I'm thinking of a trial separation and thought it would be easiest on the kids (10 & 12) to stay in the home until school is out. Then we could have a 50/50 visitation. My thoughts are to keep things as close to normal to help them adjust to the idea of one parent not being there all the time. Would he be able to use this against me and say that I abandoned the kids?

In my experience you would be walking into some scary territory by doing this.

At least in my state, Washington, the parent that has the kids a majority of the time is usually considered the residential custodial parent and has stronger case in a custody battle.

In my case, my ex and I had a 50/50 arrangement with the kids at the time of our divorce (for only 1 1/2 months!) so I ended up fighting a very expensive legal battle to get custody of my children even though he HAD abandoned them to live in another state with his OW and had travelled most of their lives and never had been the major care provider for them.

My attorney told me that had I had even 1 day more than him per week I would have had the presumption of the residential custodial parent and the case would have been mostly open and shut.

FIM

why would you leave your children....?????

Is your husband the WS.,..

who would leave their children with the WS....,

is he still having an affair....

ARK

No he isn't having an affair and I'm not sure what WS means. Living in the country the bus comes right to the house. If I move into town, I will have to figure a way for them to get to school. Plus I thought letting them stay in their familiar surroundings for a while until I get settled would ease things for them. I just don't feel happy anymore and some days just don't like my husband and his personality anymore. We've done the counseling thing. But for somereason the thoughts of wanting to separate and not have to deal with him anymore is so appealing. Financially I'll be able to buy a place of my own, with all the assets we have to divide.

makes no sense...

why would you leave your children.....

WS is wayward spouse....applicable to those married people cheating on their spouse...the then BS or betrayed spouse...

again ..
why would you leave your children...
and if you can't stand the thought of leaving why leave your children to deal with him..

ark

Been there. Done that. Regret. I left my husband of almost 20 years back in 2003. I thought it was best to leave my then 18 and 15 year old sons in the "family home" with their father - as I was not able to provide for them financially. Had I to do over again, I would have given them a chance/option of where they wanted to be. My younger son felt like I had abandoned him and to this day, I feel he still has issues with this. However, things did turn out for the best, as he now lives with me.

Do not leave your children behind - you will be able to find the means of getting them to school. They will in turn, respect you more if they are given an option. Best of luck to you.

May I ask what after 20yrs would make you finally leave? We've been married 16yrs and I have seen his revengful ways, his harsh words about my weight, about me wanting a dog and horse, etc. I'm to the point the damage is done and no matter what he does to make it up, I feel numb. I can almost say I just don't like him and his personality. Things are fine unless I say something to provoke him and he says if I do, then he'll attack back because I attacked him. Sounds like someone I want to stay with forever.

Diamond is right Kay. My soon to be Ex-wife left our home for her boyfriend, and our 16yr daughter has basically said mom left us/her, she abandonded us. She in no way desires "the relationship" that her mother wants to have. Most of the people on this board have been burned and hurt by unfaithful spouses. So thats why people ask about affairs and WS/BS.

I married at 17 (way to young, what was I thinking?). I became pregnant after 3 months, and just felt stuck. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. He stayed out with friends/drinking at bars/left me home. After about 5 years of marriage, I couldn't take anymore and knew I didn't want to be married to him anymore - but again, I was a stay at home mom - and stuck. I left, came back, tried to make things work. But the love I once had for him was gone. We eventually drifted apart...he was continually working out of town and I was left at home with the kids.

In 1993/94 I had the support from my mom to finally make the break - but she ended up suffering a heart attack - and again, I was stuck. I just didn't have it in me to rely on my own strength to make the break - and didn't feel it was best at the time for the kids. So, you could say I stayed for financial reasons, and the kids.

When he finally got the "wake up call" - it was way too late for me. I couldn't get the love back for him.

Kay - how long have you been having an affair?

I am not having an affair. I've been beat down for so long by his verbal abusiveness that I feel I don't have any feelings for him anymore.

I'm with Diamond. My daughters were adults when I left the family home, my son was 16.

I REGRET THIS MORE THAN I CAN EXPLAIN.

My son has special needs and I thought I was doing the best to keep him there to receive all I had worked so hard to get for him.

My daughter's took over the female role (taking care of house and dad)... SO UNFAIR.

Thank God, my kids love me in spite of my mistakes... my son is now 21, and graduated high school... might not have here with me... but there was always the option that I stayed with them and their dad left instead.

THINK ABOUT THIS CAREFULLY. Once done, it's pretty hard to take back... AND... Regrets suck.

The reason I asked whether you were having an affair is because your description of your "circumstances" sounds like the typical rationale we hear from someone engaging in an affair. I'll take your word for it that you're not having an affair.

A few things.

You will find little support here for dissolving a family with children. Especially because some of us had that done to us against our will. My first reaction to you is that you have no idea how fortunate you are to be able to choose to keep your family together - to even have a choice.

What you will find tremendous support FOR is finding out how to improve your marriage. Until you exhaust these resources, no one will tell you you're doing the right thing to leave your family.

Lastly, what do you think a trial separation will accomplish? This is usually a euphemism for selfishness. If you abandon your family - that's what it will be - why do you think you deserve to have any custody of your children? If you've truly been abused, there are other resources at your disposal to compell your husband to leave.

So, I recommend to you that you describe what you've attempted to improve your marriage and what your husband would describe of the problems you've brought to it.

WAT

*** Post deleted based on new POJA related to feeling uneasy if I were to post on message boards where some responses are from either sex, also guessing spouse would feel disrespected if private family concerns were posted ***

*** Post deleted based on new POJA related to feeling uneasy if I were to post on message boards where some responses are from either sex, also guessing spouse would feel disrespected if private family concerns were posted ***