Since the days of Adam and Eve men have not been privy to many of the things women are. As time went on women starting sharing information through a secret organization that men had heard of but could never prove existed. One of those secrets was recently discovered by me, a man who is an agent of the Men who are trying to figure out women and their secrets agency. For nearly 21 years I have been deep undercover trying to find the ultimate code that women have hidden for centuries, and like a modern-day Indiana Jones I have found the answer to which all men have been searching for… the secret to I love you but I’m not in love with you.

No man has ever been able to figure out what this means and live to tell about it. For years I would hear men talk about their girlfriends and how they got the I love you but I’m not in love with you speech. The puzzled look on their faces was enough to force me into finding the truth behind this saying. Was it real or just something women would say to confuse men even more than we already are? I had to know. So my journey began when I was 16 with my first girlfriend. Once she gave me the speech I immediately signed up to the men’s agency and became one of their top agents.

I’ve heard the speech from a few women but it was not until my FWW that I finally understood its true meaning. I spoke to her last night and whispered into her ear, “I finally get it.” She looked at me quizzically and stared into my eyes wondering what I meant. So I told her, “I now know what it means when a woman says I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

Her eyes opened big and she began to get nervous. She turned and walked away and asked what I meant. I told her what I know and she began to sweat. She ducked behind a corner but she failed to notice she was near a mirror. Through the reflection I saw her speak into what I believe was her secret decoder ring from the Secret Women’s Organization. To think, all this time I thought it was the engagement ring I gave her. I could not hear everything she said, but I now believe my life is in danger. Sources have told me that assassins have been dispatched to take me out before I reveal the secret to the agency that I am so proudly to be a member of.

Out of desperation I quickly wrote the solution down on the first thing I could find within my reach (which happened to be a feminine napkin) with the only writing utensil available to me (eye liner pen). The code was written and handed off to one of our top runners who would take this immediately to head quarters. As I saw him drive off I witnessed his car explode. The women were already on to me and were determined to not let the secret get out.

Now, out of desperation I come to this board so that all men can see the truth. No longer do we have to sit there in confusement trying to understand what women mean when they say this. I, one of the top agents in the Men who are trying to figure out women and their secrets agency, now offer the answer to one of the biggest secrets to men. The answer is…

Oh no. I think they found me. Hurry, I left a copy of the code under a table in the Italian restaurant near… (thud!)

Look in there quick and see if you can find out what "closure" means!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Since you mentioned Adam and Eve, do you know how to tell that Adam wasn't a sex addict? Well he has an almost naked woman next to him covered with just a few leaves and all he can think to talk about is the apple he just took a bite of.

Hopeful,

You my friend have trod where NO man should go...the inner workings of the female psyche.

I'll pass the sad news along to the fellows at the MWATTFOWATS lodge!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Hopeful - This might explain part of the problem - I borrowed it from another poster.

SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION

By Dave Barry

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
long-term stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a
guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys,
it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what
women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize
that,as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I
said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he
thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't
want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am
way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I
sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's
afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly
do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is
in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so
...''

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries
to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him
that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty
sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's
better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about
different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than
she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of
Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:

Huh?

Believer,

That was great. I especially like the part about... Hey!!! Is that a 67' Corvette?

Umm... sorry. What was I talking about?

Reminds me of our gang comedies

they had

The He-Man Women-Haters

" All your bases are belong to us"