Ashley,
I am by far not the most intelligent person here...trust me! But I have (as many here have) been where you are right now.
Here's something to think about....
He was very elusive about everything....So once i did find out how involved he really still was with her...i was devastated and i did'nt know what to do.
Ask yourself....were his actions loving toward you when he lied and deceived you? Is that a display of love?
Sometimes when we feel so strongly in the moment, we lose sight of what real love is. Real love is trust, respect, care, and committment. Any relationship without that cannot flourish. My marriage was a good example. We had care and feelings of love. But after a while, the lack of trust, lack of respect, and lack of committment ruined the marriage. Neither one of us wanted to see it - in the beginning, and not even toward the end. It HURT to see it. But regardless of how much you try to bury it or cover it up, it's still there. And it's poison to a relationship.
I have promised to stay no matter what...i feel he really needs me to follow through on that.
Here, you are showing him committment. What is he showing you in return? He obviously isn't committed to you, because he's still with his wife. Nor is he committed to doing what you would wish....leaving. Again, is this the way you would treat someone you love? I wouldn't think so.....the person you love deserves much more.
But i fear how long will i have to wait...and what exactly am i waiting for.
I have a friend who has been in a 4 year affair with a man who physically abused her. Now, her marriage is no piece of cake....but neither of them have really tried to work on it either. Sadly, she has confided in me that if her OM asked her to marry him, she would.
She would be volunteering to be an abused wife. She would be knowingly subjecting her kids to possible violence. She would be showing her kids and abusive father as a 'model' to aspire to be. Shouldn't she deserve more? Shouldn't her kids?
Please realize that many of us pattern after our parents and our parent's relationships....I am no exception. Say you do land this man. He leaves his wife to be with you - and he is the primary father figure for your kids. Do you want them to pattern after a suicidal person? What would happen if he really DID kill himself? How would that affect them? How would that affect you?
One big misnomer is that we can 'fix' other people. You can no more 'fix' your MM's depression more than I could 'fix' my exH's self esteem. Nor could my exH 'fix' my codependency and inability to stand up for myself.
We all have our own problems. They are uniquely ours. And when we enter into a relationship, those problems are overshaddowed by the feelings of love and infatuation. But then we start to settle. The feelings of infatuation disappear, and the feelings of love start to mature. But they no longer 'cover' the individual problems we have.
You know when i first got involved with him 'again'(because he was my first love years ago)i believed him that he was still married but that it was over.By 'over' i thought he was either divorcing or divorced or at least separated.
Your situation is very similar to the friend I mentioned. Nearly a year ago, she actually told her OM that she was separated and in the process of divorce. It was only in November that he went over to her house unexpected, and her husband answered the door.....needless to say, she couldn't hide (the A or her marriage) anymore.
It really is odd how so many situations are somewhat unique...but so very much the same.
