As I have always said, keep good records on everything!

We met with the oc this weekend. He wanted to talk to us about insurance. Currently he is still on our policy, but it is up for renewal soon.

So we met him at a local restaurant, banquet room. We brought along quite a few files with us.

We discussed insurance, his current situation and what his needs are.

Then he asked about not ever visiting him. Here is what he asked.

1. Did we know about him? We told him yes.

2. Was his mother an affair? We told him yes.

3. Was his mother a problem? We told him yes, and then the conversation went to the harrassment, how she tried to coerce money out of relatives, how she sent his photos to family members begging for money, etc. Get this: HE LAUGHED AND SAID HE KNEW THERE WAS MORE TO THE STORY THEN SHE SAID. He said his father had to tell him the truth cause his mother lied to him so many times. How his mother kept changing her story. When he knew who we were, he said he got the picture. HE KNEW HIS MOTHER WAS LYING. HE KNEW THERE WAS ANOTHER SIDE OF THE STORY. We said it was our experience that she liked to play victim and blame others for everything. HE AGREED. He said she is always angry or mad at someone and that he loves her but she is embarrasing to him. He said that he cheated on his girlfriend once and she dumped him and his mother said there was something wrong with the girl.

But he said his girlfriend owned his heart and he is doing anything and everything to get her back. I asked what he thought of the girl he cheated with, and he said he didn't like her. I said that is exactly how we feel about your mother. That is where he and I had a talk about what he could do to win back his girlfriend and rebuild the trust.

We had a nice conversation with him. He is afraid she will know he contacted us, so we agreed to cover for him if she ever tried to find out. Now that he is 18, nothing has to go through her anyway, and we told him that anything we discussed or did between us three is none of her business anyway. So we all agreed to keep the meeting from her or our children right now. We told him what her behavior had done to our kids and how they felt about the whole issue. He said he understood that too. He laughed at the Jerry Springer analogy that our children used.

All in all it was as I expected it would be. He clearly grasped the whole picture and why things were done as they were.

That is very interesting Lynn. Do you think you will begin seeing more of him? He sounds like a pretty smart kid.

Lynn, that is a great story and i am really glad you posted it. i am really happy for you that it went so smoothly and that he is such a down to earth kid. i met one like him on another board a while ago and they sound very very similar. i am starting to wonder if the resolution you experienced happens more often than we might be lead to beleive.

now that you can keep mum out of the picture do you think you will see more of him?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

Is he a good-looking kid?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [color:"purple"]I'm so happy for you all and am glad things went so well!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Wow, how validating for both HE and YOU! It's nice that he clearly understood the situation. Sometimes the kid(s) take on Mom's characteristics, in which case you can't reason with either one.

Thanks for sharing!
J

sounds like quite a kid! Lyn, does your H want a relationship with him?

Lynn -
Thanks for sharing. It is an encouraging story for those of us who have NC. I am glad to hear that it went so well. I hope our OC will grow up to be able to see things clearly too.

I think we will start seeing more of him. He was nervous and I think a bit defensive at first. After about 10 minutes, I think he realized that he was dealing with people who are more matter of fact and to the point, then he was used to. We were honest with him. He appreciated that.

What was amazing was that I have read where there would be some bitter ****** to pay for "abandoning" the child, and how angry the child would be. That was not the story at all. The "child" understood that there were circumstances and could clearly understand why things were as they were. There was no drama at all.

He knows we do not want to rock the boat as far as our own children are concerned. He understands we want to protect them from this, and he agrees with it. He knows it was a difficult situation, and coupled with his mothers harrassment of us, our children are leary.

We will see him. He seemed to be surprised at how open we were with the truth, how we had so much paper pertaining to what we had to deal with over the years. All of her "games" that she thought were hurting us, he is aware of. He was embarrassed at it. We told him it was not his fault as he was caught in the crossfire just as me and my kids were. He sure saw that.

He knows my two older children, or knows of them. He said he always kept a wide berth from them at High School cause he said he didn't want anyone to know that he was a kid from an affair.

Actually, he and I hit it off pretty good. He was more interested in how I let my husband come back to me and how to get his girlfriend back then anything. We spent more time talking about his love life then anything.

He doesn't really look like my husband, but they have the same jaw line, same ears and hands. He looks nothing like my son, which I was expecting. My son is the spitting image of my husband. I was expecting a clone I guess.

We do plan on meeting again, we are just keeping it on the down low right now. We don't want the ow to catch wind of any of this for fear that she will start up her games. We don't want our children to get freaked out either.

Man, I am just doing a happy dance for you Lynn!!!!

And you are so spot on with your second paragraph, the OC doesn't always blame their father for how the cards fell. Sometimes (even though they love their mom) they see that dear ole mom deserves her fair share of the blame pie.

This is really so KEWL<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

it is isnt it. i feel all warm and gushy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Sorry. I don't condone "bashing" this boy's mother to him. You and your husband had a wonderful time telling this young man what a hurtful, spiteful, woman his mother is? It takes two to tangle. I hope your husband showed his own remorse for the shame this young man felt while growing up as a product of an affair.

I feel you were delighted to hear that he also has little respect for his mother. This boy needs professional help not two people telling him what an awful, unlikeable mother he has. What demons he must have inside of him!

I pray he doesn't grow up to be spiteful himself.

Congradulations LynnG!

I'm glad to hear that OC is a well-adjusted and understanding person. It just goes to show that OC's are not doomed in life because of the circumstances behind their conception, by having an absent biological father and by being raised by a STOW. All OW's who are reading here will be comforted knowing the brave road they took (life- instead of abortion) will prove to be a good choice and the OC will not be damaged in the way everyone seems to fear.

Good news indeed LynnG. Here's to a well-adjusted OC in spite of the odds. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm really happy for you. I don't see your meeting with oc as a bashing of his mother. I see you laying out the facts that had transpired over the years. Had ow been more amicable or less drama oriented as she seems to have been your family might have made a different choice. She wsn't and you didn't. I see nothing wrong with telling the truth. The truth isn't always easy nor is it always pretty. I'm sure there are positive aspects about the ow however LynnG's immediate family has not been privy to such. I also agree that the child may need help but I also believe that the truth is helpful as well. I believe the word when it says the truth shall set you free. Knowing his situation in totality can possibly help him feel whole. Knowing the complete picture. Just my thoughts. Again Lynn G congrats.

Very encouraging LynnG. I'm glad he is so well grounded. Sounds like it will be a joy to have him in your lives if OW doesn't find out.

How did your H react to meeting him? I would imagine it puts some lid on years of pain & wondering?

Thank you for sharing.

MSA

I guess I must be reading a different post than you because I didn't see any of this going on. The boy knew how his mother is and asked if she had caused problems.


I can only hope that if we ever meet our OC that he is an understanding young man. Believe me, I have saved all the emails from the OW trying to guilt my H into claiming him. I would never bring it up but if he askes or has a different view of events, we will not hesitate to share the truth with him. After all ~ that was the OW's excuse for telling him now, he needed to know the TRUTH.

And yes, it does take 2 to tangle, but some people are able to learn from their mistakes and move on. Others don't seem to be able to. His mother should never have put the burden or shame on him growing up as a product of an affair. Sounds to me like she only had him out of spite to see what she could get from it.

I don't see it as bashing either, Lynn and her H were just honest with the child about how it all played out. I agree with calismile, sometimes the truth isn't very pretty.

I never said she was a lousy mother. We assumed that she and her family would raise this child, and they did. We did not trash her, we told the truth. She did harrass us, everything that was discussed was fact.

What my point was is that these oc's have a much better understanding of why there was no contact. He was not laying awake at night wondering about my husband. He was to busy living his own life. As were we. The affair makes things quite obvious.

[color:"blue"]I am glad it turned out that way for you.

I know some find it hard to beleive that an 'abandoned child' might actually grow up OK & not full of bitterness, anger or hate for the 'sperm donor'. You never know in these situations, but I think everyone does the best they can.

And the fact that you were NOT talking to a 'child' but an 'adult' of 18 years. Sure maybe no life experience but still NOT a child either.

I'm happy for you Lynn.

Sincerely. [/color]