Ever so grateful to have found this site and info. Found out 2/1/2 month ago that my H of 21 yrs was having an A. 6 months prior, he’d ask for a separation, as he would have had me believe, to give me time to find myself and my smile again. H is a workaholic and owns and operates a couple of successful companies he has built up from scratch. Over the years as business grew he was gone more and more “tending” to business & we grew apart. I can not blame him entirely for the distance between us, I had spent 7 of the last 11 years of our life consumed with the care of love ones, my parents and his own grandmother ( all of them victims of cancer) as they died.

I was devastated and heartbroken when he ask for the separation. Ironically we had went away for what was suppose to be a romantic weekend and one I had hope to use to renew our relationship. I ask him then if there was someone else, and he denied this. Went out of his way to try to convince me that this was more about me. Ask me a provoking question in that if I was not his wife and the mother of his children, who would I be? To make what's sure to be a long story shorter, I agreed to the separation and spent the rest of the spring and the summer trying to find myself and patiently awaiting for him to come and visit me and the kids.

It was a painful time for myself and our dd (12) ( ds 19 was involved enough in his own life so as not to be affected-so I thought) . We had recently bought a lakehouse so daughter and I spent most of the summer there in the hopes of a change of space would help me to sort myself out as it were. H visits were rare, 2-4 days at max a month and sometimes only for a few hours at a time–there would often be a call u see and an emergency so he would say would call him away. He’d often make arrangements to visit and dd and I would go out of our way to make a big dinner for him and or get dressed up with a plan to go out to dinner with him and he would not show up. Would spent hours trying to reach him on his cell & when I did reach him–sometimes as late as the next day, he would always have some such excuse too.

Around mid May H called me to tell me one of my own brothers had called him to ask him if he was having an A. I had not up to this point clued my family in on our separation and since I’d been up at the lakehouse with dd and a distance from my family I could not credit myself where this was coming from. But I was curious enough to know what H’s answer had been to my brother and where the “rumor” had come from. H made up some such story that related that it had started with a friend of our son who had consulted my SIL who consulted with my brother. I ask H once again if there was someone, he denied as much.

In June H made arrangements to be with dd and I and a couple of dd’s friend for he 12th birthday. We spent the weekend up in Minneapolis at the Mall of America taking the girls to Camp Snoopy. There was a short in the fire alarm system at the hotel that made necessary for us to vacate our rooms while it was sorted out. Left alone in his suv with the girls while he went to see when we could return to our rooms I happened upon his personal check book and I began to flip through it and discovered an entry for a purchase of condo in April in a city two hours away from the town we live in. He returned before I could get any further, catching me in the act, and angry that I was going through his checkbook. When I ask him about the condo he told me it was an investment. I bought his story because I knew he had been investing in property and commodities and oil wells over the last few years. These were things in the past that we used to discuss together though.

In August I noticed he was coming back more. I rather counted myself lucky and in truth, I had after the crying stopped found the means to find me again and to learn to get on without him. In the first week in September he sent me to his office in town to pick up some files he needed and I happened on evidence to confirm he was having an A. Turns out the condo he purchased was for a mistress he had been supporting for the last 5 months. I have since learned they met in March, so when he ask for the separation he was already in a relationship with her. I confronted dh about it. At first he tried to lie, but I was of a mind not to take any more lies from him and he came out and admitted it was so. But he told me he had broke it off with her the first week in August. ( this explains why he was coming home more often) I ask him if he had loved her and he was painfully honest with a, “I am not sure.” I then ask him why he had came back to me and he said, “ because I love you more”.

Days after I confronted him he had a physical and mental collapse that lead to his being hospitalized. He now no longer has a memory of the events of most of this last year. IE he does not remember he had an A. I have been told this is a memory block and he will more than likely regain it when he feel safe to do so.

Unfortunately he has left me in the kids in a pickle, leaving me to investigate and unravel events related to both business and private affairs of the last several months when he was for the most part not a part of our lives. In doing so I have uncovered other affairs–these were more attune to one night stands and or weekend get aways. I have also uncover that our son knew of his father’s mistress, even met her after returning from a week long trip with his father. It was in fact my son who confided in his friend who confided in my SIL who confided in my brother, unfortunately no one was confiding in me. I have also discovered that many of his employees knew and when I say his I mean our because I outright own half of the companies and am the treasurer of the board of directors. I have since activated a power of attorney and seize control of everything as H is incapable of handling his own affairs right now let alone ours and business.

I had been dealing with the mistress for the last couple of months too. Once he collapsed I was handed over his cells and answered one of her calls as I was fielding. By her own admission they had broke it off as he told me in August. Although she would have me believe that he had promised to continue to support her. And like a fool I bought into and had continued to do so in his absence. However, I stop doing so this month as her calls kept coming ( in our first and only conversation I ask her to stop) and she is very aggressive. Aware of his lost memory ( stupid me, I told her) she now seems intent on attacking me and painting me a villainess and herself in the best possible light while conveying hurtful things to me that he has confided in her–so she would have me believe. I refuse to answer her calls but she still leave messages. She tells me of his plans to divorce me and to marry her. In her messages she now even introduces herself as his fiancee. In retaliation I stopped paying her bills this month. & I realize now that I probably never should have bought into her sob story and that in doing so ( continuing to pay her bills) she has convinced herself that he is responsible–making me do it--and as such has a plan to return to her.

H is recovering slowly. He has been told of his actions and A and while he might have wanted to deny them as so physical evidence denies him this. There is talk that this all may be related to a middle age crises. He turned 40 this year. He has apologized, in a I can’t say I am sorry enough fashion and feels bad ( an understatement in as much as he appears quite obviously as devastated by all this as I am) and as far as I know, he has had no contact with her since he did in fact break it off with her. In fact, I and his therapist have both speculated that she might have contributed to his collapse. Have listened to messages that she left prior to his collapse on his voice mail that also confirmed their break-up and contained the rambling of a desperate woman trying to get him back even with threats of suicide if he did not return. I am heartbroken of course, but I am trying to be empathetic and understand the rock and the hard place he must have been placed in. He has no recall of her himself. I do fear that if his memory returns that he will remember that he loved her more than he loves me. But I do try to take comfort from the fact that when his mind was seemingly in tact when I confronted him, he told me he had “ loved me more”. [color:"red"] I do wonder if anyone else has dealt with the likes of a total memory loss/ block? [/color]

From all accounts what H did tell me was true. But after my own shock wore off there are still a number of lingering questions I wish I could have answered by him, among which is, why? I did ask this before he lost his memory but the only answer he could give me was that he was stupid.

& I think it is these questions without answers that are tearing me up. Emotionally this has all been a roller coaster for me that peaks with anger and lows with sorrow. And if I am honest with myself, there were signs all but slapping me in the face and now I feel a fool. When asked for the separation, I felt he was on the verge of asking me for a divorce and so I went along complacently with the hope of saving our marriage. We’d been arguing a lot before this about his lack of involvement and our lives and his seemingly overbearing ambitions. We had work so hard to built a life that it had seemed neither of us were really happy in. & the irony here in the months of our separation on the rare times I saw him he seemed so happy. Happier than he had been in such a long time. This was infectious and only made me want to be with him more.

Prior to the events of this last year he has always been a good, decent, generous and honorable man. True we had grown apart in the last few years of our marriage, but he has always otherwise been my knight in albeit tarnished armor and I do want to save my marriage and he seems sincere in his desire to do so as well. As hard as it has been, on the really bad days I try to look at this as a opportunity to right the wrongs in our lives. I want to trust him again and I want to not hurt anymore and I want to believe he loves me and well I just want to believe in something again.

Sorry my story so long. I hope to take advantage of all the info and connection of others who have been there too. I have been so lost and lonely these last several weeks.

sleeplessiniowa

Oh wow, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I am really blown away by this loss of memory your dh is experiencing. Does it mean he cannot remember the affair, or the whole year?

I experienced memory loss, but that was due to massive internal hemorraging, not a break down, and it isnt as severe as to forget a whole year completely.

Are you sure he really doesnt remember?, my FWH always claimed he couldnt remember anything related to his A, turns out he was lying through his teeth and he remembered quite a bit, just was trying to cover his behind desperately.

I am at a loss of words, and I hope more experienced MBers can lend you a hand, just wanted to let you know, someone out there is reading.

Sii,

Welcome to MB. Your story may seem long but in reality all of our stories are long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Couple of things.....I think that u r handling it all quite well despite the circumstances and the psycho OW.

Here's my 2 cents:

1. Keep up your IC/MC w/your therapist.
2. Call Steve H @ MB for phone counseling. If you can afford it, it w/b worth it's weight in gold.

3. As for your H's mind lapse....it is a common side effect. Not to the degree your H has it but even mine has forgotten details which unfortunately are embedded in my (the BS') brain for life. YUCK!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

4. It is easy to say don't fret but right now, fretting takes time and energy.....think you need to save that for all that is on your plate.

5. Get IC for your children. All of them.
See if your son will give the IC details so that you both can get closure.


6. Don't expect your H to regain all his memory. It is a painful experience even though they created it.

7. Realize your H was a WS for a time and NOT in his right mind.

8. Go seek a lawyer re: the OW and get protection. Expect her to attack yourself, work, home, family and assets.

9. Get an RO on the OW. Not maybe......she is psycho. Many a WS want to 'replace' the BS. Those movies about A's are not far from the stories we read here. The symptoms are eerily similar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Call the local police dept in her town. Do a background check on her. Get prepared.

10. Read the concepts section, read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Then counsel with Steve Harley. He will help you get the closure you and your family need to move forward.

When your H is ready to come home, then you c/b there to help him heal. But you must help yourself 1st, then your children, then your H.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

take care,
L.

Hi Alostwife. You are on the money with my own concern and question, is he lying? Then too if it could make me feel better I wish to heck I could lose my memory too! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr My H has a diagnosed condition called Transit Global Amnesia and we have had episodes with this before, memory losses. We’ve had about four episodes of it in the last five years–sometimes it is only a few hours that he loses, but in the worst case scenario he actually lost up to 22 month of memory. The condition seems to be aggravated by stress and his inability to deal with emotional pain.

It is an after effect of his shutting himself off and emotionally withdrawing. Unable to bend with the wind, he ultimately breaks, and functions on auto pilot. The complications in life distract and detract from the damaging he is doing to himself and others–me and the kids until he collapses. His collapse is a wake-up call. & where he wasn’t really there when he was he is sudden there again but he has no recollection of the time he wasn’t there–“for us”. There is an obvious association here to his guilt and his own association to his own view of himself that he has failed us.

And the 22 month memory loss came after a long period of stress for him with relation to his own grandmother’s ( she had raised him so was like his mother) dying and death. This was not an easy time for any of us to be sure, it was not an easy death-- i f there is such a thing. Unhappy that she was dying, she needed everyone else to feel bad. At the time she was living with us as I cared for her. ( 3 years) so talking 24/7 repression of sadness that myself and the kids lived in. Business kept him busy and away and out of the crush of most of it but I have since come to understand that it was harder on him being away. And to be fair he has actually only lost 7 mths of memory this time round. The numbers do not crunch correctly though. This takes him back a month before the OW, so I can only speculate there was an A ( another OW or so) before his association with her. His last real memory was leaving to go to Florida in Feb with the “guys” on a trip to Daytona and through the Keys on their cycles. Actually his last real memory is going through the gates of Daytona. So I suspect something happened there and the “guys” are as yet talking. And I rather think a clue to his mind frame is that he is not asking them either himself. I have no evidence as yet to confirm this. But I do have evidence that implicates he had been with other women while he was involved with the one I have dubbed his mistress.

I find it odd that she–his mistress- is attacking me and not him. But I suppose failing her attempts to emotionally extort him to return to her she has decided on a new tactic that’s attune to rubbing salt into my wounds.

I am very analytical and even compassionate so I really did try to see this from her perspective. However this is hard to do, given her own admission that she had flirted with him a month before they had initiated a relationship ( the so called first date I guess). And at her own brazen admission she initiated the affair ( least to my mind) by actually following him to a restaurant/ bar. Where they had too much to drink–least wise, he did so I imagine-- and she ended up offering to drive him back to the hotel–of course, he never made it back to his hotel that night. She’d been working as a desk clerk at the hotel for about a month that he frequented when he did business in that area.

Initially ( once she realized she was talking to his wife) she tried to paint herself as an injured party and innocent victim, promoting a notion that she did not realize he was married. Thought he had been divorced for seven years? But no one was aware of the divorce because of the “kids”. By no one, I mean our kids, family, friends and employees and members of the community we both grew up and have lived or at least owned a home in for all of our lives. Frankly, after consideration of this, I wondered that she did not try to convince me I wasn’t aware of the divorce either. & I really have a hard time grasping the notion that if he was deceptive with her that she was that naive. She’s is 38 years old, so not talking the naive nature that might come with inexperience in life.

When she started to attack me is when I considered that she may not be such a innocent in this triangle. Seemed odd to me that if he had lied to her as she had wanted me to believe, that she should be naturally angry at him. ( Am I wrong in this thinking?)

I realize too that she is angry. I have enough information/ evidence to substantiate many of the details , he showered her with a condo, a car. flowers, jewelry, dinners out and trips–supported her to the tune that she left her job. ( I understand this had something to do with the fact that she was caught flirting with a reg customer–IE my husband, which was grounds for dismissal.) It seems painfully obvious to me that she was living the romance that I so desperately wanted with my H. A fairy tale with him that albeit had a fractured ending with him returning to me, his W.

She has tried to plant seeds of doubts. There is clear evidence to confirm he broke it off with her on August 8th and made no attempts to contact her, but she has told me that he called her to say that he had lost his memory ( this after I had told her of his collapse and lost memory) on September 9th. Told her he was lost in Kansas somewhere. At that point I was anxious enough about my H's condition that I did not consider the date so I did not check the dialed call records on his cell. But I have since established that he was with me at the time and this was in the days just after I uncovered the proof of the A , and had confronted him. A couple days later he had his collapse. And it is yes, possible, he still had possession of his cell phones, he might have called her when I was unaware. However after considering this I have since decided that this is more than likely yet another lie on her part. I listened to the seemingly endless messages she had left , after his collapse which he had not deleted and nowhere was there mention of his lost memory and lost in Kansas call, much less her concern if this were the case and she loves him as she would have me believe. To the contrary her messages were more along the lines of more of the same of threats and despair on her part if he did not return her calls and return to her and or whines of her panic notion of who was going to take care of her now.

I am “bothered’ by the other As to be sure. But she is the one that troubles me because she seems to refuse to let go. She also appears to be the only one he put up in a condo. I am also bothered by my own behavior. This anger and hurt that I can not seem to control. And I fad in and out of the notion that this is really happening– IE his memory loss is real and a notion that it is all contrived as a means to escape from the guilt of his actions and consequences of. For his own part he is bothered as well. He might have wanted to deny facts but faced with the truth of the evidence, he was unable to do so. So he is he is either genuinely horrified by the truth of his behavior or he missed his calling as an actor.

Orchid, thank U for your input and direction help. I have not ruled out a RO. I am not even listening to her messages left any more and am working to change the account and have her number blocked altogether. At this point I am insecure enough to be haunted by all the hurtful things she said when I was weak enough and hungry enough for an avenue to the truth to listen even as I struggled to concluded that she is dealing with her own issues which are attune to being a sore loser I suspect so I am trying to learn not to give much of what she has said weight. I have read enough to understand now that everytime I was doing this–listening to her message left-- I was in essence going back to square one in my own healing process. She thinks he was faithful to her. Refuses to believe we were still having a “relationship” on the rare occasion he was coming home & I have not answered any of her calls since the one and only, so she, unlike myself, is unaware that there were other As in those months. In short I do think she is deluding herself and yeah maybe even scary in a delusional way.

I am reading the material on this site. Was up most of the night doing so. I plan to order books and even schedule an appoint as time allows. I have been seeing a therapist myself since he ask for the separation. I learned a lot about myself and the flaws in my relationship–or at least my own responsibilities for. As terrible as it was, I can now credit that I am in a better place now thanks to my separation. I have learned not to confuse need ( I got to have him in my life to live) with want ( I love him and as such want him in my life). Thanks to this site I have already taken it a step further and can see how I was more than likely failing his emotional needs and this is what he was getting from her–not that this justifies his actions by any means-- & no doubts he has been failing my emotional needs as well. I am also still leaning towards a middle age crisis–not that is an excuse either– there were clues of his insecurity thought that I missed and can now recognized as such. Case in point, my husband of then 20 years asking me if I still found him physically attractive. The memory of really sticks out in my mind because it is a question he had never asked.

While I have power of attorney and complete control, I may be wrong in this, but I am taking steps to make radical changes in our life. Not without his consent to do so. He seems to be agreeing with everything these days, which I must admit disturbs me–is out of character for him-- at least the man that I have known these last few years. I am doing this with an idea to remove stress from his life and give us back some of the time together we surrendered to get where we are today. A place we obviously do not want to be.

Forgive me, another long one. Hope this does not break the rules. I can not tell you I am moved to tears with relief of finding others to relate to and can see that this site will be a powerful healing tool. My mother died at 42, 12 years ago, and my father passed two years ago and I have no sisters, and my four brothers can not seem to relate to my feminine feelings–beside at least two of them I feel have betrayed me by not telling me. Nor do I have any friends who are in my position. Which brings up another topic in that I wonder how others deal with friends who with good intentions I am sure, advice you to just “take what you can and get out” like it is really that simple. I have no intentions of doing this. Love him far too much. But I do feel others see me as weak for not doing so–considering the embarrassment and humiliation and shame he has put me through. My pride is of course wounded. I was raised in manner wherein I learned that pride wasn’t something that could be taken away unless it was given away. And I feel low enough now to recognize that I gave me pride to H and he cared so little about me that he crushed it underfoot.

Just a quick thought..... don't erase the messages. Record them on a separate tape or CD for proof. Then erase them. Make sure you notate/record the date and time.

Gotta go to work.

L.

double post.

Thanks Orchid. I have saved some of them– they delete themselves on a 30 says cycle but I still have plenty of them. I will record/download them. I think I know where you are going with this and yes, I have considered the messages she left me to be security / evidence to use against her in the event that she leaves me no choice. Actually after our one and only phone conversation, dh therapist had H listen to some of them. With a thought that it might jar his memory. Failing that, he also had H call her, in his presence, to have him explain to her so there was no misunderstanding once again that it was over and that he loved his wife and ask her to stop the calls. I was not there when this happened but received a report of and was told that the OW was unable to accept this as so. Kept repeating over and over again that he loves her and hated me–his wife and that she was suppose to be with him, not me and failing to get him to accept this, ended the call on him with a notion that “ we’ll just talk about all of this later”. Dh actually had another physical collapse again after hanging up so I gather the “ordeal” calling a woman he'd like convince himself he does not know least by way of memories of, but can not deny that he did not know her intimately, was traumatic for him. This call I think is in fact what prompted the series of phone calls to me. His phone handed back to me so I could continue to field his business calls, I noticed that the messages she began to leave on his phone were direct entirely at me. She seems to have convinced herself that I am in some way extorting him to keep him from her. Her messages started out kindly too, the first with pleas for me to allow her to see him at least once more so that she could resolve issues with him and find some closure. ( I had no intension of allowing this if I had a say because I'd already had enough contact with one phone conversation and reports and then her messages left fot him to decide she is a bit deluded in a scary murder sucide if I can not have him sort of fashion.) Maybe I am being dramatic but not willing to risk it. & The longer I let these pleas for her to see him again to find "closure" go unanswered the more aggressive and hateful she became with messages left.

I suggest you do not listen to anymore of her calls. Whose name is the condo in?? You can find out - have her evicited- asap. Is the car he bought her in your H's name - have it towed. She will get the message. If I were to have one last phone conversation with this witch I would advise her to get a job immediatley and move. I would file harrasment charges against this woman for the continued calls. The police would love to see your phone messages from her. I would also call a realotr to sell the condo ASAP.

Unfortunately ... your life has been invaded by a wacko-OW ... not all OW's are wacky ... the one you have calling you is wacky

trust NOTHING she says to be true

be VERY cautious regarding this woman

she sounds very UNbalanced and capable of truely irrational and even possibly violent behavior (think Amy Fisher/ Joey Buttafuko)

Good morning,

I actually slept a little last night so not so sleepless.

Realtor, the condo is in his name. He obviously went off his rocker but he was not stupid– strike that by his own admission, he is or at least has been that. And as soon as she moves out I am going to put it on the market. All the utilities and phone and cable where also in his name and have been disconnected, and or are in the process of being so. I paid em and other odds and ends in September and October ( had directed her to send them to the office in one and only conversation with), but in retaliation for her continued calls and growing aggression towards me, I made arrangements for these to be disconnected the end of October with an idea that I would pay the final billings for this month. But I learned last week that only one that got disconnected was the phone. Cable bill came in first week in November at the offices in town and there were charges for full service in December--obviously it was not disconnected. Called cable and ask why not and they said they did not have orders to disconnect. I am the one the called them so ding ding ding, something up here. Called utilities company and they tell me they did go out to the condo unit to disconnect and someone there - I assume her, canceled the disconnection. How she is getting away with this is beyond me, ‘cept she must be representing herself as me and or him ( he has a feminine first name) is all I can think.

Both cable and utilities have apologized profusely for the “confusion” and guessing they are disconnected now am waiting for final billings and these won't come now till December thanks to her antics. I am speculating– that Cablevision called her to make arrangements to pick up their equipment and she talked em out of it with more lies. When I made the decision to stop paying the bills, I had thought to allow her to stay in the condo if she wanted to pick up her own tab till after the first of the year but have since –last week--made arrangements to have condo manager serve eviction papers on her- after learning of her continued deceptions.

The car is in her name. It was a gift and I have no problem with that. Frankly, I ‘d give her the damn condo if she would just damn well support herself and get out of our lives.

Last I heard: She was working now as a convenience store clerk– at least she left a message for him back the end of August ( messages I had found in September after his collapse) to tell him that she had got a job and that she had cleaned up the condo. Her messages were such as to suggest that these were issues they argued about in their break up. The last message I did listen to at the end of October she told me he’d told her that he hated to have sex with me and that he’d told her that I was a lousy mother and that he was making arrangement to move our daughter into the condo with them ( it is a two bedroom). The fact that she even knew my children’s names much less spoke them, boiled me! When she brought my kids into this well I decided then and there this is war!

Hugs

Pepper, I agree she is a wack job. And yeah, I do not by any means think all OW are. There were others As–these are nameless and faceless, but enough evidence to suggest they happened with trips out East and to Vegas, billing for rooms for two and dinners for two–and OW confirmed notion he was working at the time. He wasn’t with me and the kids and he wasn’t working and he wasn’t with her so . . . ..

I find it startlingly easy how investigating all of this has been oddly really simple. He never hid anything. Not like I ever went through his files and paperwork and computers and billings before all this happened–and the thing is I probably never would have gone to the lengths I have if he had not lost his memory. To my mind I know too many details, there are things I would have rather been spared.

I am beginning to suspect OW is a chameleon and that she played on his sympathies and I may be wrong in this but I do think the difficulties she has been giving me is not all bad in the fact that she is showing her true colors. Memory loss or not , I am not sparing him from the details of her behavior.

It was also startlingly easy to activate my power of attorney too. H signed papers to the affect with our lawyers two weeks after he ask for a separation–all I had to do was sign it to activate it to seize control of everything. Yes, I thought this odd– but U know it was just another oddity at the time cause he had been acting so dang odd, now it seems to me it was like he knew he was falling down and a piece of him still decent was trying to reach out for help . And yes, I was so dang tempted to activate em then! But I didn’t. The most out of character behavior though is the fact that he intro our son to her. The man I know/ once knew may well of had an affair, but I just can not see him in the right frame of mind doing that to our son.

DS being torn between his loyalty to his father and his love for me, had terrible affect on. Ds started to go through these horrible rages that I could not credit– home for the summer from college his behavior was such, in the manner of I had to ask myself where did my sweet boy go? For a time I was concerned drugs were involved. Things began to come up missing from the houses too. Namely liquor from the bars and cabinets. But also items that belong to H.

Today I am still unsure if H was removing them or if ds was removing them. I can think/ suspect son was drowning his anger in the missing liquor--but we are talking cabnets completely cleared out including a couple of special bottles of cognac that had belong to H grandfather, and there are some suits and jewelry missing from H closets too. When H was of a frame of mind to talk about what he had done he still denied taking this stuff so I am unsure and maybe leaning toward DS having taken them –maybe to shred them and destroy to vent some of his anger towards his father???? However if this is the case Ds is not yet ready to admit to this.

And I remember calling H and crying out my concerns for DS this summer, in a something has got to be wrong with him fashion. H answer to the problem was to send ds backpacking and yachting with friends in Florida for the rest of the summer. And by the time Ds got back well this was all out in the open. OW in the one conversation we had is the one that told me she had met ds and I ask him and he admitted he had.

Ds went through rages for a time after all this came out until I finally convinced him to talk to a counselor. Happily he is doing much better these days, however he decided not to go back to college this year. He is working though and I am trying really hard to keep him out of the thick of it. Seems to me he had been dealing with the heartbreak of this betrayal with his knowledge of longer than I have.

Dd , my baby, is the one that I am concerned with now. Seems too normal–handing all of this too well. She was my angel while I was crying my eyes out after her daddy ask me for a separation and she was there for the heartbreaking disappointment when H would make arrangements to spend time with us and not show up. And I can not even begin to think what kind of message my H behavior and even my own in my heartbreak has planted in her heart.



Hope everyone has a good one!

Glad you have taken care of things. Listen her talking about your kids -do not let it bother you. She is just baiting you. She obviously did not keep things clean, they had fights about her cleaning. He may have said things about you but he knows a clean house? I doubt very much he said much about you - they were to busy for that. I would love to hear what she does with the eviction ? Great job. She will be eating dust soon.

I got a question for everyone. While I am selling the condo, should I sell everything that he bought that has an association with her? Case in point, he bought a couple of new Harleys while he was involved with her. She even told me that he named em after her. And I know this is true cause when he showed em to me earlier this summer on one of his rare visits back here to see us he told me he named em and the names are the same. He also bought a 5th wheeler camper toy hauler with a slidder bedroom. I know she decked it out– U know dishes pots and pans and towels, and I know she was with him in it as in the went to cycle Rally and Nascar races and obviously she had sex with him in the bed?

Ask for the doctor if it is ok to ask him his opinion on selling these items, u r in a unique position that most of us BS wish we were in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Re: IMHO, selling those items s/b using the POJA (policy of joint agreement) tool.

Read up on this in His Needs/Her Needs and in the concepts section above.

BTW, did he make any 'legal document' changes (like a will change, beneficiary revision, get a new ins policy )?

Make sure she isn't financially tied to him in any way.

L.

Hi Orchid,
I will do as you say with regards to doctor and POJA. Right now I am working on the emotional needs worksheets. He and I are going to work with these this weekend.

With regards to your question, not that I have as yet found. I have looked though to be sure. It would appear that he never really tried to take anything from us–me and the kids-- at least to his mind. We are working on that. He was obviously have good time, no doubts there, and this has caused complications. I have spent weeks sorting out the mess of business and investments that he was ignoring while he was “playing”. It was obvious that he was a busy man. He did make some more investments in some oil wells, which she told me about as well as the fact that they were named after her. Doris 1-2-3, ( name changed to protect the no so innocent). He did not confirm this– while he had a mind to do so but I found the investments and they are in his name only. She did tell me too that they were looking at property to build a house on. I do think this is so cause I found documentation to recommend this was true, but thank goodness there was no purchase there before he came to his senses in as much as he has.

Had our first session of MC and it did not go well. FWH is too turned into himself and his own hurt and denial of events to be ready to work with me on recovery of our marriage. Was decided to postpone MC sessions until FWH can find more healing for himself. He will continue with his own therapy. Seems oddly painful to me–as if to compound it, that I waited in the wings during our separation for 6 months while he went about his A that he kept hidden from me and now I must continue to wait. I do want him to feel better, but it feels like I am spinning my wheels here. Inpatient? Yes, but it hurts too for me U know and well . . . I’m just in one of those moods. Did not sleep well again last night. Been up since 2:AM. He tells me he loves me. Why do they feel like such empty words? I can not deny he seem devastated by is actions/ behavior, and I may be hard in this notion, but it seems to me he is more intent on feeling sorry for himself and wanting others to feel the same. I recognize that I must have played some responsibility in his bad choices/ A and as such there are no victims here, but why do I still feel like a victim? Sorry just rambling and hurt right now.

An eventful week and it is only Tuesday. I moved into recovery thread not sure if I belong here, since WH has given up OW but have since decided this is the place I need to be since I still have a lot of unanswered questions.

Started MC, did not go over well, FWH is not ready for this, still over-whelmed with his own issues to deal with. Was heart broken most of the weekend because of my desire to move forward. Have since recognized that like the fog he was in while active in the affair he is going to do this in his own time.

Sunday was really bad, I think he was feeling the affects of our session, he cried with a notion that he was worthless and no good for the kids and I. I reassure him otherwise. Learned he had stopped taking his anti depression med, called doctor and got him to take it again. I do think his tears were good–he’s not given as is the norm so this has got to be healthy.

He left Monday for business and will not be returning till Wed. He is traveling with his male assistant. I say male cause I am grateful for this and grateful he is not alone. It is still early enough into the resolve and recovery of and with so many unanswered questions that I am not comfortable with him being alone. I think he resents this, a peek of his former independent self, but is giving me this small comfort at least till we are on better ground with each other. One of my younger brothers called and told him FWH was away on business and he had assistant with at my request. Brother was not happy to hear this. Thinks I should let FWH go. Of course, brother does not grasp that this is not about my concern that he will return to OW but my concerns for his health/ current mental state. K maybe the other does influence it, but it is more so because of my concern for FWH.

Talked to his therapist and they are going to start phone sessions with him to help move this along.

Learned yesterday from SIL that she has her own suspicions that my elder brother is involved in a A. She revealed text messages she found. FWH and elder brother were away for a week vacation with ds. Recalled FWH mentioned he suspected elder brother was in A after their return. At the time I was lost in my own concerns and hurt and had since decided FWH was projecting his own indiscretions on others. Talk with DS and he confirmed that elder brother had said as much. That his father and uncle had told him straight up. Consulted board to ask if I should tell SIL what I had learned. Also call FWH to tell him–he seemed concerned in a I do not want to get involved in this manner. I ask him how he could not want to knowing the pain he has cause me in the kids. Reminding him of my SIL and their kids. Also told him that OW for my brother is also married with a family. He agreed reluctantly and offered to call brother to talk with. Was advice by board member to tell elder brother or SIL and went with SIL when she called me again that evening crying. I have also directed her to the board. We are now both speculating if they exchanged stories while on vacation in front of my DS. Not sure if this is not a bad thing--keeping this--reminder and triggers going with my SIL but she deserves support as she was and has been there for me.

This morning I think we had a break through, FWH called and actually ask me to forgive him. Until he did it never occurred to me that he had not ask me to do this, yet. I had freely volunteered to do this but he had not ask so I am hoping this is a good sign?

K that is it for now. Hope you do not all mind me posting. This place is helping me to keep my sanity. I will always regret that I did not have enough wits about me to look for this when he ask me for the separation. Off to deal with T-day preps. Want to make this special for FWH. Its going to be a first in our lives since our first year of marriage when we were stationed in Korea ( he was in the Army) wherein we are going to alone with just the kids. Am so looking forward to this, one of my emotional needs albeit low on the list is not to have to be-as in required to be responsible for every holiday as I have in years past since my mother’s death. 25+ people is a lot to deal with. Not that I do not love them but its hard to take it all on and brings me very little pleasure doing the holidays with so much to do. & yes, I have a hard time saying no so I end up doing it all and am in part responsible for this. Decided that this is where I am at. “a work in progress”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Consider yourselves hugged,