Are there success stories after it appears that the WS (in my case WW) has checked out emotionally whether or not the affair is continuing or not. Talked to Steve Harley today and he said one of the reasons that my WW may not be willing to work on our marriage at this time is that she sees three options in front of her... 1) find a way to continue the affair that has her addicted 2) Divorce irregardless of the affair chances 3) work on her marriage with her husband whom she is not longer in love with and feels like it is hopeless to rediscover those feelings, even though there in no way for her to know for sure at this point, only suspicion. (or could be the hard work that it would take to rebuild and rediscover those feelings for one another, looks like a big hill to climb?)

Any comments on this from those who had the WS come back and give it a shot after seemingly all but checked out emotionally.

Hope,

I don't have any answers for you as my story is still to come, I am in Plan B, but my husband, for all intents and purposes had checked out emotionally, he told me that he was a *different* person now............thing is, he's not, he still loves me, he's just fighting it, and hopefully the pain of Plan B will make him remember.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Hi, don't give up hope! I'm a FWW (A ended in Sept.), and I felt all 3 of the things mentioned above. I can't tell you what a difficult time it was for both me and my H. I can't tell you how your W is feeling, but I was completely miserable. We have 2 children so I decided to stay and try to salvage what I could, although at the time it was half-hearted. I've come a million miles since then. It's only been 5 months, but feels like years! We are doing much better. I'm trying hard to forget OM, and actually have periods of time now where I don't think of him (it was like an obsession at first). I love my husband again, and we're trying hard to recover. Your willingness to work on this is a great sign... give her time. The most important and difficult thing for me was to avoid all contact with OM (difficult, as he is a neighbour). Seeing him brought back all those feelings (still rattles me horribly). I hope this works out for both of you.

Lots and lots of WS's turn around. Stick with Plan A, and see what happens. You are getting the best advice possible from the Harleys.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. What did your husband do or not do that was successful in reminding you of your love for him during this time leading up to the end of the A? Also, how do you begin to talk and open the lines of communication when you know each other so well and the A parnter and the WS have so much too talk about because they barley know each other? I am finding getting my WW to small talk and just have fun with me and the kids difficult because there is no way it can be as new and exciting as just meeting someone and discussing things that we may have talked about for years. I may not be making any sense here?

Hope....my fwXW (formerly wayward EX wife) and I divorced...we're getting remarried soon (few weeks)..I am preparing my "story" now....I plan on posting it soon...

So yes...she came back and we're better than we ever were before...it does happen. Not often, but it does.....

I can't wait to see you story! Also, now that you can look back with 20/20 (ha!) vision is there anything that you could have done differently (assuming you were the one who wanted to save the marriage) that could have kept you soon to be bride from ever becoming you Ex and still have led to recovery and rebuilding without the big D?

Thanks

Like Believer said, there are many WS's who turn around. Being emotionally checked out doesn't necessitate an end.

My story is like that. FWH said "I stopped loving you before I start with OW." Come to find out, he didn't. After the drug wears off with NC, a good Plan A, and him working through all his resentments from pre-A, the love he had all along was uncovered. Have hope.

And yes, he came back for his son, not for me. Still worked out really well.

"What did your husband do or not do that was successful in reminding you of your love for him during this time leading up to the end of the A?"

I stopped years of LBs, worked on myself. Offered him a safe place to express his age-old anger, frustration and resentment. Improved my listening skills and changed my belief that I made those emotions in him. Loving detachment and genuine respect.

"Also, how do you begin to talk and open the lines of communication when you know each other so well"

I stopped assumptions based on knowing each other for so long and so well. I looked at my H as new--didn't know he was capable of the lying and deceit--threw away what I knew and began to ask for his opinions without argument.

"and the A parnter and the WS have so much too talk about because they barley know each other?"

That "clean slate" was the most attractive aspect for my H for his affair. I began to give him that, being open to who is today. Still do.

"I am finding getting my WW to small talk and just have fun with me and the kids difficult because there is no way it can be as new and exciting as just meeting someone and discussing things that we may have talked about for years."

I let go of getting my H to open up, or to do anything. I began stating my thoughts and feelings simply and that opened up the way for him to so, too. No judgments or assumptions. No mindreading. Part of the clean slate commitment. You're assuming that it isn't as exciting. It is more thrilling to have a spouse, one you pledged to be with, be accepting and nonjudgmental than strangers. That's my experience.

Best wishes on your recovery. It can happen, though the FWS may only think of more pain and suffering (mine did), that changes. Slowly. As you change the dance...

LA

I alspo wonder wonder about thm ever coming back after emotionally checking out.

My H seems to have checked out as well. He filed the divorce and in no uncertain terms told me about 2 weeks ago he was not in love with me and never will be again. This after 24 yrs of marriage. I fond it weird that just at the beginnig of Dec. though he still says he had hope for us. then within a few weeks it went totally south, divorce papers filed and then the speech.

The lies are really stacking up on him now as well. He says he was moving from OW'S last weekend, well that was a lie. I don't see why seeing how he has lived with her since July.

Anyway for now he is checked out no doubt about it. And I do know as long as he is with her he will stay checked out. We have no communications except through his sister or our attorneys.

He has no emotional bond or attachement with me amymore. I keep praying it someday happen again but who knows.

So the question asked here is a good one. I just wish there was a good answer....


Hurting

Hurting, I wanted to address what you said specifically. I think that your husband's push for the D is due to pressure from the OW, I think that if you leave it alone, she'll back him into a corner...he won't like that.

So, do you consider yourself in Plan B?

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

I do believe the OW has pushed him to it... He basically told me that at court in Dec. but yet he continues on. He was not going to file the papers then she found out he didn't and the rest is history.

Yup I am in planb and only contact we have is due to legal stuff right now. Now sunday before last I did speak to him here at the house when he came by to pick some stuff up. I was following the advice of Steve Harley on speaking to him to basically let him know I still want our marriage. Thats when I got the I don't love you and never will speech.

So now we are back in planb. SH told me now is the time when I do have contact due to legal stuff to do a modified planA. He really didn't like using a modified planA but with legal stuff its the best plan for now....

OW seems to be running the show and he is letting her. He allows her to treat him anyway and talk to him however she chooses to. Things that if I had done them would have been a big deal and would have caused arguments. So yup he is far gone right now. I keep praying she will back him into a corner but for now its not happening. He follows her every wish like a little puppy.

For myself though I am doing good and not pushing anything. I am letting time do its job..... I am living life and actually starting to enjoy it more and more everyday....

I hope all of this made sense to you.... And BTW your doing an excellant job in your planb keep it up......


Hurting