FWH and I had a conversation last night. I am disappoined because Ihave no respect or trust in him and don;t know if I love him any more.

I was saying that I wanted us to go out more together and have some fun. He doesn;t want to. He says I have to make it attractive enough for him to want to do that. I really don't feel motiivated to.

He is talking about a trial separation to give us some perspective,but he wants to be here for the kids all the time.For me if we separate it will be under divorce conditions. I don;t want him coming over all the time and disappearing to sleep - how is that helping?

We really are at a stale mate. He is still hiding things and blames me for being intrusive and not respecting his privacy. In some ways he's right on this - He says I have no self control and shouldn;t go through his wallet etc.

I am at the point of detaching completely and just getting on with my life as 2 separate individuals.

2b

It's your wallet, too. You should have full access to him and all his things, as he should have to you and yours.

If he was honest and not cheating he wouldn't care if you looked. Keeping secrets only divide a relationship as does seperation. has he ever got in your purse for something?

It sounds if your H might still be in contact with the OW and continuing the A. Or maybe he considers contacting OW and continuing with the A... Probably that’s why he want to "trial" separate from you and have all these talks about “privacy”, his wallet etc – because he's afraid you might discover something and/or because he wants to continue with a secretive lifestyle without any “interference” from you? I would say, keep your eyes wide open and snoop around to get evidence of continues contact with the OW. The things is, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing and a person who have nothing to hide will not be so concerned about their "privacy". I agree that spouses should have full access to each others things.

Is he still having an affair?

No I don't think he is still having an affair. He says he has had no contact for over a year. Do I believe him - not 100%.

He has always been a very secretive person even before the affair. I have always been a suspicious person. Not a good mix!

He considers his privacy important.I now have to decide whether I want that type of relationship. If not then I have to move on.

Suzet - I have been doing this for 3 years now and haven't found anything since last July - but still he doens;t do the work of recovery. He thinks the issues are now mine that are stopping recovery.

He says I need to look deeper within myself and have more self control - I didn;t look through his wallet before.

He just doesn't understand that it is his secretive acts that fuel the suspicion.

Last weekend he hid something from me(don;t know what), I looked in his briefcase and found notes on an envelope with costs of a solicitor and he emailed someone at work to find out about spare rooms. He didn't tell me any of this untili found out. This is what drives me demented - he keeps everything to himself.

Is it time to give up and accept that he will always be a secretive, hide things type of person. He doesn;t even see his part in this.

r U an open book 2 him?

Is he ok if you treated him the same way?

L.

2bhappy....

There are some nice articles here on Emotional Intimacy....it does discuss that your life has to be an open book.....have a look at it....maybe your H should read it as well...

I know what you mean....my H once accused me of spying on him when I peaked into the living room to see him practicing some martial arts...I never saw him do that and I was curios...He was pissed as ******, you'd think I had followed him around or something....

Daisy

2bhappy...

you say you are at a stale mate and yet there are actions that YOU can control.....

there is a lot of stuff of in your post about if he would do this or he would change this....

which isn't going to work...it is set up for failure...and while you get part of it...he may never change...you leave out the part of your ability to change...and that changes in you MAY facilitate changes in HIM....

In some ways he's right on this - He says I have no self control and shouldn;t go through his wallet etc.

quit handing this guy a loaded weapon that does deflect from his issues.....

QUIT GOING THROUGH HIS WALLET !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

join wallet checkers annonymous.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm serious...

stop it....

make..... a pledge..I 2b here swear I will not go in to husbands wallet for 40 days no matter how bad my fingers are itching to do so.....

pick four other areas that he says he does not like ..and try to change yourself.....

try...

infact the truth is you have nothing else to lose...

I would say that the path you are is a very destructive one...

you are both powerstruggling eachother insane things....
and you will continue to blame and turn away...

and you will lose him..
the same as you will lose him if he is still being unfaithful...

so really you have NOTHING to lose by addressing this issue within and with you...first...and see where that gets you...

each time he can go down the path of you went in my wallet is how the real issues get avoided...quit handing the guy avoiding actions...

defuse
defuse
defuse..

He says I have to make it attractive enough for him to want to do that. I really don't feel motiivated to.

well if aren't motivated to make it fun it isn't going to happen and nothing will get solved...

you need to pick a time limit in which you listen to and hear all his complaints and work really hard at removing them from the picture...so that you two will have to see the real issues....

is your home a happy home...
do you make it a place he wants to come home to or does he dread coming home thinking what am I going to be interrogated about today...

if he has ended the affair do you give him credit on that where it is due..

have you read the proper care and feeding of husbands of dr laura...

do you attract your husband to you....
or do you sit and wait for him to screw up....

are you someone you would want to come home to...
these are tough tough questions..

and ones that I think eVERYONE in marriage faces now and then...and though painful it is a good thing....

NO MORE WALLET DIVING...

ARK