I like your letter. It feels good because the time is right for it.

JMHO,
L.

I had a session w/ SH this AM he said he feels my energy level wavering but enc me to hold on for another month.

After I brought him up to date on my situation. He suggested I be a broken record about going to MC and/or having WH talk to him. The goal is clear...Not just stay married but be in love with eachother and happy.

Although we don't know if A continues his best guess was that by WH behaviors...he has done some introspection and came up with things that he can work on to make up for A and marriage would fall in place. Kind of backwards...work on marriage and everything else falls in place. He said I need to make this absolutely clear and hammer it into WH head. I need to plead for him to help me. I said that seemed counterproductive that I thought I wasn't suppose to appear needy. He said not to be whiny but making my needs known is not being needy. He said to stop talk of separation or D because it will come off as threat to WH.

Before recovery can even begin. WH needs to:
1) Convince me that she is gone. Transparency. zero tolerance for contact.

2)He needs to convice me that he understands why it happened and effect on me and kids.To help ensure it won't happen again.

3)Tell me about A. How it happened, who knew, who helped, what they did, where they went, how it ended. TOTAL disclosure.

Without working on these stages healing cannot even begin.
He thought it was ok that I packed SAA and wrote the note that it might help open the door for discussion.

We'll see.

bump for comments

This is going to hard. I'm gonna need some support.

I'd take it another step and say something like:

BS: Ws, what you are currently showing me is that you want me t/b unhappy and not safe. Why? NOTE: Ask open ended questions so he has to say more than yes or no. If the WS doesn't answer then let him know his silence has given you your answer, then walk away without telling him what that answer is. If he doesn't wonder, you will have saved yourself some heartache.....he doesn't care. If he says something, work with it but don't pull him.....let him sink or swim by himself. Be patient on the resuls. Most WSH's are slow because they know their wives have a lot to say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.

WH returned from Puerto Rico last night. Much to my surprise he is reading SAA...I didn't think he would.

Good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

WH seems to be making some effort this weekend. He has intiated conversation several times regaurding his work and work on the house which did actually led to some small talk. Its funny...over the years we lost small talk. We would talk about kids, work, scheduling, bills...mostly facts and problems. We informed eachother of things but not actually give and take conversations...exploring ideas. So I see small talk as encouraging.

We worked on the attic TOGETHER and got quite a bit done. He has a friend coming next weekend to help finish the heavy work. He ASKED me to help him clear some stuff out. We found some treasures. Things from the late 1800's some silver, some crystal, jewelry, beaded purses, opera glasses, a bible dedicated and dated 1881, medical equipment stethoscope, gyncological tools, beautiful high necked dresses that disinegrated with touch and even some flapper dresses from the 20's and of course a beautifully preserved polyester leisure suit circa 1972!

Things were going well...we always did work well together. We had the radio playing. Then it happened..."their song" came on. Amazed by Lone Star. Last spring "Amazed" came on the radio while I was driving. I had always liked that song...but this one time I suddenly got sick to stomach and I just knew it was their song. The next day I was riding in the car with my WH and it came on the radio I quickly changed the station. In an IM message captured by OWH around that time...WH told OW about the incident. She wonder how I could know about the song. So that confirmed it. Now I just can't bare to hear that song talking about love and undying devotion. So in the attic when the song came on I was in the middle of boxes and couldn't reach the radio. He acted as if he didn't hear the song. Finally I just couldn't take it 1 second longer and turned the radio off. Soon after that he left the attic and spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping in his chair. (guilt? avoidance?)

After dinner he volunteered to wash the dishes (very rare). Later I went down to the basement to switch the laundry and he had already done it. (even more rare).

This afternoon he is going back down to Puerto Rico until Friday. I had terrible dreams this morning after he left for work. I think I will miss him this week. You think maybe he'll miss me too? He is taking SAA w/ him.

^^bump^^

confused, all of this small things point to progress in my opinion. I KWYM about small talk. We lost that long ago and have just found it again. My H spent so much time on the phone with OW why would he need to have small talk with me? I got so used to biz like convos that I lost the ability to chat with him. What is he doing to make you feel safe while he is gone?

Safe? Whats that? lol! Since we have yet to address the real issues of the affair, how and why it started and how to prevent it from happening again, I have concerns that with him spending so much time in Puerto Rico that he could develop a different OW. He has not yet committed to our M, at least not verbally.

Last week and this week he is in Puerto Rico with a woman he works with. I know RED FLAG. I knew that she was going but I have never met her. She is Russian. So of course I get a picture of a statuesqe "Bond Girl". During our small talk this weekend he mentioned that after this trip he didn't think she would be travelling again...her husband that she has been married to for 35 years was having difficult surviving without her since they hadn't been separated for more the 1 night their entire marriage.

When he is there he generally works 10-12/day...we send emails back and forth and he calls everynight. At this point I have accepted that our marriage may not survive and if he is going to have A...he could have it anywhere. I am trying to stay a little detached to protect myself.

I got an email last night from OW's bestfriend, I have been friendly with her (we were a large circle of friends) but since exposure last year I have had little contact with her.In her email she mentioned she had contacted my H and he told her that the Daytona trip was for my birthday. She asked how we were and how our holidays were etc...it seemed a little odd...kind of like a fishing expedition. I responded and told that I enjoyed our holidays, we spent them with H's family and that my new job allows a lot more family time. I think she was trying to dig up info for OW and I don't think WH gave her much. I am going to ask WH about it when he calls tonight. He hadn't mentioned that he talked to her.

I talked to WH tonight. There was something about his voice...he actually sounded like he was glad to talk to me and not the monotone one word blah answers. During our conversation I told him I got email from OW's friend, he admitted they had exchanged emails. (His work email...I have no access) He got very quiet after that. Not angry just quiet. I was relieved he didn't try to deny that she had contacted him. Deny, deny, deny is all I heard for a long time.

SH asked me to wait a month...I guess we'll see how it goes.

....to WH returning home from business trip tomorrow. His phone calls the last couple days have been odd...quiet...distracted. Last night after he talked to the kids he asked to speak to me. When I got on the phone he had nothing to say, when I said somehthing or asked him something he would reply "yeah..uh,huh" (meaning I know you said something but I'm not listening). Finally I asked if he was in the middle of something. He was typing something up for a project for work...or maybe he was emailing OW...I dunno. I got angry but didn't LB just cut the coversation short and said goodbye so he could concentrate on his project. I was angry because he is out of the country...he couldn't close the computer for 2 minutes to talk to me. It just reminded me of all the times when everything else was so much more important than me. I have a bad feeling...I don't think things will ever change...I won't live like that...so I guess they will change afterall.

Tonight WH called during a commercial for Smallville thats the one show the whole family usually watches together. It was on the same network same time in Puerto Rico. He talked to the kids and again asked to speak to me. But he was watching the show and typing at the same time. I told him if he wanted to talk to me he could call back when he wasn't in the middle of things then I hung up. He called later but I was in the shower. He hasn't called back again.

I'm not looking forward to him coming home...its been peaceful. I doubt he has read any more of SAA, I think he will avoid talk of A or M.

C42, just wanted to drop by and let you know to hand tough even for another month as SH suggested. I know how you feel when the negative thoughts start running through your head and subconsciuosly this will be picked up by WS. I try to think about some of the good times so I'm not constantly filling my brain with all the awful stuff. It helps me think of WS in a better light and leaves me less prone to LB.

Hang in there...things will get better with or without him.

Thanks Hope

I think I intentionally block the memories of the good times in a effort to protect myself. But I really hate being negative but that is what sneaks in when you aren't looking.

When he gets home I guess its time to be the broken record like SH suggested. I'm not looking forward to that either. I've never developed the talent for nagging.

Wow, C42, I like this reasoning alot. Makes quite a bit of sense to me. This whole secretive thing that the WS and OP share just to themselves makes me sick to my stomach !!!!

I used to think that when/if my WH told the OW that it was absolutely finally over, she would call me out of revenge. In a sick, sad way when I look back over the last few years, I can almost pin point when "they" have "broken up" by his moods. It hurts so much to see him so ridiculously happy for no reason, and so very very sad for the same no reason. Near New Year's he told me that he would be so happy when this year was over. Because it was the worst year of his life !!! Excuse me ??? Um... I am not aware of one single thing that could qualify that statement. Hm.... guess my little exposure tricks worked !!!

Thanks so much, C42 for sharing and helping others. I thought my WH was going to be home this weekend, actually he is only one hour away, in a truck terminal and frankly I just don't have it in me to go meet with him.

Then on the other hand.... sounds quite convenient that he is soooo close but unable to come home.... I really really can not lose any more sleep over this.... I really will not let him have that much power and control over things like this in my life anymore.

I am here at home where I belong. He certainly knows where I am. Too bad for him if he chooses to go elsewhere.....

Dear God, I so understand why you made adultry one of the ten commandments. You were right, God --- it sucks !!!!

Carnation

Hi Carnation I just saw your post.

I guess one of the biggest things to accept is that we cannot control WS...

We need to do the best we can for ourselves and our families...figure out what we can and can't live with. We need to accept our responsibilities and forgive ourselves and if our marriage fails its not that we (BS's) failed. WS may not ever get it...but that is their cross to bare.

This weekend has been good WH's HS friend came to help him work on the attic and his kids are here playing with our kids. To an outsider everything looks great except that darn elephant sitting in the livingroom!

Bumped for inquiring minds!

This pretty much sums up what it feels like doesn't it?

You know C42, you've been in Plan A a long time, much longer than me. I can gauge by your posts that the love for you WS is slowly depleting from you LB. When that happens, your Taker starts to supress your Giver and you begin to LB. Sometimes you may notice yourself thinking negative things about WH which lead to a DJ, SD or even AO.

Are you ready for Plan B? Has your WH given you any indication on which side of the fence he is on? I think I know how your feeling right now and it's not healthy to your M. You so miss your EN not being met and are thinking or other men, you are resenting you WH for how he is treating you, but you still feel for him. He may not be openly angry at you, but his silence, distance and disrespectful comments are wearing you down.

I know where you are and wish I could slap your WH upside the head for you. Yes as a BS you must take some responsibility for the breakdown of your M...you have done that. I think you are well overdue for Plan B and with the help people on this site can try to help you develop a plan to get to Plan B. I'm not an expert here, but hopefully we can get some help from others who can assist you.

I believe plan B is overdue as well. The problem is he won't leave. I have asked him to and he refuses. He has just returned from a business trip so I will now try to implement what SH suggested about being a broken record about working on the M.

I figure it will go 1 of 3 ways:
1)A miracle will occur and he'll open up and begin to work on the marriage. (not holding my breath) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2)He'll get tired of me being a broken record and get angry and leave. (definite possibility) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

3)He'll get angry and dig his heels in and be more miserable. I will have to start legal proceedings whether I want D or not...by that time I will probably want it. (this is most likely) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

With option 2 or 3 I will go to plan B.

Your assessment is right on target.

I wish you could come slap him upside the head. Why do WS's make a horrible situation even more difficult.

One thing I have learned ( a little too late) that DO NOT let WS come home too soon. I could kick myself 1,000 times for letting him back home so soon last March. That may have been my only chance...but I caved...I wanted to believe him...I wanted to believe he was not the average run of the mill WS. Had I kept him out when he voluntarily left we could be into recovery by now. No use beating myself up...it is what it is. I have learned that lesson and try to pass it along.

Bump for comfortably numb....I appreciate any insight. I have other threads in the archives I suppose...last year from D-Day and such but this is the most current thread. Thanks I really appreciate your input.

Well, have you thought of doing a 180? It might help, since Plan B would be difficult with him in the house. At least it would give you a feeling of some control in your life.