I posted this elsewhere and decided it might need its own thread. Someone wrote, that virtue isn't virtue untill it's tested. (Loose translation) I thought there was a lot of wisdom in that and it brings me to my question. How many of you that have been betrayed, have ever been tempted to have an affair? I'm not speaking of flirtation. We all experience that from time to time. I'm curious to know if there is anyone that has come really close, been on the edge and almost ready to jump, but wised up and ran. How did you do it? <BR>When I ended my affair, I was so ready to clear my conscience that it seemed like I confessed to anyone that would listen. And the amazing thing to me was that most of the women that I told, confessed to me that at one point or another in their lives, they too had cheated in one form or another. Many told of emotional involvments with men other than their H's. I was shocked for I truly thought I was the only one who had sunk so low. So I know that the temptation is out there, all over the place. What advice can you give to me that will cause me to stop and think before I actnext time? I'd love to say, that I will NEVER EVER do this again. That I will never wound my husband like this. But that's naive. There are no guarantees and I know that our marriage won't always be smooth. And I know that I will be approached by handsome, smooth, charming men. What's the secret? What keeps the tempted from becoming cheaters? I knew all about the consequences if I were caught. That wasn't enough to deter me. The allure of the forbidden was too great. Any comments?

About 2 years ago, my needs weren't being met, and my husband and I weren't getting along. I was very saddened by moving to MN from CA where my family is. Very lonely. In a tough job with lots of stress. <P>I was working with a group of volunteers, and one of the volunteers was a Pastor. He was very kind and nice. I felt vibes that I felt were dangerous. I avoided him, and told my husband about the situation. I think if I would not have recognized those vibes, and saw danger - I would have, at the least had an emotional affair.<P>I think any time we get so close to another person that we start thinking about them too often, we need to put up those red flags and stop.<P>I think for my husband, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time - and unhappy at home. <P>

Marriage is a combination of commitment and constraint.<P>If your commitment level slips to a low, then it's a good idea to have a high constraint level.<P>One idea is to be recognize your feelings, but act on your convictions...no matter what.<P>I say this with humility, and feel superior to no one. I can truly say that although I had the opportunity with a few so so and one very attractive man, I was always repulsed by their advances...never attracted. The attractive man was during a time when my H was going to school and working full time plus living away from home because of special assignment for eight months...and no he was distracted, a bit depressed and my needs were certainly not being met. I was working full time and raising two small children. <P>I believe I have been blessed with a strong set of internal constraints. I believe they are something that can be developed by really thinking about what kind of person you want to be and what values you hold and then recognize a test and go with your values rather than your feelings.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you both for your honesty. Another question... do you feel that a person is at a disadvantage when their mother, aunts, unlces and grandparents have ALL had affairs? Not an excuse, I know we all choose what we do, but is there something genetic that would influence a person to cheat? I was not raised with these people, only recently met them....

Socially, having family members that cheat and have accepting cheating, I think it would be safe to say that it could (but not always) make a person more likely to have an affair.<P>Spiritually, it could be a family curse that needs to be broken. Could be a Spirit of Lust or Whoredom. <P>These are my PERSONAL opinions.

Ok - ouch to the whoredom comment, but I think I see what you're getting at, and it is an interesting theory, one that I will give consideration to. I was very shocked to find that my whole "family" behaved that way. Incidently , I met them after my affair ended so I wasn't influenced by them.

I do think we are more likely to be tempted by somethings more than others based on our personality, culture, vunerabilities and experiences in our past.<P>That's why I am humble, but feel strongly that I am not tempted by infidelity. <P>Thankfully I have not stumbled accross something I am particularly vunerable too except Almond M & M's...yum. I believe that is by the grace of God and who knows what tomorrow brings.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Your attitude is great. I am the most tempted in this area. (Almond M&M's are a close second!) Not really the area of "having to cheat" but I have always "needed" the approval or the admiration of men, and have a hard time saying no to them. I was even afraid to get married because of this weakness. But I thought that because I was such a "moral" person that I'd never fall. I thought I was above that. What a laugh! All of the responses so far have been great. Thanks.

So would it follow that if you figured out your need for male approval and why that includes sexual approval, or maybe what triggers your need for approval, you could more easily modify your behavior so that it is consistant with your values?<P>Figuring out the problem is a long way to a solution.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Yes, that would stand to reason. However that is easier said than done. I'm taking various steps to make sure that this doesn't happen again. Bottom line is that what I did is SIN. Plain and simple, no excuse. I just want to see what other people, when faced with the temptation, have done to avoid it. Plus I was curious to know if it was easier for those who have been tempted to forgive the one that betrayed, or if that made it harder since they themselves withstood the trial.

Now that's a great question.<P>I don't think I had a problem with forgiveness...maybe because my Christian school education taught me all about forgiveness..in fact we confess that we are sinners in our church every week and forgiveness is announced...so forgiveness was relatively easy.<P>What was hard, and I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet is to restore my H to the status of a man of integrity in my mind. I mean I want to, but it is difficult I think because although my head is doing a pretty good job, my heart does not really understand how he could do that.<P>Now I have no problem seeing you as a woman of integrity because it is not so personal. So I'm sure I mean to with my H, but I just can not get there completely.<P>I admire you honesty and your courage. It is not easy to sa we are just plain wrong...period. My H says he was wrong too, by the way. <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sorina,<P>I wasn't trying to give you an ouch. It's just something I learned through a "spiritual healing" session I went through. It was a rough ordeal - kinda like "casting out demons?" - but not that gruesome, really. It was identifying the sins of our family and renouncing them - to break the cycles in a spiritual sense. My husband has that curse in his family. And I have an opinion that this curse is something he fights with regularly. It's like a demon that follows and pesters non-stop. I guess you'd have to be there to understand. It wasn't a judgement call on anybody, that is why I added the word personal in my reply.<P>You raise some very very good questions. Is it easier to forgive if you've been tempted and withstood the temptation.....<P>Hmmmm. I don't think forgiveness is ever easy. And I don't think that it is harder to forgive because you've withstood the temptation. Sometimes you just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.<P>I would like to think that I wouldn't have cheated if given the opportunity when we were separated - or when my husband is out of town, or whatever. But I really don't know, because I haven't had that strong of an opportunity. I can't say I'm any better than anyone else in that area, I'm just thankful that it hasn't happened to me.<P>I would like to say that I would always choose my convictions over the temptation. But who knows? Judge not lest ye be judged also, in the same manner.<P>I also had a very sheltered and Christian upbringing. I don't know if that really insulated me or not, but I do think that I happen to operate off of "inner constraints" rather than external influences.<P>TNT

I was tempted by a co-worker. This occurred shortly before and just after my first discovery of H's affair. He worked in the department next to mine and we saw each other in passing everyday. Of course, the initial attraction was physical. Somehow, he managed to start making contact w/me, almost daily. Not flirtation, but a sort of "look". We would make small talk at the copier, cafeteria, working late, etc. Like many betrayers, I found myself attracted to him, thinking about him.<P>At the time, I was not aware of H's affair, but obviously something was wrong in the marriage. It was during this time that I attended a stress management seminar because I was losing control...I was overwhelmed with work, family, etc. (Its funny that the counselor who gave the seminar is also the counselor I spoke w/on the crisis line and assigned to me when I discovered H's affair!)<P>I must admit that I enjoyed co-workers attention (that "look")and his personality, but my conscience spoke to me when he asked me out. I told him I didn't think it would be a good thing to do. The way he proposed it was such that it could have been considered an "after-work" thing w/a co-worker. (I worked in a male-oriented field, so this is not unusual)But I was pretty certain, at least from my standpoint, that it would have been more. At the same time, I did not want to offend him if he was, in fact, just being friendly.<P>A couple of weeks later, I discovered H's affair and ended up taking off 2-3 weeks to deal w/my depression. When I came back, I was a walking zombie. Revenge affair definitely cross my mind. I don't know if I was too spaced out to realize what I may have been doing, but I swear co-worker started to pour it on thicker. Part of me wanted to run and hide, the other part of me wanted to puke. I finally told him that this cannot happen. <P>I think for me, suffering through the discovery of a betrayal at the same time of this "attraction" helped me to make the conscious decision to not get involved. And to also believe that I will NEVER get involved. I know the pain that it causes, and fortunately for me, it hit at the right time to help me make the right decision.<P>So I do understand how these things can happen. It could have happened for me. When I came to the decision point of crossing the line, my conscious made me say no.<P>I know I got long-winded, but I hope it helps.

Sorrina-<BR>Also wanted to add that me and H's family "unit" experience has had some effect on the values that we have developed about marriage and family. In my case, my parents are still married after 40 years together. My H's parents divorced when he was 7 or 8. I believe strongly in sticking it out. He has told me, more than once, that he was taught that if its not working, get out.<P>Most of my family has not divorced, all of his has. So, our values are in conflict.

Enlightened,<P>I was the first and only in my immediate family to be divorced. I still feel like somewhat of a failure, and I have been remarried over 9 years.<P>My parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in March. <P>My husband's family all cheat, every time the chips are down. FIL has been married to MIL for 45 years. He still cheats and brags about it to anyone who will listen. He also told his sons that if he was a female, he'd be rich. I believe it.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 28, 1999).]

TNT-<P>Divorce certainly doesn't make you a failure. I do understand, however, how this can be a contradiction to what you were used to w/regard to marriage.<P>I'm certain that arriving at the decision to divorce was difficult. It took me years to give myself "permission" to even sincerely consider it. <P>As opposed to my H, he saw all the adults and now his own sibling divorce. I seems that even the "consideration" comes much easier for him than I. Ironically, although he says this and has been taught this, he has cheated 3 times and we have never separated. He never wanted to nor never did leave. Go figure.

Cheating runs in my family but I have never<BR> cheated on my husband.My mom and dad cheated with each other and my sis and her husband too.I guess maybe thats why I havent,<BR> I saw what it did to my half brother and sister.I feel real guilty that I grew up with<BR> two parents and they didnt,They were the weekend visitors, my brother, he hated it,<BR> neither one of them has much to do with us now and it hurts but I do understand.My husband ,now, his mom and dad have been married close to 50 years and theres been no cheating that I know of.It might be hard for me to forgive him because he knew how strongly I felt about it, he knew thats the one thing I told him would end our marriage,<BR> Thats why I told him to leave when I found out . I can understand how these things happen, just didnt understand how they could<BR> happen to me.