xW is getting married this week and I find myself feeling emotions I haven’t felt in months. It’s been a year since I lost my job and a year since she left. The fact that she is marrying the OM at our family’s church bothers me. That she has our kids involved in this madness angers me. But the kicker is that she refuses to acknowledge the confusion this has caused our 6 y/o. She wants me to explain to him that ‘what is, is’ and that he needs not to live in a fantasy.

My son wants to know why mommy left and she wants to deny that her actions affected her children. Seems like she is the one living a fantasy. The Fog seems thicker than ever… How do I approach this?

Does your church know the circumstances of this marriage? I find this very disturbing that they are allowing this in your family church. Divorce and adultry go against everything the church teaches. For them to condone it, is a sin in itself. Have you exposed to the chruch? Or even higher up if necessary? Does the entire congregation know? If not, they should. Adultry and the destruction of families is NOT to be condoned and supported by the church.

You shouldn't try to normalize this to your son. Tell him what Mommy is doing is very, very wrong. He should not be told by you that adultry is acceptable, that it's o-k to walk out on your family for your own selfish pleasures. Is he seeing a counselor? Divorce does hurt children and it needs to be dealt with not brushed under the rug line your XW seems to want to do.

Let me get this straight: there are ministers who will actually agree to a wedding like this even when they know what's up?

Weird.

I don't think you should take orders from your ex about how to explain her affair, and I think you should tell that minister what you think and find a new church.

GC

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how people want their sinful lives "justified" by taking it into a church building to "make it right". There is NOTHING right about this situation, and your XW is asking you to tell your son a lie if she's expecting him to be told that what she is doing with this OM is somehow blessed by God enough to have their union made "permanent" by a minister!!!

I have to agree with the previous two posters...this minister needs to be called to the carpet on this blatant trampling of scriptural precedents! Your children are looking to you, their father and the PERMANENT head of their family, for what is and isn't right--and this ISN'T! It isn't morally right and it isn't scripturally allowed, regardless if it's "legal" or not. Let them be married by a justice of the peace if they must, but to have a MINISTER perform the ceremony and pass on a "blessing"??? That's ludicrous.

You are probably reluctant to address the issue of the affair with the church. That would create a commotion. On the other hand, if your XW lied to get marriage sanctified in the Church, you are duty bound to let it be known.

While you have a responsibility to attempt at least a cordial relationship with your XW, you have no obligation at all to protect her from the consequences to herself of what she has done to you and her children.

If it were me, I would put in a private call to the minister and tell him your story and see what he says. But that is just me. Your mileage may vary.

//Larry

"If anyone KNOWS just cause why this man and this woman should not be joined in HOLY MATRIMONY, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Hi DLC. The clock is ticking if this the week of the wedding. The ministers are accountable to God for NOT condoning sin and the issue needs to be addressed. If not by you, who has the "first hand knowledge," then by whom?

Larry has the right idea. Make the call.

This IS a spiritual matter, and if obedience and submission to God's authority is not an issue, one more sin won't matter much. But if it is important, then the WITNESS of the church in condoning such a marriage would speak volumes about what they believe....and should be just cause for believers to flee.

As for your son, you are on the right side. Do not give in. Stand for what's right no matter how your wife seeks to twist the truth. You are raising your son...do so in love, honesty, and in reverence to God.

God bless as you deal with yet another difficult time.

Larry:

I think this is no doubt a "tough call" and I can see Dleightonc taking an awfully lot of heat for doing this and being see as desperate and in denial in doing this.....BUT YOU KNOW WHAT........SO WHAT? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree with you. Doing what is "right" is not always the "easy thing"...this could potentially stir up a hornets nest....but "what is right is right"....It would take some big Kahona's to do this...if it was me, I probably wouldn't do it (just being honest)...but that is not saying that I wouldn't "wish" that I had the stones to do this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How is your son's confusion manifesting itself? It seems to me that before anyone can give advice about how to help your son with his confusion, it would be useful to know just what he is saying and doing.

My son keeps asking his mom why she left. He wants to know why we all can't live together, why his mom yells more since she left and why I seem sad. He has started to act out in school, mostlty by incessantly talking about the upcoming nuptuals. In the last week, he has lied to his teacher, stolen $100 from me and confronted his mother.

This and he LIKES the OM! His mom doesn't want to talk about it or think it anything we need to address through counseling.

As for the church, they know NOW that she didn't meet OM after the Dv--I and my mom let them know. Most folks think it's outrageous, but encourage me to be Christlike in my forgiveness and let the law of Sowing & Reaping take care of things.

Meanwhile my son keeps asking, When can I have my family back?" Children deserve more.

Have you talked to the bishop that rules over your area/section of churches?

Your son's behavior is worrysome none the least. Especially the fact that he likes the other man doesn't help at all. But he is innocent of all this.

My pastor is the national president of our denomination. How do you mean "he isn't of all of this"? Isn't what?

Wow, I don't know what kind of church you go to, but I'm amazed.

When my I found out my WH was having an affair, I put in a prayer request. I heard from my pastor that day - and we have a large (over 3,000) congregation. He contacted my husband and told him he wanted to talk to him, and he was no longer welcome at church until he had the talk. My husband has been a member of the church for 20 years.

I was surprised, but it felt so good. My husband's family sees nothing wrong with his affair, nor do lots of folks at our work. It was nice that our marriage was supported by our church.

Sorry typo I meant he is innocent of all of this. I don't know why but I sometimes mix two words together.

The only thing I could possibly think of is going to the papers and talk about how the church/denomination that you belong to is breaking one of their most sacred rules. That is obviously unrealistic and in fact would probably hurt your image/reputation and is not a really good idea.

DL,

2 issues here:

1. Son: He needs and deserves answers. Ones he can understand.

Son: Why did mom leave our family? When can I have my family back?

BS: That is a good question. The reality is your mom choose to leave our family and chose to replace some of us. You really should ask your mom these questions. She may not want to answer them correctly but you have the right to ask her. Let me know when you want my opinion. Right now the answer is that it was her choice. Not mine and not our family's choice.

As for getting your family back.... you have me. I will always be your dad. The other guy your mom is choosing to marry can't even pretend to be your dad, though he may try. Remember that no one can pretend t/b you and no one can pretend t/b dad. So you have a family....that's us, ok?


2. The Church/Pastor. Now that they know, their actions needs to show it matches. Cancelling the right to have the wedding on their church property would be the right thing t/d. Anything less would label the church and it's pastor as 'enabling the A'. Let them know this.

It makes me angry that people can say a lot but when it comes time to make their actions match their words, they lose their spins. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

dlc:

Sorry 2 hear you're still dealing with this nonsense. As you know, I'm not religious, but some things are just so basic.

The church should take some sort of stand here - either in support of families or in support of infidelity. It doesn't matter that you've been DV'd for a year, what's important is that this "marriage" that they're condoning started as an A, and never "cooled off" before this step.

I agree with Orchid. You need 2 find a way 2 speak 2 your son on a level he can understand, and still tell him the truth about what his mom is doing.

Mortarman can probably be helpful in this regard.

-ol' 2long

Orchid & 2long:

Those are some great responses/approaches to the sitch. My son keeps asking if I'll still be his dad after the wedding. He even suggested to his mom that they all--including OM move back in with me, "so we can be a family again." I may be still stinging from this, but I'm pretty sure "that ain't gonna happen" isn't what my son needs to hear from his mother at this time of transition.

Orchid your response is masterful as it allows me to support my son without taking the responsibilty and consequeces away from xW.

I have to meet with her and our son's teacher this morning regarding his recent behavior. Even she thinks he's confused. xW's solution? change the way we split custody days. She just doesn't get it...

Here's a fact: Can't teach stupid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Translated.....can't teach a WS.

Your son on the other hand is teachable. Love him and show him how to grow up. It is sad that at such a tender age he is having to deal with a WS. Ws' have no sense.....they are willing to sacrifice all, even their children for their A. I wish them all nothing but misery (as WS'). On the other hand, I am sure you all want the mother of your children and W back. But will at the very least settle for the mother of your children. At the very least, for their sakes.

Still it is a WS who is roaming your neighborhood. So reassure your children. Be each other's family and support group.

I am proud of how great a dad u r being. Keep it up. I know it is hard but it is greatly appreciated. Even by those you don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

2long is right DLC. Not advocating or supporting this wedding is ethics 101. A big "duh". I'd like to hear this minister explain.

Anyway, that's not really your problem, except the part where you're a member of this church.

I'm sure you'll find a way to be honest with your son and still not make him a pawn.

GC

Have you spoken directly with your pastor, outlined the exact circumstances of the situation, and point blank asked him if he's going to continue to allow/support this wedding given that there is no way that this should be blessed in church as it is all based on sin?

And I think talking with you son truthfully is probably the best bet. Tell him that your wife has chosen to marry OM. That she actually began 'dating' OM when you two were still married, and chose to be with him rather than stay with you. Tell him that you CAN'T all live together. Make sure he knows that NONE of this is his fault in any way...it's simply what his mommy has decided to do, regardless of what anyone else in the family wanted. Let him know that you will ALWAYS be his dad...and you'll ALWAYS be there for him. Tell him that he should feel comfortable in asking his mom about her choices, but that she might feel he's not 'grown up' enough to hear the truth from her.

That degree of honesty is a a blessing to a child and one I inted to share. Thanks.