We've been married 10 years, and my H has gone through phases where he drink about 3 drinks about 5 days a week, and then if he is told to by his doctor (because of high liver count or needs antibiotics for a flu) not to drink, he has no problem stopping. My concern is that he comes from a FOO where his sister has a drinking problem, his two brothers had severe drug problems but have been clean for years, alcoholic parents, an aunt who died of cirrosis of the liver and a grandfather he never met who was alcoholic. So I worry about him becoming an alcoholic every time he drinks so much he falls asleep. He has reconciled with an old friend, and when they go out, about every other week, they go through 2 pitchers of beer.

What do I do? My ex-SIL who has been through Al-Anon years ago with H's brother before they divorced, said I am an enabler, in that I get so distressed that my reaction becomes the issue instead of his drinking. Also she thinks I should go because my step-dad was extremely abusive when he drank when I was growing up, although I have been in counseling to get over that already. I have cut out the LBs, so I minimize my reaction, but I am SO fearful because he just drinks all the more now, and I have no control. Is this something I can POJA? I am thinking no, because he wouldn't see a benefit to cutting back. I have tried a thoughtful request (instead of disrespectful judgement) but he says he drinks the same amount he always has and I am worrying for nothing. I am thinking Al-Anon would help me understand whether I have a problem and whether my kids will notice (Lord, I hope not!) but the meetings are in the day when I work, or in the evening, and I think it would cause a big negative response from H if I did that. Their website also has an online program, but recommends the in-person meetings.

Has anyone been in this situation? Am I the overreacting prudish nag H says I am or am I just perpetuating this cycle for my kids?

Well the choices are up to you. Have you H go to a AA meetings or go seek a counselor or a psychologist. But remember that you have to support him as well.

I do have a sister that is a recovering alcoholic and has been for 13 years. I still remember the day she went to the hospital and almost died of a seizure.


Good Luck my friend....

EA,

I'm no expert......but if you read my posts you'll see that my M suffered from my alcohol abuse. I didn't see the problem (like you describe w/ him), then I did, quit, started back, cut back dramatically.

Then I woke up when W started withdrawing......and found out of her A.

Everyone has to hit their wall.

Is his drinking innocent fun? Or not so innocent danger? You probably know the answer to that - whether you want to admit it or not. Does he drive drunk? Or impaired? Does he do so with others in the car? Or kids?

There are many ways to look at drinking and alcoholism. One drink to some is nothing - to others it's too much - because it leads to more & more. By most former alcoholics definition - your H is at least a heavy drinker........if not more.

But - have heart that there are sources where you can find out more. Participation in Al-Anon does not committ you to anything - but there are others there that you can ask these questions of.

There also is a fine site called www.soberrecovery.com that has posts on drinking and it's effect.

In the discussion w/ my W (over my drinking and her A) - I sent her a post from that site.......I list it below for your review.

Good Luck - hope all works out well for you and H!!!!!!

M

Dear MJ...Keep up your good work in recovery..you are headed in the right direction and have the right attitude towards understanding your wife's point of view. Although addiction is a "selfish" thing in many ways, YOUR understanding of HER anger and pain is UNselfish...this speaks for itself. I am the wife of an addict. I am not an addict, so I confess that I can only understand the disease from an intellectual point of view, and from the perspective of a family member sufferring its devastating consequences. I can relate to your wife and how she feels. I have so much anger, so much pain, so much fear, so much loss to try to find a way to cope with. I just know my own pain will not heal overnight. Addiction not only robs the addict of their health, peace of mind, freedom, self respect,....but it creates a serious lack of trust and loss of respect in family and loved ones. I have found that the more I educate myself about the "disease" of addiction, the more I can find positive ways to cope with my anger. I am going to start with some of the family help groups soon, but I am mostly educating myself by reading at this point. I know it is going to take TIME and PATIENCE. I am not sure he will survive this and be "OK" again, but I am going to continue to CHOOSE to have HOPE that he will be. And with that hope, that I will regain trust and respect and attraction again. The fact of the matter is that a true and REAL close intimate relationship in a marriage involves the sacred bond of a covenant(family) that was promised to one another. Addiction has made this bond seem violated, broken, hurt....but given time, healing CAN happen. The best thing you can do for her is to validate her feelings whenever she gives you the opprotunity to do so. LISTEN to her and do not feel like you have to come up with the "answer" or a quick fix of any kind, but just let her know that you want more then anything, to be healed of your addiction so that you can be the man you KNOW you trully are. That you want this for yourself because you deserve to be whole and healed!...but just as much for the wellbeing and happiness of those most precious to you in life. If she knows just how precious she is, that you...in your sobriety...are now able to SEE and appreciate what treasures your family really are..that they are your "pearls of great price"...her hurt and hardened heart will have the chance to trust enough to heal bit by bit. Those of us who watch in pain and hurt and anger as our life is affected by addiction, cannot help but to have broken hearts. Hearts scarred and trying to just survive the next episode of "breaking". I think that if you keep giving her whataver she shows you that she emotionally needs...understanding, listening, validation, showing her by your continued actions how you ARE changing your life...she will slowly allow herself to HOPE again. God Bless you MJ...I am optimistic for you

Thanks for your responses. I started Alanon shortly after my first post and learned a lot about our situation and how to cope better. I would really recommend Alalnon to anyone in this situation.