Stella:

While involved in an A, your WH WILL NOT WANT YOU...

I did a highly effective PLAN A...Lots of of the time it clearly bothered my H that I was improving as a person and as a wife..he couldn't find reasons to rationalize and to justify continuation of his A...

Have you read up on PLAN A....

Stella, unless you FIGHT for your M, your situation is HOPELESS...

Do you want to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE or TO CONTINUE TO FEEL HOPELESS? You will need to develop a PLAN..which will take HARD WORK...NO MIRACLES...

I don't mean to sound cold. I really don't.

It would be a MIRACLE for you to show up and expect a WH involved in an A to act like your H once again...

I'm saying for you to visit him as a testimony to your desire to work on your marriage...

This would give you the opportunity to do PLAN A...




I totally disagree with this...

You certainly can CHOOSE to move on...but you don't have to...

Indeed. If you feel this is right. If you feel he is worth it. At the worst, you'll need this stage of "recovery" as part of your "closure". Like I said in my previous ramblings here (somewhere), I am non-empathetic, so I have little time to grant approval to such lost causes. Love is something that should be cherished, not brushed off casually, and without thought, and those that have been scorned without cause, should move on to one who's deserving of ones' love. Love is sacred, and shouldn't be "fought" for. It should be given... and received/reciprocated... freely.

Endless:

I try to encourage folks to use the MB approach who can't profit from the coaching of the Harleys..

Where are you getting your ideas?

It's a blend of the resources found here and simple practicality. I don't mean to undermine the valuableness of your wisdom or this sites', but directing someone into the path of years of discomfort or paranoia is hardly sound advice, regardless of its' intent. I feel this woman should maybe (for the sake of her sanity and esteem) move on if that is what she wishes. I am only offering, as a person who's been hurt before, advice on what is facing her, and what to expect. Presumably she's young, and there's NO need for her to fight for leftovers.

I will defer any other posts not directly posted to me, to the experts in any case.

Letting go is easier said than done. Right now, I want to do what it takes to save my marriage. I do believe the distance made it easy for him to have an A.

I am fighting for my marriage, and he knows it. The last time I went to go visit him, I did plan
A, but it was hard because I dont have any friends or family there that I felt really alone. He wasnt mean to me or anything, I just felt lonely. But, if it means reconnecting again and potentially salvaging my marriage, I would do it again. Endlesshorizon, I know you believe it is a lost cause, but I dont feel that way right now. I agree with alot of what you said, though.

Stella:

Just viewing your situation, strategically, developing a PLAN, it seems to me that you need to spend as much time as possible with your H...

This MBing stuff is not for SISSIES...

You will need to tolerate LONELINESS and more...SORRY...

I say get yourself THERE...

MARK YOUR TERRITORY...THE MAN IS YOURS....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stella,

I am not one of the wise ones here thats for sure, but let me tell you please follow the advice you get from Mimi, Orchid other wise ones.

Mimi has been my inspiration and I have follwed her advice with a few slip ups but all in all she is batting 1000 for me. She has been on the money with my sitch.

I am not in recovery yet and may not get there who knows but Iwill tell you I am a lot stronger and moving forward while waiting for my WH to come to his senses. Now if he never does I now know I can make it.

Yes these plans are to help end the A but most importantly they are for YOU to heal and become a stronger person. Of c ourse we all cme into them with the one goal of getting our spouse back but while doing this you come to realize you are important and learn to stand for yourself.

Good Luck to you Stella.. I know its hard and you hurt but please read all the info you can and listen to the vets.....


Hurting

Mimi,

I will go and visit, but what do I say when he says, "I dont think it's a good idea you come here."

I have a week off for the holidays, so I can visit then.
Also, my MIL wanted me to ask you guys if would help if she invited him for Christmas. She originally had not planned on it so he could spend it by himself. He usually always comes home for Christmas.

Good. That's the fuel you need to fight. If you think it's hopeless, then it is indeed. And no, I reread my post, I'm sorry to imply to you that it's a lost cause, it's not obviously to you. It only is when YOU say it is. I would have given up long ago, but others here will help you fight the good fight that you KNOW is right. That's what it really boils down to. Fighting for something YOU believe in. Again, good luck. I will follow this thread with interest.

Stella:

The key is to NOT FOCUS ON HIM. He is a fog-brained WS.. He is liable to say and/or do any stupid thing... It will freak him out, of course, for you to come visit.. He wants to tell himself that you do not care. He wants all the time he can have with the OW... He will see you as messing things up for him..taking him from his DRUG SOURCE...

Your job is to focus on yourself and what you need and want to do...Clean the apartment/house? Wash his clothes? Cook a special meal? Holiday CDs playing? Light, airy conversation...no R talk....

Is the OW also a resident,BTW?

I say, of course, your MIL should invite him for Xmas..

He would not spend it alone..otherwise...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mimi.

Heres another question for you guys:

WH has stopped calling on a regular or daily basis. Should I start calling him instead. It seems we always start talking about the relatioship. Then he will say he wants to file, and I get upset. That is why I stopped calling him. Any suggestions?

No, this OW is not a resident. She doesnt work at his hospital. She thinks we are separated, and that my WH is in the process of filing. Initially, I had suspected that is what I H had been telling her. So, I called her and left her a message saying we were still married, and we weren't legally separated or divorced. That got her upset, and since then my marriage has been going further downhill. I talked to my H 2 days ago, and he was at the hospital, and he said he wanted to talk about us, and would call me back when he got home. He never called, so I called him this morning and left a message to call me back. So what do I do when he starts talking about the relationship and D?

My H is pretending to be a bachelor; goes out EVERY weekend and gets drunk. He never was this way before. And it bothers me alot, but cant do much about it.


Thanks for all the wonderful advice.

The key again is you maintaining control of yourself..not letting him take the lead...

I would call and even leave messages when you KNOW THAT IS NOT AVAILABLE....

"Just calling to hear your voice".....

When he starts talking about the R...say.."Gotta go now...talk to you later, sweetie..."

Send those "Thinking of you" cards....

The reason that I asked about her profession is because that's what you and your H have in common..

Also, I was wondering if she is a Golddigger....might want to throw out such hints to him....

Don't have anymore contact with her..this is between YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, like I said previously, make yourself unavailable to him if you really want to proceed. The reality of YOU seperating from HIM may shock him back to his senses.

However, I still wouldn't count on it. I still say don't bother... he ain't worth it stella27. You seem like a caring individual, someone who shouldn't be wasting their time on the likes of him.

Normally if I feel someone has hope of reconciliation, I won't post, but in your case, I don't think it wise. Why bother? You're young. Chalk it up as a lessoned learned... He's a loser.

Stella:

I would recommend the opposite of this.

It is important for you to make yourself as available to him as possible right now to do PLAN A...

PLAN A then PLAN B...



I don't understand the point of this...

This is your H, Stella...You made the decision to marry each other...

Working on your marriage should never be considered a WASTE OF TIME...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I love my H very much and if I thought he was a loser, I would not be here trying to save my marriage. Yes, I think what he is doing is wrong, but I want to at least try to make my marriage work.

Now,... I am going to go tell my parents tomorrow. My inlaws are comming over to help me do it. I am going to try to do the best plan A I can, if and when he decides to call.

Mimi, ....Yes, I think she is a golddigger, and so do my inlaws. They have openly told my H this. They have been a great support for me, and have made my WH feel miserable. My H was VERY close to his family prior to this A. They used to talk every other day. They told him that he will never step foot in their house while he is with the OW. My SIL has stated that she will not allow her children to see WH and OW.

I hope we can make this work. He has 6 months left of his residency. We are supposed to be looking for a job soon. Hopefully, he wont decide to stay there.

Stella

Stella:

Remember. Don't wait for HIM to call. Plan A is about being PROACTIVE... PLAN B is about WAITING....

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Stella:

I am a man of "practical" nature, so while I may not be of any use to you in "marriage building" I can perhaps help in other ways. I have a few professional questions for you if I may.

As a matter of practicality, I assume you meant that your Cheater Husband has 6 months of fellowship left right? You did say Cardiology Fellowship right. He has done three years of Internal Medicine already right?

It is already mid December, most July graduates are in the phases of contract negotiation right now. We are interviewing July start candidates now. It takes a lot of time to get Licensed (if you are moving states) and even longer to get Medicare and Insurance Plan credentialed...which you and him will need if you want to acually be paid for working.

What is the hold up? I don't say this to "stress you out" more, but just out of genuine curiousity. The best candidates are jockeying for jobs RIGHT now, you can't let your Wayward Husband dictate your professional future when he can't be trusted to make sound and rational decisions right now. You can always turn down a job in the end, but if you sit around waiting for your WH to get "his act together" you 'll be left with the slim pickings or jobs in Plainville Texas.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am happy to hear that you are telling your parents tomorrow. This may end up speeding up your cheaters affair, as it will bring increase pressure and shame to him. You are lucky in the sense that you have such good suppport from your inlaws.

Goodluck with this.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I see your point here, Lemonman...

But there are many points when one must decide what's more important, job or family?

True..her H is a Wayward now...

However, maybe Stella wants to work on your marriage right now, giving that her main priority...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm. Are you a goldigger yourself stella27? Why do you insist on pursuing this guy so much? Sorry, I just don't understand why you'd want to fight for this guy!? He's your husband, but he's trampled all over you! Oh right... he's a Cardiac Specialist... LOL Really, it won't matter in the scheme of things what he is in the end... he could be a pauper, and the result would be the same. He's not worth it in my opinion.

it's PLAINVIEW-homajimmahdean, you yankee DAWG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />