i have been reading through post after post and need some advice. to make a long story short, been married 10+ years, husband has been unfaithful numerous times, we have had more false recoveries than i can count, he had an affair with someone he worked with for more than 2 years and there is an OC (14 months old). we have 2 daughters 9 & 10. i kicked him out of the house this spring because he kept contacting her behind my back as well as talking with other women on his cell phone,he moved up to OW's apt for 1 1/2 weeks and then got his own apt down the street from our house. he claims he wants to make things right with me and is tired of living like he has been living. he has been straddling the fence and i finally got tired of it. he thought he could be friendly with her and avoid the courts with visitation which she plays games with, they went through mediation and at the last minute she decides that she doesn't agree with what they had agreed upon and lets him see OC when it is convenient for her and only 2 hours at a time...
i do not trust him, i don't trust her, he has always had what i call inappropriate friendships with females, and at one point i did have access to his cell phone records but don't now because i keep confronting him for his nonsense behavior.

what is appropriate communication between them? am i wrong for insisting that all communication come through our home phone, that she not call his cell phone, that he not pick up her calls? am i wrong for insisting that i have access to his cell phone records? he says i am too controlling, but i have some serious lack of trust issues and i think that the burden of proof is on him to proove that he is remotely trustworthy. someone let me know if i am crazy or if i am on the right planet. thank you for your thoughts. i am so tired of this mess!

I am mainly a lurker
But I can tell you that you are totally right in insisting that all communication should come to the home phone.
Also if your WH wants recovery he should be an open book you should have all access to all his pass words and records.
He broke your trust and he needs to earn it back.

You are not being controlling you are working on a broken marriage. Your WH should run to Court asap
he is the OC father and he has rights. That would cut down on unnecessary contact.


monny
xoxoxoxoxoxox

I also request access to my H's cell phone records.

thank you... i don't feel so crazy after all. this whole thing is such a mess, i am so angry, bitter, resentful, ... and i wonder if it is all worth while??? we have been separated for 8 months and nothing has really changed, he was supposed to change his cell phone number but hasn't done that yet, i don't have access to his cell phone records so lord knows what he is doing. how do you stop yourself from obsessing? this is my biggest challenge.

wife30, we have alot in common, congrats on your little one. did you have to beat the phone records out of him or did he willingly give them up because he wanted to make things right?

by taking control of the only thing you have power over ~~~> yourself

let him go .... you cannot change him

he may or may not decide to become a real husband to you ... but your obsessing does only one thing ~~~> keeps you stuck where you are .... waiting for HIM to change

no more

time for YOU to change your life

you need legal representation .... get a lawyer and make sure your children are financially protected and make sure you are not responsible for HIS debts

stop having sex with him .... you have no idea what sort of diseases he may be exposing you to

get out and do things as a family ... join some sort of social groups with your kids .... begin to build your own life, a good life

does your family help you out in any way?

I had created him an on-line account last year. That's how we had Dday #2, I could check his records on line.

He was pissed at the time, but that's when he was going to be w/ OW so he didn't care to change the account.

Now that we are working things out he's telling me he is leaving it so that I can check it whenever I want and he can't lie to me about things.

by taking control of the only thing you have power over ~~~> yourself

let him go .... you cannot change him

he may or may not decide to become a real husband to you ... but your obsessing does only one thing ~~~> keeps you stuck where you are .... waiting for HIM to change

no more

[color:"red"] [/color] I like this Pepperband.

Your husband is a serial cheater...who has always had inappropriate boundaries with women. He'd done little-to- nothing to change...and now he's added an OC to the situation. He thinks you're "too controlling" when you ask for accountability. He seems to think that he doesn't have to earn back your trust...that you should "just do it"!

You, yourself, asked if it was "worthwhile" to try and work on a marriage with your husband. What's there to work with??? As others have noted, you can't change him. And, he's not ever put forth much effort to change, in spite of what his mouth says. Now you have to deal with an OW and OC on top of it all. I also find it interesting that his timing in wanting to come back "home" coincides with the problems he's having with the OW and OC.

You have two children together. How are they handling all this?? Their awareness in only going to increase as they get older. Is this what you want for them?

I think others have guided you well. Focus on you, your children, your life, etc., right now. Just because your H. wants to come back, wants to reconcile with you, doesn't mean you have to accept it. Personally, if you were open to reconciliation, I'd want to see some immediate steps on his behalf toward change. Not "talk", but "walk"

You and your children deserve the very best.

you are absolutally right, this has gone on for way too long. my girls do know why he is not in the house -- on the day OC was born he had the nerve to take them to the hospital after i had asked him not to because WE had not told them and did not know what that relationship might look like. this has been an ugly situation from the start.

i had not filed for child support yet but the due date (mine) was yesterday and i am sending it in with all of my financial information at the same time. i hadnt filed because i was trying to keep the peace, but you are right that i need to protect the interests of my kids. thank god i have a good job and have been able to pay the bills with what little support he has given. i have been paying the bills of the house for almost a year because of this nonsense.

you are right about needing to see some immediate actions on his part to prove that he is serious... which i have not seen. when he came back from his parents from christmas i made the mistake (yes now it was a mistake) and had sex with him -- i felt pressured into it... prior to that it had been late august? you are right my kids and i deserve better than this. don't worry, that sex thing won't be happening again any time soon. i have a doctors appointment on wednesday so you know i am going to ask for every test under the sun.

i work out and have been working on my house to keep myself occupied and to help burn off stress. i gotta go get my work out in this morning before i go back to work. i start my new job (just received another promotion) today.

You do sound like you have your head on straight in most areas of your life.

I do hope that your H wakes up, but I'm not sure he has yet, although I don't think he wants to lose you.

Good for you! Congratulations! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What is appropriate is any and all boundaries you put in place if he wants to continue a life with his family.

I have access to my Husbands phone records not to say he cant just simply use a pay phone or text message. But if he has a problem with it then he needs to give a dam good reason as to why. I believe if he has nothing to hide then he should not mind. I was the only one with the passcode to his voicemail for a while there also. He had to ask me who called him for the longest unless he checked his own messages from his cell. Which he never did because of wasting minutes.

No Contact with the xOW for him without him calling me immediately after he hung up with her so due to this the xOW has not spoken to him for YEARS now. The lawyers have handled all the communication unless she contacted me directly. I choose at the time to cease all contact because this just triggered me so she had not a direct communication with us at all she even attempted to contact members of the family or friends but we let them know to hang up on her we were not interested in anything that person had to say... so since it is done all through the lawyers now she never communicates anything with us directly and since there is NO CONTACT with OC now. We simply do not hear anything from her at all.

H would fear any contact with the xow now anyway she is simply not well in her head.

Hope you can get to a place were you know they simply do not speak to one another directly at all and its all done through a third party or in the written form.

last night he had the kids and cooked them dinner and then made me a plate, and then left right away because he didn't want to fight with me... hmmm i do need to stop confronting him because you are right he is not going to change and this change that needs to happen needs to come from inside of him. put together new office today, he had to go work out (this is just another thing to add to his plate so he doesn't have to focus on being part of a family -- he wants and has the potential to become a professional fighter) so he of course brought them back to me at work -- they are old enough and i work in a place that is totally kid friendly so it was ok. i think it was an excuse to see my office and see what i was doing... until he stops doing his own thing i don't have much to say to him.

i do think i have things under control in most of my life, however, i find myself wanting to believe what he says only to be disappointed again when he goes back to the same old thing ... me! me! me! he is very selfish in many aspects of his life, and is unhappy where he is in life -- go figure! when you keep messing up and doing selfish things what can you expect? my life revolves around my job and the kids. not much time left for much else. i work around my house to keep myself focussed on something (i have completely redone the whole inside of the house from laying ceramic tile, refinishing hard woods, painting, you name it... i have learned alot) and it does help.

i did not do a very good job keeping focussed today -- not confronting him, yes i said i was going to stop that and i slipped, habit i guess. still hasn't changed that cell phone number nor given up the passwords. tommorrow is going to be a better day. i will stop obsessing over this. someone told me that the minute he finds out that someone else is interested in me he will change his tune real quick... i have been very up front that i am not dating or anything until i have exhausted every opportunity for him to change... but at what point to you just accept that he isn't going to change and move on... is there a magic amount of time? it has been 8 months since we have been separated, he has cheated on me during that time more than once --- and doesn't feel he has to be the one to prove the burden of truth here. accuses me of not changing, his main complaints -- i don't discipline the kids enough (the way he thinks is right), don't keep the house clean enough (house is not white glove clean but it isn't a pig stye either). this is from someone who has not lifted a finger to help with the girls from the time they were small, doesn't help around the house, doesn't pay any of the bills, doesn't help with running the house... it would be amazing what could be done if there was some help running things... actually there has been no change since he moved out not much is different.

tommorrow is going to be a better day.

Hello anewmojo,

I want you to know that I'm thinking about you. This is very difficult but you can do it, either with his help or without. Take care of you and your children, and leave the rest to handle themselves, not your problem.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Take care.

we went through counseling at church too, he did not like what the pastor had to say so he stopped going --- the pastor told him to cut off all communication with her until after the baby was born -- this did not happen because he is a fence straddler. how is the counseling going with your pastor? i know that my relationship with god is the only thing that has kept me remotely on the right path.

the crazy thing about this whole mess? he went on a missionary trip with the church and 2 weeks later we find out that she's pregnant --- god has a funny way of bringing dirt to light. thank you for your prayers.

hi mojo, (cool name by the way!)

you are right, he sounds like a total fence sitter. his justifcations to you are just lame and i hope you taken them for what they are.

i do hope you filed your papers for CS etc. maybe that will be the wake up call that he needs to understand that you are serious about wanting to see changes.

congrats on the promotion by the way. with everything you have been dealing with, that is an enormous achivement. I could barely tie my own shoelaces when all of this blew up for me. you are doing very well indeed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Cheers

Carolyn

Our counseling has been excellent. Our pastor is one that pulls no punches, he says it like it is, and he totally told my H about himself. I give my H credit, he took and took it well.

I told my pastor that I wanted her to abort the child. He told me that was wrong in God's eyes, I knew that already, but it was really how we felt. We then informed him that we didn't want to have anything to do with the OW or the OC. He told us that our Christian responsibility was to pay child support, after that, then we should do what was best for our marriage, which he explained is THE most important thing. So NC is our choice, and he agreed wholeheartedly.

I really suggest you continue going to religious counseling, especially if you feel better. I know that it has helped us, and your H is going to have to acceptive of it for it to work.

I will continue to pray for you. You'll be fine.

our pastor too held nothing back and he couldn't handle that-- i too with she would have had an abortion in the back of my mind but know that that would have been wrong -- it isn't the child's fault that THEY made selfish and stupid decisions that would not be fair to anyone around. i have seen only seen her once really, when he had her at his apartment, very painful... i wish i knew how to get past that. i work with kids and love them all as if they are mine but this is different. i wish he would have chosen NC, but no he actually took my girls to the hospital the night she was born to introduce them to her like a new puppy --- they had no idea. he supposedly told them that the whole situation is WRONG, blah blah blah but who wouldn't be excited about a NEW SISTER??!!??!! they know that this is very painful to mommy, we have had lots of discussions and i have not held the fact that the situation was WRONG back from them. they are very close to me -- even before all of this happened because he was never around and i had been doing it all by myself anyways. i have never played games with him allowing him to see them, unlike OW who uses it as a bargaining tool -- which he has allowed to happen. he doesn't spend as much time with them as i think he should because he is too busy working extra to pay his bills (don't feel sorry for that at all)and training (he wants to become a professional fighter) which has been a sore point with me because i think that there needs to be a balance... which there is not. he wakes up in the morning trying to figure out when he is going to train...

he called yesterday and asked if i still wanted to go to counseling because he was looking for a counselor, i bet he decides to go back to our pastor when he realizes how much it is going to cost. actions speak much louder than words.

gotta go get MY workout in --- (i go to the gym @ 5:30 am while my kids are sleeping so it doesn't interfere with our evenings) today will be a better day!

Today is a better day. Nice way to end your posts. If he wants to save his marriage, there is no debt to high to pay. You deserve the best and so do your children, either he can provide it or he can't. I know you love and for that reason alone, give him a chance, but not forever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

update... follow up from yesterday when he asked if i was still interested in going to counseling... today is a different day obviously, still hasn't made that phone call to set that up, still hasn't changed the cell phone number OR given me his password. Thinks that because he asked me to go to a movie with him this weekend that that just solves everything? i don't think so. today, he gets a call from OW, OC is in the hospital with scarlet fever? i didn't really respond, i practically had to drag out the fact that she had called... i kept asking in the conversation ... "is there anything new... " he finally says, i just talked to OW a few minutes ago and OC is in the hospital with scarlet fever. i did not say anything -- nothing good or bad about it, then i asked what he was really doing? regarding the cell phone or the password issue and asked if he was still talking to OW and another one that is "just a friend." yea right. at that point he ended the conversation. i will not call him back. i don't think that i am going to go to the movies either, why get my hopes up that he can change when he isn't putting forth the first major step in reestablishing some sort of trust level. am i wrong for that?

i am sure he will go to the hospital to see her, go figure, will he take me, no. i don't know if i could be nice to her, actually i would be fine until she said something smart and then it would be on!!! i can't stand the sight of her --- why is it that when they cheat it is always with someone who has less going for them than you do? this is definitely the case.

gotta go back to work. i look forward to reading responses... it sort of keeps me on track and not wavering...

today is going to be a better day (although it isn't over yet!)