What emotional gains? I have been divorced for 4 years, separated for two years previous to that. Before the betrayal, I was reasonably happy, and believed that more people than not were reasonably trustworthy and dependable. I now know differently - no one can be trusted, no matter how well you think you know them - I know there are people who are trustworthy, but I have no idea how you can identify them. I wasted a quarter of a century on a marriage that meant nothing to my H, only to find out that he was willing to throw away not only the marriage but for all intents and purposes our six children.

I'm sorry, Nellie. I know trust is definately hard to regain, once it has been severly abused! But could you have been happy, again, had you stayed in this M? Could you live with the risk of the betrayal happening again? I'm not trying to sound sarcastic or insensitive. I truly am just wondering which direction would have worked better for you.

My trust was SOOO burned, I vowed to never even think about dating, until my girls were grown. That theory changed about 3 yrs. ago, when I met someone. After all the time I had alone, I never would of guessed, that I still had some trust issues to deal with. I guess the fears were hidden away somewhere deep inside me, and didn't rear its head, until I met someone. I still have decided not to get married, until the girls are graduated. (Two are seniors this year, and my youngest will be next year.) This is so if incase I've misjudged my new relationship, the girls won't be dragged along with me. They've been thru enough!

Anyway, don't lose hope on people. There are some trustworthy people out there, and eventually, you will know who they are and how to identify them.

Take care.......

Jennifer

I've been separated for three years now, my court date for the D is next month. Although I never wanted this to happen I can honestly say that a lot of good things have come out of it.

I didn't realize the person I had become over the years. My spirit had been killed slowly, so I never realized it had happened. Now I have the confidence and love of self that I had lost trying to make my STBXW happy. I certainly was not perfect in our M, but realize there really was nothing I could have done, she has too many issues that no one else can solve for her.

Now at forty-one, I have recently changed jobs, (I'd been doing the same thing for the last twenty years)am going back to school, doing a fairly decent job raising my five kids, and am very enthusiastic about life again.

This new found strength and enthusiasm has carried over into my attitude about relationships. I am very comfortable being alone, but this episode has not damaged my feelings about being in a relationship or even a M in the future. I was more cynical about it all when I was M than I am now. Finding this site when I did and learning the things I have from it have restored my faith in this area too.

Lots to be thankful for!
starman

I'm so happy for you, Starman! I truly wish I would have had a site like this when I was going thru this! It would of helped, ALOT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hearing stories like these would of gave me hope!

Take care,

Jennifer68

I may not have been "happy" again, since the betrayal destroyed my trust, but at least the kids would still have had a father and an intact family. I can not think of a single positive that has come out of the divorce, and there are far too many negatives to list.

I think it is great that you care enough about your kids to stay single until they have graduated. There is a great deal of evidence that children are rarely better off in blended families than they are with single parents, even taking into account the fact that single parents usually have less money.

Nellie 2,

Well, I sure won't argue the less money thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It has definately been a long, hard struggle. I feel fortunate to of had a home to return to with my parents.

Anyway, you're right, your kids would of had a father and an intact family. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way for you, Nellie. At the end of my marriage, I would of wished for nothing more, than for it to work out. I hoped and prayed and spent alot of time, trying different things to make it work. It just wasn't going to happen, no matter my efforts. I mourned it like a death, and it took me along time to pull out. I only wish I had a place like this to come to during that time in my life, which I viewed as tragic. No winners.

Yeah, I've come along way, but I will NEVER forget those feelings of loss, saddness, grief and despair.

I hope and wish the best for you, Nellie. I truly do! I'll pray about this and your happiness, and the well-being of you and your children.

Take care...

Jennifer68

OK Jennifer68,

Is the 68 your age, birth year or graduation year? You don't have to answer but it's a curious thing. I can tell you do have a story so when you feel the time is right go ahead and share. I lurk here and there to see that the pain is the same even if the stories are a tad bit different. We all process and deal with this stuff differently which says a lot for our sense of survival, trust in God and grit or lack of. I'm almost three years into recovery so am probably in the wrong thread but like where the conversation is going. BUT, I've survived 3 divorces <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and that in itself is a story so maybe this is a good site for me. Oh well, I'm rambling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> so must go off to bed......Tunk

Tunk,

68 is my birth year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I'm 37 yrs. old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I graduated in 86. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Jennifer is my middle name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think I pretty much spilled most of my story at the bottom of the first page of this thread. Not much more to tell, other than the new man in my life, which is definately a NEW chapter I'm adjusting to!! That would probably be a whole different thread, on another board.

A couple of years ago, I saw on this site, where you could do a profile on yourself. I can't seem to find it here, now. Is there still a profile section?

Anyway, you're right, we all process and deal with it differently. We all have different survival skills of divorce. And it's always interesting to me to see how others managed and survived thru it all.

Now I'M rambling! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Maybe it is finally bedtime. Work comes early!

God Bless, Tunk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer68

If I missed something in my story on the first page, let me know, and I'll be happy to fill in the blanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks...

Jennifer68

Yeah it won't be so bad if we did not have to bring kids into this world. Isn't that what marriage is all about? building history, starting a family. My first marriage we did not have any kids and I was able to move on because I totally lost all contact with her, only by accident run into her for her grandmother's funeral, we have been friends since then. Her gain from our divorce was a child out of wed lock, has been in and out of relationships with various men and she asked me one time " What happened to us"? In fact she has been married twice since then for a total of 4 times.

At times it is difficult for my kids to function without their mother, seven months since she left them behind I am so grateful to my ex-sister in law and my friend for providing them with the motherly nature that they so desperately need. Divorce only hurts our kids more than us adults, they are the ones who have to grow up knowing that their parents are not together, many times in blended families, I personally do not believe in a blended family.. My kids will always come first before someone else kids.

Yes, the kids are the ones who really pay. In my case, I felt my kids would of paid a higher price, by staying. Because of the fact that he was drinking and using drugs. I didn't want them exposed to all the ugliness that goes along with that. And believe me, it was UGLY!

Now, they have been able to rebuild their relationship with their dad. Even though we are now friends, my guard will always be up with him!

Absoluetly, exposing kids to this is a tragedy, glad you did what you did.

Your kids will appreciate one day the job you have done....

Thankyou, Alone. Those are encouraging words! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> God Bless!

Hello, I am totlly new to all this. I am NOT divorced yet and don't know if I will be but it's heading down that way and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck in a relationship that is going no where and I am putting my 2 babies through something that they do not deserve. I have so many questions? Like, what do I tell my kids (7&3), should I just do it, will he ever change, how do I beleive him EVER??? He's not a bad person but he's just not in love with me anymore and I deserve someone to love me. I don't want to go through the heart ache or head ache anymore. I have changed my whole life for him, and for what? All I get is a bad head ache from crying or arguing. SHould I consider divorce? Should I consider counseling? I am here to look for advice that I know I will not get here at home.
Anyone willing to help?

Welcome, Deejay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well, you've come to the right place! There are people here at MB, that have ALOT of knowledge on this subject.

Just a few questions. How long have you been married? And did he actually say he doesn't love you anymore, or is it his actions that are speaking? What is it he needs to change? How has he violated your trust?

Sorry, I know that's alot of questions. Also, FYI, you also might try posting on the General Questions II board. It moves alot faster with quicker responses.

Anyhow, I'm glad you found your way here! There is alot of support and info. here to learn from! No matter which way things go for you, there's a place here for all the support you need! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Take care...

Jennifer68

Hi, I'm not D yet though it is coming up.

The gains are:

• Regaining some of my self-respect;
• Dinner is served at 7:00, not "whenever H gets home"
• STBXH is actually nicer to me;
• I moved back into the Master Bedroom and I can spread out all over the bed!
• I've got his side of the closet for my things;
• After he moved out I painted the front hall in bright, happy colors and made it a dining room;
• Just yesterday I realized that since he moved out, I'm starting to get over him;
• I don't know what he is doing with "that" woman because I can't snoop.

AMEN, Bellevue!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> FREEDOM all the way!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Isn't the "Nicer STBXH" the weird part? Funny how that works! Who da' thought? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...

Jennifer68

Yeah, where'd the niceness come from?
He just couln't seem to dig it up from his personality all those years.
I think it's just another "stage" he's going through. I'm not letting it fool me into thinking that maybe he has seen the light, broken off with "that woman" or been counseling with one of the Harleys. Call me cynical.

Well, it's probably best to keep your guard up. It's safer. Trust is just not an easy thing, anymore, is it.

I'm wondering if my STBX will ever want to be 'nice' to me again!

He hates me for sending exposure letters to his place of work ('trying to get him sacked' he said) and to OW's parents. They were apparantly quite upset that their good Catholic daughter was living with a married man! So I'm devil spawn to him now.

Not that I'm wanting to be friends with him, you understand. I'd quite happily never see him again, but as we have children together that's impossible. If OW were out of the picture, I could have a better relationship with him, but I really think that STBX and OW might be one of the 3% that make it... I've certainly seen no sign of any cracks in the relationship anyway - still, it's only been nine and a half months since they moved in together.

I'm done waiting, in any case. Learning to love my independence too much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.