Hurting,

I've been following your thread on the other board. I've been a little leery to give advise, seeing how it is, I'm divorced, and not sure if I qualify to add imput.

I think you are one, very TOUGH woman! You've hung on longer than I could have. You truly have the gift of patience, which is a good thing!

Anyway, to answer your question, I think, if you can handle whatever the response may be, maybe you should say something when he comes by. Just that one last opportunity, to let him know where things are with you, and how they stand. So if he does decide to leave, at least he'll leave, knowing the truth. I know there was some misunderstanding about you having a boyfriend. If you set the record straight, then you can have a piece of mind, that he didn't leave there, thinking something completely false.

Not that YOU have anything to explain!! Yes, it should be him, winning YOU over, at this point! But, just incase he thinks he "couldn't" come home, this would be good info. for him to know.

Good Luck with whatever you decide. I'll pray for you! Take Care,

Jennifer68

Hmm.. it did not take long for his dream world to come crashing down.

Remember, the WS is not "normal" and who knows what is going through his mind. It sounds to me that he has other motives and may not be telling you the entire story. Try not to read into it because unless he is truthfull (which he probably isn't) it will drive you crazy.

I know you are in Plan B but it may be a good oppurtunity to reiterate that you do love him and want to work things out. Keep it very short, sincere and come across very focused and not emotional. Don't beg, cry or any of the things we BSs do from time to time. Then leave him alone... I know this will be hard on you, but show him what an understanding, forgiving loving person he is losing...

Remember, he may come back... Just don't live you life waiting for it.

Thanks for the input. He will be here sometime today to drop off CS and pick up a few tools.

I do plan on talking to him and letting him know how i feel and leave it at that.

I will do my best not to be emotional. Then again he may not want to speak to me. So I will just have to wait and see.

WH just left....

I spoke to him and said what I needed to.

Before I could finish saying what I needed to , he said Carolyn I don't want to hear anymore about our marriage. It's over and I am never coming back.

He said the OW has told him he has to leave because it won't work for them. He is going to San Antonio because that s were most of his runs are now.

He came in the house to use the bathroom. I was in my bedroom hanging up clothes and he walked in and said the bedroom looks pretty. I said thank you. He said please don't keep hoping for me to come back because thats not going to happen. I don't love you anymore. I care about you and thats it. I am looking at our marriage as a bad business and its over. I said WH all of our marriage was not bad, he said I know that but the last few years were. He said he is not willing to go back there and he does not believe it could be better. He said I am willing to talk to you about the kids and thats it. I said ok then so be it. He says he is going on with his life and I should go on with mine without him.

He really seemed very sure of himself and that this is what he wants. Something tells me he is really done and I just have to accept this and move on. He said there is someone out there for you and its not me. I told him I don't believe that but I can't or won't try and make him do anything. So now what? He is really leaving and I guess its over....

You know I am upset about this but not to the point of falling apart, maybe acceptance is setting in. I have put up a good fight and have no regrets at all but I must accept the fact he is done and has no desire to fix anything. He also said well as far as the divorce goes we don't have to push it through but we will not get back together just remember that. He also said he does not think he should have to pay alimony that he does not owe me that. And that I will get half of his 401K. CS he says I don't have a problem with that but alimoy he ddes. He says you could get a better job. I told him I am looking but so far no luck. I was not emotional at all during this time. I never cried or begged I just matter of fact listened to him and showed nothing.

I saw nothing in his eyes at all. They were just blank no feelings nothing...... Kinda scary really......

--------------------

Hurting---I just read these 3 pages of your story and my heart goes out to you. You have done a great job at walking the high road. You will be able to find peace so much quicker cause of your choices to do what is right.

I, too, was in the same place as you except my WS is so indecisive, I have to make the divorce decisions. I will be the one to end a marriage that went on 30+ years. In a way, your husband is "helping" you by stating the obvious......he has lost interest. It may be because of the damage that the A has brought to his emotions or maybe a mid life crisis or maybe he thinks he needs something in a spouse that is unrealistic (like the thrill of the chase). Infidelity is so damaging not only for the BS but also for the WS. I thought my WS was gonna have a nervous breakdown through it. After two people are married for so long, it is mind boggling to try to learn to live separately.

In all that I have read and advise from counselors, the effects (or fog) of an A can go on for 3-5 years. So far this has been true for my situation. It has been 4 years and the dust has just settled on everything in our lives. Ow is no longer, I have healed, we are living totally separate lives (which took 4 years to accomplish) and have maintained a friendship that is good. My WS is an alcohol abuser so I have no intention of ever living with that again. He has no interest in living any differently so I will divorce him this year.

I said all this cause no one knows the future. Your WS may or may not come to his senses. If he does, he even may not know how to gain back what he lost but you still need to live your life as healthfully as possible. Continue to move in a direction that is healthy. Try not to second quess all that WS does. I was told that if they want you back there has to be proof and they have to show that they are taking steps to win back what was lost. My WS has never been able to do this...........

but I am healthy, loving life, at peace, and growing stronger and stronger. I never thought I could live like this.....a single person with hope.

TW

Tossed,

I appreciate your post. Yes maybe he has stated the obvious but in my heart I don't believe that.

I believe he is in a lot of pain and is running from it and not willing to face what he has done. Maybe he will never come back to the marriage I don't know. But for now I still have hope and i believe somewhere deep inside of him the love is still there.

As time passes and he can have time to think and reevaluate his life and what has happened he can come to terms with all of this amd make ammennds. Maybe he won't who knows but in the meantime I continue to live my life and still keep the hope.

I know in time my hope will fade as well as my love for him but until that time happens I will continue to pray for our marriage to heal.

I can't imagine my life without him as we have been together over half of our lives, and I know you understand that for you have a long term amrriage as well. I know things will get better either way this goes.


Hurting

Hurting,

I have not been on over the last few days so sorry that I have not kept in touch. I have read your latest posts and I have tears in my eyes. I know EXACTLY 100% what you are going through. And my friend - IT DOES GET BETTER. I want you to know that, believe that, and feel that - because it will get better.

Let him go and find himself, or whatever it is he is searching for. He is more messed up then you can ever imagine.

It is very hard to emotionally detach from someone - they are truly apart of you. They are part of your very existence, your soul. So it takes time to heal and there is no substitute for time.

And while you are working on you, and your healing, he may come back... he may not. If it happens, it will then be up to you and not him whether you work on the marraige.

You are in my thoughts, my prayers and everyone here will help you through this.

A big cyber-hug to you this evening...

Keith

Thank you Keith .....

Your right he is very messed up right now. No one recongnizes him all our friends and family just are in a state of shock over how he is now.

He only looks like him and thats it.... Nothing about his attitude or character is even remotely near the person we all know and love.

Its like looking at an evil twin.... I keep praying whetherhe comes home or not he becomes the person he used to be or maybe even a better person. As he is now no one wants to be around him, even his own mother is done with him for now.... She loves him but is so hurt by all the lies and the way he has treated her as well .....

Somewhere deep down inside is th man we all love, i just hope he has the courage to fight his way back....


Hurting

Hurting,

Keep in mind you are not the only one that hurts from a cheating spouse. You may feel like the only person in the world suffering but there are lots of us out there.

I will say it until I am blue in the face, no matter the outcome, it does get better. I could not have said that a year ago, heck not even 4 months ago. But there is hope...

We are with you for the long haul my friend...

Keith

keith,

Thanks so much for the support.

You know I read so many other peoples posts and it just breaks my heart to see so many in pain. Especially when I read the ones of people who just found out. I remember d-day and the first few months and I thought i would just die. But your right it does get better as time goes on.

If someone had told even 2 months ago I woould be feeling better I would have laughed in their face. I have come so far in such a short amount of time its amazing.

I feel myself detaching from him and its scary. I still love him but I'm not sure I want him anymore. One day I do and the next I don't. I am afraid could I actually do the work I would need to if he came back. I am afraid of worrying will he do this again. I suppose I will never know the answers to those unless the chance arises. And as it stands now I don't see it happening for a long time if ever.

They say all things happen for a reason, I am just waiting to find out the reason... I am sure in time it will be will be known to me... I just have to be patient....

Take Care Keith.....


Hurting

I still worry what I would do if my X came back... For a long time I would prayed that she would come back. If I heard a car I would go to the door thinking it was her.... It never was.

Time my friend.... Over time you will think clearer, you will be able to take an objective look at what has happened. The pain will ease... You will feel whole again.

Keith

Keith,

I know your right and I am getting there little by little. Most days are pretty good now.

I miss the compaionship and having him by my side but I will be ok. I miss him to but not as much as I did.

The kids and I are getting a normal routine back so thats a good thing. Life is getting better....


Hurting

Missing companionship is tough.. very tough... But first, you have to be comfortable with being with just yourself, on your own. When you get to that point, then you are well on your way to healing.

Well the mediation has been schedualed for March 3.

I know its not going to go well because neither one of us is going to give an inch.

He does not want to pay alimony and is mad about me getting half of his 401K.

I am going in with what I want and am not backing down. So this is going to end in front of a judge no matter what. I do nknow one thing I don't plan on arguing with him at all about any of it. He wants to argue he will be doing it by himself. I want to go into this without becoming emotional, I know thats gonna be hard.

I still don't want this divorce but seeing how i have no say in it not much I can do. I sure hope the OW is worth all he is willing to throw away. She damn sure better be after all this. But since I know her, I know she isn't...

Anyhow here is were I am at this point in time.....


Hurting

That is the part that I will never understand but they all do it. They are willing to throw everything sacred away because of some fantasy land they are living in.

Hang in there Hurting...

Well the mediation is over and man was it something. Not as bad as I thought it would be at all. In fact some parts were down right funny as WH made a fool of himself and it was all I could do not to laugh at him....So this post may be a little long as I try to put everything in it. So don't say I didn't warn ya ......

I arrrived at the court house and WH wa already there. The mediator was running late so we sat in the office by ourselves. WH would not say anything and was pretending to read th paper which is something he does not do. He would not look at me at all . So I sat there for a minute and decided to be the better person. so I started a conversation.
BS: So how are you ?
WH: I am doing great.
BS: Well thats good but are you sure? You don't look so good,you seemed to have gained some w eight and gotten grayer.
WH: No I have no gained any weight.
BS: Well if you say so.... ( Believe me he gained some weight)

About this time the mediator got there and we went into the room. The mediator expalined the pprocess and we got started. First question was to WH so do you want this divorce? WH right off the bat says yes I do but she doesn't. So he the asked me, I said I never wanted to be here , so no I really do not want this divorce but since it is happening I am going to protect myself and my children.

So anyhow the mediator then asked me what I was wanting from WH. I started telling him and said wait a minute i have it all written down , so I proceded to pull out my list and start reading. As I was listing everything WH started squirming in his chair and his face turned all shades of red from being mad. He got the ugliest looks I ever saw. I am going to make my list here and put his responses to the side:

1: Alimony - $$$$ per month WH I will not pay alimony as she has two jobs and is not cripple or anything...

2: Child support- $$$$ per month, WH I have no problem paying that.

3: Rehablitative Education Expenses for me- WH I will not pay that. Why should I pay for her to go to school when it will not benifit me. If she would not go while we were together why should I now.

4: SS Death Benifits- WH why does she deserve that I won't agree.

5: Life Insurance Policy- WH I agree to that as I have already thought of it.

6: Attorney Fees mine- WH I will pay those no problem ( He has no clue how much they are) lol

7: 4021K- I will give her half even though she does not deserve it she was not the one who wrked for it...

And last but not least the best of all, the one that drove him nuts and to anger and more lies ............

8: I request that he pay for me to have STD and HIV testing done: WH flipped out. Why should I pay for that? My response was" Well WH you should pay this because I feel I eed to be safe and know I have no STD since we have had SF since you have been having your affair. " Now be ready for his response to this... are ya ready????? He says " BS you don't have anything I never had sex with OW until after the LS papers and our court date. " I almost fell out of the chair and the mediator looked at him and was shocked.

Of course you know I had to say something I just could not keep quiet... I said " So you are telling me you have lived with this woman since July and was seeing her in June and you have not had sex with her until Dec? Is this what you are saying?" He said "Yes." I almost laughed in his face.... I said " Well I have a hard time believing that since I do know how you are and SF is one of your top needs. " He said well believe it.... So I just let it drop...

Anyhow the mediator was asking WH his reason for the divorce and of course they were the, she pushed me away and was depressed and would not do anything about it. She hid on th computer and didn't pay enough attention to me and on and on.... The mediator asked me about these things and I told him yes what he says happened but the stress in our home with so many people and me loosing a job just was to much and I did withdraw from him. But if he had come to me and really told me how he was feeling I would have done everything to try and fix it counseling and all.

So the mediator asked was I in counseling nowbefore I could say anything WH said yes she is after its to late. Every since he dad dies she changed. Mediator then tried to explain the 5 stages of grief to WH and how some people get stuck on stage and sometimes it takes years to get past it. Well WH was having none of that. He didn't like it because he was being told basically instead of doing what he should have and helping he walked away. The mediator said WH what if you both went to counseling would you even try to make this marriage work? WH said I don't need counseling and its to late.

WH then said I didn't leave BS because of this other woman I am seeing. So the mediator said to him well let me ask you this, If your wife had paid more attention to you and talked to you about how she was feeling were would you be now? WH said probably still home. We could have worked it out. I was floored by this. He was asked do you plan on getting married to this other woman and WH said no.

Anyhow as time was going on I noticed WH started looking at me and smiling. It was not an evil smile it was a smile of someone who liked what they saw. In fact as I passed him in the hall way going to the bathroom he looked me up and down and just smiled.

So right before this was all over he said to the mediator "She is asking for all these things so she can scam money out of me and I am not going to pay it." I looked at the mediator and said " No this is not about scamming anyone this is about protecting myself and my child. I never wanted his money I wanted my husband and my marriage. But WH decided to not even try. So now I have to think of myself and my son."

So while the mediator was writting his summery WH started asking me about my family and what has happened with DD and the police thing. I told him nothing so far with DD , he said well then I am going to call and find out why nothing has been done yet. I told him that was no necessary I could handle this on my own.

So now the judge will be the deciding factor in all of this since the alimony thing is in the air. So as we left we were in the same elevator and not a word was said. We got off and he went out one door and I went out the other. He was angry wit hall tha twas said and done. I made it very clear to the mediator he was having an affair and thats why we were there.

I know i have not gotten all of this in here but this is the jest of it and I did have a few tears but nothing dramatic, and they were in the right places.

I am pretty sure that I will be the topic of conversation tonight and being called all kinds of names. But you know what who cares. I stood up for myself and did not back down. I know WH was shocked and sure didn't expect all he was hit with. And the mediator just looked at him like he was nuts by some of what he said. The mediator really tried to talk him into MC and holding off to see if we could work things out, but WH was having none of that.

I am surprised at myself I came out of there feeling just fine, Iknow WH was angry and confused at many things. So now I hope he takes it out on OW.

Oh yeah he was asked about custody of DS, WH said DS can decde were he wants to live he is old enough. I said DS is very happy and content were he is. He does not want to move in with WH and OW.

So guys how did I do? I know I left some things out but if I remember something important I will add it later....

Again thanks to all of you for the support and prayers, they really helped and went a long ways. And needless to say as I kept looking at WH today I wanted to bust out laughing so mnay times but I bit my tongue... Oh yeah and I looked Hot as well....... lol


Hurting

Hurting,

I jumped on today and seen your post... Lots going on your life huh.. Give yourself a pat on the back, you are stronger than you realize.

Will write more later... working on projects around the house.

Keith