I want to thank you so much for your support. I see that you have been in this site for a long time and I truely feel that I can make this work. Even though I am not a highly religious person I pray that all of the things he said to me before were all fog stuff and I will try and forget. So I am not to talk about anything really till he wants to. What if he wants to? I can see him trying. He has always been the talker and jumps right in

The main thing is to stay in Plan A, with no LB's or disrespectful judgments. Many times the WS will want to incite your feelings to anger, so that he doesn't feel so much to blame.

I learned the broken record stuff in a seminar on conflict resolution for women. It keeps you on track with your message, and keeps the other person from escalating the conflict by bringing up all kind of other things.

You have done the best thing for your marriage by exposing him. That will probably kill the affair. Once the affair is over, he will change his feelings toward you.

How long do I do broken record?

As long as he says that he is done with the marriage, never cared about you, can't fall back in love with you, blah, blah, blah.

By the way, my WH's OW's husband was in Iraq fighting when they started the affair. She gave the old story that she didn't love her husband, the marriage was over, etc. When her husband came back, he told me that things in their marriage had never been better in the months before he left.

Thanks that gives me more hope.

I am a dazed. After all of this today he sneeks into the basement to do laundry at the house. Like I am not to see. Very not him. I am still waitng for part 2 of blow up. It is like the calm before the storm. He is in denile that OMW has told anyone. I am trying to remain calm. Did anyone else that is going through Plan A that was working on being a better person come to realize they love ther WS even more than they thought. I just feel wierd about that. You would think it would be the other way.

Hi, mhwag. Hang in there. Things are going to start getting real bumpy. Sounds like the affair is about to crash and burn.

You are very correct, you are not at fault in any of this. Your husband is an NCO and knew exactly what he was doing and what the probable consequences were going to be when he started seeing another serviceman's wife. I can't be very objective when talking about him. Sorry. From my point of view, he's dishonored the service and himself, as well as your marriage and the OW's husband's. I won't say anything more about him.

I'm curious about what you meant when you said OW is going to have to talk to the police. What police?

Also, why would husband come home to do laundry? Is there a chance his friend has thrown him out?

An observation: I have a pretty good idea of how much time the guys in Iraq have on the available phone lines each week. From the number of phone conversations you've written of, he's getting a LOT more than normal. To me that's an indication his deployed commander and probably the CC at home are heavily involved. They may be arranging an emergency (compassionate) leave for him so he can come home and straighten this all out. This could all be sorting itself out very soon.

I got a call from OWH today. We are keeping an open line. OW is just telling him little bits of info that she did this weekend. She has told that she was with him. OWH is doing a vey direct approach to this and giving her ultimatums and she is fencing more toward her husband. I would to if I have 4 DD under 5 years old. He has said he will cut her off if she is caught in any more lies. I so want to ask my WH if some of the things she is saying is true. But he is really not talking to me right now. What do I do?

Hello Longhorn, Yes the OWH is getting the phone time because his command is involved. OW is not needing to go to the MP's because they won't do anything it is all command controlled now. Today will be the day all will come out. OWH will not be comming home they just don't do that. I being the spouse must just sit and wait. As for the laundry I don't think he has been kicked out but that friend is the only one I have not told what has happened.

Okay. I'm familiar with AF procedures, of course, and they don't always cross service lines. Keep posting, okay? We'll be out here to support you.

Question: I have not talked to the friend that WH is living at. I don't know for sure but my gut tells me that WH has been taking her there and friend does not know about it. Friend has asked me if I want him to stay there? I now feel he should not and should be in the barracks so eveyone will be able to see him if he brings her there. If it still continues. Should I ask him to?

OW just called first time I picked up did not know it was her. It started off right away saying she was not going to tell anyone. I told her I am an adult and I make my own choices. She hung up. She called again and I let the massenge get it. She called me names made threats and told me that my WH was go to leave me even though she will be getting back with her husband. Should I let my WH hear this message?

Hi mhwag!

It sounds to me as if this ow is trying to pull you into their drama, affairs are ALL about the drama. Let her talk to your machine. As for letting wh hear the message, my gut tells me to let it go. he has to see for himself just what kind of woman she is, and you throwing it in his face is only going to make him take up for her. I wouldn't give her one iota of attention, although others may disagree with me.

But no has any suggestion for me when it comes to WH living conditions. Shouldn't I try and make him hit bottom. He is getting a free living space with no questions from a very giving man.

You can't "make" him hit bottom. Continue making your life a nice one. Save the answering machine tapes, but I would stay out of it right now.

mhwag, tell your WH's friend right away. And call the OWH and play the tape recording. Tell the OWH that if she calls there again, you will call the police and she can explain why she is harrassing a woman whose husband she just slept with. Are you sure the OWH is going to your H's CC to report the affair?

I will know that OWH has told me countless times that he will be. It will take a bit because he is in Iraq but she told him, and he was the first person to put the no contact order into place. I still don't no what to do for my WH. There is no rhyme or reason he is in right now I understand but I have a little misunderstanding as to what to do next.

I will be keeping everything open. I will be pleasent. I will try and meet his EN's. Which is hard with him not living in the house. I just don't know how far to do it. I have a time limit of sorts. You see we have orders to move back to the USA in June and that will really help in separation but will I have to start over.

SF is another issue. I am not sure if I should have SF with him. I go back and forth on this. I know it is a big EN for him but with his lieing to me right now and I not knowing if he had SF with other woman, I have this pressure.

Like Melody said, expose to WH's friend. He can put direct pressure on WH and therefore is a candidate for exposure. Reading between the lines when you said he had asked you if he should kick WH out, sounds like he's about had it with WH anyway. Save that tape and put a fresh one in the answering machine. It could be the first in a very valuable collection.

In Surviving An Affair, Dr. Harley mentions 6 months as a time limit for Plan A, which would fit nicely with your projected return to CONUS. In the example Doctor Harley uses in that book, Plan A was terminated when the WS moved out of the home and Plan B was then implemented. I think others out here might be better able to explain when, and how, Plan A can continue when WS is living separately.

So far as SF is concerned, there is a thread out here right now where the WS gave the BS herpes. It's my belief that the issue of SF should be put off until WH has been tested for STDs. You have to assume OW and WH have progressed to PA. They just spent a long weekend with each other, even if they had not been physical before. It's just too dangerous to assume OW has been particularly careful with other possible partners.

I went and talked to our friend and I am VERY VERY PI$$ED. He was approched by me WH commander and was told of the NC order today. That is what he told me. I asked him if OW has been over to his house and he says many times. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I can not believe he did not tell anyone even if he did not know that there was a NC order. I said I can't make you kick him out but maybe you should. I then said he need to call the command and he stated he did not want to get my WH in career trouble and it might push him away from me further. I told him it was not his fault they our having an affair. Then he says he has to think about it and get my WH oppion first. and this comming from an Officer. I then called my WH commander and asked him why did he not ask the officer when he talked to him today if she was ever over there. I can not belive today. I will be telling OWH when he calls.

It is hard to stay calm as you find out all this stuff!

A suggestion though from someone who has been through this:

The commander is a great resource for you!

Rather than call him and ask why he didn't ask the friend, you may want to call with the information to "assist him" in fully investigating this situation.

I made sure to put everything I had in an email to my XH's commander. If I called him, I then followed up with an email so we all knew we were on the same documented page.

Remember, the commander MUST handle this properly or he can be in trouble.

Same goes for the officer/friend. By passing the information you obtained from the officer/friend to the commander, he is going to need to follow up on it.

If it comes to lying to the commander and covering for his friend or protecting his own backside, my guess is that backside will be well covered.

FIM