My situation
My W of 4 1/2 yrs wants a divorce and I think she has filed which gives me 6 months because of our child.

Married for 4 1/2 yrs on jan 1 2005 W has told me she was no longer in love with me and im a room mate. I know I have taken her for granted I have read every book to man kind. HNHN I have read LB I read. I discovered a EA full blown with a co-worker. I revealed it to family and friends. which caused alot of anger. I killed that A and she has never admitted to it and refuses to talk about it.

I have done alot of wrong things during these last seven months which caused my W I think to file for D. We have a three yr old daughter. W has refused to discuss anything during this time. I am a talker and she is not. I begged pleaded for months and it just got worst so we know that don't work. When W moved out she invited another co worker to her apt at 3:40 am and I revealed it to her the next day. W said she can do whatever she wants and all they did was had a beer and watched TV. I continued to fall apart and beg and plead again. My W when she gets angry yells calls me names breaks things and even hits. I allowed this to happen. I really love her with all my heart. About two weeks ago she started to come around we went to a hockey game together and she noticed a girls phone number in my phone and when she questioned me about it I paniced and lied about it which caused a big argument and I acted like a jerk infront of friends. When we left she started to call me names and while driving she began to hit me several times in the face and then she hit me in the head with a book I then hit her back with my hand and it made her nose bleed and she ended up with a black eye. I was devistated I have never hit anyone. I went full force to IC and my C told me I acted out of fear and danger. I still am in shock to this day. She put the guilt trip on me. I was so stupid.

What I would like to do is save this marriage. I know she has been abusive physically an mentally in the past and I know someone is going to say why do you want to stay. Because she has today acknowledge her own part in this marriage falling apart by saying I have faults I get mad easily and say mean things breaking things and hitting. I know if she has acknowledged this she understands. She asked me if I have been served yet so I guess she filed and I checked online but nothing is on the system.

We have had ups and downs in our marriage like everyone here. I have put myself in her shoes and I know now how she feels. I have told her I can see why she wants out do to me not meeting her needs. Where do I go from here. I know it seems like the end is near but I have hope still and faith. I need some help.

Wow! Your wife sounds pretty abusive. If it were a woman in the same sitch, reversed, we would be screaming at you to get out of the M. I don't know why it should not be different here. Regardless of an A, if she is physically or emotionally abusive to you I believe that puts this into a different light.

Was she abusive before all of this started??

Kim

First I would like to thankyou for reading my situation.
Yes she has always been mentally and physically abusive. When I say mentally I mean she would kill you with words. The physical stuff came in spurts like once or twice a year. I had to lie to her to protect her feelings and me from being attacked. I have allowed this to go on by not setting boundraies. She came over to drop D3 off today and kind of hung around. She asked me if I got my D papers yet.However she told me her faults I listened and what Im trying to do is validate her feelings. Better yet I am validating her feelings.

See she needs to working on herself on how to express her feelings and self. I know she is the only one who cand do that. I want to know if plan A can work even though we are seperated. I also beleive she feels that this cant be fixed for whatever reason. Meaning I think she is afraid to take the chance. A liitle more history on her is she has been on anti deppresents since I have known her when she became pregnant she stopped them and did not take them for 3yrs. she just started back on them. She was taking them for bulima. Her parents have told me they feel like they are walking on eggshells when they are around her even when she was younger. One thing is she is very stubborn but a social butterfly. I have wondered if she is bi polar.
For instance I talk to her for ten minutes last night about normal everyday stuff even a little joking and then this morning she called me at 7 am and asked why she is taking our D3 to her mothers when I live 2mins away and she is about ten mile away and she starts work at 8am and I did not have to start work until 10am but she did this in a mean way and told me I do not pull my weight with our D3. I have attempted many times to get a plan for D3 on what days to have her she refuses and calls me ignorant or useless. I have my D3 about 3-4 days a week overnight and its usually when she wants me to take her. for about a month I was working afternoons and I would pick her up at 7am and have her for the day and she would pick her up from the sitters and complain she needs a break and adult time. I would take her overnight on my days off. She has really complained about this but when we were together and she worked days and I worked afternoons it was never a problem in the past. Im on days about 16 of the 20 days a work month. I have read alot of situations and I am by far having my daughter more than any other Father. I have no problem with it. She will tell me why is D3 such a burden to you. Im about ready to take her all the time.

I don't know if she is seeing anyone at the moment. I try not to snoop anymore it drives me crazy even thought a part of me wants to know.

I would like to know if a plan is a good idea. meeting her needs I know her #1 is affection and attention but its like she wont let me meet them. I was thinking some letters and cards validating her feelings would be a good idea. W clled me about a half hour ago complaning of her menstrual cramps and I use to rub her lower back and i told her if i was wwith her I would rub her back for her. She always lets me know when she is not feeling good like she wants my attention or is it control. So any ideas would help.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. As you read here, you will soon realize that you can only control yourself. You can't force your wife to do anything. It sounds to me like she needs some psychological help.

I am quite concerned about her angry outbursts and physical abuse toward you. This kind of thing is very hard on a child. I'm hoping that she is not abusive toward your daughter.

I suggest you try Plan A, and also read up on boundaries. You need to get some.

Hey familygone,

Things are quiet around here on weekends and especially on holiday weekends. You probably will get more response tomorrow.

From what you have said, there are some things that you could do differently that I think would help. First of all: begging, pleading etc. will almost never work. I think you should stop that. Almost no woman is interested in a desparate man. The best thing would be to figure out how to cure your despare, but if you can't do that, just don't show it to your wife.

You are very fortunate indeed to have so much time with your child. I would recommend that you maximise that time. If you can become the primary caregiver for the child, there is a good chance you could win custody in a divorce. Even if you don't want a divorce, that is a good thing.

Put a call out for MortarMan (an MB member) by posting a thread with his name in the title (or editing this title to include his name). He (if I remember correctly) filed for divorce, won custody and turned the entire situation around - got both wife and children back.

In any case, a 3-year-old child is a wonderful blessing. If you can't save your marriage, saving your relationship with your child is the next best thing.

Obviously, she is having an affair of some kind. I don't know if you can "Plan A" her if she does not live with you. But you certainly can start to make yourself more attractive by elliminating the begging. Since you are still marreid, now is not the time to date or to seek out other women, but you should certainly not sit around the house waiting for your wife to return. Get busy. Do some fun things. Develop your interests and friendships. Take care of yourself. Don't always be available to her when she comes or calls.

Of course, elliminate the LB's. There is no plan in which LB's help the marriage. I'm just not sure about Plan A right now.

I noticed that you have been "together" with your wife since she was 19. What do you mean by "together"? Were you living together?

Also, you are 11 years older than she. Is she your first wife? How did you get together?

-AD

I have noticed she is very withdrawn from me and will talk to me about every day stuff but when it comes to our relationship she gets pretty angry. Like I said prior to the hockey game she was coming around and even talking about moving back home when her lease was up. She has been very emotionally abusive for sometime. I was wondering should I snoop to see if she is having an affair. I have done it before and boy does she get angry when I find stuff out. The first guy she had her EA unkown if PA has moved to another state over thanksgiving. I know that A was killed by me otherwise she would of not invited the OM over to her apt that night. Both these guys are co workers of ours and she has told me in the past that they are attractive. It makes me laugh that she has done this with people she has told me she thinks is attractive. Its like she has somthing to prove or see if she can get these guys. My W is very attractive and it really went to ****** after her breas aumentation in jan 05. These things seem to have been an evil curse. I would like to try a plan A and set up some boundaries just to help with my sanity.

I know I help create the ingrediants for her A's but I did not make her do them. I just hope to god she is not having another A. If she is i will tell everyone. The last time she told me not to tell or confront Om b/c it would create problems in the work place. I wont listen at all this time. Any more help would be great.

Let see I would like to know if a plan A would work. I cant beleive im in this situation for the last 7 months and I almost had her coming back and that fight at the hockey game and car ride home put the icing on the cake. I know I screwed up by lying about that telephone number I tried the jealousy game and I paniced. I have not been outside my marriage emotionally or physically. Everytime I have talk to another women all I ever think about is My W. I look at it as this is not over I still have a fight left in me. How I just don't know at this time. I really would like some help.

I have been told that You MortarMan have some information that might help my sitch.

bump

I would like to know if plan A would help me during my seperation. We have been seperated since july 1, 05 and I did alot of LB. She has seen a lawyer and I think she gave him a deposit. When the tough would get going she would always throw the D word at me and I would back down.

W has asked me if i have been served a couple of days ago. I check on line to see if a D has been filed with the court and as of today nothing.

We have no plan in place for our daughter we fly by the seat of our pants I get her 3-4 days a week and it seems I get her when it is convient for her. W is always telling me she needs a break from our D3 and needs adult time. W still lies to me, tells me one thing and does another.

I brought D3 to her apt and I gave her a dozen of roses with a letter that just told her a couple of statements saying I know I neglected her etc.. and I would like to bring this family back together some day and when she is ready to talk. While at her apt she was using the bathroom with the door open and asked me to get her some toilet paper she was using the bathroom if you know what I mean number 2. She has always done this with me when we lived together. We laughed a little while she was on the toilet and I walked in the bathroom and hugged and kissed her head and she asked me if I was leaving I said no. I get a little confused with her by doing such things we use to do while living together. When i did leave I grabbed her and hugged her she keeps her arms tucked in and I hug her then I kissed her forehead she allowed this. She walked away for a second and I put my arm out and pulled her into my arms again and hugged her for about 10 secs and she pulled away and I said a hug tells alot and she replied I know I jdont want it from you However she allowed me to hug her. W thanked me for the roses.

I don't think she is seeing anyone at the moment.

Should I do a plan A and no LB I have never tried to show her what she will be missing and since the fight at the hockey game she has really went into withdrawl. I would really like some help.

bUMPING MY THREAD

W just called me to tell me what D3 told her this morning. D3 was being told to pick up her legos so they could put up a christmas tree. W was on the computer and she asked D3 if she picked up her legos and D3 replied I know so we can put up the tree. Just a little cute funny story from a 3 yr old. My pointe is she is starting to do this again call me and telling me stories about D3. W stopped for a while. I want to really know if this is grounds for a plan A. some advice would help

lets bump it up

[color:"green"] The best way is to be straight forward and ask! Good luck! [/color]

Lets see today I went to the mall for a haircut and when I got there the guy who does my hair does not come in until 4pm. So I went window shopping and bought myself a braclet. W called me while I was at the mall and I missed her call b/c I did not hear the cell ring. So when i left the mall I checked my cell and seen I had missed her call. I called her back but she did not answer. I called her back again and she again did not answer. W called me back about 40 mins prior to me leaving for work and told me she seen me in the mall and called me while I was on the bottom level and she was on the uppe level. I asked how come she did not get my attention b/c she was with D3 and she replied im not going to yell for you. I would of liked to seen D3. During this phone call I could tell she was bothered by somthing and asking me alot of questions on my whearabouts and if I was going to work plus asking why I did not get my haircut. This is coming from a person who doesnt care what i do??? I called her later on b/c I was bothered by her not saying somthing to me in the mall and we could of taken D3 to see santa and when I explained this to her she said I already took her to see santa. Talk about a low blow that kind of stuff just crushes me. W then ask me so how was shopping totally bothered I said fine I bought myself a gift her reply it must be nice to have money. We both make about the same of money. This conversation seemed like she was wondering about what I was doing etc... I called her at 8pm to check on D3 and again in a bad mood replying I dont want to talk to you I said sorry to hear that and how is D3 she fine. W then tells me im a horrible provider for D3 b/c I give her eggs and ceral for breakfast, what the ****** is that and I havent bought her clothes. W just goes off on anything. I told her I care about her and she gets angry you should of cared about me when I cared about you and says goodbye and hangss up.

One thing I know is when she stessing over D3 b/c she had her all day and took her out to the store she gets crabby. Or is it she cant see the possible OM? Don't know. Plus she is crabby during the evening time. I can always tell when she is bothered and she always lashes out with an angry outburst.

I would like to know if plan is A is a good idea. I would really like some help and advice please.

Im getting a little confused b/c nobody is replying to my sitch. Plus My DD who is 3 is telling me she had dinner with a guy from my wifes work. The problem is where DD goes while we are both at work a little boy has the same name. This guy she is talking about is married with one small child and one on the way. I sure hope this is not the case. I need some help.

Do a plan A. Your wife is using fog babble with her angry replies to you. Sorry you have not had many replies here but the wk/ends and holidays are slow. I will see is Orchid and Mortman are around for you. Plan A as strong as you can. You are doing good with the no LB's. Make her miss the good things you had in you M. Take care of DD3 -she must be feeling confused at this point. Maybe your W took DD3 to see Santa that day at the mall and it may have been done without meaning to hurt you. Emotions are raw right now so do not take it to mean she slighted you. Take care.

First off, you are doing nothing but reacting to your wife. If you continue to do this, your marriage will be over.

What is your plan? Have you read about Plan A, emotional needs, love busters on here? Have you read Surviving an Affair?

You need a plan, my man. Reacting to her is causing you to make mistakes. Added to that, she is becoming frustrated because YOU are supposed to lead...and instead, yo uare reacting to what she does.

This is YOUR family. You are responsible. You make the final decisions. So, it is time to get smart, learn this stuff, get started on Plan A. But with Plan A, it must truly be a plan. Write it down (dont let your wife see it). Plan out what you are going to do and for how long. Plan out how you will handle things when she does some of this stuff. Like how you will handle the emotional/physical abuse. Or when she says she wants a divorce. How are you goign to handle these things?

It is YOUR plan. We can help you with it. But you need to get smart first. Then you need to get started. And we will guide you through it. Butwe cannot do it for you.

So, read. Learn. And start posting your solutions here so we can vet them. Keep updating us on what your wife says and does.

This is a war. Without a battle plan, you are doomed to lose.

In His arms.

I would like to give some more information on us. My WW witness her mother have an affair when she was little. They did reconcile. My Marriage to my current WW was me having an affair with her. She put alot of pressure on me to get a Divorce which I obviouley did and married my WW.

So with this any women who read this that need some advice I was a WH. I regret doing it to this day. I never talked to my ex until just recently about my current sitch and giving her closer. She has moved on and has a wonderful H and 2 wonderful children.

I can tell you this when I was with my current WW during our affair together My Ex faught for me by coming around it confused the ****** out of me, it was when she dropped out of the picture that made me feel releived and she never stopped the A. So stopping the A is the most important thing. When I look back during the last court hearing i cried and I did not want the D. I ended up moving on and falling deeply in love with my current WW. I have been a fighter these last 7 months. My current WW has thrown that in my face about me leaving a marriage for her, making it sound like it is ok for her to do the same. One thing she does not realize is that pain is with you forever b/c the grass is not greener all the same problems are there once the rush leaves. HNHN is one of the greatest books I have read and only make sense.

If anyone would like to get my input on a WH and ask me questions feel free. My current WW has told me the same things I told my ex during an A, I dont love you where like room mates etc.. the typical babble. I am going into my deep memory of what i was doing to now reverse my sitch.

I do need help also so we can bust this D. W has told me she filed and given her Lawyer a deposit and asked me if I have gotten my papers. I check online everyday and find nothing. So maybe she got her deposit back b/c she knows this attorney who is her friend through her girlfriend.

I look back when i was a WH and boy was I sucked into the excitment of sex with a younger girl she made feel like I was a king and gave me the world but she put a ton of preasure on me also to get out of my M. I remember telling my current WW how unhappy I was with M to my ex and you know what i was not I was caught up with the lust with her. You have to stop the A as fast as possible. I did her first one but now I have no idea what is going on now with my WW I think she is doing somthing so I will have to figure out a plan to investigate. We are both Police officers. My WW has told me im a stalker b/c I busted her A with the first co-worker and busted her one night stand with another co-worker. I have a hard time believing anything that comes out of her mout. I have recently been busted for going on yahoo personnals and emailing one of her friends that was on there I had no idea it was her friend and when i seen her pic I kept looking at it and passing it up then i went back to it and emailed her saying I cant get you out of my mind, my intentions where not for any sexual incounter but I have been lonely and in despair. I needed companionship some one to talk to and this girl notified my WW. MY WW asked me about it and I did not lie she was pissed at me and said I like how you said you where divorce on your profile she really did not take a liking to that. I put that on my profile b/c thats what my WW has been telling me all along we are getting a D. I started to believe it but now I look at it how upset she got and then said I don't care what you. Babble if you didn't care then why get pissed. I was wrong for doing it and I explained that to her. I have never been outside my marriage EA or PA. I can tell you this Yahoo personnals is a great place to talk to people who have been divorced and seperated to get a ton of info.

I remember My WW telling me to move on that is her justification to continue what she is doing. I continue to tell her i am committed to my M. If you dont stop the A just like Dr. harley says there is no chance for the M.

Today i did LB by questioning my WW calling me from her partners phone b/c the call was blocked and the excuse was her partner has it set that way however my old partner tells me when the same person calls him the call is not blocked. I let my ego get in the way bad move. She got angry with me and called me a pysco and stalker quick return babble would of been good but im not quick like that I usually panic. I should of said I had a good teacher. I have to regain my confidence and fix this insecurity I have. She also told me do you think I want to be with you when your like that and that is true that is why you have to fix yourself and not let those little things get to you and I know emotions are running out of control. So with that being said dont make these same mistakes. Its hard not too. You have to do your best. Make yourself so attractive and no LB with a good plan A you make the WW or WH head spin. I have been on both sides and the grass is no greener you just have to water the grass more often.

I would say Plan A is an excellent idea, as it works on you as well as the marriage. Rebuild your own confidence and make you more 'attractive' to your wife. Join a club or get a new hobby, go to the gym or take up swimming if you or
are not as in good a shape as you could be.

Your wife is going to be ultra critical and remote, my WW blamed me for everything and then some. She only really started coming round when I began smiling at her and enjoying myself, whilst trying to involve her. Little things like - "I'm taking the kids for a walk in the woods, would you like to join us". If yes then great, if no then, no problem. Then if she does say yes, you have a platform for inviting her to do other things when you have your daughter. Not necesarily every time, but if she's enjoying them then you can increase the frequency.

Jus a thought.