WS's "beliefs"....the kids will be fine if we divorce

......ow is a nice person, you'll like her

......our kids will like her kids, blah, blah....on and on....
....this kind of thing happens all the time, it's no big deal

If he said these things on national TV, without knowing the real guy....we could assume that his belief's were ingrained in his "real" character, and be wrong in most cses.

Ark, I'm not reporting you! LOL

I'm all for allowing a BS a vent about WS....but I think we should remember that people come here in a vulnerable state at first ....and just giving opinions(which may or may not be helpful)....as opposed to thoughtful, caring advice, may do more harm than good when it comes to saving marriages.

If I had listend to the name calling, throw the bum to the curb advice.....my family would never have had the opportunity to be whole again.

not necessarily true ... listening to bad advice is not the same as taking bad advice ... AND ... listening to good advice is not the same as taking good advice...

FaithInMe is a prime example ... once I realized her H was a serial cheater ... I continued to offer her advice about Plan A and Plan B ... but knowing full well the chance of any of it working was nil to very nil <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that this guy was actually kind of shocked by his own behavior. He was genuinely thrown by the fact that he felt no guilt...he thought that meant that it must be right. We all know that as "fog talk", but I'm not sure he had run into it before and it was all a new language for him. His mistake was in not thinking about consequences.

This is pretty typical for his personality type. I think he's an Enneagram Seven with an Eight wing. They are assertive, fun-loving, spontaneous, dreamers and planners, often successful,etc. What's not to love?

The trouble is that on the other end of the spectrum, they can do some really bad things and feel little to no guilt when doing them. That's the flaw that it appears he ran into and he tried to reason it all out in his head, thereby making the polyfidelity into what he felt was a valid issue. Sevens see all of the options...even if they are not in the social norm.

The Seven description:

http://www.thechangeworks.com/ennprimer/enn9styls2.html#M
(you might have to scroll down to the Seven)

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeSevenOverview.asp

I think that there is actually a fair amount of hope for their marriage unless he has had multiple, unconfessed affairs during the marriage. If he's really coming clean and can figure out this part of himself and move it into REALITY, it could work. He's going to have to learn about his weaknesses and do a lot to help his wife heal. I hope he'll do it.

Stillwed

ha!

I guess Monica does not take kindly to finger shaking lectures <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> about how we cannot judge someone who blatently shoves his adultery under his wife's nose ... but we can judge each other's posts to be unhelpful !!

Geezzzzze

where's the fun in that ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

***To look at things with clarity is not to be judgemental. The truth hurts, but for the sake of radical honesty, we must tell it anyway! That guy is a worm. We're not judging her for being with a worm, we're merely pointing out FACTUALLY that he IS IN FACT a WORM!***

"It's not a Disrespectful Judgement if it's true."
Mulan's Corollary
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

...and you were right. Thank goodness! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I received as much strength from the posts to me advising me to keep going as much as I did from those telling me my X had deep character issues.

I needed to hear both.

Not every WS is acting out of character and it is often easier for someone on the outside to see it. For whatever reason I see a lot of BS's as fogged as their WS in regards to the reality of their relationship.

I know I was. I couldn't see it though. Somewhere along the way I came to a place where I accepted victimhood and dragged my children along with me.

Not all marriages should be saved and I'll personally attest to the fact that SH will say that in some instances. He did to me.

I am so happy when I see a marriage renewed that seemed hopeless. It doesn't always happen though. It CAN and does happen in many cases.

But on a discussion board that is compromised of opinions from a very diverse group of experiences, I don't think it is at all detrimental to point out that some people will not change. It's always up to the poster to decide what to do.

Just as much damage can be done by blindly supporting every BS to fight now matter what as blindly encouraging every person to leave a WS.

FIM

monica..
I never called him a name...ie worm
I think I said he mega-ego-maniac...(not even sure that is a real word)

\which is an issue that is there pre-during-post infidelity..

I also stated MY personal OPINION that those are the type of people that least attract me....

and I stand behind my "truths"..
would never interested in a person like that...

some people do possess character flaws that cheating behaviors are just an extention of them...
that's not judgement..
that's fact....

tony soprano has no trouble with his infidelity...
it is part of him...
ain't gonna change...

and yes I get he's TV character..but there are people who live their life that way....

FACT



some people love that...

some very very very successful people have that character trait...huge egos....
find very very good mates to match them and live happily ever after....

I have no idea if what I am saying is the truth,,,,but appearing on public national tv..kind of gives permission for viewers to have opinions....

stillwed..I don't think the husband was shocked by his behaviors being layed out the way they are...I think he will say..

see even the good doctor says I yam what I yam...
can't change who I am..
take it or leave it....

cause it would be too uncomfortable and too much work for me to do anything to make me likable....
and I like who I am...it's you that has the problem with it..



even at marriagebuilderes SOME people ARE married to worms..
not all marriages are meant to be saved....too high a price...

Monica I have NO idea if your spouse is a worm..but I do know I am a huge adovocate and supporter of both WS and BS coming out on the other side of this infidelity mess intact and whole,....

and surely a TV show means you are opening yourself up to people's opinions...and none of mine or your opinion means I/know the truth....

I still believe wearing your wife down enough to have her going to a counselor to see if a triangle would be fun for her.....is a dangerous dangerous man to children in the home...

ARK

Pep,

I'll leave it up to you "vets" to set the tone!

Who am I to question....just thought it seemed like a thread that wanted to get Tracy here so you could all call her WS names and tell her what an idiot she was for marrying the guy....I must've read it wrong....

You all want her here to offer support, a plan, guidance and hope for healing her marriage and her family. Right?

Must've missed that.

Shugah!



I don't wanna set nobody else's tone ... jest my vera own tone thankyouveramuch

Ah yes! Labels.

Labels. Good labels. Bad labels.

True labels. Misconstrued labels (that rhymes in a nifty way).

Between tossing the WS 2 the curb and being a doormat for years on end, there's a point of true balance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And we've all gotta find those for ourselves (and we may sound a little tweaked while we're doing the search!).

-ol' 2long

I think you may have missed that as well.

As Pep said before, she had very little hope at all for my marriage and still she gave me great advice on Plan A and Plan B. Most people here will point out things that we as BS's can't always see, but in my experience and those I've usually seen here, support, guidance and a plan are always a post away.

FIM

lets talk facts about this guy...

he goes on national tv...and at one point with his hurt wife sitting beside him...says to the world....

you should see the OW
She is something beautiful
She is the kind of woman that walks down the street and men fall off their chairs over...

OK if not that something very very very similiar...

what kind of person does that with his wife sitting next him..

what could possilby be the point of that....?

who does that statement SERVE
who does that statement HURT

what does that statement tell you about a man who would do that.....

sorry you can say dont' judge that...
but those were HIS words
HIS actions

so cruel that even on national tv he doesn't even get a smidgen of the destruction....

his most confusion lies in the not understanding his wife's inability to accept the polyfidelity...

he's totally baffled by that....

do you see the depth of cognitive function that it takes to conclude that saying on TV how gorgeous the OW is....
is somehow OK or makes sense...

and he will be baffled and confused as to how anyone could take umbridge...

shugah this has nothing to do with some "vets' taking over...
I have very very few posts in that number where I haven't played the you go team card over and over...

and they aren't here.....
and surely dr phil and his team have them in counseling...

ark

for the record...



Pep did not invite anyone here ... they are getting excellent personal counseling according to Phil's website ... and that is PROFESSIONAL ... not like us amatures <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

"worm" was MY term. I was merely saying that we shouldn't worry about scaring Tracy off by talking about what a pr*ck her husband is. She's gotta know that already. And, yes, in a way mine ia a worm, too. But, damn, not like her's though! Like YOU said, this is an opinion forum. In my opinion, (and most likely the truth) is that HE IS A WORM!

LOL @ monica <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Im confused (forgive me I didnt see the show) why the term polyfidelity ?

Why not infidelity? Or polygamy (if she approves)?

Wanna know why?

coz you listened and followed through .... on your worst days of posting, you were still open to listening and learning ... actually ... you were very good at following through with your plan ... with only a few slip ups ... you were awesome!

... because the term "fidelity" sounds so much more PC than cake-eating-adultery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

AHUMAN...

You unenlightened little thing...

p o l y f i d e l i t y....

the act of cheating on your spouse with their consent....

the husband even took the wife and OP to counseling with a pro a l t e r n a t i v e relationship counselor (read Quack)

..it is NOT cheating because the husband would be able to speak volumes to wife how w o n d e r f u l the OW is and was...and those gathered round the table would look up with spaghetti on their faces and say...sure dad....sounds good..


it is N O T polygamy...cause that would involve a huge battle over stuff...
and it's not about stuff...
it's about him him him him him him...

ark

Arkie

I love you

will you marry me?

please say

yes

it's almost

Valentine's Day