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iluvmy2 Offline OP
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Here is the scenario. My husband is:

- a caring and involved father to our 2 children, 9 and 4.
-A good provider. He makes good money and contributes to the needs of the house and family
- Doesn’t drink alcohol, smoke, do drugs, or gamble
- Isn’t physically abusive
- Doesn't stay out extremely late or "hang out with the boys" frequently.


However he has a problem:

- He has been involved in at least 7 "inappropriate" relationships during the 12 years of marriage.
- I define inappropriate as doing or saying anything with someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn't do or say if your spouse were there.
- Some are women that he meets through work (he's in sales), he builds friendships and talks to them on his cell phone frequently. These "friends" never call our house and he never talks to me about them, until of course I find out about them.
- He has picked up women in clubs and contacts them afterwards. There is one that I know of that he kissed the night he met her. He said that was the extent of the "relationship".
- He has had 1 specific "other" woman in his life on and off for 8 years of our marriage. She started as a friend it progressed into a physical relationship which included oral sex and he has admitted to intercourse with her at least once
- He recently had oral sex with a co-worker at a team meeting in October

Given that we have been through various incidents over the years and I have repeatedly asked him to stop, I went to a divorce lawyer this time.
- Has apologized profusely and said that he doesn't want a divorce and wants to work it out
- He says he realized that he has made bad choices and he doesn't want to keep lying to me and negatively affecting his family
- He is in therapy and has gone to 4 or 5 sessions because he realizes that something is wrong and wants to save the marriage
- He has done therapy before when he got busted but has never followed through as much as this time
- His therapist and I believe that there are some childhood issues that effect his need for attention. Which is not an excuse just an explanation
- Claims that his behavior is a combination of a lack of happiness/satisfaction in the marraige and the fact that he is normal and most men have these inappropriate relationships (cheat) in some way at some time in a marriage
- Has expressed anger towards me for snooping and busting him

1) So is it worth attempting to rebuild and recover with a person like this.

2)Can a repeat offender be "reformed" and is it worth giving him yet ANOTHER chance???

Last edited by iluvmy2; 01/15/06 12:18 AM.
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Sounds like he is a sex addict. If he is, it really has little to do with sex, but more with his childhood.

HOWEVER, he is taking the chance of exposing you to STD's. Unless he gets help, things won't get better.

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So can a person like this be "reformed" and is it worth giving him yet ANOTHER chance???

I'd like your perspective.

Yes, anyone can change......However, you should re-read what you yourself posted and put it on an imaginary scale. Which way does the scale tip?

"Another chance"...??? He's had at least 7 affairs and probably countless more.

I'd honestly have to ask you what you think giving him another chance will accomplish here? What makes you think that giving him another chance will make things different this time?

These are things you should be asking yourself. Anyone of us can tell you that your Husband will repent and that giving him another chance is the right thing to do for you and your children...is that what you are looking for?

If your daughter were writing this post and asked the same questions, what would you advise?

Would you tell her to give him another chance?

Lem

Last edited by lemonman; 01/09/06 10:50 PM.

Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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OMG i am living in your nightmare as well. basically the same scenerio been together for 15 years total, he too has had multiple inappropriate friendships which progressed into other stuff and he has a OC with one of his OW's. i too want to know if a repeat offender can be changed. oh yea, we have had exposure to an STD but for some reason (grace of god) i have not gotten it.

i am glad to hear that yours is actually seeking help, mine continues to not want to be "controlled" -- held accountable to anything so i think i am ready to move on. i do think there is someone out there that would value me for who i am and treat me like i deserve to be treated.

i always say to myself -- today will be a better day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Me BS 36 WH 35 married 7/95 DD 7/95 DD 6/96 OC born 12/04 2 many false recoveries to count
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i always say to myself -- today will be a better day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anewmojo:

OK, so tell me when you say "today will be a better day" what are you hoping for by saying "better day"?.

Your living a nightmare no doubt, but this is a nightmare that you can wake up from and terminate any time you want.

There are no impossibles in life, you always have a choice.

Lem


Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.

I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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It CAN happen with the proper motivation; we are friends with a couple that went thru similar sitches and came out the other side with God's help and SA. It is a long and arduous path, and not everyone makes it by a long shot. But there is hope.


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
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Hey, at least you know what to expect with him so you can't complain when he just does what you expect! This sounds like a way of life with him and if he can have several women, and get away with it, who can blame him?

Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It doesn't say so in my signature (run out of room!) but my H had PA during our engagement, ONS after our wedding, EA with co-worker 4 yrs into our M, other ONS during drinking/alcoholism bouts, all before the grand EA/PA of 2004.

It IS possible to recover, but you are right - probably major childhood issues (sexual abuse is a common root) and he would need the proper motivation to change. Is he a reflective type of man who TRIES to work on himself (hard!) or does he "go with the flow"?


BW 43 me
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OC 8-05 - no contact
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iluvmy2, Yes, anyone can change IF they want to. It sounds like he is trying to work on it right now. I would set a very strong boundry of continuing IC as manditory because he will NOT change unless he digs into himself. if he all of a sudden wants to quit IC, then i think you have a very big problem on your hands.

aneqmojo, as you can guess, my answer to you is... you have a very serious problem on your hands. you cannot force him to face his addiction, you can only choose if you are willing to live with it or not.

i am a person that had multiple affairs, i have changed, it is possible. it was not easy.

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FinallyLearning-T2M,

I'm curious & maybe it would be helpful to know what happened that made you change?


BS (me) 40 FWH 39
Married: 2/14/99
Together: 16 years
DD 6, DS 4, DD 3, DD 2, DS 2
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you are absolutally right... i have had more deal breakers than i can count, i guess i was hoping that god could change him into doing the right thing but my faith in that is wavering because even when he was in church he was doing the same nonsense. i have cut off communication with him, my dd's have a bb game tonight so i sent an email "the girls have a bb game @ 7." nothing else. just tired of the nonsense... need to file and be done with this...

someone said that they can change if they really want to... what does that really look like? if this is an addiction do i keep dealing with the "relapses" or draw a line in the sand and if he crosses it erase the board? i have a problem with his inapproprate female friendships and him talking to other women PERIOD... and he doesn't seem to want to make that change, refuses to give me access to his cell phone account (because i am controling him) and thinks it's ok to talk to his OW without me involved in the conversation... as a matter of fact he had OW/OC at his apartment last weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Me BS 36 WH 35 married 7/95 DD 7/95 DD 6/96 OC born 12/04 2 many false recoveries to count
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Obtain a copy of the book OUT OF THE SHADOWS by Patrick Carnes and let your husband read it and see if he can identify with what the book describes. The book is about sexual addiction and it goes into detail about the symptoms and what causes a person to become a sexual addict.

If your husband has childhood issues those issues could be the cause of his addiction. Usually the roots of sexual addiction go back to childhood.

And to your question of "can a repeat offender be reformed?" Only if the offender themselves makes the change. But it takes a lot of work. It took me a year of weekly individual counseling, plus group counseling, along with weekly accountability groups and a psychiatrist to make my changes. It's not an easy task, but it's possible. The offender just has to want it bad enough.

I have made changes that I had thought would never have been possible to do. So it can be done.

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i luv my 2:

As others have stated,
Of course anyone "can" change (meaning has the Ability too do so).

However,
your question should be WILL your H change??

As NO ONE has the complete answer,
best you can do is ask the Odds.

Unfortunately,
as of Right Now .......they don't look good.

Cause,
for your H to Really Change "he" has to want to.
That's the Only way to get lifelong lasting change.
[And even then it can be a real challenge].

So,
At this moment in time Why would your H choose to change his behavior??

I've read of NO reason for him to do so. (Sadly, your Pain doesn't seem to be effecting him in the way you'd wish ....long term).

Most people ONLY change a pleasurable behavior, habit or pattern ONCE it becomes more Painful (to them personally) then it is enjoyable.

So,
what Real Consequences has your H had to endure as a result of his actions?

Seems that "whatever" they've been .....he's OK to live and deal with them.

Bottom line is that if he doesn't "get it" for himself .........no amount of spying, bitching or even crying will make a difference to him.
He may stop Short Term to placate you ........but as you've seen This "is" his lifestyle and he will go back.

Then in that case its all a matter of what you can live, deal and put up with.

As too whether its "worth it" or not .........sadly, only YOU can answer that.
We are NOT as invested as you, so our perspective will most likely be a lot more cut and dry.
However, you can't Fully take out the shared history, emotions, kids, finances, ect.
Yes, Logic has its place as well in the equation ......but its up to YOU to place a value on each factor and then Come up with a determination for yourself.

Is my initial reaction to tell you to cut your losses? Actually Yes.

But then again,
my stance (until coming here) has always been if someone even cheats once, get rid of them and move on.
However, I'm STILL with my Wife ......so Just like myself and others ......you have to weigh the pro's and con's for yourself, and make the Best Decision for your situation.

Unfortunately, there are NO Guarantees either Way!


Fooling people is serious business, but when you fool yourself it Becomes Fatal.

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All good advice.. I think that everyone will agree that with any addiction, there are serious problems from childhood. Whether it's drug, alcohol, sex, lying, overspending, food, on and on, it's all an addiction and people with abusive childhoods try to numb the pain with their drug of choice. This has to be dealt with in order to have ANY strong, healthy relationships as adults. I believe that this is outside the realm of MB's per sey but if you care about this person enough, if you have the emotional reserves necessary and IF they want to change enough, your support would mean the world to them, as they go through this incredibly painful process. I know because I've been through this. I have addictive tendancies towards alcohol, sex, and lying, along with strong suicidal tendancies. It's taken many years of therapy, AD's, and the neverending support of a very dear friend, to finally make some progress. This friend is now my husband. Yes, we're probably co-dependant (working on that now) and yes it was an EA on our parts, all those years of our first marriages. But in our case, we were there for each other while growing up and were witnesses to each of our various abusive family environments. Now it's his turn to work on his addictions, which are very similiar to mine. His childhood abuses were also very similiar to mine, ie.. sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, well, pretty much every way. Anyways, it's not easy working on yourself, and it's not easy being married to someone working on their issues, but in my case, there is no one else in my life who could or even would have been there for me, and I feel like how can I turn my back on him now that he's going through this ******? But that's just me, and I am seeing real progress and true motivation on his part. So maybe just something to think about.


Me - BS 34 WH - 39 Married 9/17/05 (2nd marraiges for both) Friends since childhood EA - 8/05-10/05 D-day: 10/19/05 (I moved out) Moved back in together: 12/7/05 I moved back out 2/22/06 due to emotional abuse and very mild physical abuse 7 children between ages of 6 months and 15. I moved back in on 11/25/06. We are still each in IC...
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In all honesty, I should add that I also had 2 PA during my first marriage besides the EA I just described. Just wanted to be upfront..


Me - BS 34 WH - 39 Married 9/17/05 (2nd marraiges for both) Friends since childhood EA - 8/05-10/05 D-day: 10/19/05 (I moved out) Moved back in together: 12/7/05 I moved back out 2/22/06 due to emotional abuse and very mild physical abuse 7 children between ages of 6 months and 15. I moved back in on 11/25/06. We are still each in IC...
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FinallyLearning-T2M,

I'm curious & maybe it would be helpful to know what happened that made you change?
wow, it would take more time and energy than i have to be able to answer that question throughly. i guess the best i can say is that i hit rock bottom. and i wanted help. i remember the specific day, the true start of me really wanting help. to try to tell you all the reasons as to why that day finally happened, i just don't think it is possible. my H's love certainly played a large role in it though. but i do remember how God touched me on that day.

i'm sorry i cannot answer your question better than that.

Last edited by FinallyLearning-T2M; 01/10/06 09:11 AM.
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iluvmy2 Offline OP
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There have been no STD's and no other children. As you will see in my original post he is going to IC and has been to at least 6 sessions.

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iluvmy2,

i fear responses on this thread are possibly being mixed between you and anewmojo. your stories are similiar in nature but are quite different in how your S is currently acting.

so how are you? do you feel up to trying to support him thru this?

and since you are here... are there things YOU can learn about being in a relationship from this website? see any areas of improvement for yourself?

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also... all of this must be taking a toll on you. this site can also help support you as you try to personally recover.

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iluvmy2 my wife would have described me much the same way as you did your husband. To her I was perfect, except when she found out about my affairs. She still says, I'm perfect, but she now throws in "expect for the one imperfect part and it's a big imperfect part".

If your husband wants to change, change will come about.

Near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there was a pool, in Hebrew called Bethesda, with five alcoves. Hundreds of sick people--blind, crippled, paralyzed--were in these alcoves. One man had been an invalid there for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him stretched out by the pool and knew how long he had been there, he said, "Do you want to get well?" The sick man said, "Sir, when the water is stirred, I don't have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in." Jesus said, "Get up, take your bedroll, start walking." The man was healed on the spot. He picked up his bedroll and walked off.

Notice that the sick man was laying by the pool in hopes of being healed, yet Jesus still asked the man "DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?". The man may have just enjoyed the attention of his friends bringing him everyday to the pool and did not want to get healed, so the question was relevant. 38 years was a long time for the person to have been coming every day and missed his opportunity to be healed. If a person does not want healing, healing will not take place.

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