Hi All,

Well, XWH and I have been in recovery for 8 months. He is doing everything right to make it up to me. NC has been established for over 13 months, even though I found out about A with employee in May.

The story is long and complicated like most.
My H had an affair with his employee ( a porn queen) soon after I lost a baby and almost my life to an ectopic rupture. H went through some type of mid life (purchased a corvette ect...).

Anyhow, he broke it off (after 6 months) when I started poking around. I never discovered the truth until 14 months later. The employee had already left (because she said I was sick and she felt guilty...I have a tumour. H says it was long over before that and she left because he no longer wanted anything to do with her.)

Sorry for babbling. My question is this. Yesterday, I was chatting with a co-worker of xOW and H's. We were openly discussing what happened in my marriage. This guy was a good friend of xOW, but no longer speaks to her. He is an employee of my H's and an aquantaince.
He was telling me that...sometimes a Husband needs a 'slut in the bedroom' for a change. He said..."I don't think it's right"...and your H made a massive mistake. ect...
I was burning at the thought of his words. I pride myself very well in my bedroom life, and I'm no prude!

Anyone else feel the same? Men...comments? Thanks...

I think you can probably disregard this guy's comments. He isn't your H, therefore he doesn't know the full reasons of "why" the A took place, nor does he have knowledge of what you are like in the bedroom (I assume).

I think some guys just say some kinda dumb things when talking about personal issues, for lack of really knowing what to say.

I can see why it would burn you up, though.

First, the XOW's friend is full of...uh...prunes. Everyman wants a slut in the bedroom, a chef in the kitchen, and a princess to take to business functions, but he wants them all in the same woman. No real man wants one woman from column A, one from column B, etc. I don't know anything about your husband's affair, but I'll bet it was for the same ol' reasons all the other affairs that you see chronicled out here were for.

But second, why are you discussing what is happening/has happened in your marriage with another man? If you’ll cruise some of the other threads out here, that’s how a lot of emotional affairs and physical affairs started.

Frankly, getting you talking about a bad time with your husband is a tried and true tactic used to begin a seduction. Please don’t say no, that couldn’t be it…you’re very much in control…he’s just a friend…it was just talk…he’d never do that. I’ve heard it all before. Please read some of the heartbreaking threads out here where a woman’s (or man’s) problems began just this way. Be very careful, Angel, you don’t want to slide down that slippery slope, to use a cliché.

K I am knew here and I am not a man, but got to say only a man could say that! However, I wonder if you are not reading too much into it--or reading it from a man’s mean what I say view only. If by a “slut” he meant an adventure in the bedroom–something to excitingly deviate from the norm of in a relationship, then I agree some men do need this. However this is where good communications in a relationship needs to come in or lack of can hurt a relationship because a wife could fulfill the role of a “slut” IE play along with the adventure with a change of routine.

Sorry to hear of all that you have been through.

Be careful discussing your marriage with another man, especially one that knows there has been problems in the past. You never know if he is hoping to play his cards on those problems to see what is dealt.

Also, like it was said above, it's a dream of a lot of men's, but it's also bull! It's not something that should have been said or discussed.

Sounds more likely to me that friendly co-worker guy himself knew xOW on several levels. Or at least he wanted to.

How does he act around you?

Thanks for all your reply's. You've helped me already!

He has no knowledge of my goings in the bedroom. The reason I was speaking to this guy about it, was because he was the reason xOW and H got together (they would all meet for drinks). He outright told me xOW was nothing but a 'slut' and had no morals or values for marriage or anything else. I did have a feeling there was going on's with him and xOW as well.
I would never open myself up emotionally to another man. Especially since I'm currently pregnant with H's baby.
H is awesome with me, hugs me all night long...ect... and my heart tells me that he is truly sorry. He has followed all the rules to recovery.
What prompted me to start chatting with him about it was the fact that another ex worker msn'd me last week asking me if H and I were still together. She was a good friend of xOW. I politely answered her yes... she left the room, and I have not heard from her since. xOW has tried through several of her friends to contact my H (H has told me about all of them). The last one being two weeks ago. He told the friend that I was expecting and that this baby was not an 'accident'.
I'm babbling again...sorry...

I was just frustrated with someone thinking that my H would have an A because I was a prude in bed! Argh!!!!!!!

Pure Angel,

Well I am no expert in how men think at all, but I believe that many, my FWH included, initially believe that the A is totally about SF. That is what makes sense for them. Sex drives their train so to speak and it is something easy for them to reach out for that is a lot more "manly" that merely wanting admiration and affection from someone other than their spouse.

I may be completed off the mark here, but I believe that most affairs, including PA's are not really about SF.

Angel I was the one that posted an “adventure in the bedroom”. And no way was it my intent to imply you’re a prude and reason for H's A. I was considering that man’s opinion/ statement- of some men wanting/ needing slut in bed in less literal form. A common fantasy as someone posted of many men.

I can understand your interest in the man’s opinion, as the OW would appear to have been putting feelers out. And before warned is before armed. Congrats on your pregnancy and the recovery and goodness in your relationship.

Sleepless,
Oh...no...I wasn't refering to your post at all. I was referring to the guy I was speaking to yesterday. I guess it's sore spot for me.
He was saying: " A man makes a woman a mother, then has trouble being 'all there' with her, because she's the mother of his children...ect..." I was thinking to myself...ummm...when we close the door at night, I turn into someone I don't even recognize LOL...so where the H is he coming from.
I was just insulted...and wanted some feedback from others who have been there.

Thanks and much hugs to all of you!

Angel,

Whew! Glad to hear that, was concerned I had offended. I do not blame you for the insult--I think I would be angry at the man's association period in the knowledge that he intro them. & I also understand you using what ever inside info you can to fortify your defense of your recovery.

Hugs

Many men do not see their wives as "sluts." IN their mind, they do not want to marry a "slut." Also, if there are children either in the marriage or on the way, there is a mental image of "motherhood" that can interfer with their more erotic fantasies.

Now it is that a porn star would be comfortable in playing the slut. That may have been the reference mark for the guy you were talking to who may not have any reference point at all with your husband, just his own mental images.

Likely this is something that should be ignored.

//Larry