Okay, this is an urgent but quick request:

I got no email from said "guy" today for only the 2nd time ever, although I did send him a fairly superficial one. And he was very grumpy-sounding on the phone last night, though when I offered to let him go, he declined.

So, today, my lack of patience with this whole thing is making me want to just call him up, ask him what he's doing tonight, and if I can catch him at home...I'd drive the 115 miles to have a personal talk with him, because I hate conversing over the phone.

I'm not even sure what I want to say. I just want the truth--what's up with him. What he's thinking. If he really is avoiding. And if he feels like it would just be better to end things right now.

It's not what I want, but this is tearing me up, and I'm in limbo...I'm not really with him because he won't see me and says we're "on hold", but I'm not really free either.

So my urgent question (as in if anyone gets this by about 5:30 central time): Should I try and call him and go over and hash it out tonight? Or do I pace my house and do whatever it takes to just not call him at all or email until I hear from him again.

(The Xanax is no longer making me tranquil. It's driving me NUTS!)

LL

What will it accomplish????

(wondering what good our advice will do. We've suggested you not call him every night, but you still call him every night.... thus... his grumpiness i suspect)

Anyway...

Should I try and call him and go over and hash it out tonight?

no

Or do I pace my house and do whatever it takes to just not call him at all or email until I hear from him again.

if you must

No only no but heck no.... There is no positive in it... He said HE NEEDS TIME.... Even though he can't, show him that you can respect boundaries....

Call up your daughter and take her to King Kong tonight or something. E-mail Drita and get some more info about the church groups she talked about. Call a friend from high school that you haven't talked to in a long time. Make some Christmas candies. Get involved in a good book. I can think of about a million things that will have a positive influence on your night and for some reason Mr. Awesome Guy is not in any of them.....

PS... In all seriousness, have you been diagnosed with OCD? It's a very common trait amound alcoholics and their familiy members.... Knowledge is power...

No way. Don't do it.

If you do, you will regret it, and will hate yourself for doing it.

AGG

LL, he doesn't have the truth, so you're not going to coax it out of him. He can't answer your questions, because he doesn't know the answers. He's already told you this, but you want answers so badly and so immediately that you refuse to believe him.

Yeah, you're in limbo, and he's in limbo, and there are only two ways you're going to get out of it: either he is going to finally figure out what he wants, or you are going to break it off.

There is absolutely no possible good that can come of you driving over to see him. None. Zilch. Nada.

You've already sent another e-mail. Don't send another one.

If you want to prolong the status quo, then by all means call him. But I advise against that too. The world will not end if a daily habit is broken, and if you do not call he may get the idea that you are not as desperately clingy as you seem to be. Calling tomorrow night should be soon enough that he won't get the idea that you've written him off.

What part of LEAVE HIM ALONE don't you get?? How many times do the nice people here have to say it and does HE have to say it. JEEZ!!

If you haven't noticed I personally have stopped replying to you just because of this very reason. You ask our opinion, you don't like our opinion and then do what you want to anyway. I'm tired of wasting my time on you as horrible as that sounds.

GROW UP...GET A LIFE...& LEAVE HIM ALONE! (course you knew we would ALL say that...so run to the phone or jump in your car and drive him even futher away cuz you know you will anyways.)

I really don't understand why you say you are in limbo. From where I am sitting, he has given you an answer LOUD AND CLEAR. Leave the poor guy alone. If you would only do that, there is a small chance he would come back, but not as long as you are driving him crazy.

I still feel that you are friends with benefits as far as he is concerned, and it seems he demonstrated that in his one request for you to come see him.

What is it you have to "hash" out. You cannot make him say in words what his actions have been screaming. I don't even think he has been leading you on - just can't out and out tell you he is through.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

I don't think he thinks it's friends with benefits...I think he liked things just the way they were before she put the screeching brakes on. He can't live with HER decision so she should let him go and quit bugging him. She wants her cake and eat it too and life isn't like that. I feel like we are talking to a 14 year old girl rather than a grown woman.

Nevertheless, she's going to do what she wants to anyways as she's proven MANY times and eventually he'll resent her if he doesn't already. I'm betting on the latter but that's just a hunch.

If I were him I'd change my phone number and email address just so she would finally get a clue.

No, but I'm willing to bet my mother shows signs of it, as many times as she has to wash her hands and turn lights on and off. I'm not that, but all the fun little "tests" that therapists have had me fill out as I've had my daughter to them for her ADHD among other things point heavily to my being ADHD as well. It's just strange that I did so well in school and all, though. Makes it hard to believe, but I do show many, many traits like struggles with organization, inability to maintain my focus, and my mind jumping from thought, to thought, to thought and it's really hard to shut it down at times like this. But they've never gone so far as to suggest meds, I think because I've found coping methods that have allowed me to be successful in life in general.

I'm still at work--I haven't called him. I made sure to work long enough that there would be no way I could go over and make it worth my while. Now, how to not call at our normal 9-10pm time is still a struggle, but truly, I am trying! I know you guys don't think I listen. I just need it pounded in my head over and over sometimes. That's why I posted the "urgent" message. I knew left on my own, I'd be stupid because I'd reason my way into thinking it would do some good. I needed to hear it again.

It's my heart--it hurts bad. I miss him very much. I miss the good times. I miss being able to look forward to our next call, or our next get-together. I miss being able to look forward to being held and feeling for a little while like life was calm and good and that I was special to someone, and that he was special to me--something I hadn't felt in a LONG, LONG time! And it hurts to know the hopes and dreams of a future with this guy who made me so happy are all but dead at this point. And it makes me really angry that I made what appears now to have been just another really poor decision in picking someone and now I'm paying for it.

And it hurts to think that he may have had me over last weekend only for his own personal pleasure because he needed something to ease his frustrations over his paper.

I just wish I had a better clue of what was going on in his mind. He's been totally impossible to pin down since "the issue" first came up...he's all over the board. And I can sense his resentment growing by the day because his general tone is getting somewhat hurtful. I know he hurts. But it frustrates me that he won't either say "Okay, let's try this and see if we can make it work, because I care too much to just let it go", or he'd say "LL, we're done." But he won't do either one. And he's had a month now to think on it. All he's doing for the most part is avoiding seeing me because like he says, he doesn't know how to act around me without pushing boundaries, and so we're "on hold".

That's what I want to pin down. But like I said, I'm staying in town. And somehow, I'm not sure how yet, I'm going to do my very best to resist picking up my phone and calling him if he doesn't call me (which I doubt he will given that he didn't email).

But you may see a LOT of frustrated posts from me on my other thread (I'll let this one die after tonight) as I'm trying to kill time resisting, because there's not a lot of other things I feel like doing tonight.

LL

Well, she hasn't responded and it's, what, around 7pm central?

1 guess here folks.......

But, juuuuust in case I'm wrong, LL what did you do today? Anything fun? LH had some good suggestions.

I have to say, it's painful to read your posts sometimes. The panic, fear and desperation are almost palpable. You have got to get some control over yourself and you really need to be in therapy, even if you do charge up your credit card. I mean, if you did it for your dogs..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Here's a ((hug))

DW

Ah I was wrong!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Good LL, very good....big (((hugs)))

I can relate to all those feelings. Break-up's are very very difficult and I'm sorry you are hurting so.....

DW

"Okay, let's try this and see if we can make it work, because I care too much to just let it go", or he'd say "LL, we're done."

FOrcing him to choose one of those answers won't change anything right now. You're in pain, and will stay in pain, if he says "we're done". If he wants to try, he would have already said so, and would be showing it in his actions. Therefore, his answer right now is (c)"LL, I don't know right now." You have to accept it.

When you back someone into a corner like that, and force them choose anb answer, it is HIGHLY manipulative, controlling, and SELFISH on your part, and (frankly), behavior like that is one reason why alcoholics stay on their merry-go-round (your XH), and your D has some of the problems that she does. You have to let people CHOOSE for themselves, LL. He knows you love him, and he knows the conditions under which you are willing to date (without sex)... now LET HIM THINK AND CHOOSE. He's an adult - respect his boundaries. Respect HIM, and give him some space. Pushing, pulling, whining, nagging, begging, demanding, being impatient, or anything else of that sort is trying to control the situation.

Please... find something else to do tonight. Can I send you some CHristmas cookie recipes? I made candy last night for my co-workers presents. They LOVED it today! It was so much fun last night making it!

If he wants to try, he would have already said so, and would be showing it in his actions. Therefore, his answer right now is (c)"LL, I don't know right now." You have to accept it.

Okay, so if he's not showing wanting to try in his actions (i.e., not seeing me), then does "I don't know right now" mean he's most likely just done but isn't ready to deal with my pain with the decision so is stalling? I guess maybe that's the real answer I'm trying to pin down. Is there any hope, or is he just stalling the inevitable because he's afraid?

Thanks for the cookie idea, but not being much the domestic sort at the moment, and my kitchen most likely being the same wreck it was when I left the house this morning, I'll pass. I just called in an order for Chinese food because I don't even feel like cooking at this time of night. I'm picking it up on my way home from work, which I'm leaving right now.

LL

My Gosh!!! If he says no, will your life end?? I don't think so. Quit being so dependent on HIS answer.

Honestly if I knew this man I would confirm his thoughts and tell him to run like ******...you're even scaring me away.

There is no reasoning with you. It's your way or the highway. LET HIM BE!

LL,

1. You do not love him, dear.
You love not being alone and you want to be married, because you think it'd solve some of your problems.
It will NOT, not itself, not before YOU solve your own issues (insecurity, impatience, luck of love and respect for yourself, etc.)
You don't love him nor respect him (not that I think you have reason to do so, I don't know that).
You need him-man.
Remember, whenever and with whoever you get married one day - NO MAN will solve your own issues, no man will give you security and love and respect IF you do NOT have the same ones for YOURSELF.

2. For you don't listen/apply any advice and don't want to give up idea of marrying him anyway, why don't you try 180 degree method?
At least, that'll keep you from calling him and ruining small chances you still might have...

"then does "I don't know right now" mean he's most likely just done but isn't ready to deal with my pain with the decision so is stalling? I guess maybe that's the real answer I'm trying to pin down. Is there any hope, or is he just stalling the inevitable because he's afraid?"

ummm... honestly... think about it. We're not mind-readers. We can't predict the future. Neither can he. Some things have to unfold in time. CHildren have to wait until Christmas morning. 9 months have to go by until birth. Flowers have to bloom in their own time. And Mr. Guy needs more time to know the answer. If you don't calm down and give him space, you'll push him away, for sure.

No baking tonight? Then what will you do with your time? You need something to do other than think about Mr. Guy. The world does not revolve around Mr. Guy, does it?

People run from clingy, needy people.

LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!

Does in her world obviously
Oy Vey!

So what did you do??? Call or not call??? and I think that your not being organized - not be able to concentrate also could mean you are depressed.... But no one will ever love you like you should be loved until you love yourself... Where is your daughter??

LL, "I don't know right now" means exactly that! THAT is his answer, that is the real answer right now.

I'm sorry but I have to agree w/ Belonging--you can't possibly love him when you don't love yourself, and you don't LL and he's got to see that.....