I am through searching the computer, cell phone, it's driving me crazy. 14 yrs of marriage, 3 kids, 10 yrs of excessive flirting, kissing, etc, online affairs and one big PA later, I am just too tired to keep running. Although I am too scared to quit running too. Much therapy later, it boils down partly to emotionally abusive parents who never thought what he did was good enough. I can't fix that. I can't compete with it either. He really seems remoseful and trying to follow everything the therapist says. Do I dare trust? Again?

Only you can decide that.

The question is...has he become trustworthy yet?

Has he rebuilt that trust that he destroyed yet?

If not, then the answer for me would be no...I couldn't trust yet. If he has had an extended period of concerted effort in PROVING to you that he's becoming trustworthy, it's up to you to decide how much work he's got to do before you feel comfortable trusting again.

How has his behavior improved? What steps has he taken to become more trustworthy? To prevent a recurrence of these things? How has he become more accountable to you?

I think the real issue is one of acceptance since you know you can't change him. Can you accept being part of a polygamous marriage? Can you get a bulk discount for STD testing?

If the answer is yes, then you have your guy. If you want a traditional marriage, that is monogamous, you might want to strongly consider moving on.

But, you do know what you have so you can't be upset or surprised when it happens again......and again.......and again. Because you are not a victim, but a volunteer. You know exactly how he is and you choose to stay.

Never trust an untrustworthy person. Trust must be EARNED.

He does want to have a tradtional marriage, and has joined a men's group at church to help him be accountable. All of his past only came to light 6 months ago. I have already told him I would only stay for as long as he was in treatment and committed to a monogomous marriage, that if he couldn't do that, I deserved to know up front. For my emotional and physical well being. So I'm not really volunteering for a life full of crap. I guess what I really wanted to know is if you ever quit searching for evidence?

SS, yes, you do stop if he ever rebuilds trust. But until that happens, you need to verify everything.

Summer - I don't think you will ever quit looking for evidence and probably shouldn't quit for a long time. You are working on recovery, but you are not even close to being there. Your husband has to prove he is trust worthy.

So give a little of yourself and keep the rest and continue to snoop until your husband has proven that he can be trusted. Then you can start a real recovery.

It has been 10+ years since my A. Late the other night, I had problems logging into my work email account, so I had to keep retyping my login. My W came in and wanted to know, "Who I was talking to" on the computer.

I'm not sure it is a "trust" issue as much as it is, "I'm worried about this and I want my questions answered now."

Summerstorm- your WH sounds like my FWH. Serial cheater who used other women to build himself up. I allowed it to go on for over ten years, too, because I felt powerless at the time.

We are two years into a real recovery, having just celebrated our 13th anniversary on December 17th. We now have a true 'love child,' our baby Logan who turns 6 months old this December 30th. Our oldest children, son 17 (18 next month) and our daughter 11, now have a healed relationship with their father.

After two years, I still snoop, but I find its after I have an anxious thought or Im triggered by bad memories. Hubby is accountable for his time (A HUGE HELP) and agreed to everything I asked of him when I returned to rebuild our marriage. The man I live with today holds little resemblance to the one I married. Thank God. My confidence in him as a husband is at an all-time high. I rarely check email anymore and its been a few months since I glanced at his cell phone records. What I've learned is that I must talk to him when I feel anxious. He's learned not to take it personally-- that he's still earning complete trust.

Summer- yes, you can be in a better place. Your WH's participation is KEY.

Jimmy-- you are right, its not so much trust as feeling anxious. And often, I will ask my H something just to see if he will tell me. He always does now. Every time he comes through for us, he's building himself up in my eyes.

Summer,

I think mojodiva summed this up very well. Listen to what she is saying.

Right now your trust has been broken / shattered by WS. WS must EARN it back. This will not happen in a few days or weeks. It will take years and then there will still be relapses.

As Mojo and the others are saying: it will get better. It can get better faster if WS is willing to be open with you.

DO NOT allow him to use the "You don't trust me" card on you. Good marriages are built on a foundation of honesty and trust. He needs to be open with you so you can start to rebuild the trust that he destroyed.

Stay Strong!

My experience with my FWH is similar to what Mojodiva described.

My H is always reassuring and proving that he is worthy of my trust. He is a very different man than he was years ago.