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My husband came clean with his affair 6 days ago, so I'm still fresh. He is very remorseful and we're both dedicated to rebuilding. I have understanding for his "reasons" and know there was a need I did not fulfill. He knows how wrong he was and why he strayed. So, a lot of my anger is towards the other woman.

She infiltrated our lives, used our friendship and goodwill to manipulate us, become friends with our friends and now even works in the same office my husband works in (a door we openened for her with our contacts).

I want to confront her. I don't want to let her apologize or give her that absolution, but I want to let her know that she's no longer in control and she's playing my game now. I want to tell her that she has to leave her job (which she doesn't even like anyway), leave the friendships she's made with our friends and never look back.

I've spent all morning crafting a monologue to say to her. Does anyone have any advice on this? I want to confront her in a totally cool and calm demeanor, not offer any judgment, but show enough control in my own strong sense of self and moral values to let her know how wrong she has been.

Can anyone please offer advice???

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It's usually a bad idea to confront the OW. They often don't CARE. Whatever she's says, I'm sure it won't satisfy you.

However, she needs to leave the job. That may be difficult. I hope she won't claim sexual harrassment.

Your husband needs to write her a no contact letter saying that the affair was a big mistake, that he loves his wife and is working on his marriage, and wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. Then you send the letter.

As BS's we are always very angry with the OW. But the problem lies in our spouses.

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I agree with believer...
1. The OW won't care about nor listen to your words. Don't give her your time, energy nor your power.
2. Your WH "opened" the door to your sitch now. He must be the one to close it. The NC letter would be appropriate.
3. Becareful of "sexual harassment" issues should your WH advise she must leave her job, he may have to leave as well as concequence.
4. She is nothing, nothing, nothing. Your concentration must be on you, your husband, your family, and your marriage...let her go.
5. Head to MC or IC.

I will keep you in my prayers.
Peace,

holiday


M 013082 BS me 47 FWH 44 DD 112904 NC 113004 S 22 D 15 Tell the truth. There will be less things to remember.
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I confronted the OW before I found MBer's. I wish that I had not. I went to her home. She was very ugly and the things that she said I did not need to hear.

I would not do it.


Me (BS) - 38 Him (WS) - 40 DDay - 7/6/04 Seperated - 5/26/04 - 8/9/4 In Recovery The Lord told me to Press On!
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Fresh,

Agree with the others here. You will gain nothing from contacting OW. Since your H ended his A with her, she may be angry and vindictive toward you and say anything to further your pain. And, it will work!

Your H should send her a NC letter that you have approved. As far as demanding that she leave her job, I don't recommend that course. The OW in my FWH's A worked for him as a freelance writer. When the affair ended and he told her that NC meant she would no longer be able to write for him, she sent a letter to his publisher claiming SH and demanding a severance package. She got nothing but a letter from the company's legal office, but ultimately my FWH left the company for a new job. Yours may have to do the same.

Affairs impact your entire life. Makes you wonder if WS had any idea of how disruptive and painful their actions were going to be....would they still do it?

Who


I am the BW,
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D-Day: 12/02/03

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Thanks to all whom replied. Yesterday was a bad day. I realize now that me wanting to confront her is just a byproduct of the fact that my WH hasn't told her yet that he's told me about the A. So, I was still feeling like I had no control. He may have told her it was over, but she still thinks I'm in the dark. It will be better once we get passed that hurdle.

Thank you, again.

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Okay, the first step is for him to write a no contact letter. It should say that he made a HUGE mistake, loves you, and wants no contact for any reason. This is essential. If he refuses, you've got problems.

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Freshhurt I agree with the others, your husband does need to do a no contact letter and that it would be best otherwise that you do not confront her. But since you have already drafted a monologue of what you'd like to say to her you may want to continue with this and throw in all your unbridled feelings in a letter—of course, do not give it to her. But it does help to get all that anger towards OP down on paper that way you do not have to carry so much of it around within yourself. Destroy the letter afterwards. But it really does help to capture and contain your anger towards with paper and words. It helps you to gain a much cooler frame of mind with relationship to. I have actually written several to OW, and I do note as time wears on and heals, that they are getting shorter and that my anger towards has paled--well, some what at least.

Hugs,

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I am also freshly hurt - just found out two weeks ago yesterday. But this is not the first time. Been married 23 years to a man, for some reason, that I deeply love. Ten years ago he came to me telling me how he had fallen deeply in love with a co-worker. We had just built the house of our dreams on nine lovely acres in the country. I was a stay-at-home mom with three great boys. Educated, I was getting back in the groove by teaching at a local community college. Lots of work preparing classes, getting the kids adjusted, longer commute, etc. It took a year of therapy, three years of doubts, we read all of Dr. Hartley's materials (they help, but more about this later)for me to get over the hurt, anger, pain, rejection, and feelings of failure. My youngest is now in HS, my older ones in college. I work full time and took on extra assignments to pay the bills. Very busy. Found emails, love poems, etc while cleaning up computer files while he was out of town. On a whim, he contacted his first girlfriend - started with lunches, etc. So, here we go again. Only this time I know who she is - it will do no good to contact her.

This is my personal opinion on the whole subject. Affairs happen because of the shortcomings of the betrayer. His needs her needs, give and take, policy of joint agreement, policy of honesty - they're all great books to read to learn how to communicate, respect, and love one another. They help forge a bond where you can see your partner more clearly. But I read a great review while searching amazon.com for books (again!) on the subject, words that I could finally identify with. One review(for a book written by Brown)had this to say:

"The notion that infidelity always reveals somethng about the marriage continues to impose on couples demands that no one in any other realm of health care would countenance. That an affair has occurred obviously means that the marriage was vulnerable. That the pattern of marital interaction allowed it to happen. That does not mean that the affair is a function of that pattern.....Sometimes we choose dishonorable ways of feeling better because of our own shortcomings. This is not a shortcoming of your marriage. Nothing ever makes an individual trustworthy except his or her own good character. An affair need not show anything wrong with the marriage, but it ALWAYS shows unreliable character - a person who does not keep promises and engages in deceit is, by definition, unreliable. Yes, you might be able to decrease the partner's unhappiness; then THEN YOU WILL HAVE TAKEN THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR KEEPING THE PARTNER HAPPY ENOUGH THAT HE OR SHE WON'T DO WHAT THEY SHOULD NEVER BE WILLING TO DO ANYWAY"

Does this ring home to you, freshly hurt? My advice is that your husband needs to find out why he isn't comfortable with himself. We went through therapy last time and it helped me understand how to communicate better with my life-partner, but it didn't get to the core of why my husband would risk so much to satisfy a "need" in him. He says he loves me - and has finally recognized that he is "searching" for something, but he doesn't know what that is. Be careful of therapists who play the blame game, or allow you to bring up past hurts - it is not helpful. Find a MC that will keep you in the here and now, and will eventually want to talk to your husband alone about why he is not comfortable with who he is and tries to help him communicate with himself - the lack of which manifests in risky behavior.


Me BS age 48 H WS age 48 M 24 yrs 3 DS 21,19,16 D-day 1 1/96 D-day 2 1/06 (different OW) Rumors of others during D-day 2
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I am working on my situation with my WH. However we are going down this road a 2nd time. The first time the OW actually confronted me. It wasn't a pretty scene at all. Her behavior was that of a real nut. Anyway, I focused on her a lot. As a result, I missed oppurtunities to focus on my H and his responsibility in it and accountability issues. By looking at her so much I actually began to believe that she was at fault and missed the fact that she couldn't have the A by herself. There had to be a willing participant and initiator. When I should've been trying to get him to speak up about the situation and committ to our marriage, I was looking at how I could get back at her.


LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
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Working in Plan A.
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I am the mother of five and have been what I thought happily married for 14 yrs.I found out about my husbands a when the ow husband showed up at the door.I actually defended my husband and sent him packing.Later that night at 3am she started calling the house and threatening to kill me,all while my h layed in bed pretending it had nothing to do with him.She is still over a year later doing things to harass me and my children.Chances are if she has the lack of morals that I think most ow have she will only use it as an oppurtunity to further her own agenda,and unfortunately that will probably include hurting you.

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Don't give her the benefit of your attention. Believer's advice is very, very good. These women thrive on pushing themselves into your life, so any discussion you have with her will only feed this desire to try to control you and your situation.

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Twotimes,

I hope you'll come over to the "In Recovery" forum and join our Enneagram discussion. There are answers as to why your H has allowed himself to get into this mess again that you will quickly understand if you understand his type. I'm really sorry for your pain. I know it well. This personality assessment saved us YEARS of therapy and puts ALL of the blame on the WS. Our marriage was very good. My H didn't know how to "do" happy.

Sorry for the bit of a threadjack...just wanted to give you a heads up. I rarely even wander over here so it might be fate that brought me here!

Stillwed


Me-BS age 48 Enneagram type 1w2 H-FWS age 49 Enneagram type 4w3 Married 30 years 3 grown kids 5 grandkids! D-day 1: 11/86 1 affair D-day 2: 1/4/03 H revealed 8 more affairs
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Freshhurt,

I contacted the OW. I let her know behind closed doors, how I felt, asked her the questions I wanted to know. After the confrontation, I walked out like nothing happened. But, be prepared, if you do, that it may get nasty. Your temper and hers will flair, by the things said. She may even say YOU harrassed her.

So far as a no contact letter, be careful about this - it can be used in a harrassment charge against your husband. You don't need to do a no contact letter. If he wants, he can go back to her with or without a letter.

It never works out,working with the OW, never. You will never feel comfortable about him working with her - she'll be a constant reminder of what happened, the hurt - are they still stealing glances/smiling/talking with each other. You'll drive yourself crazy. She will always have the upper hand on him. She can file harrassment charges, whenever. The best thing to do, is get her out of there, transfer or have your husband look for a new job immediately. Take it from someone who knows.

Good luck.

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Quote
You don't need to do a no contact letter.

I respectfully disagree. Some OP just don't understand that the affair is really over until this step is taken. My FWH initially called OW with me listening to the call on another line (unknown to OW) after he sent her an email ending the affair. About a month and a half later he ended up sending her a NC letter (approved by me) that finally got thru to her that there was no hope of their relationship ever beginning again, ever. We never heard from her again and don't expect to.

As far as a harrassment charge, if the letter is carefully worded and merely states that FWH desires no contact with OW and requests she honor the request, IMHO, I don't see how that could be construed as harrassment of any kind.

Who


I am the BW,
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WhoMe,

Every situation is different. In our situation, everything was misconstrued. The OW made so many accusations in her harrassment charge that were untrue, we were both dumbfounded. And, this person was supposedly in love with my husband???? She accused me and my husband of everything but robbing a bank. This OW is totally vindictive - wants to drag BOTH of us thru the mud.

My husband never realized this would happen - even after I pleaded with him to have her transfered to another dept. or have him look for another job. He figured since he had no contact with her other than business, things would move along as usual. I did suggest the no contact letter at the time - but, he refused - didn't want anyone to know of the affair - evidence. Now he realizes it was a big mistake, to keep working with the OW. So we just have to wait - the charge is still pending.

Just goes to show everyone, working with the OP, never, ever works out. Sooner or later, it will backfire in the WS face.

At this point, he has to just stay were he is, for the time being at least.

If the letter worked for you - that's great. Wish our situation works out for the best. Every time I think we're well on our way to recovery - the "thorn in my side" steps in.

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I agree with believer, Do not talk to the ow. I called a few of my husbands(friends)and I was nice(very hard to do) I told them I didn't have a beef with them I just needed to know so I could get my life in order.They clearly lied and one was extremely sarcastic and then she said at the end of our conversation that she would pray for me(what a sweetheart!) It hurts to this day so much that if I even see someone who looks like any of them I am enraged. I honestly feel sorry for them if I see them in public. HOT coffee anyone!!!!?

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Claire,

I think the phone is different than when you are face to face with someone. But, you are correct, the OW can lie and be very sarcastic. When I started out talking/confronting the OW, I started out nicely, asking why did she do it to another woman, how could she, was she in love with him? I think she was honest, even had tears in her eyes. But then all of a sudden, her tone changed. Then she started saying things to make me angry, so I lashed out at her, told her exactly what I thought of her. I know a lot of betrayed spouses wish they could say how they feel to the OP.

I guess in some cases, you don't get anywhere by confronting them - you find out nothing but lies. I am still glad that I got to tell her how I felt about what she did and to leave my husband alone.

I don't think she quite got the message my husband didn't want to be bothered with her - so I told her. She kept running to him when ever she had a problem - even though my husband told her flat out, he was done, finished, with her - nothing other than business. I think in her mind she thought they were going to have some type of friendship after the relationship - "over my dead body"!

I never regretted confronting her. I needed to do this for myself. Everyone has to do what they need to heal, to get answers. To me this was part of it. A lot of my questions were answered, not only by my husband, but from the OW.

I think she always thought I was a "push over" - now she doesn't. That's why she wants to get even with ME also.

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Forgive,

OK, I get it. OW initiated a harrassment charge after your FWH ended the affair. Our situations are not all that different.

In my sitch....FWH and FOW were friends during college. Fast forward 15 years and OW needs to generate some income. FWH steps up to the plate as a friend and hires OW (who lives 3000 miles away) as a freelance writer.

THis arrangement works well for about two years, then OW divorces her husband and decides that FWH would be a suitable replacement. So, she begins to constantly praise him, build him up, and confide personal problems to him. One thing leads to another and they begin an affair (long distance).

After only a few months of meeting during my FWH's business travel, OW wants more and more time together. FWH is feeling guilt, pressure, fear, etc. He is now very sorry he got himself into the affair. He tries to end it. OW begs, pleads, threatens.....

Finally, FWH is on the verge of a breakdown, he ends the affair, no matter what OW threatens to do.

During the phone conversation I mentioned above, OW is frantic to keep FWH in contact with her. She insists that they can remain business associates because she so desparately needs the income. FWH says no. OW then says "tearfully'" that she will always be there for him. FWH says, that can not be, I love my wife and want to work things out with her and that means I can never have anything to do with OW.

Within two days, OW had written to FWH's publisher claiming sexual harrassment and requesting a severance settlement. She got nothing but a negative response from the agencies legal office. But FWH was really embarrassed and his publisher told him that he was disappointed that FWH had shown such poor judgement.

Ultimately, things were never the same for FWH at that job and he moved on. He has yet to find a job as secure or rewarding. So the negative impact of his bad decision remains with him perpetually.

Makes you wonder, if they used their brains enough to think through the possible outcome of entering into an affair, would they still do it?

Who


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WhoMe,

The OW didn't make charges till about 6 mos. later. I'm not going into details. But, the OW figured she could get some extra bucks out of this, while getting even at the same time.

Now that my husband might be embarrassed, slandered, he's agreeing with me that he should have done something sooner. It's funny, that when I begged him to do something to get her transfered a long time ago, it didn't seem that important to him.

Why do things have to come to this before the WS realizes that the BS spouse might have been right? And yes, my FWH now can't imagine how he even got involved with the OW, what was he thinking? He would love to "turn back the clock".

The OW also said to my husband "that she was always there for him, they were soul mates, how could he be so heartless, uncaring, blah,blah", when he told her it was over. Yeah, sure!!!! Give me a break - she really cares now!!

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