D-day was almost a year ago and I still can’t get over the A. She has done everything required from a FWW regarding recovery, but I still can’t get over the A. She’s gone to IC and made tremendous progress, but I still can’t get over the A. She loves me unconditionally... but I can't get over the A.

It still irks me when I think about how she would get ready to go out and see OM that she would laugh on the inside at me. OK, she wouldn’t really laugh, but that’s just how I feel. She would come back from her “getaway” with OM acting like nothing ever happened. Still irks me.

Her IC (all three of them) have said the same thing; women that have experienced her past along with sexual abuse commonly repress their feelings which is why they don’t have as much guilt while in the middle of an A.

[censored]!!! It’s not about guilt… it’s about knowing the difference between right and wrong. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she would go out to see OM. She knew what she was doing when they were having sex. The proof is that she kept it hidden and that alone is enough to say that she knew what she was doing was wrong.

I cannot look at her anymore knowing that she chose to have the A knowing it was wrong. When she was with him; laughing, crying, playing, or whatever, she still knew what she was doing. Now I’m supposed to find a way to get over this and I can’t find a way to forgive or let it go.

The papers are being served tomorrow and she has no idea. Well, now it’s time for her D-day. Just this time the “D” means something else.

Hi, LittleBob.

I am sorry for your pain.

I hope that there are no children involved.

Please keep us apprised of your progress.

All the best,
Gimble

littlebob...

Peace to you and your spouse....

my heart breaks to read this...

both sides...

you say she knew right from wrong....and she does...but if she has a significant abuse from the past which you allude to...and if it happened during formative years...that thought is confusing to her...

for surely those that abused "knew" it was wrong....

our brains are capable of powerful seperation of our actions and their effects....

you are blessed to have even had a year of someone willing to the work....
some would give anything for that year....

you can not divorce the need to forgive...that is with you...and you will need to wrestle that one no matter your marital status...

I do wish you both peace....
and i mean you know malice...
but your post makes me very sad..
for you and for her.....

ark

Know what Bob? All of these things passed before my mind's eye too. Over and over, and over. No one on earth would have ever believed that my Wife could have done what she did....least of all, me. Crushed and devastated hardly describes what I felt.

When I (finally) found MB (way later than I wished I had), one thing hit me really hard. The introspection part of Plan A, and improving myself as a marriage partner. After some serious and very brutally honest self examination, thinking of a few clandestine nights at the strip clubs, a few flirtatious nights blurring boundaries, but not to the extent of an affair, years of making either work, or fishing or golfing my "mistress" of the day, and so on (you get my point), I realized my W could have written a post just like yours. On many occasions.

The difference was that she had an A with an OM outside of the marriage. I had a few "affairs" of my own with fishing trips, golfing, or other "hobby of the day", where I did NOT make my wife the most important part of my life. I was flawed, very much so.

I guess my point here is this. My FWW forgave me for far more more things, perhaps not as traumatic as an affair, than I have ever had to forgive her for, including the affair. Forgiving her for the affair was the VERY LEAST I could do.

Your FWW is doing EVERYTHING she should be doing to give your marriage a chance. Most BS here would pay a king's ransom for such a "gift".

Please be sure, absolutely sure that your own contributions to the marriage have been on such an extraordinary level, that your wife does not deserve more time and effort from you in forgiving her sin.

You may be giving up more than you think...

Just thoughts for your consideration...

Best wishes,
SD

SD,

That's Gold. Let him without sin cast the first stone.

Hey, my wife should not have had an affair and she does take responsibility for it. But I should have been more attentive to her needs and I would not find myself at this point now.

Almost everyone interviewed years after a D says in retrospect they wish they had done a lot more to reconcile. The survey I read includes BS who initiate the D. They almost all later regret their decision to D.

I feel for you lbob. I hope you are making the right decision for you and for your children. Two years from DDay 2 and I sometimes still feel the same way as you do right now. I thought I had processed all that getting even, anger and utter despair. I guess I need even more time. After all, FWW’s LTA alone lasted most of our M, so I guess I still need more time.

No matter what, you still need to process your anger. You will carry that into your next relationships as a really heavy load of baggage. If you will not forgive, you yourself will be vulnerable to an A in the end.

It’s your FWW’s A that makes me the saddest – much more so than your decision to D. Unlike the other posters I do not wish to heap any guilt upon you whatever. But I do ask a question of you: Is your FWW’s A the real cause of your inability to forgive her?

With prayers,

Added: lbob certainly has not cast any stones. Quite the opposite, he gives his FWW all sorts of credit. He simply states he cannot get over it. What was that comment for, anyway? More guilt laying?

Hi, BK.

Quote:
========================
Let him without sin cast the first stone.
========================

I think that LittleBob has every right in the world to decide that he wants out of his marriage.

Yes, he likely contributed to the state of his marriage right up to the point the affair started, and some after, but she chose to have the affair. He is choosing to divorce her.

I am certain that she is sorry for getting caught and possibly for the affair itself.

I am certain that LittleBob will have some regrets and some growing up to do later on down the road. He will certainly have to deal with his anger.

I am also certain that some people simply can't live with the choices their spouses make.

LittleBob has made his decision. I respect it.

Gimble

Lbob,

""The papers are being served tomorrow and she has no idea. Well, now it’s time for her D-day. Just this time the “D” means something else.""

There seems to be much malice and some immaturity in what you have written.

So she is going to be blind sided by the D papers, and go into shock and then much pain and anquish. Kinda like you did a year ago??

So are you getting even? Going to show her how it feels??

Is it too late to stop the papers? Is this really what you want and how you want to end it?

WILL THIS HELP YOU GET OVER THE A??

k

aphelion..

I grow weary of people putting words in to my mouth...
I have no intent in heaping guilt...and if you think I have then talk to me...don't talk ABOUT ME and my intent per your opinion...

or REPORT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I offer my opinion....

if people don't want people's opinion then DON'T post here..
OR
put a huge disclaimer I AM POSTING THIS AND DON'T WANT ANYONES OPINION....

AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU SEE IT AS HEAPING GUILT IT IS MY OPINION WHETHER OR NOT THEY OR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE DIVORCES

THAT THE INABILITY TO FORGIVE GOES WITH THEM AND YOU ME HE SHE BS OP WS OR WHATEVER TITLE ONE WANTS TO ASSUME THAT THE INABILITY TO FORGIVE IS AN ISSUE WORTH WORKING THROUGH ...AND EXCISING FROM THE OUTSIDE MAY NOT ALWAYS WORK ON WHAT NEEDS EXCCISED ON THE INSIDE...
BUT THAT IS ONLY MY OPINION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and NOT some asinine intent to heap guilt....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but a word of friendly advice and warning...

and I saw no where in bobs posts asking NOT for opinions!!!!!!!!!!!

truth is I don't find his decision to divorce any where near as sad as the pain he is in RIGHT now...and do not necessarily see that divorce will equal fixing the pain and hurt.....

I really am getting sick of this place...

ARK

ark - actually, I wasn't thinking of your post...sorry for being unclear.

It was not my intent to heap guilt on LBob in this difficult time, and if it came across that way, I apologize. It just seems he has had no luck in finding forgiveness for his FWW, and my post was designed to explain how I found forgiveness for my FWW, in that it might strike a positive cord w/LBob.

Best wishes,
SD

***She has done everything required from a FWW regarding recovery, but I still can’t get over the A.***

Is there anything else that *you* require?

Has she shown real remorse for her actions, or shown real compassion and empathy for what she put you through?

Is there anything at all she could do, in your wildest dreams, to make you *not* want to go through with the divorce?
Mulan

I thought I clarified it pretty well in my original post actually.

I was merely saying we all have responsibility for the state of our marriages. Not EVER excusing a WS's decision to have an affair. Purely accepting my part in the state of my marriage which facilitated the affair.

To the specific case here, Bob has said his wife has done everything a WS should do to enable recovery. I am just really sorry that he can't seem to get past it and his actions now seem punitive and vengeful. I hope at some time he will be able to let it go because being bitter and bent out of shape is no way for him to spend the rest of his life. For his sake.

You have every right to leave your wife if you feel you simply can't forget about her deceit.

You say she has done what was required of her for a year now.

Seems to me she deserves to be treated with respect.

Be a man and face her with your decision. She has EARNED that right.

Bob:

I know where you are coming from Boss.....I respect and fully understand your decision to do this.

I don't feel the need to tell you to "think about it" or ask you to "try and forgive her and reconcile"...because I take you at your word that you have thought about this and WANT THIS and ARE CHOOSING THIS.

I think this is a better decision for you if you ARE CHOOSING this based on what you want...and NOT on what your WW has done or hasn't done.

I know and feel your pain....please believe me when I tell you that "divorce" will not instantly take the pain away.....I wish it had...it doesn't...you'll eventually have to forgive your WW for this....but not for the reason you may think....you'll need to do it for yourself and for your own self preservation......

It is never a good thing when a Divorce happens....but I stand by you and support you in exercising your right to end this marriage based on your inability to "get over it". God has given you this right. I just want to make sure that you realize that a Divorce will NOT be the instant "relief" situation...

Lem

LB, I'm sorry you're in such a world of hurt.

Warning: I am the FWS, so read no further if it will disturb you.

As I read your post, it occurred to me that perhaps it is not the actual divorce that you want, but just a way to make your wife feel as shattered as you felt, and feel now.A D-day of your very own so to speak.

You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. It's not bitterness and punishment that I sense in your post, but a longing for your wife to have some measure of the pain that you feel. FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND.

And I may be wrong, but I sense love for your wife in your post. The more love, the more hurt. If your wife did not love you, she wouldn't have tried to keep your marriage together with honesty, IC, etc. Take it from me, she hurts too. Like Shattered Dreams, my husband had a whole list of hobbies and activities that he put before me for years. Decades. But ... but... but. What I did was infinitely more damaging, and I must live with that, and that means living with pain every single day.

So I'll bet you're not the only one suffering.

Take care.

LittleBob,

How about an update???

Hope you are doing OK.

Best wishes,
SD