This is just a question I'm asking for honest answers to. I"m not sure what it proves other than I'll probably be alone forever. I truly do feel like I'm walking all alone in this world sometimes.

But if you met a woman and she explained that her reasons for waiting were biblical, would you be willing to wait until marriage to have sex?

LL

Absolutely - I would if she was the person I am looking for.

It would be a good idea though for the couple to discuss their expectations and needs on that matter BEFORE the marraige.

Yes LL, we do exist.

I basically share your beliefs, that God created sex to be shared between husband and wife and anything outside of that is a sin. I am just re-entering the dating world, and I am dating a wonderful lady who shares my belief. But even when both the man and woman have the same goal, it is very difficult. Both of us were married previously and I know we have both felt very frustrated at times knowing what the natural progression of physical intimacy leads to, but we have managed to maintain our boundaries so far. We have only been dating a couple months and I know as the relationship progresses it will be harder and harder to put the brakes on, but I do feel that is what God wants of me.

Now I don't think that sex outside of marriage is any worse that any other sin, but like you've said in your other post, to knowingly and willing continue sinning is dangerous ground to tread.

Keep your chin up, there are many men out there who would share your beliefs and be willing to work with you to maitain your boundaries. You just haven't found one yet.

Hope this helps,

G.

Not me. For me, it is way too late to find out after marriage if there are sexual incompatibilities, aversions, issues, etc. Sure, you can talk about it before hand, but talk is cheap, as we all know.

I like to avoid intimacy early in the dating relationship, because it does cloud my vision, but the idea of marriage without intimacy scares the heck out of me.

AGG

If I was a single guy, I doubt that I could wait. It would be an extremely hard sell for me to go along with that.

Not necessarily because I am simply incapable of waiting (even though the excruciating wait might be a deal breaker in itself), but rather when a women waits too long in a relationship to be intimate, then weird things start to float through a guy's head:
(1) is she afraid of intimacy? Does she have some emotional baggage which will interfere with future lovemaking? I want no part of that!
(2) what is wrong with me? Why does she not want me in? Am I doing something wrong?
(3) Is she purposefully delaying intimacy? If she does this now, then she'll surely play these games during our relationship.
(4) does she have zero or very low interest in sex? Will I be able to be happy in such a relationship?

If I was 100% convinced that she is the one, and a wedding would be in a foreseeable future, and IF she has a VERY, VERY good reason why she would have to turn me down, then I'd probably go along with her and wait. All of the four sets of above mentioned questions would have to be resolved to my satisfaction.

I second the motion...sex is an outgrowth of a COMMITTED relationship and a NATURAL progression for men and women.

I gotta say though LL...your faith is a BURDEN to you. Where is your JOY of being in faith? You seem to be a fairly sexual woman and this denial of a BASIC human need is not healthy IMHO

I am an agnotic and I talked with a female minister and she had a LOT to say about people who wear their faith like an anchor around their neck. No beer, no dancing, only fish on Friday's, no pants on women...where does it end? All of these man-made restrictions are stifling and NOT based in Scripture.

Does that give Christians the license to have numerous one-night stands? NO!! Does it mean that a COMMITTED couple should not enjoy the GIFT that God has given humankind? Of course not!

There is no convincing evidence that ANYONE will burn in ****** for having sex within the confines of a committed relationship. I'd love to hear Jesus explain that one as the couple heads out to their existence outside the presence of God.

If it is written, I'd love to hear Book and Verse...too many people INTERPRET what they think the Bible should say.

This is the reason that I doubt His existence...too many people reading things into the Bible and making their lives miserable because of it.

Even if He exists, how would I discern which version of Christianity will send me to Heaven.

Something to think about...

Be well LL...find some joy and peace in your life.

WNB

when a women waits too long in a relationship to be intimate, then weird things start to float through a guy's head:
(1) is she afraid of intimacy? Does she have some emotional baggage which will interfere with future lovemaking? I want no part of that!
(2) what is wrong with me? Why does she not want me in? Am I doing something wrong?
(3) Is she purposefully delaying intimacy? If she does this now, then she'll surely play these games during our relationship.
(4) does she have zero or very low interest in sex? Will I be able to be happy in such a relationship?
So assuming the sex is good (is there any other kind?) and all these issues are settled prior to marriage, you will stick thru the marriage under any/all other circumstances?
After all, until you have done somethin with a person, you do not really know what you will do?
In this instance, sex seems to be the biggest & most important part of the relationship that you would not marry unless you had it, so all other things are "less important"?

Does it mean that a COMMITTED couple should not enjoy the GIFT that God has given humankind?
And by "committed", you mean a marriage is actually planned in the near future, yes?

Really cracks me up when people say they want to live together to see if they are "compatible".
Marriage is a commitment to making it work. If you are not compatible in soem way, you do what you have to, to get compatible.

WHnowBS,

First, my faith, or a product of it, is something I definitely am struggling with right now. I know in my mind that God wants the best for me. That is difficult at this moment because yes, I guess for lack of putting it any other way, I am a fairly sexual woman in terms of frequency that I would desire it and in terms of enjoying putting a little spice into it. So the thought of perhaps never again experiencing it is hitting hard...perhaps harder than it does for someone who really doesn't care one way or the other if it happens or not.

However, my obedience to God must come before my own desires if they are contrary to one another, and right now, they are. The verse (actually, there are several, but here's one):

"Do you know the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral (translated "fornicators" in the KJV and "fornication" means sex outside marriage), nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

one more...

"If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sin is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgement and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God." (Hebrews 10:26-27)

LL's Interpretation: the first verse tells us it's wrong to have sex outside marriage and that people who continue to do it are deceiving themselves if they think they will really see Heaven. I have trouble reconciling this sometimes to my beliefs of salvation--maybe it means that a person who willingly does this without any problems with it really was never saved at all. Not sure on all that yet.

But the second verse tells me that because I DO know it's wrong, if I continue in that sin (or any other sin) deliberately and willfully, without caring that God says it's wrong, repenting and asking for his help to change, there is nothing that is going to save me. It's like thumbing our nose at God if we don't like what he says, and doing things our way. And he's saying DON'T DO IT!

Christianity isn't easy...and goodness knows it's been a struggle for me. Maybe it's because God is still trying to get me totally yield myself to him and I'm so stubborn.

But that's my take on things.

No. Not everything revolves around sex. There is a large number of reasons why a guy would not marry a woman: incompatible ideas and views about money, family values, kids, sex, careers, household set up, etc. But just like a couple should be compatible on their view point if, for example, they’d be more comfortable with a having a large family as opposed to have no kids, or live in city as opposed to on a farm, so they should be compatible in the intimacy arena. If there is no intimacy prior to the marriage, then it will be simply be harder for the couple to judge if there will be compatibility after the wedding.

Thus, if a women chooses to wait for sex until after the wedding, she really must take the proactive role in expressing her views on sexuality to her fiancé so that they may judge their sexual compatibilities.

AG,

I don't disagree with your "communication" statement. I am just as leary of meeting a guy who might have some hangup or issue. I would want communication to make sure we agreed on the basics of what we needed in a marriage. Little things can be tweaked as you go, but there are certain necessities.

However, it all hinges on honesty anyway. My "ex" and I, before I became a Christian, had quite an active before-marriage sex life. We were very compatible in that area. The problem was, we weren't compatible in many other areas, and once we got married and started to grow apart, and then I became a Christian, and he continued down his spiral of alcoholism, his resentment built to the point that he refused sex for weeks and often months at a time with me. Would I have guessed that because of how he was before we were married? Nope.

But my take, in being around guys, is that for most it's not so much of the compatibility issue they're afraid of, but that they just really want sex and when they're in a relationship, it's something they aren't willing to do without.

LL

Look, there are so many things that can go wrong with marriage. Just as you take work seriously, or college seriously, you need to take marriage seriously. Picking the appropriate marriage partner is probably the single most important decision that a person will make in his/her life.

A person really needs to try to marry a person who is compatible with him/her as much as possible. Obviously there will be things where there are areas of incompatibility, on which the couple must work on, but it makes no sense to marry just anyone, and then try to resolve any difference later. Why make it hard on oneself? No, love nor “trying to get compatible” will not simply prevail over serious enough differences between the partners.

LL, I understand what you are saying. Yes, I’d tend to agree, that a guy would probably not consider someone a GF if they do not sleep together. To a guy it would be: what’s the point of GF if there is no sex? No, it isn’t pretty.

However, I think that a guy might wait for sex until he is married, if all of my previous queries are traversed, and otherwise he knows that she is the one for him. “OK, we’ll wait, because I respect your beliefs, but I really have to make sure that we are sexually compatible.” With a fiancee for a guy there is a goal-line of having sex with her after they get married; with a GF no such goal-line exists. In other words, being a fiancée is simply a prelude to a relationship, whereas having a GF is a relationship. In a way it is pretty weird, since we think that a fiancée is a closer relationship than a GF.

LL, judging from your posts, I think that you should not be worried about if a guy wants sex or not, but whether he has the same view on life as you do. Namely, he should have the same passion for Christ as you do. If you find such a man, he’ll probably then have similar view points on pre-marital sex as you do, thus your concerns if a guy wants to have pre-marital sex or not will become moot.

Lordslady,

There is also another reason to withhold sex before marriage and that is that pre-marital sex can 'blind' the lovers to other equally important issues like finances, family, career choices, openness, shared values, to name a few, that can have an even greater impact on the health of the marriage. Besides, even a lousy lover can become a good one if he/she has the willingness, openness, and patience to learn. A man who enjoys romancing his W by giving her attention, affection and admiration that are not a prelude to sex, will have a very happy lover for many years to come.

Lastly, never settle for less otherwise you may find yourself back in the same situation you were in your previous marriage. Better to live by a dream than live by a lie.

TMCM

"Besides, even a lousy lover can become a good one if he/she has the willingness, openness, and patience to learn."

This is true, IF he has the willingness. LL - Don't want to threadjack, but this has been on my mind.

My WH and I, being committed Christians, did not have SF until we were married. It was a HUGE disappointment for me. He is a quick (and I mean quick) and lazy lover. I tried to talk to him about it, and things never got better.

I did decide to stay married and just accept it.

My fear is that I don't want to get in that situation again. I would prefer to wait, but don't want to get stuck.

I think the compatibility issue is interesting. Chris posits that we can make ourselves compatible, which is what Dr. Harley writes as well.

Yet, I don't think that has proved the case in my life. My X and I were so incredibly incompatiable that he didn't even agree with me on that issue. We lived life differently, we had different values, and we had different views of the world. I mean we framed events entirely differently.

That meant that not only did we have little every day skimishes and rubs, but when we discussed what was happening, it was like we were talking about two completely different marraiges.

For us to become compatible, one or both of us would have to become completely different people. I tried that and almost went crazy.

And I agree with AverageGuy. If you find someone you are really compatible with, he'll probably want to wait too. Granted there aren't that many men out there who want to wait, but there aren't that many women either. LOL. And, so what, you won't be in mild dating relationships very much, but the ones you are in will be more likely to succeed because you have some key commonalities.

My X and I were so incredibly incompatiable that he didn't even agree with me on that issue. We lived life differently, we had different values, and we had different views of the world. I mean we framed events entirely differently.
If this is so, why did you date him, get engaged and eventually get married?
You were so incompatible, you thought it HAD to work out?

This is what you are supposed to be doing while dating.
Finding out about the other person, seeing how they act & react, what their thoughts, wishes and dreams are, what they like/dislike and on and on.

I'm sure there are more than we think guys able to do this.

As a woman, I could too, but I would not.
I could not say (again) 'till death...' if I don't know to-be-my man in EVERY aspect of life.

To the ladies,

How can a man and woman find out if they are sexually compatible before marriage?

To my W and I, sex encompasses more than just intercourse. What does sex mean to you?

TMCM

I agree...and I can't imagine there are a whole lot of men who would wait. I think those that would wait are the minority...not to say that's good or bad...it's all a personal choice. I don't believe I'll go to h*ll for having premarital sex...there are bigger sins than that out there and I'm not even convinced premarital sex is a sin. It's all in how you choose to interpret the words of the bible.