Ark, should i really be concerned about this or does a set back or two make no difference in my plan?

I think i need another talking to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I’m sure. I lost it. I told him to grow up and start acting like a man and a father........that how sad it is to know that DS can be replaced so easily by some wh*re and I just hung up on him.

hee-hee...

You know what kills me about this as well...is women or men ie OP who somehow get all warm and fuzzy inside over a BS that easily abandons children..

its a huge reflection on them as well as the WS....

use that in strengthening yourself....
who would want a man that doesnt put their children first...
in this type of scenario....

so what if you lost it a little...
so what....

I guess the best advice I can think of is instead of attacking the OP...though very understandable...

attack the bigger picture...

he says
Im not coming on this holiday....

you say...
geez thats just sad isnt it....our child is going to grow being one that has to split holidays...celebrations will be twisted in meaning and made to fit the schedule of grownups...

always visiting someone ...
never a home with his parents there...

isnt that a sad that this will be all that he knows...

change your language to give glimpses of the reality...
include yourself in the package....
but never ever ever deny the harsh realities of his choices...

you could also consider being busy just for this night..
last minute invite somewhere so you two will be heading out...

shame he couldnt have made it last night....

change your words....

he believes that you and everyone will accept and support the actions of someone who while they can claim all they want they arent daddy/marriage material all they want till the cows come home..

it is far far removed from the truth....

he chooses this path....
he chooses it alone....

and people that are attracted to people who choose this path are sorely lacking in honor as well...

you sound great
and you are correct you are blessed with that cutie...
enjoy enjoy enjoy enjoy....

ark

Ark thank you. I'll keep that in mind for next time.

I know that when you’re in plan a you give and do without expecting any response from WH......I completely understand that but it truly hurt me that after the snow storm WH didn’t call to help us out or check to see if we needed anything. WH or not...........it’s the humane thing to do. Now add that on top of canceling on Tuesday to be with OP instead of DS THAT really hurt.

I refuse to speak to WH until I calm down that means he will not be seeing DS also. I don’t know but I might be going about this totally wrong right before I go into plan b but why should we be “there” for him only when he WANTS to. WH has been calling several times a day but never leaves messages....this is something new when we were living together any time he called he always left a message....now he refuses. So he finally left a message today. Asking me to call him back so that he can find out when he can visit DS, he also wants to tell me about the baby his brother just had.......nobody knew the gender of the baby and to tell me that my other BIL and his family wants to visit DS. Great. Is this the way it’s going to be one family member is going to come by once a month to visit DS. I really don’t feel like seeing none of them.......it hurts me. They all come and act as if nothing has happened........nobody wants to acknowledge the big elephant in my living room.

Am I in the wrong for not taking his calls and keeping him from seeing DS this week? I’m hurt and I hurt for DS.......how dare he cancel on him for OP......anything else I would have understood but NOT for OW. I know I’ve made changes within myself because the old “me” wouldn’t have given this all this a second thought. Heck if this would have happened before DS was born I would never have gone through the lengths I’m going through now but I’m trying for him because he deserves his family.

Any advise, please. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to act anymore.

An update on my stich.

Nothing has happened with WH and I except for the fact that I no longer care what happens with our marriage. After valentine’s day when WH canceled on us, I have had very little communication with him because I couldn’t plan a him from the point forward. I wanted to go into plan b at that time but was waiting to hear from SH’s input on my PBL. I finalized it and was ready to go into plan b last week but didn’t see WH all week so I had planned on giving it to him this week.

WH just called and was telling me that he wanted to spend more time with DS and he wanted to take us out to dinner since I won’t let him take DS alone. I told him that I don’t want him to take our son because I didn’t want my son around people who lie and don’t have any morals. And the conversation went from there. I tried not to LB or use any DJ but tried to let him know the reality and the consequences of his choices.. He told me not to put our son in the middle of our marital problems......that just because he didn’t want to be with a woman he didn’t care for doesn’t mean he didn’t love his son. OUCH—that really hurt. I couldn’t talk after that I told him that when he finds my H, the man I married, to let me know and hung up on him.

I don’t think that plan a is supposed to end on this note but I can’t do this any more. He has killed any love I have left for him. I’m ready to move on—nothing can be worse than all the h*** I’ve been put through. I no longer want this marriage. When he comes over tomorrow night and get ready to leave, I will hand him the PBL...........I can’t wait. I need this so bad for my own sanity........before I go crazy and I haven’t already.

WH cancelled again on DS last week. So tonight will be the day that i give him the PBL. I'm so looking forward to it it.......i'm surprised at myself for having this kind of reaction but i can't take it any more. I can't wait to get away from the drama and the in your face disrespect. I might not feel like this tomorrow but i have to do this because i'm getting to the point where i hate him.

I want to thank everyone who helped me get to this point. I never thought i would get to the place where i am at today but i now know more than ever that DS and i will be fine without WH. I am not afraid to be alone anymore....it's a great feeling.

My goal..........to continue healing.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I’m officially in plan b. I gave him the PBL Tuesday night. I slipped it between his mail and handed it to him before he left. I looked him in the eyes, smiled and told him to take care of himself. I cried after he left because I know that this chapter of my life is coming to a close.

I expected WH to respect my wishes and not contact me just because he’s the type of person to follow through on things, but to my surprise I got a piece of mail from him on Saturday. Before, I asked him to mail me the child support payments and he always refused so in the PBL I asked him to give it to my mom. What does he do.......................he mails me the payment when he could’ve held on to it because he’s visiting with DS on Tuesday any ways.

Then i realized there’s a note attached

“I will be out of New York for about a week. Give DS hugs and kisses from daddy. I will see him on Tuesdays like you said. Tell DS that daddy loves him. Please do not cash check # until such date. Take care.”

I was livid when I read this. WHY? First of all why did he have to tell me he’s out of town? He mailed the letter on Friday, says he’s out of town for a week but will be here to see DS on Tuesday? So why did you have to tell me you’re out of town....which I don’t believe for a minute????? What is that about? Then, he NEVER wanted to mail the check now you do so and post date it??????????????????

I’m enjoying the peace the plan b gives you..............away from all the drama. I know I waited too long to do plan b but I’m glad I’m finally here.

devastednewmom...
is going to need new moniker...

something strong
something brave
something befitting of her

I for one can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK

Thank you Ark.

You have helped me more than you will ever know.

Any suggestions for my new name????? 4 EVER N ARKS DEBT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Any suggestions for my new name????? 4 EVER N ARKS DEBT

dont' you dare... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

it's too risky..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(I have a new reputation round these parts to upkeep.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)
ARK

I need help.

I have been in plan b for a month now. WH made no contact until 2 weeks ago when he sent me a picture of DS via cell phone.

Then a couple of days later send me a text message asking how was DS and to tell DS that daddy sends him hugs and kisses. He's been coming to see DS on his scheduled vists but doesn't call my mom, who takes care of DS, to find out how he is during the entire week.

Then he leaves me a voice mail asking about DS upcoming birthday party. I've been completely dark up until yesterday when he showed up in my house unexpected.

Early in the morning, he rings my bell and i ignored him. he just stood there for about 5 min. ringing my bell and wouldn't go away. Then he calls and leaves a message saying to please let him in. That he has something he wants to give me for mothers day and that he doesn't have to come in if i don't want to.

So, i go to the door and let him in. He gives me a big bouquet of flowers and wishes me a happy mother's day. He asks if he can see DS for a few min. I say yes but you will have to leave shortly as we are getting ready to leave soon. After a few min. i tell him that he has to leave so that we can get ready and he says he'll stay and watch DS while i get ready. At first i thought no way and then i thought better of it and said yes. Let me make it safe and see if he has something he wants to say to me. I was making coffee for myself and i offered him and he accepted. I took advantage of the opportunity that he was there and made sure i looked hot.

When i told him it was time to go he looked sad. When he first walked through the door he was beaming but as he left he looked troubled. I don't know if it was a mistaking letting him in and breaking plan b but he was not going to leave.

What now?

DS first birthday party is a few weeks away. How should i act when i see him there. I am totally confused? Should i ignore him or am i pleasant and flirtous?

Help...................

Well Plan B means no contact, except for matters involving children or finances. I think you did fine in having him in for coffee. Now go dark again.

When you see him at the BD party, I would be calm and cool.

who told him you were throwing a party...

and why would he think he is invited...

can't he throw his own par-tay ??

I'm serious...who invited him.....

Believer,

I know plan b means NO contact but seriously there was nothing i could do. He wouldn't leave. I regret letting him in though. I should of taken the flowers and left him standing at the door. Better, yet i shouldn't have accepted the flowers but then again i thought that maybe he wanted to tell me something.....obviously i was wrong.

Ark,

Back when i was in plan a, i had booked the place and it was too expensive so i asked if he would give me half for the party. But i never thought of not inviting him. He can't have his own par-tay because i don't let him take DS anywhere....i don't trust him that he won't expose DS to any of these women.

I shouldn't have invited him.............now i'm thoroughly confused. I thought for such occassions, i was supposed to set my feelings aside and do this for DS sake. I don't know what to do.

Now how do i act with him around?

One other thing, he left me a voice mail again last night. Do i text him back and tell him not to contact me until he meets pbl conditions or do i just ignore it. I think he thinks because he gave me flowers now we're friends again.

For the record, I am very dark again.

ignore the text

surround yourself with family at the party..make arrangements post parties to be somewhere else with cutie pie....

sorry dear we are all going over to suzies house for more cake icecream and SANGRIA....



leave with your friends and family..
thank him for coming

leave him there alone
wondering how in the he## he got himself to a place that he celebrates in own sons FIRST birthday as nothing more than a guest....

refuse help carrying things...say no thanks ....________ is helping....

hand him another copy of the letter...

and slurp up that baby....one year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUN FUN FUN FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Warning, a bit long.

Today's was DS' first birthday and we had a blast. We had a couple of relatives and friends over for cake......i can't believe my little boy is now a toddler. It seemed like only yesterday i was holding him in the palm of my hands.

WH calls my mom yesterday to confirm that he's coming over today for his usual visit and my mom says that we have to cancel because i had made plans to be with DS on his birthday. He got upset and left me a message saying that it wasn't right that on his day i wanted to be with DS (now mind you, he's canceled plenty of times before with a bunch of fake excuses but now it wasn't fair that i was canceling on him...hmmmmm). That he had made plans to come over with a cake and take pictures of DS (he wanted to play happy family). He left several messages where he was obviously pissed off at me and then when he saw that wasn't working, he called again and left a sweet message, begging to let him see DS today.....i ignored all messages.

In the morning he calls and leaves a message wishing DS a happy birthday. He calls again and leaves another message saying that he wants to see DS today....i text message him and told him that i was sorry but that we had plans for the day. WS text me back and says that he wants to talk to DS over the phone. I pick up the phone and put DS on the line (like DS can talk). When he's finished i tell him to have a good nite and he asks where are we. i said out. he says where at. i say out....i gotta go bye.

I come home and there's a message from his sister wishing DS a happy birthday and that she'll see us on Saturday. DS birthday party is on Saturday and i had originally planned on inviting her but after much thought i decided against it because ever since christmas, she has never called. WH invited her. I don't know what to do because i don't want her there. The whole family has made it pretty clear that they want nothing to do with us. It's a day a want to enjoy with loved ones...well except WH. But, i think WH wants her there so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I want him to feel UNCOMFORTABLE.

My first reaction when i heard the message was to call him and unvite him...see i still haven't given him the address..but i'm not sure what to do. I need advise. How should i handle this? How dare he invite her and how dare she come to a party that i haven't invited her too. I feel like not inviting WH now.....he's lucky he got invited himself. Should i call her and tell her as graciously as i can that she's not welcomed or do i do what i really want to do not invite neither of them?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any advice as to what i should do? PLEASE.........

here's what I'd do....

not say a word prior to him and her coming...

let him bring her...

then go ahead and have your family friends gather the wagons round eachother...so that while you don't ignore...it's really just those two....on the fringes ...

and you and your family and DS friends in the mix of things....

SAY to your SIL...I must say I was surprised to hear you were coming since you haven't shown any interest in us since Christmas time....

say it with a smile...
and walk away.....

let him feel uncomfortable WITH his sister there....

If you bring it up prior to they will use it like fodder for the drama....

be gracious
treat them like guests.....
the path he has choosing...dating girls....so that he can be a guest at his own sons birthday....

what a great thing to accomplish...sheeesh..

I was just thinking about you yesterday....

Is he calling often....
is he trying to talk to you often

ARK

Thank you so much Ark.

Thanks for thinking about me....that's sweet....it brought tears to my eyes. I don't know you and i value your opinion a lot.....you're a Godsend to me. Just got a new job that i love and don't have to worry about finances should WH lower/stop his payments which worried me a lot....so i've been extremely happy lately concentrating on other things besides WH.

I've been stressed with all the planning and now to throw this into the mix was just too much. I'll do just that i'll give him the address and do exactly as you said.

WH stopped calling after several attempts after Mother's Day because i ignored him. My mom said that she could tell that when he showed up for his usual visit following Mother's Day he was upset that i wasn't there.....i guess he thought he would buy me with flowers. And he sent me a pic of DS after that also.....which i didn't respond to. Yesterday after he spoke to DS, i took the phone and wished him a good nite and i could tell by the sound of his voice that he was surprised to hear from me and he wanted to keep talking but i cut him off.....told him we were busy and had to go.

I don't know if plan b is working on him.....but it's doing wonders for me. I'm much happier not having to deal with all the drama surrounding him. I miss him dearly........but i've come to accept that this is what it is and it will never be any different with him.

Ark,

I've been thinking about what you said.....about giving him another copy of the PBL on Saturday.

I don't want to that on that day......i want it to be just about DS.........not WH.......but i want him to stop contacting me again. He keeps calling inspite of me NEVER returning his calls.

On Tuesday, WH asked my mom if i was taking DS to get a haircut before Saturday (DS has a head full of long hair which gets in his eyes). My mom told him that i was taking DS to get his first hair cut today. Last night, WH calls and leaves me a message saying that he would like to accompany me to DS's first hair cut......i didn't respond. Early this morning, he calls again and leaves another message saying for me to give him a call because he wants to join us tonight.

Being that i don't want to give him another copy of the PBL, will it be ok if i text him back and tell him to re-read the letter or to contact me when he's ready to commit to this marriage or would i be breaking plan b. Would the more appropriate route be me telling my mom to rely the message about not contacting me..............