriage, restore it, you must work out these inequalities in your relationship. His spending, his support of the family, his lack of responsibility, his immaturity and selfishness are all things that you are going to have to forgive at times as they rear their heads. As Christ forgave us. I guess the question is, is your H trying? Is he examining himself? Is he willing to counsel? It sounds like the answer is yes. Have you considered MB counseling? I personally recommend it highly for this recovery time, it worked great for us, best $ we ever spent. Jennifer Harley Chalmers "graduated" us last month, it's $185 a session, but won't be "dragged out" longer or more than you two need it, very worthwhile and Christian to boot.

As far as your birthday, this is a great opportunity to negotiate. Tell him what you want, don't expect him to read your mind. In positive terms. "I would love it if, under the circumstances this year, we could do something special for my birthday. It would mean a lot to me if you planned it, how would you feel about that?" That is straight MB-counselor-speak.

As far as forgiveness, every day is a step forward up the mountain of recovery. Every day you get more ground behind you. That is such a good thing. Sometimes the anger and hurt does hit like a ton of bricks, I have been there too. Sounds like you handle it about as well as a person can, but it's hard. There IS a light at the end of that tunnel though, a year from now this will be much less painful, I promise. (If you deal with it with your H and in MC, which I know you guys will.)

The other thing I remind myself when I get overwhelmed by it ALL, is that this life is NOT about me & my H and how wronged I've been or how much it hurts, or why it happened, and so on. It's about me & God, and my H & God. It's about forgiveness, learning to love and comfort in the aftermath of sin as I have been loved & comforted, be peaceful in the face of stress, and kind in the face of hurt, to be joyful in the face of pain, and to exercise self-control about the feelings I have for OW even when provoked by her! That's what really matters, that is what it comes down to when we die, and God cannot and will not forsake us, betray us, lie to us, or hurt us. God is love. God is truth. Whew, I love that about God.

Welcome to MB, it's a great place to be even if I'm sorry for your situation that you ended up here.

MSA

Agreed. The web site was a lifeline while I waited for the books. We are in Oz and I also ordered the audio courses. We have done a couple of them now and they are really helping.

Surviving an affair is a great book. I read it and now my wife is reading it. It's very hard for her but it is helping.

I am now, after 9 weeks of recovery thinking I don't need to read another thing about affairs but instead feel comfortable on focussing on recovery. You will get past this all too.

Unforgivness will kill you. Let it go.

Brilliant post!

It's not all about me, not all about my wife, not all about her affair. It's all about God and restoration and forgiveness

Wow! Thanks for the great advice. It has really picked me up. I will tell my husband about the how important it is that he do something special for my BD. I was so bummed & I was going to sit & wait (so he could NOT read my mind & fail) so I could point out again the disappointment. But, I won't do that.

I will buy the book, Surviving An Affair. It was on my reading list after His Needs, Her Needs.

My husband is willing, but I can tell to he gets frustrated with me. Sometimes he tries to give me TOO much advice about what I should be doing & I resent it coming from him. He isn't the same selfish person, but I never really saw that side to the extent it existed. So, I'm having trouble seeing the change.

I will try to remember it's not all about me too.

Wow! I'm impressed, you are a good MB student! Seriously, your insight here is very keen, good good job! It took me forever to figure those dynamics out. Let me know how it goes (for your Bday)!

MSA

Unfortunatly, we ended up arguing instead of him listening to my needs & trying to work with me. My H did a couple of things today that were totally inconsiderate. First, on his business venture, he decided (without me) to not put me on the loan app. He didn't even call me & ask. He took off work to do this, then takes extra time to come home & fax our tax stuff to the bank (when I could have done it for him after my meeting).

Then, when I mentioned my BD (earlier today), he said "Do you want me to get the training I need or not" instead of seeing if he could work something out with the owners to spend a little more time next week training so he could keep his engagement with me. He said he was worried about how he would be perceived by the owners - his image & integrity. The problem is that this WAS & IS a big problem for us. He has always been more concerned about how others see him then how I feel - always.

Another example of his thoughtlessness was a couple of days ago I told him I was low on coolant. He told me to take my vehicle in & take care of it. Then, tonight (after I'm already in the dumps because of the other incidents today) he tells me he has to run to the store & get antifreeze for his Trans Am because it is going to freeze tonight & he needs to change it before it does. This is after his told me to take my vehicle in (when he knows I cannot take off work to do it). I asked why he wouldn't take care of mine as well. Of course, he has to bicker with me first, then say he will do it. Also, after taking off work today for his stuff, he said he doesn't have time to help me with the coolant.

This is what created many of our problems to begin with - he is always putting himself & his feelings over mine.

I'm trying but very frustrated.

Oh no. that doesn't sound good at all. I am wondering if you shouldn't be looking at Plan B. He needs to have a shock of some kind for sure. Have you read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" You might have to precipitate a crisis and leave him until he is prepared to consider you. You will need some good counselling to help you with your goal of getting your husbands attention. I don't think this is good advice?

Even now, I was reading some posts to him about telling the OWH (which he is against & I am for) & when I was done, he had no reply & said "I've got to get back outside & check on my TA - since he had to charge the battery". Again, I didn't have his undivided attention.

Where is plan B? I haven't read "Love must be Tough". It looks like I've got alot of reading ahead.

I do need some good counseling before I go crazy.

Plan A/Plan B here.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/postlist.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB26

In essence you kick him out until he is prepared to wake up and work on your marriage. Again, it's not a step you should take until you have exhausted every possibility and I would recommend you get some professional help from a counsellor who is pro-marriage and is prepared to help you get your husband back to where he will work on your marriage.

Thanks, Bigkahuna. I will probably work on Plan A since we are just starting the process and find a good counselor. Then, I will give it 6 mo. at a min. before I look into Plan B & hopefully, we won't need it.

He is? He has a funny way of showing it. I wish he would come on here and I will tell him that myself. Does he want to recover or not???

MSA