Hi, first time posting.. I have been married for 4 yrs and just entered into an emotional affair with an x-coworker. The other women and I have been friends for a few years and just a few months ago we had a few drinks too many and wound up kissing and expressing our true affection with each other. After that we met once for lunch and a few times to exchange letters and a kiss. Fortunately, we have not had sex and although we both are trying to stay away from each other we still find ourselves writing and talking to one another. I find her to be so amazing, she seems to be everything I wanted in a women; I know that is bad to say. We are very emotionally addicted to each other.. not good!

My marriage; this is the real problem. Although I love my wife, we have been together for 10 years, she has never been able to satisfy all of my emotional needs. The main issues I have are that she is not very affectionate, not very sexual, religious and does not respect the little independence I ask for. She has a problem with being alone. It’s just like we are on two different planets, the thing that keeps us together, our friendship, is slowly dissolving. These problems have persisted for years and we have spent a lot of time trying to work on them, but she just can’t seem to change no matter how many times she tries. I feel like I’m being selfish for wanting her to change but I just can see us staying together if it continues on. I really need these emotions satisfied. This has led me to seek other outlets for my needs. And, now I realize that I have been having little emotional affairs (all in my head) for the past 8+ years; trying to cope with this lack of emotional connection. I know, after reading Dr. Harley; this is so typical. I feel so guilty and sad. She is my friend and I don’t wan to hurt her no matter what.

I know now after reading all of this site’s wonderful material that I must either end this relationship or my marriage now before things get out of hand. I have even contemplated ending both. My wife has no idea (for all I know she may have an idea) that I have been seen or talked to this women. I have spent the past few months trying to figure out what to do, I know the main choice is to stay with my wife and try again or call it quits. It’s so hard to decide especially since we have a baby. Also, I know if I stay with her I need to leave this women behind for good and tell my wife. The only problem with this is that she has told me on more than one occasion that she would leave me without question if she found out I had an affair..and yes she considers emotional affairs to be affairs. (This may come from the fact that she was married before and had an affair as she left her husband – who knows)..

I just don’t know if I want to keep trying with my wife or we are truly incompatible. If I stay should I tell her and hope she gives me another chance?

Thank you,

Bad husband-

You need to come clean & tell her. She may rant & rave a bit but after the dust settles hopefully will start working on your marriage.

Print out the infidelity FAQ's & Harley's basic concepts to show her.

I am a FWW and a (current) BS. I will tell you this...for one moment, close your eyes, think of the most painful thing you can, imagine this happening to you, your W, and your baby. Now, imagine that you are the one causing all that pain. Now, consider what it would be like knowing you had a chance to stop it. This is your chance.

The A is an addiction, your A is not special and the OW is not your soulmate. This is one of the most selfish acts a person can ever commit against their spouse. I wish every single day that I had not done what I did. I wish I could be back where you are, turn back the hands of time, and do the right thing. This A will tear your family apart. It is an escape, a fantasy.

Run as fast as you can from her. Tell your W (most do not leave, though we all think we would), eliminate all forms of contact with OW (change phone numbers, e-mail addresses, etc.), write her a NC letter and consider going on anti-depressants because withdrawal will be hard. But, you have us and we will support you.

Do the right thing, now, while you have the chance...it is not too late. If you don't, I promise you that you will regret it for the rest of your life. I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Trinarious, welcome to this forum. You’ve found the right place for help & advice on how to recover your M after infidelity. I'm a FWW who was involved in an inappropriate friendship with a man at my work.

Please read ALL the information and links on the following thread and make sure you follow ALL the advice to Wayward Spouses (just click on the link):

Tools for the Wayward Spouse.

The above thread will give you a GREAT start. But don’t just read it – also put the advice into PRACTISE. You will see that two of the most important steps you'll need to take is coming clean with your W and ending ALL contact with OW for life (by sending a NC letter approved by your W and signed by both of you). You won’t be able to recover your M without complete honesty and openness with your W - therefore you'll need to tell your W about the A.

The most important link you must read on the above thread is:
PAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Wayward Spouses.

The above thread also contains a link to my withdrawal guide. As soon as you start NC, you will start experiencing withdrawal from the OW (just as an alcoholic will experience withdrawal from alcohol) and this is where the above guide will come in very handy. Please read this guide thoroughly. It contains guidelines on how to help yourself as a FWS cope with withdrawal and therefore stay committed to NC.

Here is a link to all the abbreviations used on these forums.

Keep posting!

Trin,

You are in the right place. All of the things said above are true, and then some. My FWH could have written parts of your post several years ago.

Even tho we were fairly close, I HAD NO IDEA! Unfortunately, he moved forward to a PA that lasted 8 months. Almost immediately, he deeply regreted it, but couldn't get out without someone being hurt. In the end, no one was left out of the pain, not him, me or OW.


I completely believed this to be true for me.....it wasn't! Come clean with her, get into MC with a really good, pro-marriage counselor.

You also already know that it is too late to salvage any friendship with OW. Once you cross the line into an EA or PA, the friendship part and any future contact has to end.

Good luck.

Who

Thank you for all your advice. This is all so hard. I have told my best friend about all this and he thinks I am nuts for even considering leaving (and for having my EA). (His ex-wife left him for another man many years ago so he has been on the other end and knows the pain.)

I have been thinking about all this and my relationship with my wife and have become even more confused. How long should my W and I keep trying, given I terminate my EA and send my OW packing? Sometimes I feel like I have already tried for so long and I'm tierd, I just want someone who fulfills my needs. How do you know when it is time to quite a marriage?

Part of me thinks the best thing to do is quite my EA and my marriage.

PS - The OW knows that I may go back to my wife, we have talked about this openly. She does not want to sway my decision or be the one to break my marriage. (She has been really great about all of this..not pressuring me and helping us maintain some distance.) I asked her for some time alone to think and I told her would let her know next Friday what I was going to do.

A: Until you get it right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's WAAAAAY too late for that. Her presence in your life has changed EVERYTHING, and not for the better. But you already knew that.

No contact- forever and ever with the OW (regardless of whether you stay married) is the only sure way out of this. Your OW wouldn't make a good relationship choice. You're aware of that in your heart, I'm sure.

Be blessed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

for the record....



this is crap

I agree that this is crap, Pep. She wants to do it, she just doesn't want to APPEAR to do it. She's doing it already.

Still

Trin,

Do you believe that the right woman in your life will make you happy? Do you believe that if all of your emotional needs are met that you will be happy? How happy were you before you met your wife?

Stay with me here...I know it's uncomfortable to answer questions like that! I hate 'em myself!

Stillwed

If she REALLY cared about you, she would not be involved in an affair with you at all.

If she really cared about YOU, she would not want to harm those parts of you that are inextricably part of your self-worth and integrity - your family and your child.

If she really CARED about you, she would do what's difficult for her, and remove her damaging presence from your life.

Don't fool yourself that her behaviour is honourable or altruistic. She is doing what suits her - you just happen to be the image she can paste to her fantasy. As you are pasting her image to your fantasy.

Imagine that you have a daughter, who grows up and marries a man she loves and has a baby with him - your grandchild. Imagine that your son-in-law has an affair, and thinks more highly of his mistress than of his wife - your daughter.

If he told you how kindly his mistress was behaving by not wanting to break up your daughter's marriage, would you feel sympathetic to him?

You have a child. This means that the time for being a child yourself is finished. You have to be an adult now.

TA

I think it is ur wife (and child) that needs help. Poor woman.........being betrayed and dont even know it as yet. U r in ur sound frame of mind and have been making wilful decisions over the past months to betray her with this OW. Yet u want the shoulder to cry on............typical WS attitude and u have not even confessed as yet. Its good that u r on here though, so after more damage is done u cant use the excuse that u didnt think of the future or the hurt that such a betrayal would cause to ur wife/family. Every decision u make is urs and urs alone.
Even if there r needs ur wife r not meeting - have u even give her a chance? have u communicated with her ur innermost feelings so she at least gets the opportunity to meet those needs? and in what manner have u done so.
U say it so flippantly - "we had a few drinks too many and wound up kissing and expressing our true affection with each other". "...And, now I realize that I have been having little emotional affairs (all in my head) for the past 8+ years..."

'little' u say. wow!

Get real Mister! Get a D or work on ur marriage - just 2 options. She is either worth it or she is not. If she isnt, she still does not deserve the betrayal - so tell her bye, then go about ur happy affair with ur sweet OW.

Trin:

" I find her to be so amazing, she seems to be everything I wanted in a women; I know that is bad to say. "

"a" is singular, "women" is plural. Are you having more than one affair?

Consider just how amazing can someone be who'd be willing 2 have an A with a M'd man? With a baby, no less. Is this "everything you want"?

"I feel like I’m being selfish for wanting her to change but I just can see us staying together if it continues on."

You are being selfish. You cannot expect others 2 change 2 satisfy YOU. You can only change you (really, your perspective). What about your promise 2 forsake all others when you M'd your W? Or did you say something waffly like: "As long as we both shall meet each other's expectations"?

"I really need these emotions satisfied. This has led me to seek other outlets for my needs."

These needs of yours are simply excuses now. I doubt they're as serious as you say they are. Your perception of your marriage is clouded because your emotions are conflicted. Your fault. Nobody else's (though your OW should show a little respect and leave you alone).

"The only problem with this is that she has told me on more than one occasion that she would leave me without question if she found out I had an affair..and yes she considers emotional affairs to be affairs. "

This is her right, isn't it? She has every right 2 know who she's married 2. And if her H isn't who he promised he'd be, she has her own choices 2 make. And you have no right 2 rob her of the chance 2 make that choice. You must tell her about your A.

"I just don’t know if I want to keep trying with my wife or we are truly incompatible."

When did you realize you were incompatible? How incompatible can you be after all these years and a baby 2gether? REAL love is a CHOICE, not a FEELING. Taking responsibility for your life and the choices you make is LIBERATING, not hobbling.

"If I stay should I tell her and hope she gives me another chance?"

Yes.

-ol' 2long

Yup, I can smell it from here. OW is manipulating you BIG TIME. Sure she isn't pressuring you, she is smart....But she also lacks a conscience and is willing to be a part of causing a great deal of pain to 2 people that haven't done a darn thing to her except to be in the way of getting something she has no right to.



This is good stuff. Kind of puts everything in a different perspective.

Only you can decide what you will do in the end. But please take a good long look at OW with the lights on and your mind open. IS SHE REALLY ALL THAT?

Who

Haha - That one made my morning. What a noble OW!!!!!

Welcome to MB, Trinarius. You've come to the right place if you want to rebuild your M, and I sincerely hope that's why you came.

I'm an FWW, and I'm puzzled by a couple of the things you wrote. Sorry if I come across harsh, but I'm trying to kknock a little sense into you. People here call it a 2x4.



Two possibilities here: Either should not have married her in the first place, or, more likely, you are rewriting history. Rewriting history is not unusual for a WS to do. It's a way of trying to justify their A.


So was she like this when you M'ed her, and if it bothered you so, why did you M her? Or did it not make much of a difference back then but now that there's someone "amazing" in the wings, you need your independence? Another tack on the rewriting history theme.


You've been unhappy in the relationship with your W for the past eight years (some of which was BEFORE you M'ed), yet you went ahead and got M'ed anyway, and then made a baby too? Don't tell me -- you thought the baby would draw you closer, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Gosh I hope not!

You need to come clean with your W (who will most likely NOT want to leave you) and establish NC with your OW. Keep in mind you have a child at home who needs both parents.

I don't believe a lot of what you wrote here. Surely you must have been in love with your W in order to marry her. Try to remember what it was about her that first attracted you. Maybe go out and do the things you used to do together when you were dating/courting. It might bring the old feelings back.

As for the "amazing" OW, keep in mind that your A with her is nothing but a huge fantasy. You only see one another when at your best; you're not dealing with all the mundane day to day drudgery. Start the NC letter now and give your M your very best shot. Chances are your W probably isn't 100 percent happy either; she probably senses something is wrong but may be a conflict avoider and fears confronting you. Use this opportunity as a chance to rediscover one another and raise your child in a loving, caring environment.

Good luck!

Trinarious,

This sounds JUST like my situation, only I'm the BS. My husband did almost the exact same thing. He had a little EA that turned to a PA (kissing) & wanted to leave me. He told her he loved her & she was perfect for him. But, at the same time considered leaving me & not being with her either.

He said he was unhappy with our marriage because he said I was not affectionate to him & avoided SF as much as possible. I felt I wasn't hearing him when he would tell me this either. And I wasn't.

What happened is that he took that next step having oral sex with OW, then the guilt set in & he was sick with himself. He ended it with her & realized he didn't want to lose me. So, he hid the truth for several years before telling me.

I always told him I would leave if I found out he cheated. But, I'm here, working on recovery. It's been VERY hard, but I love him enough to try to make my M work.

What I said after he told me was "why didn't you come & tell me that our M was in jeopardy before things got so far?" He said he didn't want to hurt me by telling me he wanted to leave me and I said "did the A make this better?" NO! I told him he should have made it CLEAR that our M was on the line & I would have listened. But, he avoided the conflict.

Immediately, after he confessed, we got His Needs, Her Needs, took the questionaire & figured out our needs, then starting working to meet them. We found that he wasn't meeting my EN's of conversation (undivided attention) and affection, so therefore, I stopped working to meet his EN's, SF. So, he had a major role in creating the environment that limited his own SF in the M. Think about that - how can you be meeting your W's EN's when your mind is elsewhere?

BTW-what's my FWH's figured out NOW looking back is there was NOTHING good about this OW. They were NOT perfect for each other & she doesn't have the value system I have, or any of the qualities he loves about me. She would cheat with a married man & had cheated before with another married man. What he has realized is that he was in that "FOG" and trying to make it perfect, but it was pure fantasy.

Telling the truth now could save you & your W so much pain if you let this continue. I can imagine it is going to be hard, but you will have so many MORE regrets the longer you let this go on.

BTW-You are in a PA, not an EA - because kissing is physical. You've already crossed that line.

You really should resolve your issues with your wife and/or marriage before you seek something outside your marriage. If you end up getting a divorce that's one thing, but trying to fix your problems by having an affair is ridiculous. You spend time with your OW, have a wonderful time of it, come home and BAM!! all of your problems are still there so what have you resolved? Nothing. Having another woman in your life only clouds the issues.

It is unfair of you to expect your wife to change. If she had these qualities about her before you married her then what right do you have to expect her to change them now? It was your choice to marry her. Now she doesn't meet your expectations so you hook up with someone else. What does that say about you?

To really love someone you have to accept them despite their faults and love them anyway. You can't change anyone, no matter how much you want to or no matter how much they need to change. You can only change yourself.
Think about it.

This board is great, you'll get lots of good advice here. You came to the right place.