Life is so strange... Who would ever have guessed that we would all be sitting here going through what we are going through... Sometime you gotta wonder whats going on upstairs.. Haven't had much contact with the W. She is off doing her own thing and the less I know... The better. I did briefly talk to her before the weekend and of course the one good sign was gone.... She had taken off her wedding ring. Man, how depressing is that. She did give me a belated birthday card ( wierd ? ) it wasn't much and it just said sorry about her timing for this whole thing ( regarding the proximity to my b-day ) and that she just wanted to get me a card. She also said it took her 3 weeks just to write those few sentences.<P>Well another tough weekend has past and I still haven't heard from her... I was thinking of calling her to ask her to lunch on our anniversary/her b-day this weekend ( we married on her b-day... she said that was always the best present she could ever had gotten ) What do you think ? Too soon ? She did mention that she is not speaking with the OM and that was her choice for herself... Can I believe her???? Time again will tell. <P>I try so hard to play this off as if it were no big deal but of course that only last a little while before I'm depressed again.<P>A very close friend of mine just said something which makes so much sense right now.. " If you love something set it free. Maybe it comes back maybe it doesn't but it doesn't really matter; loving it didn't make it yours. It just chose to share itself with you for awhile. Any time spent with something you love is a gift. "<P>Maybe it's time I give her the ultimate space and try to move on...If she comes back..Great, if not I'll allready be that much closer to realization that I'm alone.. <P>So enough rambling.... Also my apologies to all the folks whom I had been talking to for not responding recently.... I just don't feel like talking much about this anymore and I am so down that I don't have anything positive to say to others so I just decided to keep my mouth shut...... Sorry<P>Take care and thanks for listening... If you have any thought please let me know.. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Rutger (edited August 16, 1999).]

Hi Buddy<P>So sorry for your troubles. I say grab a couple of good buddies and head down to the local pub for a few cold ones. Think about being single, exercise, go on the hunt. Build this vibe of self confidence and strength. Either way you win with self confidence and strength on your side. Next time you do meet with W she will see the new (old) you, this is what she loved when you guys first met and started dating, this is also what she sees in OM. If she does not stick around, well you have what it takes to find another but at least you will be better prepared for long term relationships.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

Well I talked to her today and boy what a disaster..... I simply asked her to lunch for her birthday and she freaked.... Started saying that I was trying to still control her and that it's too soon for her.. We did some lovebusting back and forth and the end result was....... She wants out... A DIVORCE!!! I of course told her that is not what I wanted and that she would have to come to our home and tell me face to face ( not over the phone ) She never showed.<P>The conversation ended on me giving her a verbal plan b.. I told her that I would not call, write, or see her until she called me to tell me that she was willing to work on our relationship... We said " I Love you " to each other and hung up.... How confusing is that????? She still says she loves me..... I honestly don't know where to go..<P>She also told me to go see other people...Date. Should I ? Maybe that would kick her into reality a little bit... I know a few women who would go out with me. <P>Any ideas??? Anyone else as confused as I am ??? Rollercoaster....of love.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Don’t date unless you are divorced. I believe she would only use it to show you don’t want her back.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Rutger, I think she's trying to ease her guilt by wanting you do date. If you date, it gets her off the hook, and she can decide that you're "ready" to divorce her. If you still want to keep the marriage, resist that temptation. Believe me, there will still be an army of women when you're ready.<P>And if the worst happens, and you do divorce, do NOT rush into someone else's arms. I've read that you should give yourself a year after a divorce to heal before getting involved again. It's not fair to someone else to present a damaged package.<P>I think plan B is a good idea at this point. But what do I know?

Hi Rutger<P>I guess it's time to decide on whether you want her back. If you really want this person then Plan B is the way to start. Stick to your guns and do not let her have anymore of your time. See if she misses you and starts calling. In the mean time exercise, build your self confidence. Start socializing as a single man on the hunt but I would not suggest any relationship. Getting out to a few Night Clubs will do you some good.<P>Good Luck

Rutger,<P>I didn't have a chance to post yesterday when I first saw your post and now I see there as been new developments to this saga.<P>I understand about not knowing where to go. Last time I talked to H (before he was to be gone for 2 1/2 weeks) he tells me he loves me as we say goodbye. Then when he returns he call and tells me he has signed D papers and it's over! Confusing is right . It's like you don't know if you should hold on or move forward - I don't think they get how confusing it is for us to know..... And even after hearing that I still want to hold out and see if I can make him change his mind.<P>I don't think you should date right now. She may be looking for fault in you to ease her guilt. One of the hardest things she will have to do is tell other people (family & friends) what has happened (if you do end up going down the D path) and if it will help her ease her guilt by making it look partly like your fault, she will use that as an out.<BR>Throughout my whole mess I have made sure I haven't done anything that my H could point to me as a reason out. And he hasn't been able to and therfore the responsibility is his. <P>I also don't think her seeing you dating others would kick her into reality. If she feel as though she's causing all your pain and then she sees you happy dating she may think that by letting you go you'd be happier - and we all know that's not what you want .<P>Every post of yours I read and respond to makes me think more and more that our spouses are alike. As I reply I feel as though I should be taking the same advice I dole out. And I have tried..... who knows where life will lead us. <P>Plan B is a good place for both of you right now. You'll be able to put your time into taking care of yourself and she'll have time to think and miss you. <P>Keep working your way back up to the top of that rollercoaster <P>T2W

Toronto m 29,<BR>Thank you for your reply.. I think your right.. We have a couple of good pubs locally. No long term relationship ( or short term )<P>Chris and D & C,<BR>Thank you both, The guilt thing is accurate.. Your right about that. It would ease her guilt knowing that I went out and dated somebody.<P>T2W,<BR>It's scary how similar people can be. I take all the advice that I get and use it. I think you are right about letting her be alone. Hopefully she will miss me and relize what she has done. I see your point about dating and her thinking it makes me happy.. I would hate for that to backfire. <P>Thank you all for your replies.. It continues to help me through a most difficult time. I hope everybody realizes just how important this forum is to me. The insight and knowledge I am getting is outstanding.... Anything I can do to help you please let me know. I now know that leaving my W to herself is the best thing I can do... I also will not go looking for another women for the wrong reasons...<BR>Thanks again<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Rutger,<BR>Good suggestions from all who posted previously in this thread!<BR>I don't know how much you followed my saga in my posts, but W and I are divorced. Not what I wanted, but for the best... at least for now.<BR>I have been getting in shape./..lost 28 lbs...gained muscle, etc. This, among other things seems to have an effect on my W(ex).<BR>The other day when we were moving some of her stuff out, she made some comments to the eeffect of "You look good!" and noted other things that I am doing for myself.<BR>She also called me Honey, which is what we called each other durung better times.<P>I guess my point is that doing things for yourself are necessary. I spent too long trying to do things for US and neglecting myself. Now it seems as if doing things for myself is having SOME kind of effect on her attitude towards me. ( not sure what yet).<P>Also, you say that she said you were trying to control her. Maybe her seeing you doing things for yourself and not worrying so much about her (outwardly or in her eyes) will get her attitude to change some.<P>Disclaimer here: I don't pretend to have the answers or good advice...simply giving you my opinion from someone who has felt the type of pain you are feeling!<P>- Pain is weakness leaving the body!<P>Harley

Rutger, <P>It is probably of little consolation, but 9 months ago my W said many of the same things. We are rebuilding now. It's slow going. But, it is possible for your marriage to recover. Don't give up hope. <P>I think your W is trying to determine what she wants. The problem is she feels lost. I hope you have figured out what your role was in all this. That was key for me. From that I could work on me. I couldn't hope for her to change, but I knew I could change. So, it appears, as others have stated, that it's time to work on you. Plan B is probably a good one. When there is contact, remain loving and supportive of her. You are still her H and she will still be looking to you to see how you will handle yourself now. Any changes you want to make in your life, now is the time. <P>I know it looks bleak right now. Your W will start to consider life long decisions and your role is very important now. I made the decision that if my W really wanted out, I was determined to show her what she was going to miss. <P>Stay strong. Don't date. Work on you.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited August 17, 1999).]

Harley and SHA,<BR>Thank you both for your replies... I agree with everyone that it is time to work on me.. I am already getting in better shape than I was. I'm making an effort to look better and feel better. It is hard as you all know due to my mind being filled with thoughts of her all the time but I'm looking into new hobbies and interests to keep me occupied. <P>It seems that on the average the spouses who are left alone do make some small attempt to reconcile... This is the hope that is kind of keeping me going. I may be way off but I'm hearing a lot of positive stuff even between the lines of the hurt. Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there , I don't know. I feel sorry for my W that she has not found this web site so that she can recieve support like I have. She wouldn't go near it if I told her about it. I gave her my copy of SAA today and we will see if she reads it. I hope so.... Gotta run .. again thank you all...<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>