I am sooo upset right now. Tonight i say to H, well if we put so much away every month we will have enough by the end of the year to go away for xmas next year. He then decides to say "well you know im pretty much going to have to go to the carribean to my sisters wedding". I was visibly upset...i said and how do you expect to pay for this trip? its going to be alot of money in 3 months! He got all mad at me and is refusing to talk to me, saying im freaking out and he refuses to talk to me. I understand its for his sisters wedding...but he decides now to say "ya well ive decided to go" 3 months prior...when we have not put a cent away! We dont' have any credit cards, and it will have to paid with cash...and i just can't see how he is going to pay for this without directly putting us into a financial burden. He does not deal with the bills...i do...and he keeps saying...well we make enough money...even though every month it is like paycheck to paycheck for us! Not to mention that means no friggin family trip for us if he goes...im so mad right now esp since he refuses to discuss this with me. If you have read my other post you will realize all the crap with the monther-in-law about this too! we are going there for xmas and I KNOW this is going to blow up into something.
Ive decided to say whatever...go ahead...but he better not say a damn word when i and our 2 kids go on a trip without him in the summer...he will be spending MORE than his share of a family trip and there is no way we can afford to all go later. Im really fed up with him lately...I told him "this DOES involve me and this should be something that we should be discussing...and not a few months before you "decide" your going. THis affects us all...and he is being selfish!!!!!!! I know his mother has been on him to go, and im sure she has had many discussions with him alraedy about it...guilting him into it and putting me as the bad one.
Im upset also b/c this is not the type of person i want to be with...he's selfish...im ready to friggin say screw u go on your trip and dont' come back b/c ive had it...with everything...this is the straw that is breaking this camels back!

I am certainly no expert, except that I have lived it. I have no professional training in counseling, but a lot of "on the job training". Clearly him going on this trip is not the problem, but only a symptom of the real cancer killing your marriage. You must cure the illness not just fight the cold, if you want your marriage to survive.

Yes, I married a momma's boy. But there is a lot of information missing before any serious advice can be given.


How old are you and your husband? Do you have any children?
Especially the info about children is most important, because the decisions you make will be different if children are involved.

Remember that part of the advice you get, you are not going to like because it puts some of the responsibility back on you. This seems unfair, but it is merely the consequences of your choices. You choose this man to marry and/or have children with. So you have to start with yourself in finding a solution.

Again, more information is needed.

I am 40 and he is 39. We have two kids one 11 and one 16. There is alot more to the problems that is true...there are several...the major one him being verbal abusive to me and the kids. He has an explosive temper and he does not see it....really this is what is pushing me away, not to mention that he drinks and he does smoke pot, which i do not do.
I just see it more and more each day...this is not what i want. I want a partner who is a "partner". I want someone who wants the same things as i do. This is just so infuriating as i would think "our family of 4" would come before his family. We have been promissing our kids for years...saying yes next trip we take will be together...now i have to say to them...sorry daddy is spending the money on a trip...there will be no trip now. Plus for his mother to guilt him into going is just wrong...for it to be an expectation is just wrong. How can someone say to anyone...i expect you to go into debt to the tune of $3000-3500 to go to a wedding? One should expect that if they are going to plan to get married in a far away place that there may be poeple who can not afford it. I am just furious. I know for a fact she has been on him non-stop. i know that, u think he could stand up to her...never..My opinion will not count. even though it directly involves MY pocketbook....not to mention that 2 years ago he basically didn't work all year, then the next year he got a crappy job...paying nothing..then this year finally he got a decent job...which now is not even guaranteed and looks like there may be a lay off for a month. I have been the stable supporting person and to say i have no say...is just wrong. we have financially struggled for the last few years and we are slowly getting back. I believe it is irresponsible to go on a trip if it means you have to go into debt...what happens if something happens...an emergency debt? then what??/ what would we do then? he just doesn't get it...and im tired of it...im sooo tired of it. im tired of him verbaly abusing me and my kids, im tired of being made out to be the "bad" one on his side of the family...im tired of struggling...im emotionally and financially drained...and ive had it.

First, the problem isn't his mother, it is him. And since he has decided to go (or to let her talk him into going...really doesn't matter which) I'd let him figure out how to pay for the trip in the meantime.

Secondly, with verbal abuse, substance abuse, and an "explosive temper", I'm not seeing the upside of being married to him. This trip is not the core problem, it is the icing on the cake. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about the icing...fix the cake, or decide to toss it out. Focus on the real problems.

Good luck.

There is nothing that get me so upset as making promises to the kids and not fullfilling them - then rather no promises at all.
I agree with kam6318 - he must provide a budget to the whole family as to how he plan to finance this trip (with his own money) and how it will affect the household budget until this debt is paid and influence future holiday trips.

While submitting this budget it is his resposibility to explain to the kids why there will be no vacation for them - seeing that he is "stealing" future planned family holiday trip.
He must be held accountable to the whole family for his actions.

Hope it work out for the best for you and the kids.

Fedup,

His decisions affect the whole family - you're right about that.

I would, however, be weary of


because I can almost guarantee it will backfire.

I agree with the others that the trip is only a small part of what's going on. Would he agree to some counselling?

Are you ever around his mother and him and the "bride to be" at the same time?

If so, you would not be out of line to tell them that this is a trip he can not afford. Point out that if he takes this trip, he will be breaking promises to his children and putting his family in financial difficulty. And then ask them if they want to be responsible for guilting him into breaking his promise to his children and putting his family in financial difficulty? Then I would ask them to pay for his trip, if they want him there that badly. If they pay for it, let him go.