[color:"red"]1. I've asked this before but didn't get an answer. Is exposure only necessary when the affair is NOT ongoing? [/color] In my case, my FWH had his A 2-1/2 years ago. He quit working with OW about 2 years ago & has had NC for about 9 mo. (she quit calling him). FWH did have one contact with OW in which I wanted him to call her & tell her never to contact him again the day after D-day (2 mo. ago). He agreed to do that for me. I wish I would have found MB first, because a NC letter would have been better since he was nervous & didn't say all the right things at the time. I also wanted FWH to contact OWH, but he didn't want to do that. Then, through this site on one post, others suggested it was necessary to make OW accountable & make sure she didn't think she had an option to pursue my H again. So, finally, just after Thanksgiving, my FWH called OWH. They also had worked together & he was shocked to say the least. Well, he was very angry & wanted to speak to me instead. We spoke briefly confirming (he couldn't believe it - was convinced it had to be a sick joke). After speaking to his wife (OW), he called me back & said she admitted to it (my H also revealed a previous A she had that she told him about). This is long to get to my point. [color:"red"] Is this enough exposure? Do any family or friends need to know? Can we keep this to ourselves at this point? [/color]

2. One week after D-day, I called OW & spoke to her for an hour. I was kind & nice the entire time. She played victim to her sad life the entire time. At the time, I was still in shock and I hadn't had time to analyze everything that had happened. In fact, I don't believe I knew all the facts yet. [color:"red"] I feel like I want to write her a letter describing my feelings & what she is doing to others. [/color]I want to let her know that her H & her kids are the victims, not her. I also would like my H to add to this letter. When he spoke to her on the phone, he apologized to HER (TWICE) for what happened as if she was the victim (not me). FWH told her that he told me, but never said he loves me, the marriage is important to him, etc. or anything indicating that he wants his marriage to work. FWH told OW during the A that he planned to leave me. Over those 2 years when she kept calling, I believe she was waiting to see if he really was leaving. She may still have the impression that he will leave some day, I don't know. [color:"red"] Is it wrong to write a letter now? From me? From FWH? [/color]

Please, these are quick - I'd love an answer!!! Thanks.

"Is this enough exposure? Do any family or friends need to know? Can we keep this to ourselves at this point?"

I'm wondering this also my WW family does not know & would not approve of what she did & since I have been so understanding she has no consequences for the A, she might be a little more willing to make an effort for counseling etc? because of the way they would make her feel?

Hi Want2BStrong,

Is your H working with you toward recovery? Is he being transparent with things like email passwords and phone records? Are you in in MC? Have you discussed with him what you expect from him by way of NC?

1. If he has shown a commitment to NC, I don't see the point of further exposure. Especially if things are going well in recovery, additional exposure might cause unnecessary strain.

2. As for a letter to OW: Again, what would this accomplish? The best thing is for her to be out of your lives completely. If your H is committed to recovery (and has behaved accordingly), I don't think that you'd want to initiate further contact with this woman. However, if she continues to contact your H, you may want to discuss with H the idea of sending a more formal declaration of NC. Does she still try to contact him? If not, I'd say definitely not to bring her back into your life by contacting her.

These are just my opinions. I'm operating from the perspective that the your one goal from all of this is to forever rid your and your H's life of OW.

I'm sure the more experienced folks will also want to add their perspectives on this.

He is COMPLETELY COMMITTED to the M - has been for probably 2 years (but just took a long while to be honest with me about what he had done). This year before d-day had been the best ever between us. I was even walking around saying "I love my life" all the time.

My H is working hard towards recovery. He has come along way since his A, and is now a Christian (which is making the most difference in his life). He will NOT make any further contact with OW. He is disgusted by the entire thought of her & what he did. He never loved her, nor did he have an addiction to her. Things are starting to go well in recovery (took me a few months to be able to accept, quick living in the past & try to move forward).

1. Okay, I can see that it could cause unnecessary strain to expose. I didn't think I should, but just wanted to be sure. Some of my family may not be able to get over it (since there is another family member married to a serial cheater & we've all watch the pain of that).

2. It wouldn't accomplish much to write her but make me feel better to vent my emotions & let her know how destructive her behavior is (I believe she is a serial cheater). Also, I would like to say that cheating is one of the most heartless acts one can do to their spouse (as she is doing to hers) & this in NO way makes her the victim she claims to be. Her suicide stories are just ways of manipulating others to feel sorry for her & her husband & children deserve better then that. There are many, many things I would like to say.

She doesn't try to contact my H anymore. Okay, OW was living with her now H (then long-time BF) when the A took place (they have a child together). OW kept calling my H up until her wedding (in March) in which OW invited us (we went - my H was afraid OW might retaliate & tell me if we didn't go). OW wore a slutty dress with boobs popping out. I thought it was inappropriate, but didn't give it much thought until now. I did notice my H avoided her mostly & I thought it was strange since they had been friends at work. I believe it was her last effort for my H. By calling him a few times in advance before the wedding, OW was hoping he would tell her NOT to marry her BF and maybe even had hopes my H would stop the wedding during the service (I don't know). After that day, we never heard anymore more from OW UNTIL I had my H call in Oct. to tell OW no more contact at all.

I don't think after my H exposed the A to her new H that she will be trying to contact my H at all. We only did that so OW would not feel she had opportunity to try to talk to my H again (since OWH thought they were friends & had no problem with contact between them). Also, I felt sad for OWH not knowing that his marriage was not going to be good from the beginning & having no idea why.

I have NO worries about OW in my H's life. He has a TRUE perspective of who she is & what she is about now. She is NOT me, but the opposite. I am smart, educated, analytical, bus. owner, reliable, honest, trustworthy, caring, very moral & attractive (according to my H). She has NONE of these qualities in his opinion. OW is a H.S. dropout, 2 kids out of wedlock, not a good mother, dead-end job with no goals, overweight & unattractive, dishonest & uncaring, & obviously lacks the character I have. We come from two different worlds altogether. OW's out of work (by choice), druggie, alcoholic parents live with her & her H & kids in a tiny house. OW lets parents watch her kids - UGH while doing drugs & drinking! There are NO druggies or alcoholics in my family at all. It didn't take long for the "fog" to lift after the A began with OW & her mess of a life. He knew that he would be embarrassed to be seen with her because he said she has terrible grammar & lacks intelligence. That helped him realize that he couldn't have real feeilngs for her & he walked away. So, I have NO worries about OW having any way to coerce him back into an A with her - EVER!!!

I admit that the only joy I can get is that she is such a loser - sad as it sounds. Maybe a letter isn't appropriate, but I would sure like to get a lot things off my mind.

Plus, I thought if H could write an official NC letter, he could let her know that he is dedicated to me, loves me, wants his marriage - things he didn't say to OW.

Alright. Then, I say definitely don't contact xOW in any way. Just focus on your recovery. Vent here, but don't do anything that brings this woman back into your lives. She did something horrible. She either realizes this... or she doesn't, but writing her a letter won't likely do anything to wake her up or change her mind or otherwise turn her life around. Just let her fade into history. (Okay, maybe that's easier said than done. If you'll look at my information, you'll see that I'm not in a strong position to be giving out recovery advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I was curious about this from your first post: Do any of your family or friends know about the A? From what you wrote, it sounded like maybe nobody in your life knows about the A. I don't know what others think about that. It bothers me a little. It seems like it would be nice to have a close friend or family member with whom to talk about things. How does your H feel about you telling a friend or family member about what happened? -- not technically exposure, but more with an interest of giving you someone to whom to vent.

Finally, if you haven't already done so, you might want to talk to an IC. An IC might be able to give you some strategies to deal with the things about xOW that you need to get off your mind.

I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you so far.

Do not expose and do not write to the xow.

Exposure's only purpose is to bring pressure to end the A. Any other motivation is revenge, which does not serve your Recovery. If you expose now, you will hurt your H, who has done a lot of work towards healing your mariage. Your family/frieds will NEVER forget, and every family/social occasion will be tainted - forever. Do not do this. Vent here. This is the perfect venue.

And, regarding hte ow: Many of us, myself included would like - very much - to call/write/ confront the pond scum who tried to destroy our marriage/family. It serves no purpose. It will not change her heart.

The clearest, most effective message you can send is silence. If you go to the OW boards, you will see that this is what gets to them the most, silence. It sends the message that they are not important. This is what the ow deserves.

Your job now is to protect/safeguard/build up your marriage. NC is not just for he FWS, it's for the FBS, too.

Good luck, and blessings.

Healing . . . Perfect response.

Want . . .No contact applies to both of you.

Cherish you family this Christmas and don't give the B any more of your time.

Cheers,

CN

no_cute_name,

I did tell one friend (after consulting my H & making sure he was okay with it) who I have known since Jr. High & she went the pain of infidelity from both sides. Her husband was a "serial cheater" throughout their relationship & she never knew. He was not a nice guy & cared for no one but himself (I saw this behavior & thought how can she be with him). She pleaded with him for attention & he told her to find it elsewhere (get other friends). So, unfortunately, she did & ended up in her own A for 3 years in a 9 yr marriage. When she found out he was having an A (caught on the phone), she immediately confessed her own A & he left the marriage & didn't come back. After that, she still wanted to work on her marriage, but he was just looking for a way out & he gave her one. She then found out of his serial cheating after that & they divorced. So, she is someone who I know will not judge or hold grudges because she had been through getting into her own A & having it done to her. I knew I could trust her & she won't tell other family or friends about it.

I haven't told anyone else, but my sister knows that we are having some hard times because my H told me he used to be such a liar (since becoming a Christian). I told my H that due to my depression, she may suspect that he had an A. But, I never confirmed it for her & she didn't ask. I just said there were alot of lies over the years & I'm very disappointed in my H. My H was there when we talked about it & he talked about how we are now honest about everything. Their marriage has troubles that we see are similar to ours & we are/were trying to help them keep from going down the road we are on. I even bought HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS for my sister's birthday last month & we've talked extensively about her H's passive-aggressiveness & conflict avoidance (we both married similar personalities).

We are talking about counseling, both MC & IC for both of us. I need to start pursuing this more vigilently.

HealingT4J,

Got it - no exposure!

It's good to hear that silence speaks the loudest. You are right that she is NOT important & I need to make sure she hears that message the most - so thank you for passing on that info. I will try to vent here when I need to then.

Last night while out with my sister & her family, we needed to run by Sears. Well, the one closest to where we were is just right near her house. We had to drive by there to get to the store. I would normally drive across town instead, but when you have family who don't know about OW, I can't make excuses for going across town. I tried not to think about it or look down her street. As we approach Sears, we saw cops cars, ambulances, a fire truck all blocking off one area of the street. They were there when we went in & when we came out. We realized there was crime tape being used & my sister said "Did someone get shot or stabbed or something?" It flashed in my mind for a split second that "maybe someone killed OW". Of course, that is horrible, but I don't think I would be sad in the least if something did happen to her. It's awful that I feel this way.

Some of you may say avoid this area where she lives at all costs (might run into her), but she lives across the street from the fairgrounds, water & amusement park so it's unlikely I can avoid it. How do I handle that?

ONE MORE QUESTION:

Okay, the OW-2 that my H had an EA with has remained friends with my H until the present day. The day after D-day he also called her to tell OW-2 that he told me about his love letter to her. OW-2 I think liked the attention of my H & wanted him to like her. She even came to his work (after he left working with her) and was dressed up as to attract him. My H thought "now, why is she doing that?" Anyway, he didn't tell her NC on the phone. [color:"red"] Should my H write a NC letter to her or just wait & see if she calls him again? [/color](she probably gets ahold of him 2-3 times a year). Although, my H believes she may not contact again, because she realizes now that he has no feelings for her (she never wanted him, just attention).

Also, I must add that I never realized how bad my H is at judging other's charater. This OW-2 makes a lifestyle of flirting with men she doesn't want & leading them on. She uses them for attention. Last conversation my H had with her, she said she had her boss wrapped around her finger. I said "well, that used to be YOU, so what do you think she was thinking & saying about YOU!" He said "yeah, I know".