Well, I have not been on here in a long time. I do not recognize most of the people on here, wich is sad, 1- that I do not follow the board much, and 2- that there are so many new people affected by infidelity.

I am back on because I am having alot of old emotions resurfacing. I thought I had beaten them through counseling. but the closer I come to the anniversary date, the more I think of last year.

I find myself going backwords and I don't like it. All those same thoughts and feelings.

Is this normal? When might I expect them to go again?

The past summer and fall have been ok. We are still together. We don't talk about her A at all. I don't really want to at this stage, but it creeps up on me and affects my day to day. I don't know what I am going to do on the 20th. Christmas is not the same in my heart anymore. To me it is just time off from work. I didn't even decorate this year. Christmas has always been my favorite. but it feels different this year.

I won't ramble, you get the jest of my mindset. Hope this all passes. or does it reacure each year?

Thanks for your ears!!

HNH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

come on guys, I know there are people with ideas. Don't want to get lost in the pages. What are your thoughts?

I can say from witnessing my poor BS in recovery (20 mo from D-day) (I am the FWS)--this is a real rollercoaster!!! You sound normal to me, expecially reaching the 1 year mark and the triggers that the holiday season may bring. Courage to you.

Some people say it takes a minimum of 2 years to reach some state of “normal” so your thoughts are to be expected.

I do hope the both of you are working on recovery rather than just “letting recovery happen”. I hope both of you have explicitly and recently committed to recovery and that both of you are clear of each others commitment. I also hope you two have a common and agreed strategy (such as MB). Recovering from an affair is serious and doesn’t just happen.

I also hope you two realize that professional help is required. At the least couples workgroups and sessions that both show each other commitment and keep you on track.

I guess you will always trigger in December. My suggestion is that you try to isolate the trigger to the 20th. and “bury” it after that date. That way you will acknowledge the trigger, handle it and get it over with.

Hurtn, I know what you mean about the Christmas season. We are just a bit away from 1 year anniv. I am SO not into Christmas this year and I am usually a freakin' Martha Stewart! I even got a fake tree this year which is bugging even me....seemed appropriate somehow, tho <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I am hoping for some kind of Christmas miracle and pray that God will send me some kind of special sign that I will be happy again. That sounds a little dramatic as I write it!!
We had to put down our beloved Golden Retriever this week and the anger I felt toward God and my H tells me that I have a long way to go in this journey. I just can't believe the timing of it. Certainly God could have spared my DD (her dog, she shopped for and paid for the dog) the pain of losing her buddy right now....and it just made me more pis*ed off at H because of what he did...that she would not be hurting as badly if hehadn't had A and made our family's life so crappy this year. Poor us.....blah,blah,blah...
As for YOU....we counsel with SH and he says the first TWO years are the most difficult...later mostly because of the "anniversaries". All those things and situations in which we compare where we were and what we were doing, or mor importanly what WS's were doing a year ago are going to be hard, hard, hard, It sounds like you are just doing that reliving and reflecting thing to me. I know I dread our dday Anniversary. What a joyful occasion THAT will be. There is NOTHING easy about this is there, Hurt.
Infidelity sucks.

Makes you wonder if you should have walked away and not ore hurt. I have wondered the same thing -is this all worht it? I underatnd exactly where you are at. It stinks. I just hold my head up and go on.

Yes, I sometimes wonder if I should have just left, But I still Love her. If I walked out, I would be done with relationships. Who is to say the next wouldn't be the same.

I can't stop wondering how she feels and thinks about this time of year.

We don't talk about it now, we have been going through MC all year, now, I am finishing up the last few meetings myself. The MC will have her come in if needed, And she will come if asked. It is just me that wants to continue through this month.

What are the average thoughts of FWW at 1 year?

I know I have normal thoughts, But just want to get rid of them.

For me the one year brought tears, anxiety. I was so down. I did tell my exWh and he was a comfort. I even wrote him a letter stating a way for him to get out of our M with a get out of jail card for him. He did not want that at all and reassured me that I was it. That did help. I think it is best to let them know you are having a hard time. It helps when they are supportive.

HNH...
I am nearing the two year mark of discovering my ww's (of 22 years) 6 year EA/PA with her former fiance...and I wish I could tell you it is a lot easier now...but we (I) seemed to have done better last year than this...in our case, I know that we haven't worked through much of anything other than committing to each other that we want to stay married. So the MC is probably the right approach...we don't discuss the A...in fact, she denied it...so, we still have a lot of work do ourselves...but a lifelong commitment takes a lot of work and time, doesn't it? I will pray for your peace, if you will do the same for me brother...Moondog

Hang in there. Recovery is the toughest part. I didn't recover my marriage, and at 3 years, I'm finally over it.

I do suggest that you try to reclaim the good things in life and not let them continue to be a victim of the affair.

Moondog, I'm with ya. thanks

I am hanging as well as I can, Things are going well in the M. I don't want it to come across otherwise. Just have triggers that are happening, and it is affecting me more than I had planned. I knew they would be there, I just wanted to handle them better.

I thought of writing a letter, but I don't want to put the thought of him in her mind if in fact she is not thinking of it.

Although it was a clean break, she thought fondly of him, she did not leave hating him. Wether she left hating what happened, well, I guess I will never know. I know she is still with me, and we have made some long term plans, so I don't see her leaving in the distant future.

I just don't like them still in my mind.

HNH...
I am sure that you would agree that it's a feeling of complete vulnerability like one had never experienced before...when the world seemed to be crumbling around you...you thought, well at least I have my wife by my side...and then, behold...she's may be there physically...but emotionally devoted to someone else...Ouch...Raw Pain...all would agree that those feelings don't easily subside. I've had good days and bad days...days of overwhelming doubts and fears...days and nights of painful memories and images breaking through the back of my mind. But I love her...I know she loves me...maybe not as much as the OM? I don't suppose that I will ever know...but I couldn't bare thinking about not growing old with my w...so, I will "gut" out the pain and continue striving to be a better man, husband and father.

HnH,

It's great to see you posting. Appears to me that you are still taking care of yourself by being here.

"I thought I had beaten them through counseling. but the closer I come to the anniversary date, the more I think of last year."

Sounds like you have an expectation that your emotions are something to be fixed, overcome or changed. I believe we don't control our emotions--they are information. What we learn to control is our reaction to them. You're in the same season, same environment as a year ago, so your emotions get handed to you like it is happening now (when it isn't). I just went through this in August/September...and truly, still, since the last ILY from H to OW was 12/2 and tomorrow, 12/15 is the day my H decided to commit to marriage. I do understand. Since mine was so spread out, I think I can help you with this.

You're doing the first step brilliantly--you're acknowledging your feelings. Very cool. And you've linked them to the dreaded upcoming date, the weather and activities, all occurring again. The next step is to share them with your wife. Just telling her, "Here's what I'm feeling" is all that you have to do. Well, that and bear them as they inform you, huh? Part of grieving is feeling what you're feeling, acknowledging them and letting them come and go. It helps our emotions balance with our reality--this happened. It did. It's not happening again, just feels like it. It is now past. This is present. If there are other similarities besides the environment...if you two are not being intimate with each other about your thoughts and feelings nearly daily, then what was all the pain for last year? How is today really different from last year in your marriage? You've made a lot of changes, right?

This is what urged me to write to you. You said:

"I can't stop wondering how she feels and thinks about this time of year."

Why do you wonder? Why don't you ask? Do you guys do communication exercises weekly? Do you volunteer your thoughts and feelings with each other, feeling safe with your wife and vice versa? Everything Harley suggests is to build a better marriage after infidelity. Maybe a call to him would be a great way to start recovery year two?

As a FWW two years ago, I can tell you my thoughts at a year. Still self-disgust. It was a day I didn't want to remember. At second anniversary? One shudder of self-disgust and a sigh of relief that I won't ever have to worry about doing that again. I've worked through the whys, hows, made amends and finally understand it is a decision I make, not an accident that happens.

But as a BS, the triggers and emotions like it is happening all over again don't let up, just lose their intensity slowly, slowly, with a lot of communicating, weekly exercises and recreational time spent together. That is what has worked for us.

HnH, I'm so happy you chose to not leave your wife. When I was WW, I didn't feel loved. I didn't know that it was my own problems that I couldn't feel the love around me. Working on those issues to let me feel the love was important, but my H deciding to stay, to commit to the marriage, was invaluable to me to feel finally feel loved, all the way.

Breathe and relax as much as you can through next Tuesday. State how you're feeling and ask how she's feeling. You're in this together.

LA

HNH, I'm an FWW a little over a year into recovery. We're doing about as well as can be expected, but it has not been without its roller-coaster-eque-ness.

About the holiday, have you considered starting some NEW tradition? I don't know your family sitch, but maybe do something different, eat a different meal, try some special activity you haven't tried before... something. That's what we did last year (only two months into recovery) and while it didn't go exactly as I had hoped, it was still nice.

I don't know what we'll do this year. We've had a recent death on one side of the family and face a serious illness on the other side. Trying to focus on both a bereaved widow and a family stricken with cancer. Not sure how to balance it all.

HH,

I'd say that what you are experiencing is pretty much normal. I didn't even find MB until around 15 months past D-day and in my first post, was looking for reassurance that the rollarcoaster I was on was normal.

This is still very hard for me, but at least I don't spend everyday thinking about the betrayal and lies. My FWH and I do love each other, we do have a stronger marriage, and we know so much more about each other than we did before.

My FWH has done everything he can to reassure me and show me how important I am to him. I think his biggest regret regarding his A (and there are too many to actually count) is how deeply and permanently he hurt me.

It has been tough to accept that this will always be a part of us now. It doesn't have to tear us apart or ruin the rest of our lives, but it will always be a part of our past.

IMHO, the best way to move on is to finally accept that what happened, happened, it can't be undone no matter how badly you both want that. As long as you both understand what happened and why, you can move in to the future with a greater assurance that it won't happen again.

Good luck to you both.

Who

Loving, thanks for your words of wisdom. As strong as I feel, It is extremely hard for me to broach the subject about the A. She takes it as moving backwards. This has been the biggest obstacle in our recovery. Even in counseling. In my one on one with the C, she says that it is because my W can't beleive what she did, it was so far out of her characteristics that she can't relive it. So, she just moves on. We do work on our marriage, time together, going out. However, our communication is still our hardest part. It is hard for me to write exactly what I am trying to get out. I talk just as well.

G, We are going to Vegas this year with our 15yo. (his xmas gift)(his choice). This will be real different than the usual stay home thing.
Sorry to hear about your family issues. Hope you handle it well.

I think that some of my issues, is she does not do the things that I quess that I would do, or that people on hear do. I can't make her do things for me, she has to want to do it. When her family is around or we are with people she is great, almost a different person, Not that she is bad when they are not around, just different.
and Whome, well your last paragraph pretty much sums it up. and that is what I have to figure out how to do.

I go back to IC on Sat. We will see what happens.

catch up on more later. Thanks

As LovingAnyway said - why are you wondering? Don't you & your wife talk? Haven't you asked her about this?

My wife was similar. She made a clean break, NC now for only 3 months (seems like much longer) & we moved away from the OM, a next door neighbour. My wife left the OM while she still "loved" him. Those feelings do seem to be fading but I realistically don't or want for her to ever "hate" him.

We aren't too thrilled about the holidays either. It's hard to get excited after the recent events. But we are making an effort for the kids sake.

I couldn't help but respond to your Vegas trip. My H and I went for our anniversary in February--our first time there. This was while I was still waiting to find out if he believed he could love me again. I thought I would hate it. I minded my DJ's (even to myself) and kept an open mind. Guess what? We had both forgotten how much we enjoyed seeing new things together. It was a huge love deposit in both of our banks. We were awed (and walked until we dropped). I really hope this can be a great point for you both, also.

I'm excited for you. I can't imagine taking a 15yo son with you, but please look at it as a real opportunity for rejuvenation, if you've never been there and it's all new. I loved the Stratosphere's rides. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm surprised that your MC/IC isn't having you guys do communication exercises. Our communication was rotten--mine full of LB's (all of them), and his was non-communicative. We've been doing them twice a week now for nearly four months. They are amazing. You don't have to say anything earth-shaking, just how you feel, what's on your mind, and feel safe, because your spouse can't respond for 24 hours. Then you switch. They are great talking/listening (I was a terribly listener, I found out). Builds intimacy safely. If you want to know the steps, let me know.

And you do write well. Another poster here had verbal communication problems as well. What they did was to share a notebook. One would write something, the other would take it and read it, and write back. They kept it up daily.

See if your counselor can make an exercise your homework. I can't imagine anyone not doing that. (Basics to marriage building.) You've been in MC for nearly a year, right? I'm rather concerned. Have you considered counseling with the Harleys instead? There are a lot of bad counselors out there, and if this counselor seems to be approving that your wife doesn't own her actions, help you heal...well, I'm concerned. Especially about not assigning marriage building homework guides (Seven Principles of Marriage, etc.)

I do understand the problem of not knowing if she feels fondly for OM. That's a really tough one. I believe you can become so safe (not silent) to talk to, that eventually you'll find out she won't have any feelings (good or bad) about him. My H only reached the point of tellling me that last week.

You can always just example intimacy, too. Little "I" statements here and there form that path to communication. "I feel good when you hold my hand." "I enjoy your company." Just saying what you feel, simply, can do wonders. No judgments or assumptions. You can do this. No poetry required.

Moondog--my prayers for you, also. You've found the best sight for rebuilding your marriage. Stuff you can do without relying on her to change. Keep posting and your generous heart will lead you through this.

LA