I've done a few 180's here and there that he has noticed. But I didn't really do them to get his attention I did them for me. Like last year on my birthday I got tickets for Larry the Cable Guy ...he refused to go. So I went away with my dgt and sister, BIL and their kids for the weekend and the adults went to the show. I've also seen Jimmy Buffet and Keith Urban without him this year.

My birthday is coming up in a couple weeks...I'll come up with something cause I don't think he is going to want to spend it with me and I am not going to just sit home....I'm not gettin' any younger! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Confused -

Just wanted to pop in & lend my support! Hang in there.....

Take care!!

Kim

((( C42 )))

BTDT Last summer in the very, very height of my WH craziness over A, me suspecting, but not sure yet.... we are in the car.. this is a man who likes his old hard rock music.... Nothing 'Bout Love Makes Sense" by Lee Ann Rhimes (not totally sure of the exact title) came on the radio and..... he turned it up !!! I wanted to die a thousand deaths. Kept my mouth shut and since I was the one driving, somehow managed not to stir his side of the car into something big and unmovable !!

And, my Wal Mart likes to play this exact video all the time in the grocery dept. on overhead tvs. So far I have been lucky as he has not been with me when this has played. But, I do believe that the excruciating pain that I felt that first time when he turned the volume up can not be reproduced. Thank God for that. (maybe.....)

Things sound a little better for you C42. Him reading SAA is very good sign, I think. Then again, Wh and me listened to the entire 4 tape HNHN in the truck... the love fest was short lived !! Although he does refer to his love bank from time to time.

Side note here -- If I am doing a good job of filling up his love bank, do I refer to this as HIS love bank, or mine. This confuses me.

Very best regards to you C42 - car

Thanks for stopping by Kim its always nice to have company.



Hi Car...I think its if you fill his emotional need you make a deposit into his love bank....your account LOL! And if he does something nice for you he fills YOUR love bank.

BTW WH deposited in my LB last night...but I don't think he meant too. After I came home from work I was starting dinner...chicken. The kids each wanted something different and were attempting to get me to change my mind when WH got home from work. So we asked him what he felt like for dinner because I was on cooking 1 dinner not 4. He said "How about let's go out to dinner...I'd like to try the Stone Grill...my treat." The food was great we had good conversation (the 4 of us) and I didn't have to cook or clean up (major points, I was tired) So even if he only wanted to go to avoid chicken it still scored points w/me. Pathetic.

After we got home, I grabbed a shower then went down to basement to do laundry and get ready for the guys to come this AM to work on water meter. By the time I came up stairs WH had gone to bed and was asleep.

I had emailed WH yesterday and asked if he was still reading SAA and told him there were some things I wanted to talk to him about. I think the events of last night were to avoid any kind of "talk".

I had emailed WH yesterday and asked if he was still reading SAA and told him there were some things I wanted to talk to him about. I think the events of last night were to avoid any kind of "talk".


((( C42 )))

The above, does this consume your every thought on your WH ? Like, why is he doing this, what did he mean by that, where is he ???

If only I could get some serious talk... get him to open up... I need the key to unlock this...

I do not want a shallow marriage where we talk about the neighbors, etc... everything but us !!

What a treat, dinner out. Although my WH is gone so much, when he is home he usually likes to cook. Which works for me.

My very best to you, Carnation

Well I guess the broken record thing worked a little. I finally got FWH to talk a bit. I think the difference in my approach was that I didn't sound desparate. I was not tearful or whiny. Through our conversation and his actions I am 99.9999% sure there is no contact. I believe the A has ended and he is NOT happy about it.

He sarcastically apologized that the events of last year "affected" me. I didn't get angry or LB..it just made me realize that he doesn't "get it". He continues to deflect blame, he is not remorseful. I asked him how long A went on and he couldn't answer me. I believe that too..because I'm sure the line was blurred for a long time. She presented herself as one of the guys, buddy, pal and made LB deposits over years without FWH even thinking about it. I saw the look in her eye long ago...I should have been a betch..instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt.

The question is what do I do now? How much more can I take before my LB is empty? I will continue to try and engage him in conversation. I will continue to work on my personal recovery.

Looking for input from others involved in LTA and prolonged withdrawl.
Suzet thanks so much for the link on the other thread I will print it out and keep rereading.

I thought of a gift to give FWH/WH for Valentine's Day....A blank card with something like the following written inside:

Dear WS,
I’ve been thinking a lot about Valentine’s Day…I’ve had a difficult time thinking of an appropriate gift. Things are not as simple as they use to be. There is still one thing we have in common. We love our children and want to give them the best home possible.

I want our kids to grow up in a home that is happy and loving. The best chance for that to happen is for their parents (us) to be happy and loving. My gift is a session with Marriage Builder’s counselor Steve Harley. I have talked with him 2 times this past year and he has helped me more than all the sessions we had with Dr. XXX. I hope that you will accept this gift even if only to benefit the kids.

With Love,
C42


....What do you think?

Condensed version update:
talked to FWH on 1/8/06 asked his intentions got the same old I don't know what I want. I asked him to leave he refused, saying his was home for the kids and to work on the house. He didn't know where his feelings for me were. Refused counseling, refused to address issues. I called Steve Harley he said to hang in there for another month.

He refused to talk to SH but start reading SAA. He made arrangements for us (and another couple) to go to Daytona for the opening of NASCAR season. We returned on 2/20 I emailed my lawyer 2/21....I'm getting ahead of myself, sorry.

2/11 was my birthday. He said "happy birthday" no gift no card from him. 2/14 Valentine's Day he brought me home a single redrose, chocolates and balloons. I bought him nothing but made a special dinner with favorite foods. I thought it was nice but it didn't feel sincere, I thanked him. It seemed like fancy coated crumbs to shut me up.

We went down to Daytona and there was nothing terrible just more of the SOS he's been doing for months. Ignoring me, making a fuss over the little things anybody else does but not acknowledging any of my efforts. Making it very difficult to be in the same room with him...I'm just soooo sick of it. I know it sounds kind of petty...but he does not treat me the way I deserve to be treated. No respect. No affection. No humor. I feel more like a servant than a wife.

When we got back I told him that I feared our beloved family dog (border collie)"Sugar" was showing signs of diabetes that her litter mate sister had shown (Spice died fall 2004). I was very tearful and upset about this. I love my dog a lot. She is loyal, affectionate and smart. He does not like the dog. I asked that he be a little more sensitive and compassionate to the dog. He said "I'll go have her put to sleep if you want me too." I guess thats his idea of compassion.

I told him that on the trip I had thought a lot about our marriage and that the way it is now just doesn't work. He said he had hoped the trip would help us but he feels nothing for me. The coldness in his eyes, the look was cruel. I said I knew how much he loved the kids and I was surprised he hasn't fought to save the family. He said "I did. What do you think the trip cross country and the trip for Daytona was for?" I asked how he expected that to save the marriage when he wasn't even willing to identify issues to work on. I said "You can redecorated a room but if you still have an elephant in it, it will still stink" So I told him I conceded, he won...we don't have to address our issues. But I was not going to live like this any longer. I emailed my lawyer the next day and will start the process for D.

I have a tiny seed of hope locked deep in my heart...I will protect it as long as I can. I don't know that he will ever "get it"

I could use some support.

bump

looking for support

How did your WH react to the news of your lawyer visit?

((((((((((C42))))))))

Thinking of you today....

Sorry you need to go the D route.... I know it's not what you wanted...

Confused,

I wish I had some words to comfort you and make things better for you.

Just know we are all here for you and to support you in your descion. I know this is not what you wanted. Nothing wrong with keeping that little seed of hope inside, I think we all have one tucked away.

Take care,

Hurting

C42 - You are a strong woman. You have really put a lot of effort into your marriage. Does your WH know you are filing for D?

I don't think you need us to tell you that you are going to be ok, because you have worked hard on yourself through all of this. I know you must feel sad, but you are making the right decision for YOU!

I gotta tell you I know exactly how you feel! Scary how similar our situations are!

You have my FULL support! ((((C42))))

C42, I know you are in a tough situation and I can truly sypathize with you. Decisions like these are never easy, but remember you have fought long and hard for your M and family. You didn't give up and you won't settle for crumbs either. I understand.

If you decide to D, I will completely support your decsion
to do so.

Thanks so much for your support guys! It means so much because you REALLY know what this is like. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. But I see no other choice. If he would have left willing I'd be in plan B but without filing for D I can't make him leave. I'm hoping he will opt for separation of 18 months rather than forcing me to name cause for mental creulty. Maybe that would give him time for reality to set in. But the ball is no longer in his court. I'm not playing games, I'd rather be D than go on living in a marriage like this.

I think he believes I am bluffing. I forwarded web info on apts and the letter I sent my lawyer to him. I'm not bluffing. I'm not thrilled to do this. I don't want vengance, I want peace. I am not the same woman I was when this thing started 2 YEARS ago. I have grown, I am stronger, I have faced my demons and chased them from the shadows. I pray that my husband will do the same.

I'm not saying I would never take him back. I am resolved in that I will not accept crumbs or less than I deserve. He would have a heck of a lot to prove. I don't think he will try at least no right away. He thinks I will cave. I won't. I'm done playing...but that doesn't make it easy.

Thanks so much. (((MB friends)))I never would have been able to make it here without you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just checking in. I am surprised at myself. I am not second guessing myself about all this. I feel I have already grieved the loss of my marriage. I am sure there will be times when I don't feel so strong...especially when it comes time to talk to the kids. But right now I feel good, kind of relieved...I feel like I have control of my life back and I am no longer in limbo. Limbo was always the worst for me.

I saw friend of OW last night. She said how miserable OW is and no one wants to be around her (from our former circle of friends) She complains about how much she hates her H but won't do anything about it...leave or fix marriage. Sounds like my F?WH.

I spoke to OWH today to make him aware I was filing. He confirmed what OW friend said. She won't commit but doesn't want D. I'd bet OW and WH are still in some kind of contact. Tortured soulmates, sacrificing their happiness for their children. Gag me! She can have him.

bump just in case pebbles is peeking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for giving an update C42. You do sound strong. You have had a lot of time to work on yourself and seem to be in a good place right now.

What about WH? Does he know you are filing for D? He is still coming home everyday, right? When is he going to move out? Have you two talked about this D thing yet?

Make sure you keep us updated. I am sure you will have good days and bad. We are here to lend support to you!!!

Hi C42,

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I am not second guessing myself about all this.
----------------------------------------------------------

I think this is a good sign.... that you know you have tried as much as you could.... and that you are not just looking for a 'reaction' from WS... sounds like you are ready for the D..... ready to turn the page... ready to let go....

Keep us update about your journey.... because that's what we are all on....

WH knows about D...he hasn't said much about it. (surprise, surprise)Has not tried to talk me out of it. He called from Puerto Rico last night and we talked for about 1/2 hr about his work. I can be pleasant and kind, we're not fighting...it doesn't change a thing, I am moving ahead.

I am working on the financial paperwork stuff, he agreed to help and work it out before I submit to lawyer. I put in for vacation time for the summer and booked a place down the shore for me and the kids.

He will be returning from Puerto Rico tonight. I expect him to go help his brother work on his house over the weekend. He will be home for one week and then return to Puerto Rico for M-F, home 1 week, Puerto Rico M-F.