i posted this in recovery, but there are so many people in general questions, i posted it here too. sorry if that is bad etiquette, but i need as much advice as possible so i don't make another mistake.

i had a four month EA and a one month PA until i couldn't live with my two lives and pryed myself away from FOM. H knows all now. seven weeks of NC, and i experienced all the withdrawal symptoms of my addiction to him.

since i made my decision to stay with H, FOM initially showed me (just prior to the NC) a horrible side of himself. i knew my decision was the right thing to do, and that i truly do love H, and want to be married to him. i tried to explain that to FOM prior to NC, but he wouldn't hear any of it.

H and i are now trying to recover. we are doing ok. i want to focus all my attention on H but i am having difficulty dealing with the fact that FOM, unable to accept my reasons for NC with him, turned what i felt as love and he said he felt as love into me using him for a PA. last week, he phoned our house, and H told him to stay out of our lives for good. FOM asked my H how he could live with me when all i was is a wh***. H told him never to call again and hung up on him.

i really need help and support because i am finding myself increasingly focused on wanting to contact FOM and tell him that was not what it was for me. obviously i am still having withdrawal symptoms. but i fear that there is something else wrong with me that is underlying, possibly why i allowed myself to get involved with FOM in the first place. i just don't understand why i care so much that FOM understand that the PA was inconsequential for me (although not for H), that i truly felt i loved him and it was just the next step. i had already betrayed H by falling in love with FOM.

i especially worry about why i would care more about what he thinks after he spoke to and about me so horribly. what is wrong with me? i have even considered contacting him to explain why i cut him off from all contact again, even though he is an adult and likely understands fully why it had to be this way.

why do i still have feelings for someone who has shown me a side of him that is this terrible, and why do i still care what he thinks of me? intillectually i know not to contact him. it kills me to have someone hate me this much. please help me get through this, so i can focus all my attention on H who i love dearly and am determined to prove that to, and will work every day at regaining his trust in me.

thank you in advance for being blunt and truthful, i really need to hear it.

OK, iwas...I am both a FWW and a BS. It is too early in the process for you to see your A clearly. FOM is right. You did not love 'him' you loved the 'feelings' you got from him. KWIM? It took me quite a while to understand that I love my H the entire duration of my A but FOM filled needs for me that led me to believe I loved him. Admiration, conversation were high on my list of needs and my H seemed unable or unwilling to fill those needs. OM did fill them. Yes, I went through the whole disgusting "soulmate" crap with OM. Yuck! It was selfishness pure and simple. You will get there I promise you. DO NOT CONTACT OM. It is disrespectful to your H and harmful to your recovery and M. It will set you back to dday. Keep posting here and I invite you to join us in the FWW thread started by Dorry.

Hello iwsw,

Hopefully some of the other FWW's will be around soon but you are most welcome here.We are busier here,that is true.

Personally,all that you said sounds normal.I have read it time and again.It's all part of letting go and dealing with your past feelings and what went on.But what OM thinks of you,what happened,how he changed and what he says is all moot now.The focus,is you and your H.100%.You are only 7 weeks out of NC and that is still very new.Don't be too hard on yourself.You have to work through all those feelings just like all the other areas.

The OM is most likely mad at you and said hurtful things because he is hurting too but also that his internal plan didn't work out maybe the way he hoped( you leaving your H).of course they all turn.Who wouldn't be upset and feel "used"? But that doesn't matter anymore and you have no more "closure" with him.He has to find a new life of dignity and respect and one of truth and selflessness.It is no longer with you.You are a married woman.

Whatever you feel,just keep your eye on the goals ok? A better marriage,a healthy outlook,a happy family and personal recovery as well as marital.You have to wade through some quicksand and mud sometimes but you'll get there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

O

thanks FF, i have been reading here since NC and it has helped tremendously. thank you so much. sometimes i just think i need to hear it. i really question myself though, why do i care so much. i see what you mean that looking back i did not love FOM, or i wouldn't have treated him that way either. but at the time i thought i did. so, i wasn't using him. my friend says he is just trying to get to me again. or maybe he is trying to justify his own actions (he was engaged and broke it off during the EA).

anyways, i appreciate your post. i wonder if my H (who also reads here) and I would get any help in talking with you, as he is also a BS from me, and a FWS as well. if you don't mind, i'll ask him if we should contact you.

thanks octobergirl. letting go is what i need to realize that i need to do. i am sorry for your situation. you're right, closure will never happen, and he is probably doing it because he is hurt. thanks so much for the reassurance.

iwas, I would love to communicate with your and your H. It does get quite complicated when both have sinned against each other. After a very long struggle my H and I just heading into M recovery. I have been in personal recovery since my dday and before.

DO NOT contact FOM. This is all part of the process. It might help if you journalled your feelings and you will look back on it and see progress. You've taken a brave road to face your issues...It is a journey well worth it. Talk to your H, go do something fun w/ your H...don't waste any more time and energy in the A, its over.

You will be in my prayers for a clear mind and calm heart.

Yes confused42 is right, DO NOT contact FOM. No matter how strong the feeling is to contact, you must not. Just take today, and vow not to do it. Then take tomorrow. One day at a time. THIS IS IMPORTANT you will find out later.

FF, it would be great for us both to contact you. i want to clear up that H did not cheat on me. but we will talk to you about that together if H feels it will help us at all. thanks!

confused, i don't know why i didn't think of a journal. that is how i managed to come to my decision to stay in my M. i should have thought of that. i will start today. i think i will send myself an automatic email every hour that says "DO NOT CONTACT HIM!"

LY, day by day, that is a helpful way of looking at it. slowly. thank you.

I know the feelings you have. I know them very well. I know them too well as a FWH. In fact after a year, I still have the desire to contact OP, but not as intense. At first it is worse than a chain smoker quiting cold-turkey. Then after time, things heal. I do not condone your A, but I do empathize with your feelings of withdrawal.

This Is a great forum with so much help from good, experienced people. I have not posted much, but come to read every day. It may seem there is more support for BS here simply because they outnumber WS here. That makes sense, but most are happy you are hear, and that you aknowledge your search for help. You may find others are ready with their 2x4, and may seem to care less about withdrawel feelings of the WS. I don't blame them, they have been hurt - badly. Also, reading Harley's books SAA, LB, HNHN have been such wonderful theropy - especially in between MC.

There is "A Quick start guide on withdrawal for FWS’s and BS’s" by Suzet I think somewhere on this site that may help?

Listen, I know how badly you want to contact OM right now. It is probably eating at your mind. Your emotions tell you to do it every minute, but you cannot trust your emotions right now. Try to get busy with something else to occupy your mind.

How supportive is your H being through all of this?

my H is a pillar of strength. I dont know where he gets it from. likely he is trying very hard to deal with it all, while being very understanding of my depression, for which i am on AD and having bizaar side effects and withdrawal symptoms from trying to get off them. when i don't feel physically ill, or emotionally drained, i tell/show him how horrible i feel about what i did, that i know i've hurt him more than i ever could, and that i am an open book to him. i must say i have caught myself in the act of trying to "just get over it" when he has asked me a couple of questions, like, "did you come here for lunch" that type of thing. however, when i realize what i've done, i am quick to appologize and tell him he never has to be sorry, for anything.

in our four years together, and 1.5 yrs of marriage, we have been through h*** and back, not our relationship, but life circumstances. we got through them. we have (had) a strong relationship. i believe there are underlying reasons for my A, that i came into our relationship with (with H) and go way back in my life. we will get through this too. i read as much as i can, both about what he and i are going through and can expect, as does he.

he has his days, where he just can't stand me. he's quiet, doesn't yell. just says, "i'm mad at you". i get it. it's hard but he's entitled.

i love suzet! she is so helpful. thanks for the concern, i know you are not condoning my A, just trying to help me get through it all.

You must be comended for being here as a WS. You are looking for help on the right path. Also, if your H is able to control his temper, as it seems, your recovery is MUCH better. Of course he will be angry, but he is VERY smart not to indulge in LB through outbursts, insults, and disrect. I have suffered through that.

Dear Iwas, I’m glad you’ve found this website and I also want to commend you for being here and seeking help for your problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please don’t contact FOM no matter how you feel. Contacting him will put you back to square 1 of withdrawal and it will be very painful for your H and put him back to square 1 of recovery as well... Remember, the problem is not with the feelings we experience (which is often not controllable), but whether we act on those feelings or not. You have FULL control over your actions no matter how you feel and no matter how difficult or painfull it might be...

The fact that you still have feelings for FOM (in spite of the way he has treated you) is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you. With time, patience and continuous NC the feelings will eventually wear off. Seven weeks is still very early in recovery and withdrawal, so you need to be patient with yourself and give yourself some time.

HERE is the link to my withdrawal guide. Please read everything on this thread and all the other links I have also provided in this thread. I’m sure you will find this guide very helpful and it will also help to give you more insight into the withdrawal process you’re currently go through.

Keep posting!

Blessings and take care,
Suzet

thanks suzet and LY. H is a very cool tempered person. this has only helped both of us. ironically, our disrespect for eachother prior to my A (several months prior) resulted in him getting very angry at my snappiness. the whole ordeal has caused us to take a good look at why we were ever treatiing eachother so badly in the first place. i will take a look at your withdrawal post suzet. i don't want go to H for support, as it is he who needs my support right now. so that is why i find this discussion forum so helpful. my friends and sister are also very supportive, or our marriage and the road that lies ahead for us. thanks

By the way, DO NOT contact OM. Did we mention that today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How are you today?