I haven't posted in quite awhile but I need some HELP!!! The desire to do this is driving me nuts---and I am having a difficult time handling it--<P>I am at a crossroads in recovery--my H. had year long affair with co-worker. I now have enough information and concrete proof to get *her* fired for inappropriate conduct--there is only one small problem--it would mean my H. would lose his job too. I say small because we have another business that can replace his salary--plus we can live easily on mine.<P>I thought I had overcome this desire 'to get even' until I was told (nice anonymous phone call) that *she* has been promoted to a supervisor position--less than 6 months after her boyfriend comes into the office with tapes of my H. and *her* on the phone--he made a scene and demanded my H. be fired. *Her* boss thru the boyfriend out. Nothing was done to *her* but my H. was transferred to another location and (undesirable) position. <P>My H. is working hard to rebuild our marriage--there is no evidence that they are seeing each other or in communication. The problem is ME--I want sooo badly to get even with this woman--some of it comes from *her* boyfriend telling me that 16 years ago she cheated on *her* first husband with him--they have lived together ever since. He said he should have expected it to happen again--why would *she* be faithful to him?<P>From all appearances *Her* life has gone on--she is back with boyfriend and getting a promotion--6 months after. While I struggle every day to stay and try to rebuild the trust and pick up the pieces of my marriage.<P> I have gotten in the car and actually drove there to do it--but stopped myself before going in--I have picked up the phone countless times and put it done. I am handling the desire to get even the best I can but I am afraid that it is a losing battle. Would you get even if you could??? <P><p>[This message has been edited by mdj (edited August 16, 1999).]

MDJ, there is nothing I would like more. THere have been so many different ways I can and even use the law to my advantge. The cruelty and humiliation I was subjected to inflames anger in me these many months later. <BR>Realisticly, there is no satisfaction for this kind of thing. If you did get her back, would that realy be enough? Is there really any thing that you could do to make this right? A betrayal of this kind is so far beyond, that there is very little you could do. I could sue or go get him fired but that would expose the possibility of my children finding out. <BR>I think that it is far better in the long run to focus on your spouse and let the op fade into nothingness. If it had not be that op it would have been another OP. <P>I knew I had gotten about as much "vengence" as I was going to get when I had to talk my W out of going after the OP.....

mdj,<P>Don't do it! It isn't worth the energy or the blow it will eventually cause to your self worth if you do. During the darkest moments of my anger towards the OM and my W, I have had terrible "revenge" thoughts and all it does is make me even crazier. Pray to God about it. Let him handle her. I am reminded of the saying, "What goes around, comes around". She will get hers in due time. Hang in there! I know how you feel.<P>

mdj<BR>This is one of the toughest parts of all I think. Every time I get new info or another blow to the stomach I want to let the OW have everything she deserves. That would take a long time!!!!!<BR>Just keep saying to yourelf "I am a better person than this. I am a better person than she is....."<BR>I am having the struggle of my life after finding out how much my son has suffered from this. <BR>Know that I am struggling the same way you are!<BR>She is not worth it!!!!!<BR>I read somewhere that you can use the revenge fatasies for the same purpose. Just imagine the revenge to the fullest. Enjoy the image and then get on with your life. I have had a few sweet dreams after doing that. Usually the fantasy is better than doing it because you have complete control of the outcome and you get to watch the whole thing in your mind. It sounds really mean but it gets the emotions out as long as you don't obsess.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Revenge is a dish best served cold.<P> -- Oscar Wilde<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>[This message has been edited by Dazed and Confused (edited August 16, 1999).]

Fighter--<P>I didn't realize you were still around--you gave me some things to think about--I don't know if anything would ever be enough--it is just so hard to release the anger I have for her part in this--I don't blame her for all my/our problems--but there is no denying that she played a willing part in it. I am able to talk to my H. and try to understand and work thru the hurt and anger. He has expressed his sorrow to me and we are working on things--although I make it difficult sometimes. The only emotion she has ever expressed to me was intense anger --mostly yelling at me that my H. lied to her and betrayed her by not divorcing me to be with her. There have been debates about would you forgive the OP if they said they were sorry--for me it would go a long way in lessening the anger I feel towards her.<P>

MDJ- Her yelling at you that your husband chose you over her. Boy, if that isin't revenge. I say, hold your head high. <BR>Your husband has demonstrated that you are the better woman than her. Like Wassi said, this is the best revenge. Most of us betrayed would give to be in that enviable position. <P>The anger flares up with the same intensity it did months ago. I'm not sure what to do with it. I think that someday I'll get tired of it and it will fade. She is not that person anymore. Her anger and hatred are gone and replaced with sorrow and remorse. It does no good to get angry at her now. That girl is gone....

I have a freaky but true to God story,<P>I would never wish any harm to come to my W. The OM is a different story. I realize that I contributed to the demise of the marriage and do not blame her fully. I really want her back.<P>About a month or so ago I was doing laps around the garage. That is walking around in circles in a three bay facility while smoking one cig after another. This seems to help get out some of the mental frustrations that I have pent up inside. Nobody sees me so not to worry.<P>I was wishing that the OM would surcome to a horrible fate eliminating the supposed problem that I wrongly envisioned was keeping the W away. Yes I was in a somewhat fantasy world as well and thought W would come running home if her beloved was out of the picture. Then I realized that he would call her and beg to have her come to the hospital. End of a good revenge picture.<P>Well, was I suprised when W called two weeks later and told me she was at the hospital with Brian, "her friend" and his family because he fell off a cliff while hiking and required emergency surgery to save his badly fractured foot. She had to tell me because I am in this ER all the time with the ambulance and know everyone who works there and they would have asked why Val was there visiting without me.<P>Not being real into the occult someone told me that if you wish something bad upon someone else and it happens it will return to you threefold. Well I was freaked enough with the fall.<P>Just came back from the Dr. today, haven't been feeling well, chills and heat streaks, found out I am septic with an abcess and will have surgery this Wednesday to have it cut out. Did I do this to myself?<P>Totally freaked out, never had a health problem in 39 years.<P>Medic, hiding under the covers

What kind of cigarettes were you smoking? I think this is just the placebo effect. If it were true about evil coming back threefold then I should be dead three times over now. Forget about the freaky stuff. You do more damage to yourself by steaming over this. Start living your life. That is the only revenge.

Fighter, glad to see you're still here,<P>I smoke the cheapies, Doral, 100's full flavor. This is my second marriage. In the first I was the betrayer. Vowed never to do that ever again, and I mean never.<P>I just walk around in circles at work reliving the last ten years that I screwed up and treated this wonderful woman badly. She couldn't have been any better to me if she wanted. I was just stuck on stupid. The years that have gone by I can't change if I wanted to. <P>You have to admit it is quite a strange coincidence that my thoughts and reality hit a certain plain within two weeks and he certainly could have died from the fall. Being in the emergency medical field I heard that this was a very serious and difficult rescue operation from those on scene.<P>I have always had a facination with the occult and magic, but never delve into it. If I really wanted to get back at the OM, my cousin is a member in the motorcycle gang the Pagans. I understand they would be more than happy to cap this guy. {break both knee caps so that he would never be able to walk again for the paltry price of a case of beer}. But what would this do for me and the marriage? I COULD NEVER REALLY BRING MYSELF TO HURT SOMEONE ELSE, SO DON'T WORRY IT WON'T HAPPEN.<P>I was the idiot in the relationship and if it weren't him {OM} it would be someone else to meet her needs. <P>I have learned alot from this site and you in particular, I just wish my W would believe I have too.<P>Lastly, I am very strong emotionally until I meet or talk with the W. Then I melt like butter on a hot grill.<P>Medic

this to me, is not something that comes back to them, in time enough!! I am one who won`t ruin my settlement, before hand, but it is going to happen. It depends on your situation. This Ow, befreinded me, and I entertained her, and she befreinded my daughter as well. I am sorry, this makes me so angry! I know onw thing only. this OW H will know when MY TIMING IS RIGHT! I feel she helped make him make this dicission, (whether, with her or not) after he left. I feel no one has the right to do this to other woman, men, or kids, and shoulod get away with no greif them sleves! sorry if any one disagrees. it is my opinion, and my life she has stepped on. I know her marriage is already on it`s way out, ( only she has to wait until next june of 2000 for her daughters wedding!) so it must be before that! my daughter now knows of my upsetness about this woman, and sees/saw me crying all the time, and lsot her dad, full time! due to his feeling of security becasue this perdue!! was on the sly, for him now. no. no way is it going to be easy for them, no way!!<P>I know alot do not agree with me, I have psoted this before else where, but to me, he would have stayed and worked this out, if not for her, in the way, and persuading him along the way also! <P>AV

I know all about revenge - I think (thought) of it all the time. I had a great weekend w/my H and I have decided its time to let go of the past. I read something in Ann Landers today that stuck. "The rage you feel does more damage to the vessel in which its stored than to the object on which its poured."<P>It's true, I know but I also know how you feel. Keep your energies on you and your H. So easy to say I know....Magoskid

I wanted to come here and write what i had seen in the Ann Landers column today, but i see Magoskid beat me to it!!! It makes alot of sense.

I'm enjoying revenge without having to do it (yet). My H is not having an affair yet,but I have made clear the consequenses if he crosses the line. (see "Is sex the only way to define an affair? approx p.8 of infidelity) The potential OW is his commanding officer in his reserve unit. I have reminded him that if they go any further with thier relationship (which is already too close for comfort)that she could face charges of 1) Conduct unbecoming an officer, 2)Adultery, 3)Fraternization. These are serious charges in a military court, and both of them could forget about the promotions they are hoping for. The look on his face was priceless. It affected him soo much it makes me wonder if he hasn't crossed the line already. He asked me how I could hurt her like that. (she is supposed to be my friend)I told him that her having an affair with my H is far worse than her having to suffer the consiquenses of her actions. Besides, if they don't cross the line, then they don't have anything to worry about. <BR>

mdj - I disagree with (what seems to me to be) the general thrust of responses to your post. I think you SHOULD try and get the OW fired if you really can. (Though sounds like she has an in with her boss and your H definitely doesn't. Have you thought maybe her BOSS is having an affair with her - that's why she keeps getting promoted? (This is the Wex Theory of Corporate Politics and applies to both sexes.) But yeah, if you really think you can do it, go for it. I certainly would, if I knew for sure who my wife's OM was. I would simply tell his boss he was having and affair with my W and that if something wasn't done to stop it, I would sue the freaking company and bring reams of bad publicity down on their head! That's how angry I am.<P>I mean, look, on the subject of revenge in general, I can "forgive and forget" as well as the next guy, provided the offender apologizes and WANTS forgiveness. If not, not. I am not about to forgive someone who doesn't even acknowledge that they've wronged me. Besides, "all's fair in love and war."<P>--Wex

Please really think about and pray before you make any kind of rash decision. Revenge may feel good for a season if it doesn't back fire on you. I posted before about blessing and not cursing. Romans12.14-21 Let God avenge not yourselves, "Vengence is mine; I will repay, says the Lord." There is a principle involved here. If you bless your enemies, do good and not repay evil for evil (stooping to OP level) God will heap coals of fire on thier heads. Believe me this works. You might wonder why God would heap coals on thier heads? He loves all of us and the purpose of this is to bring that OP to his conviction, saving grace and knowledge, turning thier lives around for His Glory. I would much rather see my H and the OW (who lives accross the street) repent and turn than to have both of them curse me. This entirly puts it into God's hands, he knows how to avenge us far better than any punnie earthy revenge we could do or receive for a season. This is life changing stuff.

I hope no one misunderstands me. I'm not holier than thou. Believe me I have had thoughts of beating the OW up. Even thought about shooting her. Understand she has moved in across the street. H cut it off with her 1 1/2 yrs ago. I just know he would probably go over there and console her if I did anything to her. So I leave it in God's hands knowing he will do it right. The last thing I want to do is make an open door for her. She already tried that one. I'm not saying I'm not going to lose it sometime, just trying hard not to. It's in his hands I just hope He gives me the strength to leave it there. Love, Ginn

mdj -- I must say that I have been in a VERY close situation to yours. I have compemplated revenge against the OM on more occasions that I would really like to admit.<P>I know who he his, I know how I could destroy him. My fear is "would I be able to stop there." I honestly do not know the answer to that question.<P>Like MEDIC238, I too have "contacts" who would do anything I asked of them, for a "paultry" fee if I asked. And I have considered it.<P>So why haven't I done anything to carry out these thoughts of revenge? It's simple, and at the same time time it is very complicated. Bottom line is, I don't think I am ready to pay the price required to have my revenge. It would be far to expensive, emotionally and spiritually.<P>I hope this helps somehow.<P>God Bless<BR>

Been tempted myself, I am in a position of power as I know about the OW but her husband doesn't know....often thought of telling him, but wouldn't inflict the same pain on anyone else (her H) that I suffered after I found out. As it's over, doesn't seem like it would do anything other than cause hurt....although sometimes I would like to see her charmed life be destroyed in some way, as mine was.....Revenge doesn't seem to be worth the effort...It won't take away any of the hurt, just lowers yourself to their level, and makes you behave in ways you wish later you didn't.

I too had the revenge thoughts. Obsessive, hateful, diabolical thoughts! But never acted on them. As I told my husband and still believe (especially w/a repeat offender!), she is one of millions of women in this world....he just happened to choose her. (and her, and her!) What I wanted was justice. What I prayed for was justice. I had to put my faith in God to bring down justice on her. And I know He will! (But boy would I love to see it w/my own eyes!)<P>What goes around, comes around...Believe it!<P>God Bless.