I'm not defending anybody but myself at this point. I'm annoyed that my post has turned into Ashly's post, and I'm astonished at the petty insults - especially coming from somebody with the tagline "What is God telling you to do? If you haven't heard what God is telling you to do, then ask and keep asking until you do."

I don't see any good Christian behavior going on.

And I'm not on anybody's side but my own. Ashly, you're screwed. You need to "let it be". Forget about that guy and move on. We all sow what we reap. Doing what we've done puts us in a particular ****** that we need to walk through. I essentially agree with what the others are telling you, just not their tone. Maybe that guy is in my situation and feels like I do, but take it from me: you need to cut off contact with him and forget about him. He needs to navigate his road without your influence.

Now, can people stop posting stuff about Ashley in my article?

Ephesians 4:17-19


Living as Children of Light
17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.


1 Peter 4:3

3For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.

Need more references? There are a lot of them. Not one supporting your position. Shall we talk about narcissism? Selfish gain at the expense of others? What do you need? I'd be happy to look them all up for ya.

ViewEra...

I am a Christian, that does NOT make me perfect, in any way, shape or form...If I am mistaken about you, I am sorry, please forgive me...

In my last post to you, I did give you the best possible advice for your situation...tell your wife, come back and we can proceed from there...

Mrs. W

ViewEra,
What do you want here, specifcally?

Do you want your marriage?

Do you want a divorce?

If you want to save your marriage, then you need to be honest with your wife and tell her about the affair. You need to get an appointment with a counselor and start there. You need to solidfy No Contact and maintain that.

If you want a divorce, you still need to tell her about the affair.

Until you tell us what you want, we don't know what the best advice for you is.

Okay fine....guess you want me out of 'your section'...i'll just go somewhere else then.You are no help at all.But just let me say to you exactly what i tell 'him' every single day....PLEASE be honest with your wife...tell her how you really really feel.I know you don't want to hurt her..but neither of you will ever be happy if you can never be honest...together or not.There has to be some kind of connection between you...or you have to at least feel like there could be...otherwise you're fooling yourself and cheating her in a worse way.

View...

As a FWW let me tell you that the road you are traveling is not one you want to take...regardless of the situation. If what you are saying is honest and true (not justifications) then you need to decide what it is you want.

Do you want to try to make it work with your wife? If so, focus on that. Be honest with her. Tell her about the A & the feelings you've had over the years. Get counseling & BOTH of you need to work your tails off. Marriage ain't easy & you both need to work at it.

Do you want a D? You will STILL need to tell your wife about the A & your feelings. She deserves that - no matter the situation.

Until you decide, there isn't much advice we can offer.

View,
try posting your story on recovery board. This was like throwing yourself to the wolves. Many understanding people over there maybe can get you some help. I'm in a mess right now and can't offer much but try it over there.
I feel for ya ,
take care
Scott

I don't know what I want. I know I wish I had never married the person I did. I can't think straight in the situation I'm in. I wish I had never met the OW, I wish I'd never married my wife. I wish I'd met the OW a long time ago. I wish my wife were the OW. I wish my wife would leave me so I didn't have to leave her.

Like I said. I'm just trying to get my thoughts and emotions out to try to figure out what I do by listening to objective opinions. I had it in my mind that if I were leaving my wife that there's no point in telling about the affair. Regardless of whether people are suggesting I should stay or go, they all suggest I should tell her, so I guess I should start building up some courage to do that and go from there.

If I never was attracted to my wife and I never had passion for her from the start, is there hope to build that kind of thing?

By the way, I've already been told how dumb I am to have married feeling the way I did. It was arranged and I did what I thought was right. If I could go back in time, I already know what I'd do. I can't go back in time.

Question: Are you in the USA? What is up with the arranged marriage?

That's the best thing you've said yet.


I honestly believe the answer to that can be "yes".

I'm in the USA. Arranged marriage is just like it sounds.

Should I tell her and plan to stay in a motel that night? Should I make sure the kid is out of the house? How much time will it take? What should I expect? A year ago after months of trying to work with her, I told "fine, I'm having an affair" and she told me if I did she would kill me. Well, I did, and maybe she will too. I wish I had stumbled onto this site before I started the affair.

And of course you must realize in all this, I'm still much more interested in the OW and I'm in withdrawals.

Has anybody here done phone counselling with Dr. Harley?

A lot of people have done phone counseling. Usually, that is suggested early on. You came in in the midst of Ashley and we just all jumped on your thread without giving you the basic information.

Have you read surviving an affair? Maybe that would be good for you, too.

View,

The Harleys are probably the best counsellors for this stuff in the country. I know a few people who have councelled with them and not one person has said it was NOT worth the money or time.

I encourage you to seek them out. It will help you with your decisions.

Best wishes.

I've read all his articles and letters on infidelity and emotional needs and stuff - pretty much everything on the site, but I never got any of his books.

Should I get some counseling before I tell my wife? Should I get and read the books first?

I've been thinking of telling my wife to read the articles here as sort of a way to tell her what's happened.

Handle it directly with her. You owe her that. BUT call the Harleys for at least one session to get thier input on it first. Educate THEN act. And definately grab the books at your earliest convenience.

You CAN turn this all around. It is possible. God can make those changes in a willing and open heart. It's a long road but worth it in the end.

If you're serious, I believe you WILL call the Harleys and seek their guidance and council.

Yes. I had session with SH and will have another Tuesday. It may seem costly but they cut right to the chase. Steve Harley is VERY easy to talk to very encouraging he will help you come up with a plan and course of action and to let you know what to expect. He is usually right on. I appluad your efforts...best wishes for your journey.

ViewEra,

Have you read this link? Marriage Builders Counseling Center It will give you all the information you'll need about the phone counseling.

If you think she is likely to react violently when she learns about your affair, have a third party - preferably a trained counselor - present when you tell her.

ViewEra

This site is slow at weekends, so you posted at a time when few posters were around to help. There has also been a problem with a specific poster, who has now been banned by the moderators - this is a rare occurrence round here.

Welcome - but.....should you be here?

I'm not sure that MB is the place to solve problems that arise in arranged marriages.

The EN model certainly suggests that love is sustained by a meeting of each other's main emotional needs. However, the whole system is predicated on the assumption that if there was a spark of love at the beginning, it can be rekindled again. In other words, it assumes two people choosing each other freely based on instinctive attraction.

In an arranged situation, this is not the basis of the original getting together. If no spark of attraction (physical or emotional) existed at the beginning, I think it may be difficult to generate it in the future.

Arranged marriages have been part of some cultures for a long time, so I think your problem must occur fairly frequently. There must presumably be solutions and advice within your culture for what you're going through?

On the other hand, many people who cheat on their spouses feel convinced that they never felt passionate love for those partners. The affair-generated feelings are so intense that they swamp the memory of the love felt for the spouse. The trump card the spouse usually holds is that the WS actually married them; therefore there must have been a strong feeling at one time. In your situation, it's hard to tell if that's the case, because of the circumstances of your marriage.

I think you need more specialised advice than we can give you here.

Sorry.

TA

Viewera, I agree with TogetherAlone 100%... Since yours was an arranged M and since it seems you've had not experience any emotional and phsyical attraction towars your W from the very beginning (and still haven't yet developed such an attraction towards her at all), I agree that you probably need more specialised advice. I don't think it is totally impossible to generate such and attraction in cases like yours where the M was arranged and no such attraction existed from the very beginning (certainly everything in this life is possible!), but as TogetherAlone has said, such will probably be much more difficult to generate & achieve in a situation like yours and for this reason you may need more specific and specialised help.

I think the problem you have must be a very commen problem amongst couples in a culture like yours where M's are arranged and where no consideration are given to the two people who are expected to commit themselves to each other in a life-long intimate relationship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sure there must be some form of advice and/or solutions in your culture for situations like yours otherwise how can it be expected from people to get married to a person they don't have any attraction towards or not even know? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Actually I think yours is a very sad situation...for both you and your W and I really hope this can be resolved.

My advice is to first become totally honest and open with your W about everything... Lay out all the cards on the table for her too see - also about the OW - and then proceed from there.