I have been in a 7 year marriage and had been unfaithful 3 times, with a married woman, a cousin and a graduate studies classmate. I recently decided to repair the marriage and told my wife everything. She left me, stayed in a condo that I am paying for to this day, has a boyfriend, stole $65,000 and wasted it at the casino and turned my kids against me even though they adore me. This is what she has been doing in the past 10 months. In those 10 months, I have been seeing a psychiatrist, pastor and talking to friends. I admit that I have a girlfriend 3 months after my wife left. For the first 3 months I have been trying to patch up the marriage, after my wife and I got our own respective partners I have been trying to at least patch up a civil relationship. My wife has not done absolutely anything in 10 months to patch things up. After all this, one friend is trying to patch things up between us and my wife is slowly understanding, but after 10 months of ****** that she gave me, I'm ready to divorce. Am I the wrong one here for finally being too tired?

Just exactly what have you *done* to repair things?

You cheated 3 times, and now you have a girlfriend?

That doesn't sound like repair to me. That sounds like having your cake and eating it too.

Your wife may not be ready to even engage in a civil relationship with you. Give her time and if you really mean it, lose the girlfriend and devote yourself to repairing what you can.

If you aren't willing to change then go ahead and file.

Not meaning to sound as harsh as I may sound - but I'm calling it like I see it. If you're sincere about repair, put your money where your mouth is, and walk the talk.

H2U

You told the truth about having THREE affairs - didn't learn from the first one. And now you are learning a hard lesson about natural consequences.

I'm with H2U.

Lose the girlfriend and work on your issues.

And remember there may be a big difference in the services offered by a psychiatrist and those offered by a therapist/counselor/psychologist.

It sounds to me like your wife is hurting and expressing her hurt. What are you doing to help your marriage? Admitting cheating doesn't erase it, it is only the first step. You've had many years and three lovers, she's had ten months......

Have you been to counseling to find out why you are a serial cheater? Frankly, your W is wise to move on until you prove you have made major changes and can demonstrate those changes. A three time cheater is not an aberration of character, but a way of life. Most folks are not interested in such a way of life.

your wife is VERY HURT..Everything she did in retailiation of your affairs was to try to hurt you to make you feel her type of pain. Apparently, it backfired..

Does it hurt you that she now has a BF??

Others are right here - if you want your wife and children back you need to immediately stop seeing your GF - even if you wife still has her BF. YOu need her to see you as a changed man, a man that is remoreful for his actions.

You cannot repair your M if you have someone in your back pocket, a "just in case my M doesn't work out woman".

Spend some time alone and get your S### together, one way or the other..

Your children do not deserve this type of lifestyle from your wife or you..

Sorry, if I'm coming off as harsh - but, the quicker you work to fix this the less damage there is to repair it..If you want too...

HUGS

...but after 10 months of ****** that she gave me, I'm ready to divorce. Am I the wrong one here for finally being too tired?

This is unreal. After only 3 months of your supposed soul cleansing you are on to #4 and you want to complain that your W is giving YOU *****. Have you any idea what you unloaded on her?

A cousin?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm not sorry if I sound harsh...
How are you the victim here? You cheat time and time again, decide to come clean and expect a rose for your efforts? I agree with everyone else here. how are you the victim? did you ever think your kids adored you because your wife told them great things about you? Perhaps they have turned on you themselves because you hurt their mother?! C'mon, get a grip, get a clue, get some help, and stop blaming your wife for irreparable harm you caused. take some responsibility!!!
You NEED to pay for telling the truth! You need to stop messing around and get some counseling! Your wife is protecting herself from YOU and cheating!
Look around on here... you ARE in the right place, but you will be held accountable on these boards. You don't give a lot of info on your post, but what you say and how you say it makes it sound like the world is against you and you're a victim....not here you're not!

Dear Tom,

Welcome to MB. I believe it's the best possible place to create, build and maintain relationships. As you have seen, replies to your post have been direct and honest. If you're not used to that in your life, you'll become accustomed to it pretty quickly here. And they've given you the best advice. For me, I want to know more.

You titled your thread "I told the truth and am paying for it." What did you expect to happen when you told your wife of your infidelities? I don't say this to sound critical. Please stop and remember what was in your mind before you were radically honest with her? And did you have in mind how to make amends for your wrongdoing? Did you have a plan to repair your marriage and what amends were those?

You said that you decided to repair the marriage. Do you mean in becoming honest? Or were there things in the marriage that needed repair? Have you read Harley's articles on this site? Policy of Undivided Attention? Emotional Needs Questionnaires? Rules of Protection, Recovery, etc.? This information can help you determine what it was that was not working in your marriage, if you know what your expectation of marriage truly is.

If it was your infidelity and your continuing guilt, what was it you needed from your wife by sharing this with her? Was it to feel honest and connected? Forgiveness? Understanding? Do you know why you were unfaithful repeatedly?

What I understand from what you wrote is that you have small children that you adore and believe you had a good relationship with them, though you were being unfaithful to their mother. I do not hear that your wife cheated on you and that she did not turn them against as you now believe, until after your revelation. I hear that since your disclosure, your wife immediately left you, took the kids, and in your eyes, has stolen from you, committed infidelity and has destroyed your relationship with your children. I take it that this is not what you expected.

You have been in counseling and seeking help spiritually and depending on the help of friends--to do what? Is this your growth time, part of the disclosure, or in reaction to your BW's (betrayed wife's) reaction? What is your goal in life? What are you working toward? Is infidelity and divorce common place in your life? Do you believe your wife really is replaceable?

You have already engaged in another extramarital relationship since your separation. In my view, as long as you are married, you can't have any other partners. You have a wife, you are a husband...those don't change with your actions, until the judge says it. What does your shrink, pastor and friends advise you on this? Is there something in this support network you've created that isn't working for you, that brought you here to MB?

Have you learned why you find it unbearable to be by yourself? Have you considered the possibilities of love addict, sex addict, others, that have you locked in a pattern of behavior?

"after my wife and I got our own respective partners I have been trying to at least patch up a civil relationship."

So, do you believe you and your wife are divorced without a divorce? Why do you want a civil relationship with your wife and why not a marital one? Do you believe you can repair the marriage and patch up a relationship?

Maybe all those answers are in this:

"After all this, one friend is trying to patch things up between us and my wife is slowly understanding, but after 10 months of ****** that she gave me, I'm ready to divorce."

I hear anger, resentment and justification. When you're done, you're done. You won't stand to be treated like that. Is that correct? Seemingly, your wife took the news of your destructive behavior and retaliated against you. She didn't separate and pursue a divorce...it sounds like she took her incredible anger, resentment and overwhelming pain, the kids, and the road to revenge. Is that what you want of yourself, as well? It sounds like you don't like what she did at all, but are willing to point fingers away from yourself and say, "Enough! I have boundaries!" Sorry, but that's what I'm getting. How's that working for you? Because essentially, that's what your wife did and it sounds like that really devastated you. Tit for tat?

One thing I've learned here is that when you make a boundary, you can't cross it, either. Boundaries are for what you won't allow others to do to you without consequences. However, they have to be exactly the same for yourself in what you won't allow yourself to do to others. And you did. You didn't maintain boundaries in your marriage. Maybe you were like me and didn't have a code. Didn't know what you believed. I was a reactive person, giving back as good as I got (or tried to), but continued destructive behaviors I would abhorr in my partner.

Please tell us what you are thinking...or if you believe you can post and get support for doing more damage to something sacred. None of us can change your wife, but we will all diligently support you changing you.

LA

To all who had an opinion, thank you so much for not sugar coating it. I did need some slap in the face. I am sorry for not being so specific, I didn't want to bore you with the details. It seems I should give the specifics. I wasn't looking for someone on my side, I needed honest answers and I got them.

I met my wife when she was the girlfriend of my childhood best friend. We became friends but I kept my distance. Then, when my best friend was out, she told me of her life.
My wife ran away from her step family when she was in high school and lived with her boyfriend for nine years. Since he lived with his grandmother, she was mostly hidden in his room for most of that time. He also beat her and refused to let her return to her family. And lastly she only had about a week left befor he shipped her to Germany to be a house maid, because his job kept him away from his grandmother's house and he couldn't bring her with him.
So, in 1 week, I decided take a chance and to help her by telling her to stay with me till we reunite her with her step family. This meant her leaving, and me betraying, my bestfriend. When I finally got her to her step family they didn't want her back because she ran away, and since she was living with me, told me we had to get married. When she came to live with me she didn't have a cent to her name, no friends, no family.
After 2 years of marriage, I noticed her shy, timid and yet caring demeanor turn into a dominating extrovert that liked to go to bars and hang out with guys. I am a homebody. Sex with me, for her, was something to get over with. It came to a point I stopped and told her she just lies there. Yet she would keep pornography and satisfy herself at times. I have asked her to talk about it, she just brushes me off by saying that she does like sex with me and we should try, yet it just the same thing. It's not like I cant perform well.
She is 3 years older than me, and her biological clock was ticking and she wanted a kid, she was 28 and I was 25. That was when my 1st affair started. Actually, I think I had affairs because it was my way of escaping all the responsibilities that I didn't want. Understand, our getting to know you phase was a week at most, from there it was like on autopilot. Her own family didn't want her back, due to bad feelings of her running away.
She knew of the first affair, but didn't help me seek counseling because she said it was my problem and I should fix it. Before the 3rd affair happened I was on my knees and beggin her to help me fix myself, even saying straight that I might have another affair and she shouldn't trust me. She said its ok because she trusts me.
Please don't think I'm saying I am a saint, hardly. The reason I told her the truth is because I needed her to see how messed up I am and I was desperate for help, and also out of guilt.
I hope I answered all the specifics.

I followed your advice and broke off with my girlfriend. I am seeing a psychologist now, and am exploring why I seem to cheat all the time. Right now I forgave my wife for stealing all that money and my kids are home with me now. Oh not to put her in a bad light, but just to get facts straight, I told her the truth on January, she decided to leave me but I didn't have money to support her yet. By about March I had money and she left, this was when she told me she had a boyfriend. I had been single up to this time. April she stole $20,000 and when I found out I didn't get mad and even paid her debt at the casino, I thought this was her way of getting back at me and I knew I deserved it. Seeing I was being sincere, she and I had a good friendship. Then October I found out she stole some more, $45,000. When I confronted her, my kids happen to be staying with her so she barred me from seeing them.

Sniff..sniff..sniff...do I smell a troll?

You didn't have the money to support her but she stole all this money? From whom did she steal it? If it were your money then it was also her money so she didn't steal it.

She left her step family? Was one of her parents living there? Then she didn't leave her step family. She was gone 9 years and they wouldn't take her back because she ran away. What???

She lived with a boyfriend who lived with his grandmother. He hid her there for nine years? How could he beat her if she were in hiding? Was the grandmother deaf and blind?

He shipped her to Germany to be a housemaid? A mighty complicated and expensive way to get someone out of the house.

You're a homebody yet you've had all there affairs?

It is not her responsibility to get you counseling after the 2nd affair. That's ridiculous. After two affairs you said she shouldn't trust you because you would have another and she said that she did trust you? Come on.

And the biggest kicker...you had an affair with a cousin. I think you watch too much Jerry Springer.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to agree with jph..... I smell a RAT!!

This entire story sounds so whacky until I can't even keep up with the storyline.

Something does not add up here?? I would love for you to answer all of jph's inquiries......Please!


W2E

jph...how did you possibly figure all that out?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> LOL I gave up trying to understand it all...I'm glad your attention span is longer than mine.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But what if he wasn't making it up?

Far fetched yes, but impossible? Shouldn't we give him the benefit of the doubt rather than risk turning someone who has such a situation away?

[color:"blue"] GG [/color]
I was thinking this same thing - I've noticed an increase of "spam" or somewhat inconceivable (as far as who's writing) posts lately. Sometimes it's hard to tell, especially when it's a first-time writer. And some of us are suspicious by nature, thanks to our WS. I swear I think CheckUrHeart was a previous poster, resurrected recently. I wonder if there is a way that the administrators can tell when someone registers...?

I agree, give the benefit of the doubt in a general reply, and then wait to see what is said in subsequent posts by the one who started the thread.