I've been lurking awhile and have been greatly helped by all the info and support I've read.

Dday was July, 05 and OC will be born in Feb. We are doing very well in reconciliation--but the upcoming birth is stressful to think about. H works on a project with FOW and so has some business contact (mainly email); she does call monthly with "updates" on the doctor's visits--he calls her back from home now. He wants contact with child and I'm having the usual feelings about that--can't imagine really separating OW and OC, but several of you who have contact with the child say it can be done.

FOW has "issues" with me, or rather the idea of me existing and does not want me to visit the first time in the hospital. She realizes that there will have to be some sort of negotiation about this since H and I are together and I won't be stepping aside from this situation. But it's SO HARD.

Anyway, just wanted to get onboard, and will take any advice I can get from those who have been there! Thanks.

I haven't been there, but I am right there with you. I don't feel that I will have a problem seperating the OC form OW, but I am worried about just the simple fact of OW still existing. There is no choice but to have C with her since we will have C with OC. I can't handle dealing with her, even when she is civil, and I can't deal with my H dealing with her, so that leaves me with HOW IS THIS EVER GOING TO WORK?
OW has issues with me as well. I was told she didn't know why I would be at the hospital for birth, because I would not be allowed to come in her room. Like I would want to be there. But it does leave me in distress about how to handle things. Because I won't allow H to go without me. So we probably just won't bother.

I don't have much advise, but my prayers are with you.

I want to welcome you to the forum. Sorry you had to find us, but glad you have. Seperating the OW and OC will be up to your H. There are steps that you need to take and keep praying. Its hard, very hard. Many w/C are doing great others not so good.
First, you need to do the DNA testing, get papers done though the courts.
You and your H need to come to a POJA about the contact w/the OW and what you are comfortable with. C w/ them should be limited and not a personal purspective. Should be about the child only. You need to be included in ALL things. If you can't visit, he should not go. Your H if he is truely wanting his M to work will make his family first. He has a legal right to be apart of this childs life w/o the "babymammadramma". Legally is the best way. It wont elimanate some of the drama, but could make it less.
And how do YOU feel about taking care of this child?? Where are YOU on it? Have you and H talked about this, and what plans have you made?
Sunny

Thanks for responding--looks like we'll be going through this together!

H isn't going to the birth itself--I couldn't stand that--birth is too intimate an experience, I remember it well even after 21 years and how it makes one feel towards the father--no way is that experience going to happen with H and FOW! H is fine with that--he truly is done with the A and has no desire to rekindle it--still too fresh and he has his own issues with withdrawl, I know.

But he does want to see the baby--still working on that scenario, as I said!

I think you hit the nail on the head--my problem is also with the FOW just existing!! My H does have to deal with her in both business and re: OC--and it's a constant discussion between us about how each little step is handled. I also wonder HOW IS THIS GOING TO WORK--

Hi Sunnydale--yes we've talked with an attorney and I am fully aware of the "babymammadrama" you mention!--great name for it.

H and I have talked a lot about how I feel about the child--I don't feel I will be "taking care of" him--it still seems to me to be H's job! I do consider myself the stepmother with all rights and responsibilites--but I really don't know exactly how I'll really feel when faced with the reality of a real, live baby--constant reminder of the whole affair.

H feels strongly about not abandoning the child and wants to be a part of his life in some way; I think this is the right thing for him and since we're committed to our M again/still, the child will be part of my life as well. But it's all pretty theoretical right now--we shall see what it's like when the reality hits.

And H knows that it is up to him to separate the OW and OC--if we can't come to an agreement about the best way to do it, that will be a problem. We've hashed out things pretty well so far--not easily or quietly sometimes--but have come to resolutions. So hard and constant and draining--wish we all didn't have to be here.

Hi Harriet,

i think the birth is the most stressful time. not to scare you but for many it can be like d-day all over again. so brace yourself.

seperating the oc from the ow can be done. the key is to get visitation sorted so you and your h can bond with oc together and not him going over to ow's house to see the baby. it is hard at first. very hard. the first time i held oc i cried like i dont think i had ever cried in my life. but i guess you could say it is all down hill from there. it does get easier.

i say start as you mean to go on. OW doesnt like you and doesnt want you at the hospital. Simple, if you dont go your h doesnt go. it sounds harsh but you have to retrain her to think of you and h as a package. one doesnt come without the other. If she wants the babys father around, she has got to accept the babys fathers wife.

the best advice i can give you is to go the legal route as early as possible. it really really does save so much drama further down the road.

hope it goes well for you. keep us posted.

Cheers

Carolyn

I totally agree. If H is to be around OW, so are you!!!

You must present a united front! If your H won't do that, then something is wrong!!!

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!

You and DH are a package deal. You and DH must behave that way (solve any differences in private by Policy of Joint Agreement), and XOW will be forced to SEE it that way. Let there be no confusion, no division, no maybes.

I'm sorry you're going through this pain.
Hugs,
J

Hello 25Harriet,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. My H and I have chosen NC, but I have heard of many wonderful stories of C. I wish you both well.

The OC was born in December. It was a very dry day. I didn't feel much of anything. I actually think I was still in shock. My H was down a bit.

I'm amazed that an OW would even have the NERVE to have problems with the wife. Is it me? or are some of these women crazy? You and your H are together. You should do everything together. If you can't go to the hospital, then noone goes. You and your H should sit down now, and get this straight. It's important that you both be on the same page.

I'll keep you in my prayers.