She loved you for some reason. Figure out what that was, and be that person again.

That eludes me now b/c it seems that everything I used to be is what we've been fighting about eg. strong family value, close to family/friends, sociable, etc...
I'm sure there is some core being of who I am that she was actually in love with and I just have to figure out what that is...

Well, she may have "issues" from her FOO, or psychological problems, or else her EN's weren't being met. So start with that question.

You have a long term relationship, so I'm hopeful.

Whatever happens, if you work on yourself, you will come out just fine. The MB program helps you get through this, and either save your marriage, or become a better person for your next relationship.

So get busy, and put her on the back burner. You can e-mail her and let her know what is happening in your life, but I would drop the relationship talk. It seems to make her angry.

Just got a call from W saying that she didn't want to accept my Xmas gift. Asking me why now, etc. I said that I hope she would accept the gift in the spirit of the season that it had no strings attached and was not meant to change her mind about anything.
As far as the "why now" question...I didn't know how to respond so I said: I realized that I used to put too much value on expense and money and too little on the idea and act of giving. Long silence...Then she said she can't open it. (meaning she's not in town) then phone got disconnected and I've not been able to contact her since.

Hi Stu,

Sorry to hear that. After all this time hoping for a response from her, you got that. IMHO, that was very rude of her.

Lady

The why now question is fairly typical. Lots and lots of folks say that.

It really doesn't mean anything, except that she may be noticing some changes, which is good.

Don't bother trying to contact her about it. Just put it away for now.

Have you read the article here "Why women leave men?". You might check it out and see if any of it applies in your situation.

I still don't see what she has been so unhappy about in the marriage. Maybe that artilce will shed some light.

Have you read the article here "Why women leave men?"
I haven't, I'll definitely read it and post what I gather from it... Thanks

After I re-read it I realized that I did read that once. a lot of sound familiar in my R. eg.
"He is never there for me when I need him the most"
"My H is no longer my friend"
"When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize"

She once recommended (few mo ago)that I watch "everybody loves Raymond" saying I could learn something from it. I didn't learn anything at the time until I read the thread on MB about a woman married to "Ray Romano", I wish she would have just explained to me what I could learn at that time.

This leads to issue with Family; my Parents live in asia and are more traditional in values. But we're fairly close and talk on the phone 2-3x a month. They visit the states 1-2x/ yr but stay with my B (30min away). My parents try to influence the way we live our lives with innuendo's and back handed comments. They don't mean any harm nor are they malicious but I now understand how my W feels being a career woman and being expected to behave like a homemaker. My B (3yrs older) also has a family more traditional in roles. He is the bread winner my SIL is a homemaker taking care of 2 kids. My close interactions with them make her uncomfortable b/c perhaps I'm starting to be influenced by them.

issue w/Friends: There are many...I think bottom line is, I didn't show her that she was more important to me than my friends.

We struggled a lot about many decisions. We didn't understand the POJA. Most of the time I feel like I'll give-in on issues that are not so important to me but that made me feel like I had to take stronger stands on the few issues that are more important to me. And if I didn't get my way then, I feel she doesn't respect how I feel.
We live close to her family and their influence is quite strong on a almost daily basis. Our fights got so bad 1.5 yr ago that I decided to sell my office and planned on moving away from here without consulting w/ her. b/c I felt that moving here was a result of me giving into her decision and now we argue about family/finaces all the time so it was my turn to do what I thought was right for us. Needless to say this infuriated her. I've never done that type of unilateral decision again...

Oh, the old parents in Asia with traditional values story. We had a poster here who was a math professor at a prestigious NY university. Her husband's parents were from China, and they caused quite a few problems in the marriage by voicing their opinion.

Unilateral decisions are not good for a marriage, especially not such far-reaching ones. But what is done is done.

I hope you will start getting out with friends and doing things so you have something to write her about. If she complains about the past, just tell her that you wish you knew then what you know now. Tell her you are sorry.

Oh, the old parents in Asia with traditional values story...Her husband's parents were from China, and they caused quite a few problems in the marriage by voicing their opinion.
The funny thing is her parents are from the same place and have the same values for themselves except they've lived her for so long that their expectations for all 6 of their daughters are much more contemporary.

BTW, she did call me back last night. I told her that I was thinking of her when I bought the gifts for her, hoping she would enjoy and use them. I have no intention of taking it back, also they were passed the return period. And that if she asked her BIL to return it to me I'll send it to her friend's house up where she is so she can pick it up. She then said don't worry about it. I guess she's not returning them. Hopefully she'll just accept them.

Stu, I find it odd, she did the very same thing you wanted to do 1.5 yrs ago. I wish she would reach out and talk to you. I wonder if she would be open to you going and visiting her.

Lady

I don't think she wants any visits right now.

I agree, I don't think she would be open to any visits from me right now...

I wish she would reach out and talk to you. I wonder if she would be open to you going and visiting her.

We've had the toughest time communicating with eachother. When she's upset she simply leaves and only want to wait for me to apologize before we can work anything out. I must admit that perhaps I don't hear things into my thick skull unless some drastic thing happens to make me wake up and take introspection...

I'm not sure if I should call her to wish a happy new year, knowing that she is not going to answer my call. I know calling her would be a Plan A thing to do, but I wonder if I'm starting to be heading into a 180...

I don't know Stu, your wife is so unresponsive it's hard to tell what will work for her. I hope someone here could give you some more tips on how to approach her, or not approach her.

If I wasn't on MB, I'd tell you to make a surprise visit to see her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Lady

If I wasn't on MB, I'd tell you to make a surprise visit to see her!

Thanks for the input LS, honestly I've been tempted to do so several times but afraid b/c I don't know how she would react. How do you imagine her reaction if I show up where she is and surprise her?

BTW, she doesn't know that I know where she lives...

Showing up unannounced is not a good idea.

I would lean more towards 180 type things, with nice occasional emails.