Hi, I'm new in this section but have posted someof my problems on the emotional board. Today I got a second (actually 3rd , one was a copy) of a letter from someone claiming my husband is cheating on me. When we got the first one and some accompanying phone calls I showed them to hubby and he denied it. We have been having problems so it made me think and I was very open with him about that. Today I got another. My huband is either convinced and/ or trying to convince me that these are just leters from an old friend that has a mental problem and is just trying to create problems for people. Him and the woman she is accusing him of fooling around with. I have toalk to the accused woman and her husband and they both agree that she is not stable. I have tried to be supportive to my husband and while letting him know that I am not 100% buying it that I will not kick him out on the basis of anon notes.

I just got this note now and I'd like to go to work and photocopy it before I show it to him b.c he may try to keep it. But I won't kid you that even though my heart tells me that this is just some insane idea of a funtime..my stomach is doing flips.
Even though hubby does deny it he still does not hold any compassion with the idea that this may be difficult for me to hear even if it isn't true. His only response is "She's crazy" and " I'm the victim" (meaning husband)

Any ideas?

Well, a cheating spouse always claims that any accuser is crazy - that is right out of their handbook.

How is your sex life?

Does husband spend time away from home a lot? Does he give you access to his cell phone and computer?

sex? What's that? The man who at least asked every 72 hours has not even changed in the same room with me in almost6 months. We had sex twice since the letters started.

My husbands job has a very fluid schedule. So somedays he is gone from 5 am - 8 pm some times he never leaves at all. So I never know if he is really where he is supposed to be.

I can't check with his co workers b/c they don't all see him every day. He doesn't always anser his cell phone...so I have no way to know if hes not here in town all day.

He has also started washing his own clothes and buying his own food. Not all of it but some of it. The food thing irriated me at first b/c I thought - don't you like what I bought you? Or why didn't you tell me you needed that? Somedays he goes RIGHT AFTER I do. Heres where thinking about this all the time will get me in trouble. Yesterday it dawned on me that maybe thats his way of getting out of the house since I (or the letters) put a crimp in his gym schedule.He has also requested I not put his laundry away anymore b/c I'm messing up his "system" (we've been married 20 years!)

The biggest problem I have is that all of this could easily be a string of coincedences and misunderstandings. But on the other hand it could be so much more.

Just on a personal note- another thing that runs through my mind is - I know the main lady invovled here. My kids and hers play, I've eaten at her house, shes taken my kids on vacation. IF he is doing her- I will flip. My father did the same thing to my mother after 40 years of marriage and it practically tore apart my family. If he sinks that low to do that to me with my past- I don't know what I will do.

Shelby,


This is a red flag to me. My FWH started doing his own laundry after out-of-town business trips during his A. Don't know whether he thought I might find an unidentified pubic hair in his shorts (like I inspect them that closely) or was afraid that OW would sneak a dirty pair of her extra large gramma panties in his suitcase.....

Also, he had no interest in SF with me during his A, another ignored red flag.

In any case, for your own peace of mind, you need to confirm that these letters aren't telling the truth. Several folks here have used keyloggers on their computers or voice activated digital recorders hidden in their spouses car.

What is weird is that I found on the computer history the other day that HE was looking at Keyloggers. Is he checking to be sure I don't have one or is he spying on ME!

K from own experience would say doing own laundry is a red flag cause been there and done that. Fwh was actually having ow do his laundry for him, gee seems fair now I guess since he put her up in a condo and was supporting her a$$.


K I am sorry to say that I do think you are on the right track. Sounds like ow is actually trying to break up your marriage by making affair public to you. Not sure how good this will go over with your h–imagine he has exchanged words with OW. I’d say with regards to Keylogger that since he is feeling guilty that he is checking to see if you are checking up on him. I think others here with more experience would advice you that now is the time to start gathering evidence to confront him with. Including the letters you have received but since he has already excused these away start looking and gathering more info: emails, check history to see what sites he is visiting on web, cell phone, records and messages--monitor his coming and goings. In other words time to become your own private investigator, and or if you have the means hire your own. Also read all the literature here, his needs and her needs and surviving affair, think you are already familiar with these--his needs and her needs, you may also want to start plan A ing. This is a great place for support and well, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Hugs

sleepless

okay- so tonight hubby doesn't come home until 7:45 pm. I was not home at the time. When I got home he had already thrown his clothes in the washer. I told him about the letter I received and told him he may want to tell OW b/c she asked to keep informed.Hubbys only response was "I'm not going to show them" Meaning OW and OW's husband.
No other comment, apology, "are you ok" nothing.

Now one of two things are going on: Either hubby was somewhere he wasn't tonight after work and therefore washed up. And he just brushed off the letter.

OR

My husband worked his tail off today and is trying to do what I asked and help out around the house. And I'm a heel.

I think something is going on with the friend you suspect. And he is going to the store as an excuse to get out of the house. Next time he is not home, drive by her place and see if she is home.

That's how I figured out my husband was having an affair. I noticed that he and a neighbor were always gone at the same time.

Sadly no.

The biggest problem is that your suspicions are correct and he is having an affair.

Get evidence, read up on Plan A and expose his lying cheating [censored].

Unfortuanelty I am not able to track his movements too much.He has a work password protected cellphone and computer. He wipes out the history on our computer after every use. He works way out of town and works irregular hours so there is no way I know if he is lying or really at work. Even his female friend's house (OW) is on a dead end- it would be very obvious if I drove by b/c there are only a few houses down there anyway. I try to drive by the area of her work in the evenings lately but I always have my kids with me and it is very obvious if I go down that street b/c it is not on the way to anything.

My plan today is to continue to be pleasant and just cautious observe. I've never really tracked his spending or horus purposely in such a way that it would show a pattern..but I think I am going to. We have online banking so I can find out where and when he withdraws money- b/c he doesn't always tell me. I'm also going to keep a log of when he goes to work and where he says he'll be and see if I catch him in a lie or not. If I'm wrong it will set my mind at ease- If I'm right I'll have some info.

I have been trying Plan A but its not working very well.

Well, since you know the woman, that shouldn't be a problem. Just drop by with some cookies or something. I would make myself a frequent unannounced visiter.

{{{{Shelby}}}}

Go with your honest gut instincts here gal, not what you want to believe or what you hope is so. They–gut instinct are already working for you and have you wondering and worrying. I tell you this honey ‘cause it is so hard not to fall into the river of denial and to make excuses for them and their sudden out of character behaviors. This is the man that you love, right. You do not want to believe the worst of them. You want to believe the best, but resist this. True, he may indeed just be helping more about the house like you asked, but then how do you explain away the letters? And yes, I know he has tried to explain them away to you. But if you are honest with yourself you have already decided that his excuse does not wash. & Regardless, I do think these letters are grounds for you to throw up your own guard and to investigate more and suspect more. ( Sounds like you a re doing this already with your wonderings, where he has been.) This is just my opinion, but it really does sound like OW is trying to expose the affair to you–not some friend of. ( Though indeed it could be some well intentioned trying to help you out) But, ask yourself what would/ could an OW hope to gain from this exposure( the letters)? A. You throw him out of the house and then he will come to her. B. Or at the very least start to unravel your marriage if not your sanity and security in your relationship with your husband what she might consider to be the beginning of the end so that she can have him all to herself.

I am sorry you have to be here, I truly am but there are a lot of great people here who can help you to unravel this mystery and recover your marriage, if this is what you want. Understand this, if he is indeed involved in an affair, his relationship to OW becomes like an addiction and he will go to any length to get his fix. He is not in his right mind right now, he may even become a man that you do not recognize. Your best bet as has already been said is to gather evidence and to confront him in a calm manner. Start documenting his coming and goings, specially ones you can not substantiate. And if you know where this OW lives then do drive bys. You are defending your marriage so you are going to have to throw up a position of offensive, go get the evidence that you need to corner him. I may be wrong in this but I do gather that the first step to recovery is discover and uncover. This is where my fwh and and I started recovery-after dd. And it may not be that easy, but it is certainly the place to start.

Consider yourself hugged,

Sleepless

Thanks for all of your support.
As far as her doing this herself I don't hink she is. This is why: She is hugely dedicated to her kids.HEr husband cheated on her a few years ago very blatently and she took him back solely b/c she wanted to retain her "family unit" On reason I have problems believing they are having a physical affair or that she would expose it if they were.
We think the letters are coming from a woman that used to hang out with them and something happened after my husband entered the scene. The two ladies were best friends and then all of a sudden they broke all ties. My thoughts were that one or the other may have hit on my husband or him on them and the other got defensive and walked away from the friendship. That is what makes sense to me. Hubby and the OW say this lady turned lesbian, hit on the OW, and now she is trying to get back at them all by making their lives miserable. That is the story hubby and OW are peddling.

Well I suppose that could be a plausible expiration to the letters. The only point here to be made is that you are concerned otherwise, right? If such is the case then the best advice is to keep your eyes and ears open and like Believer said do drive bys if you know where the OW lives. How horrible for the other ow to be so malicious and attack your marriage! If you know who the woman is who is sending these letters you may want to see if you can file harassment charges. You husband know who she is, right? By the way, is this crazy lady just addressing these letters to you? Hope it all works out for you.

Hugs,