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Joined: Apr 2005
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Since my wife has managed to keep her affairs mostly secret, and limited to playing around, instead of making a move to end our marriage, How do I explain my wife's affairs, if someone figures it out? I am ashamed and fearful that my wife's affairs will be discovered by my adult children or other family members or friends. Since I am not ready to shift to Plan B, I am still in Plan A, trying to fulfill her needs.


Adult Son: Dad, did you ever think that Mom might be fooling around with any other man?

DAD: Your mom is sort of a closet swinger. She tries to keep her indiscretions secret, so if you could avoid letting her, or anyone else, know that you suspect her infidelity, things would probably go smoother. Also, I am somewhat ashamed of not taking a strong position on the issue of fidelity, so I would appreciate your keeping the secret for my respect and honor also. Most all families have some secrets. Some families keep secrets better than others. Let's just do the best we can. The best way to keep something unorthodox secret, is to avoid doing rebellious activities. If you ever need to talk about it again, I would prefer you catch me in private.


FRIEND: Did you ever think that your wife might be fooling around on you, with another man?

SENATOR: My wife does seem to have some propensity for saying YES more than she should. I try to encourage my wife to keep things within limits. My wife tries to keep things secret. I would appreciate it if you would speak to me, if you have any questions. To the extent you can avoid mention ing my wife's indiscretions to others, it would help protect her reputation. My wife does try to keep up her reputation with friends and family. Did you have any ideas for increasing fidelity in a marriage?

Ideas?

Last edited by Senator_H; 12/04/05 08:41 AM.
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Dear Senator_H,

I have read your other thread on this board read your thread that someone linked to the other board. There were things in your threads that made me highly suspicious of your motives for being here.

And now this thread asking for "ideas" of how to keep affairs secret! This is a marriage building site, Senator_H. Affairs and secrecy are counterproductive to building strong and fulfilling marriages so I highly doubt that you will get that kind of advice at Marriage Builders.

Have you ever posted at Marriage Builders under a different name(s)? What year did you start posting?

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Senator, her affairs have continued because you have kept her secrets for her. Affairs can only survive in secrecy, so you have become her enabler. The foundation of Plan A is exposing her affair and doing everything to bust it up. Without that, you are wasting your time. Because all the need meeting in the world will not overcome an active affair.

Your W would likely stop her adulterous affairs if you would expose her, but as long as you will help her hide her dirty secrets, she knows she can continue in secrecy. She will never wake up from her secret fantasy life that is never exposed to reality.

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My wife does seem to have some propensity for saying YES more than she should.

That's really cute. I think the truth is that she has propensity for acting like an alley cat in heat. Minimizing that to "saying yes more than she should" is a classic example of double speak. Why can't you talk straight?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I feel the way Lovingboundaries does about this thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

And the following quote makes me feel ill...so much so that I hope it is not true.

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Adult Son: Dad, did you ever think that Mom might be fooling around with any other man?

DAD: Your mom is sort of a closet swinger. She tries to keep her indiscretions secret, so if you could avoid letting her, or anyone else, know that you suspect her infidelity, things would probably go smoother. Also, I am somewhat ashamed of not taking a strong position on the issue of fidelity, so I would appreciate your keeping the secret for my respect and honor also. Most all families have some secrets. Some families keep secrets better than others. Let's just do the best we can. The best way to keep something unorthodox secret, is to avoid doing rebellious activities. If you ever need to talk about it again, I would prefer you catch me in private.

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What the heck is a "limited affair?" Isn't having an affair in the same realm as being pregnant? You either are, or you are not. No woman I ever knew was able to have a limited pregnancy.

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This is Senator H you are talking to. He will do as he will do - and there's no doing anything about it.

So, Senator, just why do you want to keep the truth from being known. You can't heal a wound until you get the infection out.

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Dear Loving Boundaries,

I would prefer that my wife stop having affairs, and I have requested that she honor the marriage committments. My wife has often offered to have a somewhat open marriage, and I have declined, stating that I intend to honor the marriage vows, at least until a divorce is final.

I have lurked on this board occasionally over the last several years. Like many of us, I read over posts, before I actaully started posting. I did search for threads and posts on this subject before posting the start of this thread. I had diffiuclty using the Search engine, as I was unable to use combinations of words, to narrow my search. I started a thread under FEEDBACK/TECHINICAL PROBLEMS Section, entititled, "Can 2 Words Be Searched Together? Excluding?"

If you have any techniques for better searches, everyone might benefit.

Ideas?

Last edited by Senator_H; 12/04/05 03:25 PM.
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Dear Senator_H,

Thank you for responding. I must admit that I was not expecting that and I feel somewhat baffled that you gave a direct response to me after skipping over many ideas from others that could be much more beneficial to you and your marriage than what I addressed.

I didn't see your answers to these questions: Have you ever posted at Marriage Builders under a different name(s)? What year did you start posting?

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Dear Melody Lane,

You are correct that my wife is apearing to be eating cake. Plan A and Plan B are discussed by Dr. Harley in this Link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Dr. Harley recommends exposing the affair as a means of ending the infidelity, in this Link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

You are also correct that I an enabler, to some degree. Tough Love suggests creating a manageble crisis. Esposing my wife's affairs could be part of creating a manabeble crisis.

If I were to decide to maximize exposure of the affairs, my response would be different:

FRIEND: Did you ever suspect that your wife might not be completely faithfull to you?

SENATOR: Yes, I have had those suspicions. I am thinking of hiring a Private Detective to get the evidence. Do you have any invesigators you think are good? By the way, please don't keep this information secret for the sake of my honor or feelings. The more poeople that know about your suspicions, the more likely that any affairs by my wife will end sooner, than later.

Thanks for your reply.

Last edited by Senator_H; 12/04/05 04:01 PM.
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Dear Loving Boundaries,

In your earlier post you mentioned:
"There were things in your threads that made me highly suspicious of your motives for being here."

What are your suspicions?

What are good motives?

What are bad motives?

My motive for posting this thread was to deal with an association of a fear with my response to the possiblity that my wife might be having an affair. I also back off in fear, when my wife starts taking about the possibility of her having had an affair, or continuing an affair presently.

When a disagreement arises between my wife and myself, she will occasionally play the Infidelty Card, and I feel hurt, afraid, and back off. Part of my fear comes from the fear of how I will face the emasculation of my manhood, if others know that my wife cheats.

One part or my image of manhood, is that a wife does not cheat on a man who is of good manhood. Therefore, if anyone knows that my wife cheats, then they will think that my manhood is low value. I fear others finding out that my manhood is poor. If my wife's cheating is exposed, I will be hurt.

Each thread I start, I try to give any pertinent information to the issue with which I am dealing. If you would like more personal information, let me know what areas you might think relevant.

My personal goals at this time are to get my outlook on my marriage under control, becuase I have been spending time thinking about my marriage, That could be better spent improving the household, and doing works I think are important or valuable.

I try to make the title of any thread I start, match my intent in the thread. Soemtimes, as the thread develops, I see that some posters could be better served, by a more accurate thread title. If you feel that this thread title can be improved, plase advise me.

I see that I failed to answer one of your questions on another thread. You asked if my wife would benefit from this forum. I have offered to let my wife share the information on the forums. My wife is Scorpio, and likes to be secretive. She is also close to being ADHD, and I have shared some posts on the CHADD forum with her. My wife is largely involved with her church and her relatives. Part of the reason I feel the affairs occur, is because W does not spend much time with me. I have made some progress in getting more of her time, but not much.

So, for me, the choices are either to get used to my wife with little time spent with me, and cheating; or to create some sort of managed crisis, such as exposing her affairs. At the present time, I am more feeling I just want to get on with my life. If my marriage is a train wreck, just deal with it the best I can, and get on with paying attention to other things. At the present time, I have been spending a number of hours a week trying to figure how to improve my marriage. Maybe I shouild just let it go as best it can, and don't worry about it till it fails utterly.

Many of the posts responding to my threads, assume that I am a bad person with a good wife, and that my wife is a good person. I don't come on the board to bash my wife. I am just trying to improve things, one way or another.

Ideas?

Last edited by Senator_H; 12/04/05 08:27 PM.
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Dear Senator_H,

I am not willing to answer these questions...
What are your suspicions?
What are good motives?
What are bad motives?

...because there has been no direct answer to these questions...
Have you ever posted at Marriage Builders under a different name(s)?
What year did you start posting?

I was honest and upfront about my reasons for asking. If you decide to answer those questions, I will answer yours. This is not necessary in order for me to answer your questions, but I would be interested to know why you are asking those questions before I answer them.

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Dear Longhorn,

By Limited affair, I mean an affair that is a fairly well kept secret. This would be compared with an affair that is blatant, where many people know about the affair. Also some affairs involve the cheating spouse spending considerable time with the Other Person. So that is the reason for terming the affair "limited." If you feel that thread title is misleading, I would be interested in any suggestions you might have in making the thread title more clear.

Ideas?

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Dear Cinderella,

It is only a wound if I allow myself to feel hurt by my wife's indiscretions. Exposure is one path to a cure. Any other manageable crisis come to mind to bring the issues to a head, or positive resolution?

I am entering a new phase in my marriage, where the marriage has been stable for some years, with my wife apparently cheating occasionally. Many marriages experience infidelty. Much infidelity is dealt with through denial. I feel I need to develop a cogent philosophy on my marriage, so that I can get on with my life, one way or another. I am seeking alternative strategies to limit infidelity.

Ideas?

Last edited by Senator_H; 12/04/05 08:25 PM.
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Another Possible answer to someone suggesting infidelity of my wife, causing me embarassment and fear:

FRIEND: Did you ever think your wife might be cheating on you?

SENATOR: I have wondered about that. Thank you for sharing your concerns with me. You may wish to keep your supsicions secret, so as to protect the honor of myself and my wife. On the other hand, one of the best ways to stop an affair, is to bring the indiscretions to everyone's attention. Do you see advantages to one approach over the other?

Ideas?

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Senator-

What is your PLAN for ending the infidelity in your marriage?

You seem to me to be quite willing to allow it to continue as long as no one finds out.

Given that someone that you don't want to find out WILL someday find out (as I'm sure you've figured out yourself if you have lurked here as long as you say), I'd say that you would best be served by taking action against the affair(s) instead of condoning them with your silent cooperation.

Only you can decide what/how much you can live with. I personally don't see any options other than taking active steps to end the affair or continuing to support your wife's affair(s) with your silence.

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Let's drop the pseudo-intellectual…toro pooh-pooh. Your wife is either cheating or she’s not. You need to find out which. You don’t have any self-respect, much less the honor you speak of, if she is cheating and you allow it to continue. Embarrassment? So what? The humiliation being heaped upon your forehead makes you LESS embarrassed now? Fear? Of what? Divorce? Guess what? People survive that all the time. I can’t believe you want to live with the disrespect your spouse is, or might be, showing you. That’s a marriage? Nope…no way. Come on, guy. Get off the spot and take some positive steps to save your marriage if you can. If you can’t save it, you will have tried. You WILL come out the other side intact.

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Senator_H,

If I understand what you are trying to do, I do not think most people can logically reason within themselve for exceptence.

But I have come to some conclussion's that there are something's that are better off left to the lie.

As far as talking from or to other, you might want to consider what is the most likly action or lack of action by other's. I think it is very common for people to turn a blind eye in reguard's to infidelity.

If you ask people "what would they do if they found out a friend was involved in a A"? most would answer "nothing", they may feel uncomfortable around that person, but many would view it as not being any of their buisness, they would stay out of it.

I am not grouping anyone on MB in that group, people here are well spoken for.


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