I am new here and looking for some input. I am currently going through a divorce. We have only been married 2 1/2 years. We have been seperated for a year. Although we were seperated, we were still trying to work things out. In October, my husband abruptly told me in a phone call that he was done! He got mad at me over something stupid and ended it. A couple of days later, he sent me an email saying that he wanted his house key back because he wanted privacy and that he would respect mine. About a week later, I asked him if he was dating and he said that he was. I know that he left me for another woman. I guess he felt that it was okay since he and I were on and off for a year. There were times we would go a couple of weeks without talking to each other because he was mad at me. Anyway, I believe that is how he tried to justify it.

When we were married, he told me all of the time that he wanted a divorce. He told me after a couple weeks of marriage. He continued to tell me that throughout our marriage. It happened about every week or every other week. He would also get mad at me and sleep on the sofa. This also happened all of the time. Every time he would tell me he wanted a divorce, I would beg him not to do it. He knew how much the marriage meant to me and that I was willing to do whatever it took to work things out.

I began resenting him for telling me all of the time he wanted a divorce. I would tell him how much it hurt me. However, he continued to do it. He would also tell me how unhappy he was and that we were just not right for eachother. It just seemed like no matter what I did, it was wrong! AND I tried so hard to please him. It was like the things that he did were okay and forgivable. However, my mistakes just could not be forgiven or forgotten.

He would constantly tell me how to raise my son. That my son acted like a wus (he actually said the other word). That I did not spend enough time with him and that I was finacially retarded. Money was a huge issue for him.

Anyway, I am having trouble dealing with the fact that he left me for another woman. After all the hard work I did and tried so hard to make our marriage work that he could just dump me at the drop of a dime. I feel like such a fool. I am taking this very hard as I feel like he thought I was just not good enough for him. At the beginning of our marriage, he would tell me what a great marriage he had before. Not only did it hurt, but he would tell me how screwed up our marriage was. This was his third marriage.

Can somebody please help. I really would like some feedback. I just can't get over what he did to me!

I can't get over it either! But I don't mean divorcing you so he could date. I can't imagine anyone telling their spouse every whipstitch that they wanted a divorce. That is incredibly cruel. I can't believe saying the marriage was terrible only a few weeks into it.

LilyGrace, I know you're hurting now, but I think you'll be better off. This man seems to have been determined to smash you to smithereens. Nothing you did was good enough. You probably kept trying harder and harder and it didn't matter. The creep.

Hugs. And welcome.

LilyGrace,
I'm sorry for the pain that you are in, but I too think you are better off. No one deserves to be treated that way. M was important to me too and I did everything to save mine, but now that it is done, I realize that I am better off. You will be surprised at how good it feels not to be belittled and put down. I think the fact that he was M 3 times should tell you everything. It is him not you. Don't ever let him make you feel you weren't good enough for you. You are too good for him.

Thank you Greengables and Luckystar. You are correct Greengables that I would try even harder. Even when I felt he was terribly wrong I would apologize to him and he would not forgive me. He would pout and let me know that whatever I did was unforgivable. I believe he tried to punish me. I just don't understand. He even told me that he has never fought with any women the way he fought with me. I do believe that because his children pretty much told me so. So I have asked myself why he did this to me, but not to the other women he has been with. Was is that we had a blended family or is there something really wrong with me?? Was it that I didn't have a great job and make good money like the other women he dated. I just don't know.

It also bothers me that he is out having a good time with his new girlfriend. That he had a woman who really loved him (although I am not sure why for the way he treated me)and wanted to try and work things out. Instead of trying to save his marriage, he chose to leave and hook up with another woman. It's just not fair!

No, it's not fair. But, LilyGrace, you are making the mistake many, many people make. In the equation of whether he stays or goes, it doesn't really matter that you love him. It only matters how he feels about you.

I know that hurts. You want him to love you. My guess he's incapably of feeling anything deeper than lust or the thrill of the chase. He set you up to fail on many, many levels. There's a book you should read. Dr. Bryn Collins wrote Emotional Unavailability. It will help you understand what went on. It will reassure you that you weren't crazy, hallucinating or nuts.

If he fought with you and not with other women, it's probably because you were harder to break. LOL. That's really good news for you.

LilyGrace...you already know we are/have been in the same boat. But I do have to tell you that I bet he's done this to other women, you just don't know...please don't put this all on yourself...it's really not you, it's him.
My husband is still back and forth...drives me nuts...so as much as I love him...I know it's going to end...sad, huh?

I can relate as my wife is leaving me for another man. While the situations are different, the pain is the same. Like you, we were married about 3 years and I still love her. I know there is nothing I can say to change her mind. Besides the pain, I understand the anger, fear and self-doubt that this situation brings.

The uncertainty kills me and I feel like the future is bleak. I know people who have been through this and I've read the experiences of others on this forum. The message I receive is always the same. Once time passes, things get better and you'll realize your better off. It's hard for me to believe this now as I'm sure it is for you.

The fairness thing frustrates the ****** out of me as well. I think it's important to realize we all make choices. He is making one. Right or wrong he is doing what he wants now. There is no easy way to understand or even accept this. While this may seem insensitive; you have to make a choice. Right now I believe you see yourself as a victim. WHile this may be part of the healing process, I believe it limits your ability to move on. You have to make choices and these are not easy choices. I allow myself to feel what I'm going through, but I have accepted my wife wants to be someone else and not me. My choice is to now move on and start putting my life together without her. Yes I know it's much easier said than done. There are times where I even question what I'm doing, but I still do my best to move forward. I question whether there is something wrong with me, why doesn't she love me? These are hard questions to answer but I made another decision. If I think something is wrong with me, than that's how I'm going to feel. The other people I interact with don't see anything wrong with me. In fact most people, her friends and family included, see somethong wrong with her.

I'm not here to judge but try to look at this objectively. Imagine a person your barely know tells you the story of another couple they know and the situation is identical. Who do you think is at fault? Who do you think has something wrong with them? Who do you feel sorry for? Who do you think did the wrong thing? While we all have faults in a marriage and no one is perfect, the only person you can change and control is yourself. I know your hurt and you love/d him but is he really worth it? Don't you feel there is someone out there that can treat you better?

I wish you well and know you'll find the happiness you deserve.

Greengables - Thank you for the book recommendation. I will try to get it. Maybe it will help me to move forward. Also, may I ask why you feel he set me up to fail on many levels. I do agree with you. I am just wondering what you saw in my thread that made you feel that way. He really did set me up to fail and I am very angry about that. I also know that you are correct that only matters how he feels about me. I guess I just don't understand why he feels the way he does when I feel that I tried very hard and he didn't.

Scarednlost - I am sorry that your husband is still going back and forth. Mine did the exact same thing. When we would make up, he would act extremely positive and a couple of days later he would act like he wasn't sure. It was so hurtful. He pretty much had the attitude that it wasn't going to work most of the time - NO MATTER WHAT I DID TO TRY AND MAKE HIM HAPPY! I really hope your situation changes. As for me, he never quit saying those awful things.

Sonnyboy - I know that you are right. It is just extremely hard to accept that he doesn't want me and that he wants someone else. How did you come to accept that your wife wants someone else? How does one do that? Is it just that guys are different and more of problem solvers and women tend to dwell on their feelings? I just see what he did to me as extremely cruel. I know others here feel the same way about what their spouses did to them and that I am no exception. It's just a hard thing for me to get past. I really do hope I can move forward, but I feel I was so wronged and I guess I do see myself as the victim. I know it takes two to make a marriage work and I certainly was not perfect, but I wasn't as bad as he made me out to be either. It didn't compare to how he treated me. I put forth more effort than I ever did in any other relationship. What happened with you and your wife?