My history is that my christian H had an ongoing A that lasted 2+ years with an co-worker. I found out 9mnths ago so for the last 9mnths there has still been off and on contact until about a mnth in a half ago. The ending was rather shocking > she gave him the ultimatum, he chose me, she called (again)and told me everything, we worked through it and I gave him another chance.

Sadly to say my H has really lost everything behind this A and perhaps more to come. In the beginning it was his ministry which was very strong prior to all of this being discovered and is now down to nothing. He is now in what the church lables as a "backsliden" stage / somewhat similar to the fog but in a christlike way.

I have tried everything to help him out and have been very understanding at times even allowing him time to get through the fog.

The most recent incident and the one in which im writing about is that he admitted that he basically misses the OW. Says had strong feelings for her and is now torn between the 2 of us {me and the ow]. Says that he doesnt want to be with her/ wants his family while at the same time has been trying to contact her just to say he's sorry and see how she's doing. Ive asked all the why's and what if's and he claims that he still doesnt want her but feels bad for how he's done her. Says doesnt intend to be with her because that would just make things worse because he'd then be thinking of me all the time. Says that he has prayed over and over for God to take these feelings away and deliver him from these feelings because he knows he wrong * but that right now his spiritual life is so weak he cant even get through to God. Say's feels bad for me and wants to move out (sale our house) and we move into seperate places until he can get himself straight and then he wants to come back to his family and we can move away as he previously promised me. Doesn't want a divorce.

Im just wondering if this makes any since to anyone out there. All Iv'e agreed to is that he moves out. Thats a must right now because I no longer want him but there is always future hope because he's my H. Initially I had said divorce and he claimed that he would rather stay than to do that and perhaps sleep in another room. Says has hard time being intimate with me and doesn't want to mislead me.

I definitely have a problem with this entire situation and I see no other choice but to let go. I am not in the fog and I know for sure that I M the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with but Im not at all convinced that im the woman he chooses anylonger. If I must I will except that simply because im am at my breaking point with him. Im shocked for now how well Ive been handling this and I feel confident about moving on whether he comes out of the fog soon or not.

Maybe it's just the woman in me (highly confident) but im truly shocked at the choice he chooses to compare me with. I am a beautiful woman /well fit and she in no way measures up to me, we share a beautiful child and have accomplished the american dream together and he's willing to risk for something completely opposite. Im not so close minded though > there's apparently something about her because he seems he just about to loose his mind. Having bad depressions which began with the lose of his mom and then he met her. Now, she has chosen not to talk or have anything to do with him until he rid's me and he is TORN.

Nothing is truly definite yet and Im not really talking about it because I dont believe anything he says right now anyway but it just disgust me to have to look at him walk around looking like he is low on drugs. The generally strong man that has everything going for him is now lost and cant even find himself. It's a truly sad sight. Satan is just having a field day with him and he doesnt even have the strength to see it.

Ive tried to tell him and help him get himself back to Christ so many times and he just cant make it. There has been many times during his struggle that he has just cried out and Ive put my feelings aside to pray with him and carry some of the burdens just to lighten his load. I'll still continue to do those christlike things and be there for him but I no longer think that I can continue to go on being a wife to him. But I do love him and always will; and my heart goes out to him.

Give me some advice on how to handle this; please.

Kenda <<hugs>>,

There is so much pain and sorrow in your post, I feel for you. It seems like your WH has not really made the choice and is still on the fence. It also seems like he is torn between what is the right thing to do and what others think of him vs. what he really wants, is fix with the OW. I so understand this too. It sounds like withdrawel, perhaps you can suggest he come here and try to get support from other WS's? There are other websites too that WS's can get support, perhaps others here can direct them to you as I don't know the addresses.

I agree with you, you need to remove yourself from the drama. It can't be good for your little one to be around all of this. It sounds like you are a strong person and can get through this alone or together. I know that it won't work if only you want it. You're in a good place here on MB, it is slow here due to the holidays, so keep posting!

Kenda,
Don't lose hope.

Unfortuanately, what you are experiencing is far from abnormal. All betrayed spouses (bs) have gone through these painful experiences.

Most wandering spouses (ws) tend to follow the same mode, say the same things etc. etc.

Now if you really want to save your marriage, don't agree to living in seperate homes. It is much easier to save your marriage with your ws living under the same roof.

To save your marriage, you must do a plan A.

While the members on the marriage board can give you sympathy, (we have all been in your shoes), they can more importantly, help you create a plan to save your marriage.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Your marriage is not hopeless, your husband is torn between the two of you.

Your goal is to tip the scales to your side.

You do this by Plan A

Exposure

Attracting your ws.

Keep on posting.

Sincerely,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

I don't have a lot of time this morning, but I read your post and I see a huge red flag, so I wanted to send you a quick message. Hopefully others will add to it soon.
this statement:


Is a bunch of crap. you don't work on a marriage by moving out, finding yourself, and then coming back to your family. if he is committed to his family, then he needs to show that committment by staying home and taking care of his wife and child. As a general rule, when a WH makes this statement it is becuase they want to move out and be free to pursue the OW. Right now he is "missing" the OW and wants to have contact with her. He feels guilty contacting her while he lives with his wife still. In his mind he has decided that if he did not live with you any longer, he would be free to pursue her, just to see if they are truly "meant to be together". Then, if that doesn't work out, he can go home.

I am not saying that you should make him stay, or kick him out, or file for D. You are cleary far from time to divorce him. I just want to point out that when a WH makes that statement, he is not moving out to "work on the marriage and come back to you as a better husband" he is moving out to pursue her. She has told him she doesn't wnat to have contact with him while he is with you, therefore, he wants to move out.....

I am sure that he has feelings for her. I am also sure that in his fog, he is desperatly seeking justification for his actions. there is NO justification. Adultry is wrong. he can search the Bible all he wnats, he will never find justification. I fear that the day will come when your WH will say to you "I have to believe that God wants me to be with her, because he has not taken these feelings away". Problem is that you and I both know these feelings do NOT come for God. Sin feels good. That is why it is so attractive.

His relationship with this woman will not last. The day will come when he looks back and says "Oh no, what have I done" I hope, for his sake, that you are still willing to take him back at that time.

Malachi 2:
13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

If your husband continues down this path, and continues to abandon the wife of his youth (you) for another woman, his life will be miserable. He doesn't understand that right now. He is miserable right now, and would do anything to make the pain stop. he thinks that by "being with her" his pain would stop. But it would only be for a season. and then he would discover that she is still a regular woman, who has good days and bad, who has needs like everyone else, and he would end up having to work at that relationship, just like he has to work at yours.
if he stays and works on your relationship, he would have the support of his family, his friends, his church. If he abandons you for her, he will work at that realtionship alone. His short "season" of happiness will not last.

I feel sorry for him.

Have you been reading? You need to read Surviving An Affair. you might also read love Must be tough (James Dobson).

I know I said I would keep this short - but I didn't! I just felt lead to respond to you. That is a God thing. Your willingness to recover your marriage is also a God thing. I hope for your H's sake that he is able to pull himself out of this deep hole.

wise words as always from faith

i will take them to heart as i hope you do kenda

and FYI...my H moved away on his own "to see if he missed me" which translated really meant "to spend more time with OW and see if i want to be with her or you because i miss her when i'm not with her...will i miss you and want to come back?"

well he didn't "miss me" and she moved in with her so he ain't gonna miss me now either because they don't miss you when they are still "addicted"

harley says this is ALMOST ALWAYS why they move away

i would NOT agree to this! You can't stop him but DON"T encourage him at all!!

this is not working on your marriage

have you considered calling the harley's together?? THAT is a step towards working on your marriage

...my biggest regret is that my H left our home as it was easier to plan A when we were together

WOF -

You say things very clearly with the voice of experience / authority.

Good advice.

Georgia

There is more than one red flag here. Let’s start with putting up with, allowing even, the past nine months of cake eating.

Kenda, your H is still a WH. I’ll bet your marriage on it. For example, how many times have you read where moving out “to find oneself” actually does anything useful? Zero right? It’s all a WS scam to make cake easier to get and reduce their guilt feelings.

You appear to have been doing a reasonable Plan A during the past nine months. If he is still in contact, and IMO he is, it’s time for Plan B. If your WS does move out, it’s time for you to go totally dark. It’s time for The Best Plan B Around. Meet none of his ENs whatsoever, not even conversation. Let him see how much he "needs" OW.

Nine months of Plan A, or Plan A like behavior, is way too long. Dr H revised what he wrote in SAA some time ago. He now says most women should Plan A for about three months maximum. He saw too much damage done to BW and children by continued WH contact.

I could list all the benefits of a dark plan B in your case, but the list is probably topped by the fact that if he moves out he will increase contact and you will indeed lose your love for him. Your post already reads as if you have only a few pennys left in your LBank but do not want to admit it out loud. So let him go into the dark of a good Plan B. You will start to feel better far sooner than he will.

Please start protecting yourself. A 2+ year affair is getting into LTA region. Attachment issues well over and above fog are present.

Your H sounds very self absorbed and spoiled, IMO.

Oh, I also think your H needs serious IC.

With prayers,

Edit for typo.

Im loving this advice and womanoffaith; you hit the nail on the head.

The one thing I am truly dealing with is the decision to take him back////again. Sometimes a person just has to put there foot down. I can not assure myself that I anylonger want this M. Ive accepted leaving him forever and never looking back. Yes I have his child who absolutely adores him/ but he doesnt even see that right now. My baby notices things whether he hears whats going on or not And right now his daddy is not the most popular person on his list of favorites. My boy is strong .... kinda like his mom and he's paying attention to how dad has been acting lately and even he chooses to separate himself from his dad at this time. It's hard to want to be with a person after this. I honestly dont know what a WS gets from seeing his wife and family go through this but it is definitely a love buster. I hear people saying stay, stay, stay and I appreciate that but what about the fact that my love bank for him is LOW?

Call the MB counseling center if you can. These boards are no substitue.

Start your Plan B letter and get input from here. Have it ready when he moves out.

As Octobergirl said on another thread, it's time to get back to basics.

I also recommend you get and read Torn Asunder, by Carder. I think you will see yourself in one of his case histories.

With prayers,

Aphelion, I like your posting alot to just as everyone's * I only noticed it after I just posted again. As you can see from my post above/ my love bank is suffering bad. I am so willing to let him go out there and fall on his face and so willing not to take him back when he realizes it which I know he will. One other concern is what Im truly thinking will happen is that he wont move out. This is really not his cup of tea. He told me the other day that I know him better than anyone but God. I know he has already realized he's wrong and that Satan has used him up only to lose his family. He will want to stay and eventually he will want to come crawling back into my bed. Point is > I dont want him. I really feel like he needs to know for once and for all that I have taken as much as I will....no more. I do admit I still have high hopes for the future maybe and part of that is probably because i can barely see myself w/o him right now because of who he is. But I just know, given the strength to get away and released by God to go > I more than likely will not look back. So if the day comes that he can so bravely walk out on this family... he can surely start to count his chances very slim in getting back.

I have a relative who went through somewhat of a similar experience with his W. She cheated, got caught, he left and filed for a divorce. He try'd to make an effort to talk before they signed the paperwork because he realized he filed out of anger. In those efforts....she chose the OM. Shame on her. Anyway years (3) went by. Some how she found her way back, relationship with OM fell apart in 7 months and she hit rock bottom. Fortunately he took her back and now 3yrs later she truly proving that hitting rock bottom knock some sense into her head.

This just goes to show. Sometime people have to hit the bottom to realize what happen > it is sometimes the only ending to the fog. I am willing to let that happen if it must. What do I have to lose? Last thing Im worried about is being lonely because Ive never had a problem with finding companionship; or should I say: it finding me. Futhermore as a christian woman it is my true intentions to reserve myself until the Lord sees fit to redo what has merely been undone or sends me else where.

Generally I dont move until the Lord tells me too. I did something really unusual yesterday. I agreed for him to move out. It was really a challenge that I dont mind taking at this point. If he takes one step out of that door in effort to move out...im as good as divorced and IMO he has officially put away his wife. And surely if he has the strength to do that... I have the strength to file. I know this was not of God > and if I am wrong with my thinking God will let me know. But if my flesh has anything to do with this what so ever... let it be named.