My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. Of those 9 years, we have been married for a little over one year now. I love him, but I am not IN love with him. I don't have the passion for him that I know I need to have in a relationship. When he finally asked me to marry him, I had lots of doughts, but people kept telling me that is good you just want to make sure it works. I thought well I need to give it a try. We never had sex before our marriage, so I thought that that might have something to do with it. Well I just kept doing my day to day things, covering up, masking my feelings. Well things are not different. I don't have any feelings when we have sex. It's just my body. He knows that I don't get anything out of sex, but he doesn't really know that I am not IN love. How do I go about telling him? Can anyone shed some light on my situation, any advise wisdome would be greatly appreciated.

Hey MissingSomething,

Your problem of feeling "in-love" with him is do to the simple fact that he does not meet your most important emotional needs. Dr. Harley breaks them down into 10 categories: Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty & Openness, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family Commitment, and Admiration.

It may be entirely possible that you don't even know what your top emotional needs are either. You would do well to learn about what this website teaches in regards to identifying which emotional needs are most important to you. There is even a questionnaire designed to help you identify them.

I really believe you can fall in love with anyone that you find attractive and likewise cause another to fall in love with you simply by meeting each others most important emotional needs. It may sound simple, but when I reflect on my past relationships of how love developed and died, it is all very clear now. Dr. Harley suggests that we need to spend at least 15 hours per week meeting these emotional needs for each other to maintain that positive feeling of love.

On another note, from my own experience, I will say: Don't mistake the feeling of "in-love" with that initial feeling of "newness" that every relationship has. That newness (butterflies in the stomach or excitement) is just an initial passion that is there and will dicipate over time. To maintain "newness" in a relationship is not possible without introducing other problems.

Forums can be helpful, but there is a wealth of knowledge contained on this website that I would encourage you to explore on your own if you haven't already.

I would start here if I were you:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Of those 9 years, we have been married for a little over one year
I'm confused. Why didn't you get married 5/6/7 years ago?

I don't have the passion for him that I know I need to have in a relationship.
You don't have "the passion" you know you need?
How do you know if you've never had it with him and you've been with him for 9 years?

When he finally asked me to marry him, I had lots of doughts
Again, I'm confused. If you stayed with him for 8 years before you got married, why would you have ANY doubts?

We never had sex before our marriage,
What kept you together for 8 years?
What did he do for you in the relationship & what did you do for him?

Chris CA,
The answer to your above ?'s
1.) We are from different religous backgrounds and he wanted to make his parents feel comfortable.

2.) I know that two people should have this emotional physical connection, I see it with other couples. My connection is not there. I don't know if this truly answers your question, it's really hard to explain.

3.) I had dought that it wouldn't work, I mean these days you have to go into knowing that you have a 50/50 chance. I wanted to make sure it was right. At that point I thought it was, but then we did have that total physical connection yet. I knew that I couldn't just give up. I needed to give it a try.

4.) What kept us together, good question and this is going to sound bad, but comfort. I really don't know how to answer the rest of this question. It's a hard one.

Thanks again for your feedback.

Every relationship is going to have it's up & downs. Marriage is about making a commmitment to working through all thetough times and enjoying the good times that much more.
You get married and going into it, you decide that you WILL make is work and stick it out if it gets a little (or a lot) rough. "In sickness & in health, richer or poorer" is said for a reason. Commitment.

If you have been with him for 9 years and are not sure if he is right, then either;
- He is not right
- You are expecting "sign" or some miracle to show you it is right.

He has been right for you for the last 9 years, why the thoughts now?