Post deleted by Haven

I used to post on this message board quite frequently up until a year ago. I'm just addding my voice as another one in the wilderness.

It's been 5 years now since my SO and I've had any type of sexual relationship. I've pretty much given up on the MB principles. They only work if both are willing to move.

I know OHCop. Unfortunately I am still at square one here. I do understand that women need affection and I admit, I am not the greatest romancer, however my wife knows I love her, I tell her all the time. I tell her to take breaks from work, the kid, etc...I make time for us by giving up those things that are important to me. Nothing gets through, it is as if it is expected out of me, never receive anything in return. Gosh forbid I ask her to stay with our daughter so I can play golf or something and I get the look of death. It is very tiresome, this game of sorts. It is really draining me and wearing me down to the point of exhaustion, I masturbate constantly wondering what it would feel like for a woman (any woman) to touch me in that way again. I feel like I will go the rest of my life without sex.....really struggling here folks!!!

On a happier note, it is Friday. I hope you all have a great weekend and thanks for listening to me gripe.

Wow. While it's comforting in a weird way to know that my husband and I are not the only ones not having SF, it's heartbreaking at the same time to know that so many people are also missing out. Gibo, you could be writing my story!

I posted previously that no SF seemed to be working for us, but the more I think about it, the more resentful I'm becoming. I think about sex/affection a lot and for him to not show an interest is very hurtful. I was ALWAYS the one to initiate sex and one day I just decided to let him make the next move.

I'm still waiting. No SF here since November 2005. Nearly 6 months and counting.

I went to a "fantasy" party and bought some "toys" hoping that would kick start things. They're still in the wrapper. Except for the vibrator which I broke down and used myself.

Your wife refuses counseling so it seems pretty clear that things will not change. I think you need to seriously ask yourself are you willing to be in a celibate marriage for the rest of your life. You cannot help someone who refuses to get help. Do you really want to sacrifice the rest of your life like this? You deserve to be in a loving intimate relationship with your spouse. If your spouse is unwilling then maybe you should think of finding and marrying a person who is compatible with your needs as well. You are only on this planet once so make the most of it. How sad that you need to masturbate constantly because your wife refuses to get help and have anything physically to do with you. Again only you can decide if you wish to spend the rest of your married life without sex. I think you deserve more than this.

NCFunGuy, I don't know if I have any advice for you, but I do know exactly how you feel. The only difference is, I'm the wife and my husband is the one who never wants it.

I'm still madly in love with my husband. We are great friends; we do a lot together. He is sexy, smart, has a good sense of humor, and is a wonderful financial provider. I have to lay there in bed next to this man who I have begged for sex and touching and know that I can't touch him. I tell him that I love him and that he is sexy and handsome. We both work full time and I cook dinner every night and do his laundry and thank him when he does things for me. I hug him and pet his hair. He won't touch me sexually or tell me that he loves me. I know he loves me, but he won't say it. When I tell him I love him, he says "okay." That hurts.

If I try to initiate (rare these days b/c the rejection is devastating) he pushes me away and laughs. His plumbing works just fine. (He consents to mutual handjobs maybe 2 or 3 times a year.) We haven't had intercourse since Nov. 1999. Some days I think I will go nuts. If an affair comes my way and all the elements are right, I will go for it, even though the only man I really want is my husband. I want him so badly. It is still a mystery; he doesn't like to discuss things. What are my choices? Stay married and be celibate for the rest of my life (I'm 29, he's 38), or get divorced. I hate both of these options. So I pathetically stay stuck. I love men and lust after them everywhere I go. I have a very high libido and can't even pleasure myself satisfactorily because I rarely get the house to myself.

So, I know how it is. But if your marriage is like mine, you're in for the long haul buddy. I have basically gone 6 years w/o a sex life.

No, he is not gay, is not having an affair, and definitely doesn't have ED. Porn addict--possibly. Overweight--yes. British--yes. (I'm American.) Do a lot of British guys become disinterested in sex? Don't know if it's a cultural thing or not.

Sorry this is so long. I know you're hurting. Good luck.

I know how you feel, my wife has no interest in sex, then when she showed interest it was to get pregant and she did now it has stopped again and that was 15 months ago. I love her to death but it does hurt knowing that someone doesnot want you.

Mine told me if I wanted sex to go and find me a no-strings-attatched girlfriend. She doesn't want to hear anything about it, just go do it.

I am sorry to hear that you are in the same predicament as I am. It has been well over 2 years since my "privates" have even been touched!!! I still make feeble attempts at initiating some kind of sexual activity only to receive the shove away. What a wonderful feeling that is being shoved away from your own wife. Nothing at all is working. I too lust after many women now, any girl or woman that remotely flirts with me or shows an interest in me I find myself wondering what it would be like to be with them. I would have never done this before. It is like I am craving any type of attention from women. I am about to turn 30 and cannot envision myself sticking through this much longer, the only thing keeping me around is my beautiful little girl who I would never want to put through a divorce of her parents. I am helpless NiceWife, I hate to say this, but masturbation is getting really old!!! 2 years and nothing, no touching, anything!!! Geez....sorry for rambling.

I last posted to you on 3/31. Still no SF here either. Meanwhile, I've got 3 very eager males at work sniffing around (stereotypical horny cops). So far, I have managed to behave myself, but it is SO hard! They keep my self-esteem at a good level, but the attention can be addicting. I have to be very careful when we socialize to not drink too much around them. My inhibitions and my kids are the only thing keeping me from a PA.

I thought surely when we hit the 6 month mark of no SF on 5/6 that we'd have some sort of discussion about it. I refuse to bring it up or make an advance. I'm not about to beg him again for SF!

Our 20-year Anniversary is in June. Guess we'll see what happens then.

Good luck with your wife. It's a long miserable road if you choose to stick it out with no SF.

I can feel the same pain many of you on here are feeling.

And, what i have found out, meeting emotional needs/avoiding busters does not fix everything.

I have been courting my wife like CRAZY. Meeting all her needs, being the best husband and father I can be.

Does it garner me more activity in the bedroom?? Not even close. I even give her full body massages about every night now. Anything in return??? Nope...

I am starting to think a lot of women just want nothing to do with sex, plain and simple. Yes....that does suck!

If i do bring it up, all i get is the "Is that all you think about" line. She is even honest with me, she sais she is only in the mood a couple times a year. She also told me she only enjoys it about 1 time out of 10 which hurt bigtime.

Now, my wife i think is happy. no abuse, would never cheat, etc. etc. etc. She just honestly wants nothing to do with sex anymore.

I was kinda hoping the better i would be, the activity would come back in return. Not the case.

First of all, you don’t get it. You should not give her massages because you think that it will result in sex. You should give her massages because it makes her feel good. You should do it for her only.

Second of all, she does not get it. She should have sex with you not because she feels like it, but because she knows that you want it.

If she states that “You want it all the time” or that “that is all you think about”, then she is half way there. By telling you this, she is admitting that in your needs you rate sex highly. It is incomprehensible to me then, why she would not have sex with you. Why on Earth would a wife willfully and purposefully withhold something from her husband that he needs? What other explanation besides her being malicious is there?

If you know that you like certain meal, would she not cook it for you? If she likes to have a clean house, would you not try to help it be clean? If she likes to go to a ballet, would you not take her? If she likes to spend money on shoes, would you not make sure that she has sufficient money to buy some more? So, what’s the problem with sex?

AverageGuy- Excellent post, thanks for the response. For me, on one hand my wife loves me and our children dearly. She cherishes our marriage, would never stray, etc. etc. etc.

On the other hand, she is her own person and when it comes to certain things (like sex for instance) if she isn't into it, i don't think she honestly cares what i think. I just get the "get over it" line.

Even though she is happy in our marriage, i try my best to always work on it and make it better. But, she is fine with where it is at and doesn't care to invest in it any farther than that.

Strange i know, but that seems to be where we are at this point. I wish she would focus on our marriage more but she just doesn't. She focuses her attention on other things (work, kids, a clean house, what's for supper, what stupid comments to her my mother has made, etc. etc. etc.)

Maybe that helps shed some light on this. Maybe u can give me some extra advice. You are exactly right though, i don't think she honestly cares if she meets my needs or not, even though i try my best to meet hers.

She has been on 40MG paxil for the last year, we are trying to go down to 20MG which is going OK at this point. (not sure if that is relevant to anything or not)

It's amazing how similar our situations are. That is exactly the way my wife acts. She is content with where it is at, I am a good dad, help pay the bills, take care of the house....so that is all she needs. She does not need to do anything to keep me happy. Getting more and more difficult as each day passes, I find myself imagining straying as there is someone else who is interested in me, but it would do me no good, I would hurt too much over the guilt. My sister said she is going to try talking some sense into her next, I am just afraid this is beyond repair.

I am trying to talk my wife into taking libido enhancements. Does this work????

I am not sure if those work uniman.
My wife and I actually had a decent conversation the other night, she realizes what a problem this is and understands it is up to her to fix it. Now I wait and see if she truly cares about the marriage enough to seek the help.
I have thought about looking into those weekend sex camps/get-aways for couples, I have seen them on some shows before (not sure if they even really exist), but they are supposed to really make you spend quality time with your spouse and explore the things that might turn each other on.

I've never heard of any. Nothing that will turn an ice queen into a nymphomaniac. Yes, there exist drugs that increase libido, but the increase, though statistically significant, is very small, perhaps a couple of percentages. Most substances that are touted as libido enhancer work via placebo effect.

I think that this may be a wrong approach. Having her take it, will simply make her feel that you think that there is something wrong with her. She may either resent you for that, or she may agree with you, but either way it is a losing proposition. You do not want her to take drugs to increase her libido; you want her to want you.

Talk with her, see what you can come up with. Knowing that you have a strong sex drive is step one. Having her validate that need is step two. Figuring out what to do aboout having your needs fulfilled is step three.

Good luck!

Greetings AverageGuy--
I happened to be looking for a thread I'd posted on last week and stumbled upon this one! And it's a good thing I did, b/c I think maybe I can shed some light. My story (briefly): I am a 50 year old woman, happily married, and proud to say that after years of pain and frustration, I now have a very gratifying sex life as well as a strong libido. Back when I was in my early 30s, with the help of a counselor, I began recalling details of sexual abuse at the hands of my father. I was raped at age 6 and it continued until I was nearly 13. I completely blocked it out (no, hypnosis was not used to recover my memories.). Prior to recalling the traumas, I would have pain at the onset of lovemaking, due to being tensed up. In addition, "natural" lubrication was just not happening. In order for that to happen, you have to feel relaxed and "into" the foreplay. Otherwise, just being distracted or not being able to focus won't allow for lubrication to happen.
When I read that your wife's dad was locked up, I'm assuming he committed a crime of some kind. It doesn't have to be a sexual crime. Substance abuse goes hand in hand with incest, and if her dad drank, or she was being cared for by anyone with a substance problem, the chances that she was sexually abused are very high. (I worked with incest and sexual abuse survivors, by the way, so I am familiar with many of the dynamics and red flags.) My guess is that your wife probably has been molested as a child and either doesn't remember it, or does not want to look at it. Her symptoms--vaginal dryness, pain upon entry, etc., are typical sex abuse symptoms. It certainly bears weight. I would gently suggest that she look at her past with that in mind, and reassure her that you'll be present with her when she does this. Keep in mind that your questions or suggestions may trigger a memory, or she may have a "nightmare" as I did. That was the start of remembering. If it turns out to be so, buy her the Courage To Heal text and strongly encourage her to see a counselor, telling her that you're behind her all the way. My husband was very supportive as I worked through that stuff. I wasn't truely comfortable with sex for several years. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it when I had it, but that it was too painful. The OTC lubricants are certainly better than nothing, and until she is comfortable with sex, she will need help in that department. In addition to the childhood issues, I also had extra weight on me that made me feel pretty crappy about myself. I shed the extra weight (60 lbs.), and began to feel like a new and sexy person. I had made peace with my past after years of working on it, and that is when the sexual pain ceased. Your wife is young. As long as she has support, she'll be okay, and sex will definitely improve--that's a promise! Please encourage her to look into the possibility (or probability) that she was molested. Once it's out, she can deal with it.
I wish you all the luck in the world! I will check back too. If you have any questions, I'll be happy to respond.

Leslie

Good luck to you!
Leslie

The problem is i have already explored these steps. She knows i need and want to make love to her. And i think deep down she wants the same. But their is NOTHING that will make her in the mood. We have tried everything.

Not sure where to go from here.

Just wanted to chime in, as I stumbled on this thread by accident. Sorry to hear you aren't having any SF. My husband cut me off after our DS5 was born, and we haven't had sex in over 4 years. (I gained some weight, and even though I'm still not obese, he just can't get past it.) Anyway, keep trying, and don't do what my H did (Have an affair with a woman half your age). I feel your pain. SF is really important to me, and it's killing me to have this need unmet for so long.

It does sound like your W would benefit from some counseling and some kind of weekend encounter to help break the cycle.