My husband has been having an affair for four years now,he travels and she is in another town ,he is at home for one week and away for two, she sees him for the two weeks, they are not seeing as much of each other as they have been because she says she is the interloper and he should go back to his family but she will not leave him alone to do that. He claims that she will live with him 100% if he asked her to but he cannot give her 100 % as he still wants to be with me. His son will not talk to him unless he chooses either one of the woman and we have just been blessed with a grand child and my son will not let his father see the child while all of this is going on. Husband does not understand why he cannot see his grandchild but refuses to not have this lady in life. He has chosen his lady over his garndchild which I think is very sad. Wonder if anyone can give me some advice on what to do as he will end up losing his family over this if he does not make a choice soon.

Welcome to MB.

Please read the concepts section above. Your son is a smart man. Support his decision and learn how you can implement your plans A and B.

Keeping the WS confused is a good thing.

Read Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs and Love must be tough. 1st 2 books are by Dr Harley and the 3rd by Dr James Dobson.

Secure your finances. Expect the OW wants not just the WS but also you, your posessions and your title.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Learn about plans A & B.

Identify your boundaries. Implement then when ready.

Let your mind and heart get in sync before making any life altering decisions.

Take the emotional needs questionnaire in the concepts section.

See if you can do some phone counseling with Steve H @ MB AFTER you do the required reading as outlined above.

Is that enough for starters? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hey,

How r u doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I am still the same but thanks for asking. I am so confused as I have been doing Plan A when husband is home and when he calls I am always nice to him even though I know he has just finished seeing the OW. He just does not seem to be able to make a decision even though he contradicts himself. The OW is trying to stay away from him somewhat but I do not think she is trying hard enough has he always seems to be able to manipulate her into seeing hime. I just think he has got himself into something that he does not know how to get out of and I believe she thinks this is a game as she has been known to go out with other men as well as my husband and he says that he cannot stop her but still wants to be with her even though that hurts him.She is a very needy woman and I think that is why he stays with her as she pretends to be so needy. Just wish he would get out of the fog, sometimes I see that he has but then he goes right back into it. He is just missing out on so many wonderful family things that he will regret when he realizes it. I am just hanging in there in the hope that he will come to his senses sooner than later. I am ready for this to be over but feel that the OW wants me to give him an ultimatum and at the moment I think that would be the wrong thing to do. Wonder if anyone else has been in this wierd situation and can give some advise.

Well, sorry to see you in such pain and despair.

Seems to me that this has been going on for 4 years, and that your WH has more than made his decision (at least for now). I have to wonder why you place so much emphasis on your WH making a decision. People have to learn to LIVE with the consequences of the decisions they make. Enabling him will NEVER work in the end for you or your marriage.

You have a say in this to you know? Now you are gonna get advice to do "Plan A" with him, so I would like to point out an especially great post by Starfish that says what PLAN A really is about....You should realize that being "nice" is NOT the intent of the Plan. It is so mcuh more than that and yet being "nice" or tolerant of abhorrent behavior seems to sadly be the message that many get from this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Four years is a long time to be suffering this. What have you done to nurture your heart and soul and dignity during this? NOONE, no matter how "nice" and "compassionate" can realistically tolerate 4 years of marital abuse (which is what inidelity is) and NOT be seriously and emotionally hurt and scarred.

So I ask you.......have you thought of fousing more on yourself and finding counseling for your heart while your WH continues to "decide" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> what to do.

The reason that a "decision" has not been made has more to do with YOU than him.

Think about that for a few minutes.

What do you think?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t, so sorry you are here, but under the circumstances, you are at the best place for advice and support.

When these WS are in the heat of an affair...you just can not believe anything they say or do. They are capable of just about anything to keep their secretive, yucky fix alive.

My son is in a similiar situation between him and his father. This father, my xh and not invovled with any of my current issues here whatsoever, for reasons that only he, my xh knows or may not know... is estranged from my son. He has not seen my son's child either. And seems not to care. This is all pretty new stuff. My son was raised by both of us, we got divorced after he had moved out and went on to be a firefighter, you would think that my xh would be proud of him... who knows. Who knows why they do these things to themselves and the ones who love them.

This A stuff is brutal. But, I think you know that. Please listen to all the great advice that you will be and have gotten here. It is hard but you WILL come out on the other side a better person, really you will.

You are so not alone here. And.... enjoy that grandbaby... talk about unconditional love !!!!

I will help you in any way that I can... but please be advised that I am no expert, but many here are.

Carnation

Thanks for the advice. I have been in Plan A for a number of months but nothing seems to be changing. I know that I am much stronger than I was before. I just wonder how long it will be before he is out of the fog if he ever will be. He is in so much pain that I wonder why he does not do something to alleviate that,he says he cannot make a decision as he will be in a lot more pain than what he is in now and cannot stand the thought of that. As you can guess I have a very hard time looking out for myself as I have always put my family before me and am not sure how to turn that around. I have been trying but it is so hard to think of me first. I just want every one to be happy instead of the way it is now. I know I am waffling now but am so confused, I read about what I should be doing but knowing and doing are two different things.I do not have any friends to talk to about this - I am a loner and that is making it harder as my husband was my only friend until this.

Plan A is for you to get stronger and you said you are so it must be working. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Reach out and make new friends. Volunteer if you can. Don't become an introvert.

Don't let the WS think you are waiting for the WS to come home.....WS' never lived at your home, your H did. Ask for your H to come home not the WS.

L.

oh for heavens sake tomas...

life is way way way too short be living like you are..
and nothing is going to change..till you make a move...

If you believe in marriage...and if you believe in the vows of marriage....and if you believe that a marriage is ALL about two people committed to each other...

then you MUST ACT....

and this is NOT about saving your marriage but about saving yourself...

because more scary that wandering spouse...is a betrayed spouse that accepts and tolerates such GREAT DISRESPECT for four years...

when will enough be enough..

four and a half years..
five years
five and a half years
six years...?????????????????

had enough yet....??????????????????????????

want to live ten years as part of a triangle....???????

cause it sure does meet your goal of keeping everyone happy....

happy happy happy people...all pretending that honesty and truth matter when none of them live that way in action...

do you want to get your life back....
want to get your self back....
want to be stronger than you ever believed...
well you can..
but it's your choice....

Want to get on with life..

let us know....

ARK