I do not believe that a WH whose has a pregnant wife is any worse than any other WS. I know we all have a strong urge to defend a pregnant woman, but she is just like us. Her injury is the same as all of ours, it's just that she seems more defenseless. She is not.

So I am a Catholic. Unborn life is no less or more prescious than already born life.

an unborn baby = a child

As far as I'm concerned, cheating on a pregnant woman is just as bad as cheating on the parent of your child.

What are we doing when we tell someone that the affair they are dealing with is worse than others? That their WS is more cruel than other WS?

Do we advise pregnant women dealing with an addicted WS differently than others because we believe they are dealing with a greater injury? I've read a butt-load of affair books and not one advises pregnant women differently. I know cause I was one.

Affairs happen at all times of life, especially during times of change or crisis - like a pregnancy.

People cheat when someone is dying, when someone has died, when they move, change or loose a job. They cheat when they are insecure or confident. Life always offers us opportunities to betray ourself and our loved ones. The best treatment for all affairs is the same, plan A or B.

My husbands affair began a month after we found out I was pregnant and it ended less than a month before her first birthday. They were on again and off again a lot during those 18 months (the standard length of an affair). How would it help me now, as we plow our way through recovery, to beleive my H was the worst form of WS? He was just a WS, not more of a WS.

Pregnancy and affairs are quite similar in some ways - you either are or you are not. No one is either a little bit pregnant or in a little bit of an affair.

Pregnant women often times have a greater need for a support network. It's not easy for them under the best of circumstances. Because of the fact that the health of the baby can be affected directly by the stress level of the mother - I would call it a greater injury.

For me, it was not support to tell me that my WH was worse than other WS's.

Don't know how to help you there.

And let me just add that what should be the happiest time of your life has just been tarnish by the attrocity of an affair. This, of course, leads to stress, worries, etc. and can affect the baby. I'm sure it depends on the woman/mother - all cases & people are different.

I always end up on the short end of the stick when I compare myself to "society's expectations' and wonder what's worng with me that my life is more difficult than the "ever after" fantasy.

There are no shoulds. Holding your child in your arms should be one of life's happiest moments, yet many suffer from post-pardum depression. And how many people want are frusterated with their kids and their miserable life one moment and pleased as punch the next?

Someone super duper wize once wrote that, "marriage does not make uphappy people happy." Marraige and pregnancy have no happiness guarantee, and expecting otherwise sets you up for an unbalanced quota of entitlement.

I have to say as a woman who is 8 months pregnant and going thru this right now. I dont suppose that my WH is any worse than any other WH, however, pregnant women are more needy, and do need the support of their S during a time like this.

I dont think anyone is saying that an unborn child is anymore valuable than an already born child.

I think the reason anyone might say it is worse, becuase there is more than just the wellbeing of the BW on the line. As I hear from family, friends, MB'ers and even my WH daily - the stress I am under and the sadness I feel and the suspicions I carry around, the lack of appetite, the weight loss, the lack of sleep all can be felt by the baby that I am carrying right now.

I have to go into the hospital and give birth to our child while he is standing there and wondering where his mind is, and if he is going to walk out of the room after she is born to go call the OW. And what he is doing while I am laying in the hospital room in labor and for the 2 days I am there after she is born. Id call that some added stress that unpregnant BW's dont have.

Plus those first weeks with a newborn are always a challenge with little sleep, and a whole new added responsibility ontop of what you already had going on...not to mention dealing with the A.

I think ppl probably say it is worse for those reasons. Not because the act being committed is worse, but the situation with a pregnant woman is.

Flukeboy,

I am not looking for help, but I am looking to be challenged on this issue as I think my way through it.

How do we best help pregnant spouses on this website? WWTHS? What Would The Harley's Say?

Heidi,

You have to do different planning for your different stage in life, but concerning your marraiage you just have to decide between plan A and plan B.

You have a lot on your plate, there is no doubt. I remember when I was in your position. I didn't want to be around friends or family, I didn't want to talk about anything. I was confused and angry.

One thing that surprized me is that if I had not been pregnant, I might've given up on marraige. I was pregnant with my second child through his affair, and without little Loy #2, I might've thrown in the towel. Sure I was tired, but my pregnancy probably saved my investment in my WH and our marraige. I don't know why, but I considered us less of a family with only one child.



As Ark says, "Be still." Think of the children. You do not need to resolve the affair today. You can't. Only patience can resolve it.

I know you know this, but go on anti-depressants as soon as possible. Be very frank about your family stresses with the doctor's, it will only help you. I love LEXAPRO. I had a bout of insomnia as a result of the drug for the first two weeks, but I was up anyway.

By keeping them talking and helping to support and encourage them. Then, maybe, they will have just that much less anxiety and stress.

I ache for the pregnant women who have so much to deal with ON TOP of a WH and possibly other children to care for.

To me, it's sickening.

I don't know if my answer is at all helpful.

All affairs are sickening, I think that pregnant wives help illustrate that point more clearly.

But what do we think of when I man gets the OW pregnant? Or when the WW becomes pregnant by the OM?

are these affairs worse?

I think they add another level of injury. The consequences are bigger and more painful. harder to recover from. I say that from my own experience.

Great questions Loy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Im glad you love Lexapro..... i would never even consider for a moment putting that stuff in my body while I am carrying a child.

I have talked to several physicians and all the OBGYNS at my practice and the pediatrician, and all of them suggest against it during pregnancy as no sufficient studies have been done to prove that there are no effects on the baby. And the same holds true for if you are a nursing mother, anti-depressants not recommended.

Heidi,

I didn't go on anti-depressants until my little one was 14 months old, and I stopped breast feeding at 10 months.

However, I should have gone on them much earlier. Being depressed kept me stuck. I couldn't make decisions because it didn't seem as if it mattered if I got the answer right or wrong.

Yes, you should do what is best for the baby. But make sure your friends and family are watching you closely and take their concerns seriously. If they say they are concerned about your depression, you must look into it at least for the sake of your children.

Your mental health is more important to your infant and your infant's safety than breast milk.

One thing I wish I had done was coordinate with friends or family a couple of nights where I could assistance and get nourishment off of 5 solid hours of sleep.

with my first pregnancy I gained 55 lbs., with my second I gaint only 30. The bonus was that the weight came off a lot faster.

Okay--so I'll chime in. Until 4 days ago, I was a preggo BW. So, this is my opinion--fresh and raw, so to say.

I am not saying any child--one in the womb or one already in the world--is more important than the other. But when you are pregnant, you are so much more vulnerable. Your hormones are a mess, you're exhausted most of the time, etc.
I would kind of word it like the phrase--adding insult to injury. Afairs are horrible no matter what stage of life you are in--but to be abandoned and betrayed while carrying a child--well, yes, I would think it takes a certain type of person to weigh that in when deciding whether to have an affair, when to end it, etc. I think of my WH, sleeping with OW and being tender to OW and then I think of my preganant belly, of the fears I had that I was hurting this baby when I would cry myself to sleep some nights. You have to wonder whether the WS thinks of this at all.

How could he not? Yes, I agree with the fog concept, etc to a large extent--but there is also human decency and--and knowing that your actions could have a harmful, life threatening effect on your unborn baby because of what you are putting the mother through--I don't know--but that seems to make it a little worse. I think it makes the WS look worse than a typical WS--most, I would think, would not do this.

For me, being pregnant through this has helped me stay stronger because I HAD to. I couldn't live with the thought that my actions could hurt my baby.

It hurts me more that I was pregnant when he chose to leave me and chose to be with another. It hurts me that in the hospital and since I have been home, he has tried to make me feel horrible and tried to get me talk about deep things when I am a hormonal, crying mess.
Yes, all affairs are HORRID. But I think there is a special place that a pregnant wife should hold in H's heart and life--and I think when he leaves her to do it alone--well, I think he saying with an exclamation point--You are not important enough to me!

I don't know if what I am saying is very coherent, as I have a fussy newborn right now.

Hey InTexas, I loved your feedback.

So true, there is an element of "adding insult to injury."

I remember thinking, how can I compete with the little movie starlet and her cheerleader body. I felt like the most unattractive thing on the planet. I felt like no man on earth wanted me because I was a walking madonna complex waiting to happen. And then I met the man who had a fetish for pregnant women and he was just creepy personified.

Human decency is twisted in an affair, it has to be when you put yourself on the top of the food chain.

Afairs are horrible no matter what stage of life you are in--but to be abandoned and betrayed while carrying a child--well, yes, I would think it takes a certain type of person to weigh that in when deciding whether to have an affair, when to end it, etc. I think of my WH, sleeping with OW and being tender to OW and then I think of my preganant belly, of the fears I had that I was hurting this baby when I would cry myself to sleep some nights. You have to wonder whether the WS thinks of this at all.

I think every WS would cheat on a pregnant spouse. And I think that WS who cheat on their pregnant spouse would feel a different amount of shame that could push them even more into the A. My FWH even said that he went back to the OW for a while because he beleived that was all he deserved. To think that the OW became a punishment in his mind. The concept that his family was better off without him did not bring him back sooner.

Just wondering how the Harley's would encourage us to deal with this spouse. I don't think they would want to measure how bad the WS is.

You said, "For me, being pregnant through this has helped me stay stronger because I HAD to."

Where did your strength come from?

For you it hurts more that you were pregnant when he chose to leave and be with another, but what if it happened when you were 70 and felt like you had shared all of your life with him and he threw you away in the end for some babe 60 year old? What did your entire life/ family mean to him? How could he?

Well said, intexas.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Hang in there...you are in our prayers!

Well, I always know my strength comes from my faith in God--something I obviously have even when I am not preggo--but the extra discipline, so to say, that I HAD to have to keep on top of my emotions--well, that came purely from knowing I had a direct effect on the baby's wellbeing and choosing to be strong for the baby. My source was my faith, but the extra "umph" came from that knowledge that I was growing this baby.


Well, I am 27, so I don't have that much life experience to have felt or even come close to that kind of situation, but when I say it hurts more that he did this when I was pregnant, I am saying that it hurts more say than if he had done this starting this Feb. THe extra element of prenancy would not be involved. That is the only way I can compare. Again, this is coming from a 27 year old, not a 60 year old.

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i don't. I think that in my case, since the A happened after I was preggo already, that my WH had to have factored that into the equation. I don't know, though. I have not met many WS's, but I would hope, at least, that this factor of the equation would bring some to decide not to continue or start in an adulterous relationship. It shows to me how much more the lack of respect for me was there.

Who is he disrespecting more, you or himself?

Well, the respect I am referring to comes more from the DObson "love must be tough" thoery/book.

To himself, I would say it is integrity more than respect for himself.
To me, it is respect enough to not only value me as aperson and wife and mother, but to value the physical condition he helped and chose to put me in. (DOes that make sense?)

Oh--and hope I am not sounding argumentative. That is SO not my personality. I just have some pretty raw emotions regarding this topic.